Friday, December 09, 2005

Way Off-Topic

I don’t really feel like talking about comics today.

Of course I still loves me the comics, but sometimes I feel like because I write this blog that comic books assume an exaggerated position of importance in my life. And I hate to say this, but sometimes – sometimes – I just don’t want to read comics, or talk about them, or think about them. Like today. I’m just not feelin’ it today.

So I’m torn: do I deviate from the Dave’s Long Box Mission and post whatever I feel like talking about, or do I just not post at all because I have nothing to say about comics? I’m a big fan of blogs that choose a specific focus or format and stick with it. I’m not saying that a comic blog shouldn’t be able to go off-topic (I do), but it bugs me sometimes when I go to a comic blog and half the time they’re talking about their cat or bathroom etiquette or whatever. If you want to talk about your cat, go for it, but maybe you should change the name of your blog to “John’s Comic Book / Mr. Wiggins The Cutest Cat In The World Blog.”

I don’t know, maybe I should have an Off-Topic Week where I just get all the non-comic related stuff out of my system. That’s not a bad idea.

I could talk about stuff like:

- What is my cat Po meowing about now? What pressing business could a cat have at three in the morning that requires me to get out of bed? She has food, she doesn’t want to go outside, she has water – WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM ME?

- That one asshole at work that I hate.

- Enough with the fucking ring tones, already. I get it, you have the Mission: Impossible theme on your phone. Does that mean that you can’t answer the damn thing promptly? You need everybody within 20 feet to hear the entire fucking Mission: Impossible theme? Hey, asshole: your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to answer your damn phone.

- The draconian smoking ban in Washington State. I don’t even smoke, and I think it’s bullshit. Not only can you not smoke in a bar, but if you’re outside, you have to be 25 feet from a window, vent, or doorway. In the street, perhaps? Why don’t we just round all the smokers up and ship them to work camps while we’re at it?

- The state initiative process that got us this stupid smoking ban in the first place. Here in Washington we have an initiative process that allows total idiots to pass laws by popular decree. You think everybody should wear pirate hats on Tuesday? Get enough signatures on your petition and get that on the ballot! News flash: there are people whose job it is to pass laws. They’re called legislators. You vote for them.

- The left lane on the freeway is the fast lane. For the love of all that is good and pure, move to the right and let me pass you!

- The temp in my office who uses an entire roll of toilet paper to wipe his ass, then clogs the toilet. Is your ass that nasty that you need to kill a tree every time you crap?

Hey, I feel better! I think I got that out of my system. Now I can return to more important issues, like who would win in a fight: Spider-Man or Darth Vader? Who ya got?


Greg said...

I read somewhere that there is a direct correlation between the stupidity of the ring tone and how long it takes someone to answer it - the more annoying it is, the longer it takes. Ring tones are from Satan, I'm convinced.

You could, you know, skip a day or two. There's no law that says you have to post every day.

Rob Schamberger said...

Lord Vader's not wearing armor. He's Future Venom.

Anonymous said...

Dave, I loves me your blog and try to spread the word about the comics goodness contained herein. But heck man, it's your blog, so you should feel to post whatever off-topic stuff you want. I'm sure your audience will still love you (well, not in a physical way, mind you...not that there's anything wrong with that...)

We try to keep our group blog mostly comics-centric, but heck, we veer into weird tangents all the time. And strangely enough, it tends to be the non-comics posts that bring in new readers, who end up commenting on the comics posts. Go figure.

Anonymous said...

I was watching the Billboard Awards the other night and, just when I thought the show couldn't get any more insipid and hateful, they gave an award for "best ringtone" to 50 Cent.

David Campbell said...

Best ring tone? That is so fucked up.

Dara & Greg, you are wise.

Hate Filled Poster said...

It's your thing, do what you wanna do.
I can't tell you, who to blog it to.
If you want me to read you, maybe I will.
Believe me Dave, it ain't no big deal.
You need freedom now, just as bad as I do.
Make's me no difference now, what you give your post to.
It's your thing, do what you wanna do.
I can't tell you, who to blog it to.
I'm not trying to run your blog,I know you wanna do what's right.
Post your thoughts now, on whatever you choose.
How can you blog, with topics so few.
It's your thing, do what you wanna do.
I can't tell you, who to blog it to.

Bully said...

The name of the blog is "Dave's Long Box." One-third of that is "Dave." (well, not precisely mathmatically...if you, like, y'know, count the apostrophe and everything, a little over thirty-percent is "Dave"...should I count the spaces? Hmmm.) We like reading about "Dave" and what he thinks and does as much as we do about "Long Box." We don't mind if you talk about yourself. Especially since you are, as always, right.

Latest calculation: .266666...%. So, actually, you're way below average for just talkin' 'bout "Dave."

Anonymous said...

This is a big reason I don't get a blog, along with concerns that I'm too banal and not a good enough writer to sustain one.

I'm a big fan of the focus, too, but I just know if I had a regular blog there's no way I could keep it about one subject and one subject only. So you've got my sympathy, although if I may say so I'm pretty sure you've only made, like, four posts that weren't about comics across eight months, and that's a damn good track record.

And yeah, smoking bans suck. They just passed a ridiculous smoking ban here in Austin, Texas that's effectively killed two dozen bars and music venues, and a disastrous effect on the local music scene.

Dweeze said...

And to take Bully's analysis further, "Long Box" doesn't necessarily need to be a reference to comics, if you know what I mean.

Course that would be an entirely different audience.

My word verification word is kznqa! Happy Kznqa everyone! Except for Bill O'Reilly, of course.

Anonymous said...

Dave, I live on the other side of Washington state, which might as well be China as far as political differences go. But, I'm a lefty who thinks if people really want to smoke, they should be allowed to, and non-smoking waitresses would be issued hazmat suits and gasmasks. Of course, then the government should be under no obligation to treat smokers for smoking related ailments later in life. (In the same vein, I think people should be allowed to take the money they would pay to social security and invest it on the stock market; but if they blow it all they should be allowed to live on cat food in the streets.)
Wow. I could be the meanest liberal ever...Where was I? Oh, um, yeah, post other stuff. That's Airwolf and all...

Anonymous said...


How about a guy on stilts with a cauldron of hot oil versus a guy with an umbrella and an ax?

Anonymous said...

Before the prequels, I would have said that Vader would just force-choke poor Spidey, but since it's been established that Vader is just a whiny little bitch under that armor, I think Spidey would put him down pretty hard.

Anonymous said...

The movies have also established that Spidey is a whiny little bitch. So that's a wash.

Dave, all these fuckin' spineless people leaving a comment that "you should post whatever you want" are clearly commies. Fuck you and fuck them.

The only reason (repeat, "ONLY") that I come to your blog is to read about why your cat Po is meowing at three in the morning. So remember your roots and stay true to the cause, fucker. If you start to stray too far and get all frisky writing about "comics" and "sequential art bullshit bullshit" you will lose the core audience that has been with you from the start.

(And by the way, I'm sorry that I always use the entire roll of toilet paper and clog everything up. The answer is, Yes, my ass is really that nasty.)

SwanShadow said...

My advice, Dave, for what little it's worth, is: UBU. If today, you'd rather write about something other than comics, do it. Your blog, your readers, and you will all be better for it.

This is a major reason why my blog isn't a one-subject blog, though my posts tend to fall into a few general topic areas. My one concession to theme is that I blog about comic art every Friday, so my regular readers know to drop in on Fridays if comics are their primary interest.

Incidentally, Dara's observation is true for my blog also. The folks who seem to enjoy my Comic Art Fridays the most aren't comics readers. But many of them appreciate the exposure to, and the chance to learn more about, this art form that I love.

corbiscide said...

Hey Dave do what wanna do be what yo wanna be, yeah.

We all love you, lets just all jump in the refidgerator of love and get nice and chilly.

thekelvingreen said...

So, Bully, does that mean that for a third of the time, Dave should talk about Things That Are Long? I'm not sure how I feel about that...

Europe's a good three or four years ahead with mobile phones, sadly with the annoying stuff as well as the cool bits. So novelty ringtones and wallpapers and Best Ringtone awards were all over the place when I left my homeland, and I get to see it arrive here too. I'm heading back there soon, and I'm hoping against hope that in the intervening years my lot have grown out of novelty mobile phone drek. We'll see...

As for the other orders of business. Spidey. Umbrella Guy With Axe.

Anonymous said...

Well, I seem to recall that the recent movies have established that both the Force and the spider-sense are both forms of limited precognition, so it'd probably be a draw. Or maybe it depends on exactly how far into the future each one of them can look...

Anonymous said...

Spider-Man gets his butt kicked, but before Vader can make the killing blow, MJ does the Captain Sensible Thing and calls in the Avengers to beat Anakin's Sithy Ass. The Avengers can beat Vader into paste.

Anonymous said...

thank speak to my pain concerning ringtones...oh,and those who talk on the phone and EAT AT THE SAME TIME!!!!,really,thank you...

Sheep! said...

...your cat's name is Po?

Scipio said...

Dave, do what I do (following a tip from Heloise).

Write several posts at a time, post one and save the rest for latar (I used Tupperware to store them).

That way, when a day like this arises, you can merely uncork a saved post on the relevant subject (comics) and spare the world the ruminations on breast cancer, the spaghetti monster, and your sister's new baby.

Heloise has the answer to EVERYthing, and could kick Vader's and Spiderman's asses using some old sheets, Elmer's Glue, glitter and a broomstick.

Anonymous said...

Can we get some parameters for Spidey vs. Vader? Is it a battle to the death, or does immobilization count? There are tons of questions here- the range and accurcay of the force choke, whether or not the spider sense would enable Spidey to dodge the choke...

I'm going to pick Vader over Spidey, because I think he can lock that choke onto anything he sees, and he can chop up anything that gets within range with his lightsaber. Saber neutralizes webbing and ranged attacks, force sense and spider-sense cancel each other out, and force choke trumps anything else Spidey has.

What about Maul vs. Vader? Wouldn't that be fun?

Fett vs. Spidey would be a better battle, except for the fact that it's basically Spidey vs. Uber-Future Punisher...

The Avengers would totally kick Vader's ass if they had Thor or Iron Man. I don't think Cap could take Vader, much for the same reasons that Spidey can't- no counter to the force choke. Iron Man could just throw massive energy beams, Thor could throw THE HAMMER OF THOR, but I don't think the shield could get past the saber.

I have a long-standing argument with a friend. He thinks that given an empty arena, Luke could take Boba Fett. I disagree. It's a Jedi hunter against a half-trained rookie, and you can't deflect a flamethrower with a lightsaber. Anybody with me?

Anonymous said...

First: Yes, post what you want. It's Your Blog, and if you don't, we'll probably get less posts from you anyway, due to frustration and woe.

Second: I actually prefer there to be an initiative process. Power to the people, etc etc. Checks 'n balances.

Anonymous said...

Of courssse. The Massster of Cobra lovesss catsss like Po.

Essspecially with a white wine sssauce and gralic massshed potatoesss.

Phillip said...

Wait, scipio's cheating! Can he do that?
Seriously, Dave, post about whatever you want. I, for one, will keep coming back.

thekelvingreen said...

The pre-Bendis Avengers could take Vader easily. Not so sure about the new guys. They might have trouble with an arthritic Ewok.

But, you know, there'd be banter 'n' stuff.

Anonymous said...

My Lord, have you boys never read a Spidey comic? The man is a hero! The only way Vader is winning is if Spidey's sense fails and he doesn't realize HOW dangerous the saber is. Spidey beat the crap out of Firelord for the love of pete and all things pete-related!!! Vader puts force choke on Spidey.... Spidey picks up truck and throws it at him.... Vader stops choke to deflect truck with Saber... Oh, wait, you can't do that, can you? Ok, so he stops the choke to concentrate on stopping the hurtling truck, and Spidey webs a)his saber, b)his feet, and starts swinging him like a drunk man swings a cat, or c)both. I'm sorry boys, I'm giving this to the good guy.

Now, Fett vs the Predator.... that'd be something...

Anonymous said...

Kelvin: but this being a Bendis book, a meteor would probably smash Vader in the end.

Antonio: and how you YOU fare against this, how do you say, darth Vader?

David Campbell said...

A few points:
The Antonio, he is much sexier than the Vader.

Macavity has a good point about the whole truck-throwing thing, that's a compelling argument.

Yes, my cat's name is Po. She is named after either a) the river in Italy, or b) the Teletubbie, whichever makes me seem cooler.

Fett vs Predator. That's tough, but probably Fett. I don't know, though, no Predator has ever gone out like a sucker like Fett did... I should do a whole "versus" post!

Anonymous said...

The truck-throwing thing only comes into play if Spidey knows how dangerous Vader is... and Vader is devious enough to play possum. Webbing the saber wouldn't work because I believe a lightsaber blade is essentially a disintegration ray- as soon as the web hits it, it's gone. The way I see it, Vader would force-chuck debris at Spidey for a while, with Spidey throwing things like manhole covers and whatnot. Eventually, smartypants Spidey would web up the Sith Lord and come over to say something witty UND NOW IS ZE TIME ON SPROCKETS VEN VE CHOKE. Game over. You think a man can throw a truck when his trachea is being crushed? I disagree... and furthermore, isn't a truck a little bit past Spidey's strength limit? How strong is Mr. Parker these days?

As for Fett vs. Predator, it's obviously Fett. There's no technology edge for the Predator, there's no edge in hunting ability (best bounty hunter in the galaxy), and either Fett is a lot more cunning and devious than Der Governator or Mr. I'm Too Old For This Shit. Plus, the Fetts are Kiwis.

My ringtone is the sound of the TARDIS materializing. It's fun.

Edward Liu said...

Is it wrong for me to find cutsey ringtones annoying while wanting one that's the Teen Titans communicator alert signal or the Oscillation Overthruster chirp?

Relating to the original question, I figure that it's your blog, you can blog about whatever you want whenever you want, and anybody who doesn't like it can get their own damn blog. It's not like you started the F@%k Yeah, Earth's Mightiest Guest Stars, or Boob War series of posts because your audience asked for 'em or anything. Besides, if nothing else, I think your posts about your cat and anti-smoking laws are still more amusing than the blog average.

Anonymous said...

I'll vote for sending smokers to the work camps. Even the crack addicts don't pump their poison into my body by the very act of being drug-addicted fools.

That being said, if you wanna rant, rant.

And as for Spidey vs. Vader, Spiderman has beaten up Heralds of Galactus. If he can kick Firelord's butt, he'll crush Vader.

thekelvingreen said...

Don't forget that Spidey has some cool new 90's EXTREME! weapons at his disposal. He apparently now has stinger-claws in his wrists and likes to eat people's faces. Spidey has officially become tougher.

Vader, on the other hand, has officially become a whining brat with bad hair.

Also, Spidey can call on Iron May, Mecha Jane, the Fantastic Four and the Avengers for help. The Whining Brat Of The Sith can call on an effeminate droid, a moving dustbin and a bored Ewan McGregor to aid him in combat.

Chris Arndt said...

First off, my arse is that nasty, so I sympathize with the deforester there.

Secondly, it's your blog, and since you already use way-past-R-rated language anyway AND posted an image of She-Hulk's tits I think you are free to post just about anything.

I, for example, made the only thing that could possibly be off-topic for my blog my business and personal life. Basically the closest I can come is other people's personal or business lives, including my acquaintances. Although when the second Arndtmobile was destroyed or when I was driven from my house by fire I posted it.

I have violated my own weblogs' limitations. It's my blog I can do whatever I want until Blogspot comes down on my arse.

And I skip weeks! You can skip a day.

But I want to know about the bastard at work you hate.

Chris Arndt said...

Spider-Man has Class 10 strength.

That means that he can lift ten tons.

He has been that strong since they started measuring that stuff.

He can throw a truck pretty easy.

Anonymous said...

Okay, Spidey can throw the truck.

I still think Vader takes him, because I'm ignoring Hayder in favor of the original trilogy Vader, and the original Vader was much more hardcore.

Yes, Spiderman can call in Earth's Mightiest Heroes, the Fantastic Four, Silver Surfer, Daredevil, and maybe even the X-Men. But the fight is Spidey vs. Vader, not Vader vs. the Marvelverse. Are you going to tell me that Vader vs. Jimmy Olsen would go in favor of Olsen because he could call Superman?

Besides, if we're talking about allies and reinforcements, Vader could bug out and reduce NYC to glowing rubble with orbital turbolaser bombardment. In fact, if faced with the combined might of all those heroes, Vader would probably order the planet scorched for the sake of the Empire.

thekelvingreen said...

I don't remember She-Hulk's tits. When did they happen?

Word verification: Uadmadac! Fictional Middle-Eastern nation in the DCU, or villainous Watcher in the MU?

thekelvingreen said...

Are you going to tell me that Vader vs. Jimmy Olsen would go in favor of Olsen because he could call Superman?
Um. Yes.

Besides, if we're talking about allies and reinforcements, Vader could bug out and reduce NYC to glowing rubble with orbital turbolaser bombardment. In fact, if faced with the combined might of all those heroes, Vader would probably order the planet scorched for the sake of the Empire.
Reed Richards would have those turbolasers disabled in seconds.

Now what about Vader versus Doom? The battle of the image rights begins!

Anonymous said...

I love reading Dave's Long Box, it's a great column. That said, I believe I stand alone in saying you should not post when it's not related to comics. I have enough places to go to debate the issues and minutiae of the day, and so do you. But I only have one Dave's Long Box. Your column shows that you're a terrifically creative editor and writer, and you don't need to resort to banalities outside the scope of your mandate. And I don't want you to.

That said, the smoking ban has been a godsend in NYC.

Anonymous said...

What about the issue of Vader's power to pick up Spiderman and throw him into the Sun, without getting within a city block's radius of him? That's why Vader would win- he also wouldn't monologue about it while Spiderman quickly comes up with a brilliant plan. He would just kill the hero and be done with it. It hurts to say it now, because now George Lucas has RUINED Vader. Pre- abominations of the prequels, he was the ultimate embodiment of primal human fears- a vaguely human shape without a face, completely consumed with hatred, who will blow up your planet without a second thought and who is basically unstoppable. Now he's just a whiny, pouting, totally unsympathetic fool played by a horrible actor IN A MULLET. He is Dark Helmet, y'all!!! I would deeply love to see Spiderman beat the ever-loving crap out of Hayder. But, until that beautiful day, old-school Vader would mop the floor with Spiderman.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot-- Dave, you're awesome and you should post about comics just as much as you feel like, because if you're not having fun, then what's the point, right? I don't know a single thing about comics, but I'm learning a lot while reading this blog. LOL

Anonymous said...

Kelvin, the point I was making there is that the fights are limited in scope. Vader vs. Jimmy Olsen is over in however long it takes Vader to click the igniter on his saber and sweep his arm. (And on second thought, you can't call for help if you're being choked, so...) When somebody gives me a "hero x vs villain y" fight, I'm assuming that it's a solo battle and making my judgements accordingly.

How does a groundbound Richards take out an orbital laser battery? I'm not doubting that a straight-up fight between the FF vs. a Star Destroyer is going to go in favor of the FF, but in a surprise bombardment? Can Reed rig a shield to protect the entire city of New York in seconds while the Baxter Building shakes under a rain of energy beams?

Vader vs. Doom... that would be a better fight.

thekelvingreen said...

How does a groundbound Richards take out an orbital laser battery? I'm not doubting that a straight-up fight between the FF vs. a Star Destroyer is going to go in favor of the FF, but in a surprise bombardment? Can Reed rig a shield to protect the entire city of New York in seconds while the Baxter Building shakes under a rain of energy beams?

My gosh man, have you ever read any comics? He's the Goddamn Reed Richards! Of course he can!

Tsk. You'd better come up with something better than all this "bombardment" hoohah!

thekelvingreen said...

Also, Superman would hear Jimmy being choked, and would zoom over to save him before Vader could finish the job. He doesn't need to literally call for help.

Anonymous said...

Kelvin, of course I've read comics. The most recent FF I've read was the Ultimate line by Ellis- highly enjoyable. Yes, Reed is smart. Given that we don't know how much smashing a turbolaser does, it's entirely possible that Reed could save most of New York. But disable them from the ground? Unlikely.

And I don't think Superman responds to choking incidents, or that he could ID Jimmy's particular choking noises- he's got bigger fish to fry and things to save than giving people Super-Heimlichs.

Furthermore, I maintain that an "X vs Y" fight does not include allies. It's just X and Y.

If I were Vader, I'd just point the saber at Jimmy's head and turn it on from about ten centimeters away. Would Superman hear a drool for help?

thekelvingreen said...

Indeed, perhaps Reed wouldn't be fast enough to halt a "turbolaser bombardment" as it was happening (although I think he would), but he's undoubtedly already invented a gizmo that would prevent such an event.

Anonymous said...

"Posting the cat." Heh.

Actually, citizen's initiatives are neither checks nor balances, since they don't work to restrain the power of any branch of government. As for come no one ever talks about putting NON-smokers in camps? That'd be fun too, wouldn't it? Make the little bastards pay. I mean at least the crack addicts aren't trying to constantly poison my thought-space with their self-righteousness all the time, all day every day...yeesh.

Vader vs. Spidey, I gotta say Macavity has convinced me. Spidey all the way, even if it takes a classic three-fight to do it. Spidey's like a super-Jedi already, for God's sake!

Superman obviously saves Jimmy, every time. He's Superman, after all. And in a related story, the FF is very clearly already on board that Star Destroyer five minutes after it's in orbit, right? RIGHT? Come on, people. There's no point saying they're not. Might as well say they were all sound asleep or something when it showed up. Or already dead.

Rob Schamberger said...

Five Hours In The Future Reed Richards would just jump into Doom's time machine, come back in time, and already know how he stopped the Star Destroyer. Duh.

Word verification: sloymby - Gumby's retarded cousin.

thekelvingreen said...

I'm not entirely sure even being dead would stop Reed Richards. There'd be some Kirbytech and some long words, and then the FF would be there again, alive and well, and Vader's Big Wedge Of Space Cheese would be hurtling on a one way trip to the Galactic Rim or something.

Mister Sinister said...

Your cat wakes you because Cat-Man has willed him to do so!
The douche w/ the deforesting problem is the Mad Hatter! Only he's that mad!
Vader would kill Spidey after being covered in web. But Spidey would be laughed at until he webs Vader in the face. Then...force choke

The Avengers & The Thunderbolts would kill him or make him join Thunderbolts.

The smoking ban is because Firefly is a pyro. But he's dead. It will be lifted soon.

Morlun is like a douchey rip-off Dracula who they for some reason couldn't use.

Anonymous said...

Yes, my cat's name is Po. She is named after either a) the river in Italy, or b) the Teletubbie, whichever makes me seem cooler.

Po should be retconned to be named after Caine's Master on Kung Fu. (I bet I could talk Roy Thomas or Geoff Johns into that.) That would be way cooler, and might also give her the ability to do cat fu--probably on your sleepy ass at three in the morning.

Anonymous said...

kelvingreen said...
Now what about Vader versus Doom? The battle of the image rights begins!

I'm trying to remember which old comic biz pro said that Jack Kirby was pissed after seeing Star Wars, because he considered Vader to be a blatant ripoff of Dr. Doom. So Kirby chooses Doom, and--being Kirby--wins.

Bully said...

Dave, this is two years later and probably no longer affects you, but my cat has extensive night crying at 3 AM and after because she has a thyroid condition. I have to give her medicine for it: it doesn't stop the crying but it regulates her metabolism and weight.

Email me (bully AT nyc DOT rr DOT com) if you have any questions. I do realize your post is from ages ago.

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