Friday, March 31, 2006

Senator Calls For "Sentinel Bra"

(AP) SIOUX FALLS, SD: Sen. G. Godfrey, R-South Dakota, is shifting the focus of his “cultural crusade for decency” from publicly funded arts programs to a surprising target: The Department of Homeland Security’s Project: Wideawake. In a news conference outside of Shaw Industries Robotics Plant in Sioux Falls, Godfrey criticized what he described as the “intentionally indecent design” of the mutant-hunting Sentinel robots created at the plant.

“I think it is a great shame that the Mark V [Sentinels] have been designed in such a titillating way, and I’m here to say ‘no more,’” said Godfrey, a member of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security.


Godfrey specifically objects to the distinctive pair of sensor nodes mounted on the chests of the giant robots, which he describes as “nipples.”

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that a weapons system like the Sentinels, which was paid for by the American taxpayer, reflect the sensibilities of decent folk,” Godfrey said, standing in front of a large schematic of the Mark V robot. “The Sentinel program is intended to hunt down and inter or kill unregistered mutants, not to make people uncomfortable. These nipples have to go.”

Lawrence Bolivar, a spokesperson for Shaw Industries, disagrees. “First of all, they’re not nipples, they are chest nodes that contain sensors designed to locate mutant and superhuman targets,” Bolivar said. “Second, the senator was on the Subcommittee on Mutant Management seven years ago when the Mark Vs were designed. He had every opportunity to object to the so-called nipples back then.”

Godfrey, who is running for reelection in 2006, insists that he is responding to the concerns of his constituents.

He cited a letter of complaint he received months ago from a Sioux Falls resident who was offended when she saw a Mark V demonstration at the 2005 Dakota Thunder Airshow at Ellsworth Air Force Base. “This mother described to me the Sentinel demonstration, in which two Mark Vs hunted down and neutralized a mutant on the airfield for the amusement of the crowd. She had to cover her son’s eyes when she realized that the Mark V’s were not properly covered up.”

“She wrote to me, ‘Is it too much to ask, Senator, that my son and I can watch a Sentinel hunt down a kangaroo-man at the Airshow without having to look at giant robot nipples?’”

“My answer to her is, ‘No, ma’am. It’s not too much to ask. The hardworking, non-mutant everyday citizens of America deserve better. We want to be safe from hideous, non-licensed illegal mutants, but not at the cost of surrendering our values.’”

Godfrey is introducing a spending bill that will provide funds for retrofitting that would hide the chest node/nipples on the Mark Vs, but acknowledges that a permanent solution is years away.


“Which is why I propose an interim solution that will allow the Sentinels to hunt down mutants in a decent way: the Sentinel Bra,” Godfrey said.

Godfrey proposes fitting each Mark V robot with a top that covers the chest nodes but doesn’t impair functionality. The Sentinel Bra is made of sturdy, stretchable material similar to a sports bra.

At a fraction of the cost it would take to retrofit the entire line of robots, Godfrey’s proposal would allow Project: Wideawake to continue, but without alienating social conservatives.


“With the Sentinel Bra, these giant robots will be free to hunt mutants in the towns and fields of this great nation without exposing young children to robotic nudity,” Godfrey said.

Shaw Industries’ Bolivar was dismissive of the senator’s proposal. “If Sen. Godfrey has nothing better to do than worry about Sentinel nipples, I feel sad for him. What’s next? Is he going to decide that our gamma missiles are too phallic?”

This is not the first Congressional criticism of the Sentinel program.

In 1998, Sen. Conrad Byrdy, R-Nebraska, unsuccessfully tried to have the “shorts” on the Mark V robots painted a metallic color to match the robots’ “vests.” Public Decency groups had complained that the paint scheme made it look as if the robots were not wearing any pants at all.

34 comments:

Macavity said...

I was at that demonstration, if the lady had a problem with the robot, what about the Kangaroo man!??!?! NO ONE needs to see two tails like that (if you know what I mean) Are mutants free from social decency? Is it that hard to put on pants with those giant feet? Seriously.

gorjus said...

OH . . . my. Dave, you have reached new and spectacular heights of absuridity. More, please!!

Tami said...

Pssh. Why do we only have Sentinels? Where are the Sentinettes? Why must we put up with male egos? It disrespectful to women that all robots have to be made in "their" image. I demand equal representation in our nations military weaponry.

call me jack... said...

...wow... I want your mind Dave. that's just beautiful!

Jamie Ott said...

Genius!

Mike Loughlin said...

Ha!

Ever see the 80s cartoon Tranzor-Z? If not, there was a giant female robot suit-thingy (are those called "mechs?") and...

I can't spoil it. Look for Tranzor Z online, specifically the female robot (IIRC, Aphrodite-A). Boob War, indeed.

philip said...

tee hee. He said "titillating." tee hee hee.

Edward Liu said...

Tami, the Mark V Sentinels are female. If they were male, then nobody anywhere would object to seeing their nipples. You see, MALE nipples are natural by-products of seeing manly men stripping off their shirts to do manly things like rebuilding cars, chopping down trees, making furniture, and hunting down and killing godless commie mutant Islamofascinilistic terrorist bastards.

However, despite their near-identical appearance, FEMALE nipples are inherently prurient and sexual and serve ONLY to COMPEL men into thinking impure thoughts involving soft, lacy underwear, and...

Um...

I'm sorry, I drifted off there for a minute. What was I saying again?

kyyle23 said...

bravo Dave. Just bravo.

thedeadpenguin said...

I... I think I love you, Dave.

Anonymous said...

Looking for comic books at auction prices?

SanctumSanctorumComix said...

uh...What about the nipples that are ON THEIR PALMS and the weird nipples on the tip of each foot?

The Sentinel Mark V designer was a bit nipple CRAZY!

As are you Dave!
And we loves ya for it!

~P~
P-TOR

zailo said...

And let's not forget about sentinel ass-nipples.

Too funny David. Makes me both want to laugh and punch politicians. Airwolf!

Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!(a little disturbing...but)BRILLIANT!

Chance said...

Um...

I am weeping with pure joy at the brilliance of this post. Weeping, I tell you. This, yes, THIS is what the Internet was invented for!

carla said...

Truly, a Civil War event.

Thank you, sir.

Chawunky said...

Kangaroo? Hunted for sport to entertain the slack-jaw'd masses?! Who now will protect us from crappy bands like Short Circus?

Then again, Sentinel nipples. Heh.

Leef said...

What's next objections to Sentinel porn? I mean who doesn't like to see a group of 40 foot purple robots going at it?

Excellent work Dave!

Anonymous said...

Wow! Haven't laughed like this in a while.

Best part:

"The Sentinel program is intended to hunt down and inter or kill unregistered mutants, not to make people uncomfortable."

Hoosier X said...

What most outrages ME is that we are spending so much money to go after mutants when we COULD be spending the money to go after America's REAL enemies!

You know who I mean!

LIBERALS!

Derek said...

The sad thing about this is that it actually doesn't seem all that far fetched. Given how government and decency and religious right groups usually work.

I could actually see this being a real issue if Sentinels existed in the real world. Man, people are dumb.

Patrick said...

When you're on Dave's Long Box, every post is an April Fool's post.

spencer said...

great post. I love poking fun at the neo-conservatives.

I got a kick out of your power girl boobs post too.

see ya in the funny pages!

Grotesqueticle said...

Bravo. Just fucking Bravo.

Anonymous said...

This explains more about why Schumacher-era Batman was hunted by the police than I ever wanted to know.

Spaceman Spiff said...

I always enjoy your blog, Dave, but this one was special.

*Tear*

Say...anyone know where I can find comic books at auction prices?

Harvey Jerkwater said...

In my pants.

...what? Somebody had to say it.

David O MacGowan said...

(dies)
(is dead)
(curse you, Dave's Long Box!!)

Mister Sinister said...

so that's how Trask was...

verif:

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