Comic Book Fashion Disaster, Pt 1.

Welcome to Comic Book Fashion Disaster, a new feature here at Dave’s Long Box. We’ll be taking a look at my favorite four-color fashion faux pas – specifically, what heroes and heroines wear when they’re not on duty in spandex. I figured that ridiculing awful hero costumes has already been done by better folks than I, so why not look at what passes for normal clothing in the various super hero universes.

We’ll start with the ladies first time out. One of the hazards of being a female comic book hero is that men draw what you wear. Correction: nerdy men draw what you wear. While some artists consult with their significant others or at least flip open a magazine in an attempt to depict non-ghastly clothing, others clearly do not.

Come, take a look and you’ll see what I mean…

She-Hulk, from Incredible Hulk #316:

From the lace-up sandals to the acrylic accessories, She-Hulk is clearly going for the Florida Retiree look. Some pissed-off 80-year old woman is looking for her quilt right now. Hey She-Hulk, bingo is at 5:30, right after aquarobics.

Hideous.

Wonder Woman, from Wonder Woman #77:

“Hello, dear. You look tired.”

And by “tired” she means “cheap.”

I know she’s an immigrant and all, but somebody ought to take Diana aside and tell her she’s looking a little… what’s the word? Easy? That look might fly on Themyscira, but in the States she’s going to stand out. You know, never mind - during this era of Wonder Woman she was living in Boston; she’ll fit right in. Oh, snap! Take that, Boston!

Looker, from Batman and The Outsiders #27:

If memory serves, this scene is from a subplot that deals with the transformation of Emily, a frigid nerd girl into the saucy heroine Looker. Here, Emily receives a gift from her husband, a pretty dress that their therapist suggested that might help thaw the painfully repressed Emily. By the dialogue we can deduce that the dress is supposed to be kind of sexy, but look at that dress! That outfit is designed for making cookies or herding sheep. Unless her husband has a Little Bo Peep fetish, I can’t see how anyone would find that dress anything but grotesquely chaste and precious.

Crystal and The Black Widow from Avengers Unplugged #3:

I’m going to devote an entire post to mocking the car wreck that is Avengers Unplugged #3, but for now let’s just look at the outfits Crystal and The Black Widow wear on their night out on the town in the story “Ladies Nite.” Why did they spell the word “night” that way? I don’t know. And why are they wearing those outfits? Because a guy drew the comic book.

Mary-Jane Watson Parker from The Amazing Spider-Man #350:

“Don’t ask me to understand suicide,” Mary-Jane says as Peter Parker goes off to fight somebody lame like The Vulture while he has a head cold. It's suicide, man, don't do it!

Don’t ask me to understand your outfit! Did you lose a bet or something? Holy shit, what is she wearing? First of all, that dress makes her hips look big. There, I said it. And what is up with the tights – are those from the Dr. Seuss collection at Sears? She looks like she’s been rummaging through Nancy Sinatra’s trash for hand-me-downs. Yeesh.

Jubilee, from The Official Handbook of The Marvel Universe:

Daaamn!

Here’s Jubilee, the spunky and annoying mutant from The X-Men, wearing a pastiche of late 80’s X-Men uniforms. Let’s see, she has Rogue’s green boots, Cyclops’ yoga unitard, Dazzler’s blue spandex, Longshot’s leather vest, Keith Richards’ track marks on her left arm, The Joker’s mouth, and Colossus’ hair. Top it all off with an Army surplus belt and handbag and you have a look that says, “WTF?” Plus, look at the cut of the blue Dazzler spandex. If she took off her vest she’s be flashing some boob. Kids today – they dress like hookers and thugs!

Okay, that’s it for this installation of Comic Book Fashion Disaster. Next time we’ll take a look at the civilian clothing and hairstyles of some of our favorite heroes. Expect to see Tony Stark’s mullet.

Until then, I leave you with demonic Smilex Jubilee:

I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!