Friday, December 16, 2005

Lame-ass villain #12 - Unus


Unus the Untouchable is a lame X-Men villain from back-in-the-day (first appearance X-Men #8, 1964) who can psionically create invisible forcefields around himself. That’s actually a pretty cool power, and it’s not what makes him lame. His dated, cheesy appearance is not what makes him lame. What is that emblem on his belt anyway, a menorah? It would be cooler if it was. No, what makes Unus the Untouchable so lame is…

His name is Unus the Untouchable.

It’s that simple. If your name sounds like “anus” and your nickname is “untouchable?” People are going to laugh.

I’ll bet Unus has heard his share of rude comments about his name – maybe some just like this (prepare for comedy):

“That’s really your name? That’s funny, because it sounds like ‘anus.’ Have you ever heard that before?”

“Is that Greek?”

“Were you named after the goofy but lovable deputy on The Dukes of Hazard?”

“I’m sorry, did you say ‘anus?’”

“Hey Unus! Can’t touch this!”

“Anus! Hey, Anus! Ha ha ha!”

“My mom told me to stop touching my Unus because when I go to sleep I rub my eyes and I can develop a staph infection or styes or something on my eyelids because of the poo and stuff.” *


And finally…

“Hey, Unus! Slide me that chair!”
*I am so sorry.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear God, Dave.

thekelvingreen said...

And yet there's so much potential in his power, but he's been saddled with a ridiculous name, a ridiculous costume, and no personality to speak of. Pity poor Anus.

I mean, Unus.

James Meeley said...

You have to pity any character who's codename could be confused with the word "Anus". ;)

James said...

I am so sorry.

Clearly not sorry enough.

Anonymous said...

You know what else is untouchable?


YOUR MOM!


Hmm... not sure if that one works. A flaw in the perfect joke?

Anonymous said...

I remember a pretty cool issue of Power Man & Iron Fist where they fought Unus. Basically, they pounded on him for a really long time -- even with Iron Fist "focusing his chi" and stuff -- and couldn't get him to stop smirking.

Then Luke Cage (who is badass) picked Unus up by his forcefield, and started carrying him away to jail.

Unus dropped the forcefield for a second, to get away, and Iron Fist gave him a slipper to the jaw. I mean, there was a foot in the slipper. It was his foot. I mean, Iron Fist's foot. It was a kick to the jaw.

Scipio said...

Oh, I know that type.

"Unus" is "untouchable"...

until the fourth drink.

Steve said...

Oddly enough, Unus's haircut looks an awful lot like Dave's.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Bong's was intentionally ridiculous, though. I mean, he was created for a Howard the Duck story. I think.

Anonymous said...

Yep. He was actually a fairly normal character by Steve Gerber standards--this was also the guy who came up with Kidney Lady and Elf with a Gun.

I have a perverse and completely unjustified love for these early X-Men issues. Wasn't Unus from the one where Beast briefly quit the X-Men and became a professional wrestler?

Anonymous said...

What I love about the elf with the gun is that Steve Gerber really had no idea where he was going with it. He just put it in there because Sal Buscema wanted something different to draw.

As for Unus, hasn't he been killed, like, three times? And he keeps coming back, because, well, writers forget he was killed in the first place because he's so lame/

Anonymous said...

Ah, but Kyle Baker used Unus in an old strip in Marvel Age. Four panel joke, probably Unus' shining hour. Yeah, he ended up dead, suffocated in his forcefield or something. I think some relation named Unuscione or something was in the Acolytes. For Unus, that would probably be icing on the cake of suck, like your daughter going into porno or becoming a Morlock. Or both. Huh.

SwanShadow said...

Unus would like you all to know that his name has nothing to do with "anus."

Unfortunately, it has everything to do with "eunuch."

Thus explaining exactly why he's untouchable.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't he also a character on "Mama's Family"?

zailo said...

Hmmm. Didn't Stuart Anderson have a black unus?

Anonymous said...

OH MY SWEET AUNT PETUNIA'S GARTERS!!! Someone else remembers the elf???? I have one old, obscure Defenders comic. The one where Patsy and Daimon announce their engagement, Iceman comes to visit,and the only action is Beast scrubbing Gargoyle's back in the bathtub (I wish I was kidding). At the end, this elf pops up, points a gun at Dr. Strange, the Sub-Mariner, THE HULK, and the SILVER SURFER (emphasis on people who should really not fall over) and blasts them all.... Then it says, "Next: the enigmatic elf!!"

I never found out what happened....

Anonymous said...

And don't even get Dave started on Sphincty the Impenetrable.

Anonymous said...

macavity,

go here

http://dialbforblog.com/archives/172/

and check the comments for a discussion of the elf and several links.

As for Unus: I had a friend in middle school who started working at a gas station and he was rolling in dough at a young age. (This was about 1977.) One of the things he spent his money on was old comic books. He used to gloat about it too. "Look at my Fantastic Four #12. What's your oldest issue?"

"# 121" (which I got at at a used book store, 2 for a quarter.)

"Ha ha!"

So one day, he showed up with his X-Men # 8 and he thought he was pretty hot shit ... for like two seconds!

"You got a comic about WHO? Anus the Untouchable?"

Ha ha ha ha!

"Does he come from Uranus?"

Ha ha ha ha!

"He ain't getting near MY anus!"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I would usually read Ricky's comics, and I desperately wanted to read X-Men #8, but there was NO WAY I could ask him after we all ragged on him about Unus. I didn't read X-Men #8 until it was reprinted in the '90s.

Anonymous said...

Unus was the only mutant to survive the Genosha tragedy physically unscathed. Ironiclly Colossus is the only person to penetrate Unus unscathed...*shiver*

Mark W. Hale said...

Somebody. must have touched Unus; his son was in Alpha Flight V2.

David Campbell said...

I can't believe I passed up the chance to make a Unus/Starfinger joke...

Anonymous said...

He could always team up with Thor's troll enemy, Ulik!

It's a lispers dream..ULIK N' UNUS FIGHTS THE MIGHTY THOR!!

Just apply cream thoroughly to affected area!

Anonymous said...

The crazy thing is, he chose to be called Unus. His real last name was Unuscione, which was supposed to be Italian, I think, and he just shortened it. Almost anything else would have been an improvement. I'll bet he could have struck fear into the hearts of millions just by calling himself "Steve". They would have been like, "Holy crap! It's Steve, that evil mutant with the invulnerable force field! He's unstoppable!"

I mean, you win big in the mutant power lottery and get "nearly indestructible force field", as opposed to the people who get, say, "uncontrollable mucus flow", or the slightly better "ability to calm jittery squirrels". And his power generally has no down side--he can turn it on and off at will (except for that one time his powers went out of control, that is), so there's none of that "I can't get close to people", like with Rogue. But he shoots himself in the foot by picking a lame name and wearing a lame-ass costume. Douche.

Anonymous said...

Unus is probably a sign of how much comics have changed. In the 80s, when his power went hyper, he suffocated and died (and then came back time and time again when comic writers figured they could be the first to make a joke about his name. They weren't.). When it went hyper in his first appearance, way back in the 60s... he was desperately reaching for some pie.

Hey, shouldn't his power make his clothes explode?

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