Thursday, May 05, 2005

Lame-ass villain #5 - Turner D. Century


Mere words cannot adequately convey the deep, profound lameness that is Turner D. Century, but I’ll give it a shot.

First appearing in 1980 in Spider-Woman #33, Turner D. Century was an extreme social conservative who longed for the halcyon days of yore when our society wasn’t corrupted by smut and everyone knew their place, particularly women and minorities. There are plenty of assholes like that in America who either run for office or get their own talk radio shows, but Turner wants to advance his social agenda by fighting Spider-Woman. Go figure.

I should qualify my mockery by saying that Turner D. Century was created by writer J.M. DeMatteis, who I think was going for a creepy/surreal/absurd/insane villain with maybe a pinch of social commentary. The end result, however, is a stupid fucking villain who has a flamethrower umbrella and a flying bicycle.

How scary would it be to fight Turner D. Century? I mean, the guy’s about as threatening as Col. Sanders or the “Pepperidge Farms remembers!” guy.

This is one of those one-punch villains that even the wimpiest superhero should be able to take out in a panel or two, but it takes Spider-Woman the whole damn issue to defeat him. I mean, the writer has to contrive implausible reasons for Turner D. Century not to get his ass kicked right off the bat. I don’t know, maybe Turner D. Century is a step up from some of the clowns Spider-Woman normally fought, like Gypsy Moth (she dissolves clothing!) or The Hangman (he has a rope!) or Daddy Long Legs (he’s got long legs!). I have a feeling if her series wasn’t cancelled, she would have fought villains like Squirt Gun and Potato Bug.

Amazingly, Turner D. Century appears in two more comic books after his initial appearance. Yes, somebody at Marvel thought to themselves, “You know, kids really like Turner D. Century – let’s bring him back! He could be the next Sabretooth!” So he appeared in Marvel Team-Up #120, where he tried to use his “time horn” to kill everyone in New York City under the age of 65. I’m not making that up.

Mr. Century’s final appearance was in Captain America #319, where he met his fate at the hands of Scourge in the Bar with No Name. That’s right, he died on that bar room floor right next to other super-villain greats like Cheetah and Steeplejack. I’m sure children everywhere were devastated.

Don’t worry kids, in five or ten years I predict Ultimate Turner D. Century. You heard it here first.

[EDIT: Thanks to reader Martin for pointing out seanbaby's brilliant Turner D. Century page. Lots of quality scans of Turner D. Century in action as well as seanbaby's usual hilarious commentary. And if you haven't read his SuperFriends stuff, you're missing out.]

24 comments:

Bill said...

Was his real name Turner D. Century? How can the guy not be obsessed with the 1890's with a name like that? Granted, maybe the super-villain game wasn't the greatest career choice, but I bet he could of made a killing manufacturing those bikes with the ginormous front wheels.

David Campbell said...

Apparently his real name was Clifford Michaels, and he was raised by a reclusive conservative billionaire in a weird Bay Area mansion that featured a life-size version of a turn-of-the century American town populated by wax dummies...

N said...

Stop yer mockin' of Turner D. Century, you dadburned young'un! You whippersnappers think you're so copacetic with your infernal computing devices!

David Campbell said...

Quiet, you! Why I've half a mind to give you a sound thrashing about the neck and shoulders like the rapscallion you are!

Anonymous said...

"Was his real name Turner D. Century?"

Finn D. Cycle.

Konstantinos Stamoulis said...

Squirt Gun ...

tomthedog said...

Potato Bugs are scary!!!

Brad Curran said...

I really want to see Ultimate Turner D. Century now. I'm also hoping that Bendis will send a coalition of Spider-Woman villains after the New Avengers.

Ian said...

He should team up with Dr. T.O. Morrow.

This why parents need to think hard about naming their kids, else their offspring meddles in the supervilliany arts.

"Of course he's a SUPERVILLIAN, his name is a THING!"

Martin said...

There's a really good article somewhere on seanbaby about Turner D. Century. I'm not going to post a link - you young people know how to use this internet.
Did anyone think that President Bush's coal research initiative may be a result of residual Turner D. Century influence in the real world? Ooo-wa!

Shane Bailey said...

I used to do something like this called Not Quite Near-Mint Heroes except mine weren't as good as yours here. Keep up the good work. It's always funny to make fun of stupid comic characters.

Ten-Eyed Man

Starfinger

I did two others but I can't find them right now.

David Campbell said...

I love the Ten Eyed Man, that's bad ass. I always thought Starfinger sounded dirty - I bet he had a brother named Brownfinger. Ba-dum-dum.

Shane Bailey said...

I made a t-shirt from a cartoon of Starfinger's helmet I drew in Illustrator. FEAR THE FINGER!

David Campbell said...

That's awesome. I do fear the finger, now.

Vaklam said...

Turner's nowhere NEAR as threatening as Col. Sanders or the “Pepperidge Farms remembers!” guy. Those dudes are creepy.

In fact, Turner should have used that as his catch phrase right before he turned that wicked umbrella on someone:

"Pepperidge Farm remembers!!!" FWOOOOSH!

ghostman said...

When all those lame-ass villains met up that last time at the "Bar With No Name", one of the others looks Turner up and down and says, "Who are you? Gay Nineties Man?" Priceless.

If that "Time-Horn" plot had succeeded, though, every car in New York would have been driving around with its blinker on.

And Gypsy Moth destroys clothes? Is it too late to put her on retainer and send her out against superheroines while my cameras roll? I'm having a Glenn Quagmire moment here.

Mister Sinister said...

he also had a father who looked like Roger Bachs on a small train who raised him to suck man-ass.
He talks to dolls dressed in old clothes & probably would suck.

In Ultimate, he would have an exo-skeleton & he could lift like 100 tons. He would then somehow get that removed & be defeated. Or hed have like a youth potion & superstrength & then after getting his ass kicked he would disintegrate.

Mister Sinister said...

oh and Starfinger sucks ass. See him in LOSH the kids show & you shall his magnitude of suckery

lazy_cg said...

hat are you guys talking about this turn d. century guy is the awesomeness. he's my captain kraken.

sexy said...

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,按摩棒,跳蛋,充氣娃娃,情境坊歡愉用品,情趣用品,情人節禮物,情惑用品性易購

免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,免費AV,色情網站,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人影片,成人網站,A片,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,情色網,日本A片,免費A片下載,性愛

A片,色情,成人,做愛,情色文學,A片下載,色情遊戲,色情影片,色情聊天室,情色電影,免費視訊,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊聊天室,一葉情貼圖片區,情色,情色視訊,免費成人影片,視訊交友,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,言情小說,愛情小說,AIO,AV片,A漫,av dvd,聊天室,自拍,情色論壇,視訊美女,AV成人網,色情A片,SEX

情趣用品,A片,免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,色情網站,免費AV,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人網站,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,成人影片,情色網


情趣用品,A片,免費A片,日本A片,A片下載,線上A片,成人電影,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,微風成人區,成人文章,成人影城,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,臺灣情色網,色情,情色電影,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,麗的色遊戲,情色論壇,色情網站,一葉情貼圖片區,做愛,性愛,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,美女交友,做愛影片

av,情趣用品,a片,成人電影,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,aio,av女優,AV,免費A片,日本a片,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,聊天室,美女交友,成人光碟

情趣用品.A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,色情遊戲,色情網站,聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,免費A片,日本a片,a片下載,線上a片,av女優,av,成人電影,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,成人網站,自拍,尋夢園聊天室

Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

徵信, 徵信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 感情挽回, 婚姻挽回, 挽回婚姻, 挽回感情, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信, 捉姦, 徵信公司, 通姦, 通姦罪, 抓姦, 抓猴, 捉猴, 捉姦, 監聽, 調查跟蹤, 反跟蹤, 外遇問題, 徵信, 捉姦, 女人徵信, 女子徵信, 外遇問題, 女子徵信, 徵信社, 外遇, 徵信公司, 徵信網, 外遇蒐證, 抓姦, 抓猴, 捉猴, 調查跟蹤, 反跟蹤, 感情挽回, 挽回感情, 婚姻挽回, 挽回婚姻, 外遇沖開, 抓姦, 女子徵信, 外遇蒐證, 外遇, 通姦, 通姦罪, 贍養費, 徵信, 徵信社, 抓姦, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信公司, 女人徵信, 外遇

徵信, 徵信網, 徵信社, 徵信網, 外遇, 徵信, 徵信社, 抓姦, 徵信, 女人徵信, 徵信社, 女人徵信社, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 女人徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社,

徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 外遇, 抓姦, 離婚, 外遇,離婚,

徵信, 外遇, 離婚, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信社, 征信, 征信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 征信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦

Anonymous said...

借錢 票貼 借錢 借貸 借貸 借錢 當舖 借貸 當舖 當舖 票貼 借款 借貸 借錢 票貼 二胎 週轉 融資 借錢 借款 當舖 二胎 票貼 借貸 借錢 借貸 票貼 當舖黃頁 借錢黃頁 貼現黃頁 借錢黃頁 借貸黃頁 借貸黃頁 當舖黃頁 貼現黃頁 票貼黃頁 二胎黃頁 融資黃頁 借錢 借貸 票貼 借貸 票貼 借錢優質黃頁 借貸優質黃頁 票貼黃頁 借錢 當舖 票貼 借錢 借貸 借款 貼現 貼現 當舖聯盟網 當舖聯盟網 當舖聯盟網 借錢 票貼 借貸 當舖 票貼 借貸 借錢 當舖聯盟網 當舖聯盟網 網站分類 網站搜索 網站搜尋 網站黃頁 網站名錄 網址目錄 directory 網站登錄 網站目錄 交換連結 台灣網站指南 網站指南 借錢 借錢 借貸 借貸 票貼 借款 借貸 借貸 借錢

Bot and me said...

Interesting post. Thanks for the share. Keep posting like that.

Super Bowl Commercials 2012 said...

Nice post. Great blog.
Super Bowl Commercials 2012| Money Talks|