Thursday, December 01, 2005

Dave's ultimate Avengers roster - like you care

Let's go off on a little Avengers-related tangent for Earth's Mightiest Guest Stars Week. You know, people never come up to me on the street and ask me my picks for the ultimate, definitive Avengers line-up. Faced with such an overwhelming lack of interest, I thought I would share my Avengers dream team with you, the Dave's Long Box reader. No, don't thank me. Thank you.

First, if The Avengers were real - if I had to staff them with actual human beings - I would choose the following:

  • Richard Branson - knight, entrepreneur, balloonist, and founder of the Virgin family of companies. He's the Tony Stark of the Real Avengers.
  • Ice T - No, not Mr. T. That's too obvious. The Real Avengers need a Wolverine, somebody dangerous and trigger-happy. They need Ice T. As the man says: "If you think you got an 'S' on your chest? You better wear two vests."
  • Bono - hey, if he was good enough to be nominated for the Nobel Prize, he's good enough for the Real Avengers. Plus, his tagline could be: "Am I buggin you? I don't mean to bug ye."
  • Mary Lou Retton - the 1980's version of America's sweetheart, Olympic gymnast Mary Lou Retton, thawed from cryosleep. Every team needs a spunky, annoying junior member whose curiousity always gets them in trouble.
  • Gary Busey - because he is Gary Busey.
  • Daljit Dhaliwal - former anchor for ITN World News, this Indian-born beauty has a mind like a steel trap, and would act as the human computer for The Real Avengers. Plus, she's fluent in 6 languages and is an expert archer.

But enough about the Real Avengers. Wow, that was just a little throw-away joke that turned into a whole thing. Let's talk about the ultimate comic-book Avengers team.

Here's my dream line-up (This is so message-boardy of me.):

Captain America - You have to have Cap, or it's not The Avengers. As a matter of fact, in order for it to be a valid Avengers roster, it also has to include either Iron Man or Thor as well. Despite his lack of raw power, Cap is an unparalleled combatant with one of the finest tactical minds on earth, and has one super power: the writer is always on his side.

Iron Man - He's got the money, he's got the hardware, he's got the smarts. You have to have one scientific genius on the team, and I'm going for Tony Stark over Hank "Ant Man" Pym. I mean, how smart can Hank Pym be, really? He invents Pym Particles, which allow you to grow or shrink - and 9 times out of 10 the dude chooses to shrink. Who would choose to be Ant Man instead of Giant Man? He's an idiot. And anyway, Stark is loaded - you'd never have to worry about who's paying for dinner with him on the team.

Thor - How could you not want Thor on your team? I'd have him on just to make him say funny stuff in that Olde English dialect of his. "Hey, Thor! Ask me who let the dogs out again!"

Black Panther - Black Panther is rich, too, and he has his own country. Plus, he looks cool. You have to have one guy on the team whose job is to just pose in the background looking cool.

Scarlet Witch - I would pick the pre-crazy version of the character, of course. Her powers are so loosely defined that she can do pretty much anything a writer wants her to do.

Hawkeye - Every superhero team needs a guy that shoots things. Green Arrow, Cyclops, Human Torch, Hawkeye... They're just handy to have around. Plus, Hawkeye is the best character ever. Now that he's alive again I can stop mailing Bendis dead cats.

Ms Marvel - Notice I said Ms Marvel, not Warbird. Ms Marvel has white Batman eyes, which really works for me. Plus, that sash... Mmm...

So there you go. I'm not adverse to The Wasp, Hercules, She Hulk, or Namor on my team either. Under no circumstances would my team have The Vision, The Black Knight, Sersi, or USAgent because they suck.

You heard me: USAgent sucks.

I know, I'm really going out on a limb here.

79 comments:

Scott said...

You need that Beast/Wonderman dynamic too. And NO Moondragon. Ever. In any comic.

Richard said...

Can Jimmy Carter be the "Beast" figure in this real life Avengers crew? He's already an X - President and he's probably more qualified than Bono by being a GENUINE Nobel Prize Winner.

Greg said...

Ice-T also "breaks ill in extra large portions," so that's cool.

Anonymous said...

I'm right with you on leaving Sersi and USAgent far, far away from the team. And Tripod or Trireme or whatever the hell that awful character was. But as much as I love Black Panter, and I do think he looks badass, I would leave him off my dream line-up and swap in Beast. Black Panther can't strike the badass-in-back pose with your current lineup, that's Thor's job! Beast fills the vital role of "character that doesn't look dumb crouching" for group shots. Also, I'd swap in Captain Marvel/Photon/Pulsar for Scarlet Witch, assuming you guarantee it's the smart-up-and-comer-suited-to-lead-the-group version. Her powers are more than flexible enough to solve any problem, and it means a marked decrease in "I am Magneto's daughter!" related angst.

Rick Jones said...

I agree that an essential Avengers lineup has to have at least two of Cap, Iron Man and Thor. I'd also say it has to have at least three of: Wasp, Hawkeye, Wonder Man, She-Hulk, Vision, Scarlet Witch, Beast.

Ms Marvel and Black Panther are both cool characters, but not requred for it to be the Avengers.

I'd almost say that Wasp is essential, just due to longevity and a great run as team leader.

Anonymous said...

Not only does Ice-T "break ill in extra large portions" but he asks us, "Where's your parents? I'll make you an orphan." Which rhymes. He MUST be a Real Avenger.

call me jack... said...

...I like Black Knight... he's just so underpowered compared to the rest of the group. he amuses me mightily. but that's probably just me.

kelvingreen said...

I did mine a while ago here. I pretty much stand by it, except I think I'd now swap Quasar out for Cap (having seen the light since then), just as long as Cap realises that Wasp is in command and to JUST BUTT OUT STEVE!

Steve Mohundro said...

If it's The Earth's Mightiest Gust Stars, shouldn't you include that old windbag Storm? And Weather Wizard? And ... I'm out.

Adam said...

What, so the whole technological genius and hand-to-hand-combat and master tactician and beat-the-FF-to-a-standstill thing doesn't rate a mention with T'Challa? You just want him to pose? Wasted potential there, Dave.

Thumbs up on the Beast/Wonderman inclusion, for sure.

Patrick said...

I'm sorry, Good Sir, but the Vision rocks and you should be beaten with stones if you disagree. His design and powers are neat, and he has that nice man/machine dichotomy which is pretty good story fodder. The Vision rules.

Other than that... I'd probably swap out Wasp for Ms. Marvel, and there's a good chance I'd stick Quicksilver on my team. He's got a chip on his shoulder, and will fight with anybody for any reason at all, and that's always fun.

I'll tell you who wouldn't be on the team though: Wolverine. I'm warming up to New Avengers, but it doesn't matter how many times I see Wolvie posing alongside Spider-Man, Cap and Iron Man, it just never looks right. I can accept Cage, and Spidey's probably overdue, but Wolverine sticks out like a sore thumb.

Anonymous said...

My Ultimate Avenger Time (har har) would have The Vision, The Black Knight, Sersi, AND USAgent.

jonvon said...

wow, ok. i have to fess up before i go on my little (very, very little and tiny) tirade. i haven't read comics, other than a random Thanos comic i picked up at a used book store for fun a few months back, in about 20 years. about 10 years ago (has it been that long?) i did get intrigued by Sandman, but didn't become a collector or anything.

as a young fellow i was avid, avid i say, about comics. but not real smart about them. i didn't put any of them in plastic covers or anything. i just read them like crazy.

for instance, i had Iron Fist #1. the very first one. it disappeared after a while, well read and ragged i'm sure. i sure did love that character.

i remember them being very cheap. 10 cents or so. i remember being shocked when they went up to a quarter. that really cut into my candy money at the time.

so lately i've been forced to acknowledge the absolutely gi-normous affect comics had on my young psyche. one of the many signs that comics were very important to me then, and therefore still are, is the unfettered joy i get reading this blog. i mean, the writing is hilarious. but the subject matter, man it just plugs right into a place in my mind that feels like home.

ok, here is my very o so tiny rant.

when i was a kid Vision was the shizitz. i loved the idea that he could move through walls, change density and all that. and the idea that he was an android, and yet could engage in (what looked to me at the time like) adult relationships, emotional exchanges, that was automaticaly cool. i've always been a sucker for machines who can feel emotion, or philosophize (it seemed to me he did a bit of that), who are in some way human. and he had those rays that would come out of his eyes. didn't he? man i don't remember now. he was complex. i liked that.

man, whatever the case, he was automatically bad ass. he had a teardrop thing on his forehead didn't he? i thought he looked so cool when he was drawn well.

maybe the writers went some corny direction with him in the intervening years. but when i was a little fellow, trudging back and forth to the 7-11 for my comics and candy fix, he was one of my faves. he'd definitely make my avengers roster. if i had one of those. i guess i do.

i was never crazy about the scarlet witch. and never crazy about the fact that they were married. that was always weird. but still, it made Vision cooler somehow, even though i couldn't understand why he hung around with that nutty woman. she was always crying about something...

also i have to agree about black panther. he was one of my faves for sure.

ok, that is all. keep up the good work. :-)

roel said...

I love the exercise of trying to figure out the best Avengers roster. I've spent a lot of hours trying to work it out, and check out my line-up (I'm pretty proud of it!):

Cap: for all the obvious reasons

Iron Man: again, it's not the Avengers without him

Luke Cage: a much more useful token minority than Black Panther. T'Challa can only pose in the background. Luke can throw down.

Spider-Man: for all the opportunities at banter.

Wolverine: Tony Stark said it best -- "if we have another magic bitch go crazy on us, we need a dude who can stick razors in her guts to kill her." (I might be paraphrasing a little.)

Sentry: he has the power of a million exploding suns! You want this dude on your crew!

Jessica Drew: she's got spider powers, she's a shield contact, AND she has insider dope on Hydra. As my Italian friends say, fuhgeddaboutit!

and finally, Ronin: really, how the rest of you can even consier an Avengers squad without Ronin is incomprehensible. Here's the clue store, people! Buy one!

Top THAT team, motherfuckers!

David Cutler said...

All nice choices, I think, but I think She-Hulk pretty much belongs on the team. For myself, I'd go Cap, Iron Man, Thor, Shulkie, Pre-crazy Wanda, pre-suck Quicksilver, Black Panther, Ms. Marvel, Hawkeye, Vision, and, yeah, Spider-Man. I've wanted him on the team since I was a tot, so it's the one good thing to come out of Disassembled for me.

Reno said...

What... no FORCE WORKS lineup!!?!?!

Chris said...

How the HELL does STEVEN HAWKING not make your real-life team!?!?! DUDE!!! He should be the leader... that'd be AWESOME

I SAY AVENGERS, ASS-EMBLE!

in that awesome computer voice. Tight. Man's a superhero!

Rob Schamberger said...

My team would be:

US Agent: It's Captain America, but EXTEME!!!

Dr Druid: It's Dr Strange, but EXTREME!!!!

Scarlet Spider: It's Spiderman, but EXTREME!!!!!

Hercules: It's Thor, but EXTREME!!!!!!

She Hulk: It's the Hulk, but EXXXTREME!!!!!!!

Black Goliath: He's got the best porno name ever, and he's an African American Giant Man. You guessed it, EXTREME!!!!!!!!

That Weapon X/Kane dude: He's an even more EXTREME!!!!!!!!! version of Wolverine. Oh my god, he makes me go in my pants just thinking about him!!!@


Actually, if I wanted a team that would actually, like, save the Earth and stuff, I'd go with Thor, Hercules, Quasar, Silver Surfer, Sentry, Namor, Dr Strange, X-Man, and Cable. Dude, no one would fuck with the Marvel U with these guys tellin' 'em to take off. Although, with like 5000 superheroes wandering around the planet, it's amazing anything bad ever happens there.

Oh my god, oh my god, my word verification is ijhzdnuu. That should have so been my word verification for Saliva Strand Wonder Woman.

Harpo said...

I've got to third or fourth the Beast/WonderMan thing. And your exclusion of the Vision has me questioning your superheroisitismverisimilitude for the first time ever. Plus give me Hank Pym over Tony Stark anyday - with Hank you're never quite sure who'll be showing up any given day (Goliath, Antman, Giantman, Yellowjacket, etc, etc, etc. - it's like a neverending suprise party in reverse.)

Kevin Church said...

My Avengers:
Steed and Mrs Peel.

Ha.

Actually, Kurt Busiek came very freaking close to what I'd call an ideal lineup with his Avengers, but I'd axe Justice and Firestar to make room for Photon aka That Female Captain Marvel and T'Challa.

Yes, Luke Cage can throw down, but T'Challa's like Sweet Sweetback's Badassssss Batman, so...

maggie katzen said...

My Avengers:
Steed and Mrs Peel.


mmmmmm, yes, i think grant morrison already covered that.

Bill Reed said...

What, no Vision!?

kelvingreen said...

Oops, I did it again. Quasar got bumped, sadly.

Milo George said...

The best Avengers team would be the Shooterified originals:

* The Hulk when he was grey, a total asshole and lived in Vegas

* Suicidal, red-jumpsuit Hank Pym, whose only friend was his sentient hovercar

* Mildly unstable and disillusioned Captain [formerly America] before he got that replacement shield but still had the cool van

* Thor when the only thing holding what was left of his cursed, shattered body together was that spiffy Simonson armor

* Assholic Iron Man in the silver & red armor, who was almost literally caving in heads over his intellectual-property rights at the time

* And Wasp, the former whiner/hostage of the team, who had become its bland, boringly competent leader

Don't even pretend that team wouldn't have been a melting pot of interesting character-driven plots and conflict.

Kevin Church said...

Morrison did do that Steed And Mrs Peel mini with some nice art by Ian Gibson, yes, but production problems plagued that thing. Somebody should manage to scratch together the nickels to get that and Dare reprinted, they should

Brad said...

And maybe Zenith, too. I'd put forth an Avengers line-up, but 1) I can't top Milo's and 2) I've never been much of a fan of them anyway.

kelvingreen said...

Steed and Mrs Peel got a tpb release, at least. I saw it in my local library once.

As for Zenith, that's in rights-dispute-hell at the moment, as I recall. It's printed, but rotting away in a warehouse in London, while Geoff Johns' work is infesting bookshops like a particularly nasty STD.

Kurt said...

Spider-Man, Spider Woman, Ant Man, Wasp, Black Widow and the Tick. And we won't need Tony Stark cause we're sponsored by Terminix.

Cove West said...

Definitely no Stephen Hawking. Batman already disproved his F@*$ Yeahbility.

My Avengers team:

Cap, Iron Man, Thor - Maybe they don't all have to show up for every mission, but without them it's just a team, not Earth's Mightiest.

Beast - Even without Wonder Man on the team, he still belongs. Funny, but can be serious when warranted.

Vision - Almost as Avenger-iconic as the Big 3.

Magik - What?!? Well, it just seems like an interesting fit. As a superhero "type", she's almost a Wanda clone, just younger and a little more unstable (well, until recently). Just gotta fix that "dead" thing...

Captain Marvel (Photon) - After such great promise under Stern, she apparently got lost in the Soul Gem or something for the past 20 years.

Hawkeye (reserve) - I always liked Hawkeye best when he was off leading another team and would periodically stop by the mansion just to tell Cap how much better his team was. Not just for the humor, but because I like the idea that Cap and Clint are actually trying to make their teams better. Self-improvement and all that.

Anonymous said...

I think you need Cap, a technician, a brick, a ranged attack guy, a sneaky guy, and someone who can fly. Too many people get hurt in falls. Gotta have flight. Some of these people can overlap but tactically, you need these powers.

So, I'm saying Cap, Iron Man, Hawkeye, and Wasp at a minimum. Throw in Vision for his useful "Float Through Crap" powers and either Storm or Squirrel Girl, who brings the power of a million squirrels.

-- John Nowak

Edward Liu said...

I'll take Ms. Marvel on the team, but only if she's in the navel-exposing outfit. Same for Scarlet Witch. Hell, throw in a navel-exposing outfit for Cap, Hawkeye, and Thor, too. As we've seen with Supergirl, Scarlet Witch, the Huntress, and Hawkgirl, all superhero costumes are better when they expose midriff.

Iron Man doesn't get one because it's armor and I'm sure there's engineering issues. Panther doesn't get one 'cuz the all-black look is K3Wl, and he's an "outie" anyway. Nobody likes looking at an "outie" belly button.

Dr. Pants said...

Uh...you totally forgot to put Rage on the team.

You know he'll bring cupcakes his grandma made to the Avengers meetings. What about Rage, Dave?

More importantly, what about the children?

Rob Schamberger said...

Y'all will definitely be getting your Monica Rambeau fix with NextWave.

tezil said...

You left out the Vision, you Communist Pinko Unamerican bastard.

That's like making an X-Men dream team and leaving out The Beast. I mean, it's not like Vision ever participated in any essential Avengers storylines or that he is needed to make the Scarlet Witch an interesting character, or anything.

Also, Black Panther is cooler than Iron Man.

Tony Stark: I am rich, good looking, a genius, and wear a supersuit of Armor. I am also a raging alkie and served in the George W. Bush administration.

T'Challa: I am rich, good looking, royalty, a genius, and help the Avengers settle any pending Affirmative Action lawsuits. I own most of the world's Vibranium. Plus, I am so cool I don't need to walk around in a tin can. I also once beat up the Fantastic Four using only gymnastics and my fists. I did this in part by OUTSMARTING REED RICHARDS. Screw you, Von Doom.

Anyway, I am extremely partial to Wonder Man, but he has to wear the red jacket and sunglasses with that belt that has rockets on it.

Anonymous said...

Screw yous guy's avenger lineup, give me a team of DALJIT DHALIWAL. SHe is stunning and I am shamed I have never heard of her. Some goya ex I am... Good post, I always thought the john byrne lineups of the early 80's kicked much ass. Besides, he drew the best iron man pulse blasts.


Namaste,
-thebridgeisover

kelvingreen said...

Anyway, I am extremely partial to Wonder Man, but he has to wear the red jacket and sunglasses with that belt that has rockets on it.
Tezil, is this you talking, or are you still talking in T'Challa's voice? Because I don't remember this pushing-the-boundaries relationship cropping up in any Avengers issues I've ever read... :)

Chuck T. said...

I didn't like when the Avengers would make cuts: reducing the lineup to six or so active members. If I'm running the Avengers, I want like 40 guys there. Keep your phone on, hang out at the mansion, be there when we need you. None of that "everyone's out of town" nonsense you'd see in Spider-man every once in a while.
I don't even buy Kurt Busiek's rationale that too many Avengers would be tripping over each other fighting Whirlwind. That should've gone down like this:
WASP: Holy crap! Whirlwind just robbed a bank! Avengers...
(Beast and Wonderman don't leave the Playstation. Some lucky sod is making out with Sersi. No one gets up.)
WASP: Oh, I've got it.

Anonymous said...

Real Life Defenders: Oprah, Lance Armstrong, Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney.

kelvingreen said...

Only if Cheney gets to Hulk Out.

Dan Jacobson said...

Read 'em and weep (profusely)...

Cap, Thor, Iron Man--we've been over this.

Glamor and Illusion--they're like Vision and the Scarlet witch, except she's not nuts and he's not a robot.

Madrox, the Multiple Man--they'll never be outnumbered by thugs that way.

Razorback--someone has to be the guy who drives them around, and what better means of conveyance than the Big Pig? Also, he'll provide a welcome dose of non-cityfiedness and say things like, "I'm the gawldurned Razorback!"

White Tiger--spicy!

Longshot--woefully underutilized in the X-Men, and also jumps around a lot and throws things. Plus, artists relying too heavily on photo reference would mess up and draw him with five fingers, sending the fanpersons into a fit, amusing everyone.

Lockjaw--they need a dog (I know, I know, he's not really a dog, etc.), so it might as well have a mustache and be able to teleport.

Have I overthought this?

Al said...

Wow, talk about an invitation to waste my morning.

I can't believe no one put Tigra on their list. She was a cat-chick! In a bikini! For God's sake, people, get your priorities straight.

I also agree that Cap has to be on any serious Avengers team.

And I'd include Captain Marvel, but I'd pick the Black version because that fills the "awesome raw power" quota. Also I would go back to the Official 70's Method For Naming Black People and make her change her name to Black Marvel.

My other members:
- Namor, because no one pays attention to that dude. He needs a revival.
- Moon Knight because he's way rad.
- Luke Cage because he's also way rad. But he has to change his name to Black Cage.

And Rick Jones. Obviously.

In a perfect world, we'd all be allowed to create our own real-life Avengers teams and make them fight to the death. My God that would be sweet.

dave o said...

Black Marvel I love it!

Then we can add the Black Falcon to the team too.

Anonymous said...

Captain America
Thor
Iron Man
Beast
Hawkeye
Wonderman
Scarlet Witch
The Vision

Pretty much the classic Byrne lineup. Now line them up against Ultron or Kang.

Chris Arndt said...

Of course he was Ant-Man rather than Giant-Man.

As Giant Man he was the always second, third, or fourth strongest member of the team (usually the third and sometimes the second, and very briefly the first). He is the largest target in any given fight but he lacks half the durability or invulnerability of Thor or Iron Man. and he's more embarrassed to get smacked down as Giant Man. So as a strong man character he was generally redundent and not quite fight-proof.

As Shrink Man he is Shrink Man and every friggin super-team needs a Shrink Man that understands physics and biology and alternate universes and doesn't spend most of her time preening and flirting with teammates who would rather sleep with goddesses.

Skipper Pickle said...

Is that Gary Busey with the helmet or Gary Busey with the winged cowl?

And Stephen Hawking already has a commitment on the Real Doom Patrol.

kelvingreen said...

Cage has already been "Blacked", in Marvel Team-Up #14. Invincible decided his name, based on Spider-Man, had to be Black-Man.

But I do prefer "Black Cage".

Rogers said...

about goddam time somebody recognized the cultural importance of MaryLou Retton

Harvey Jerkwater said...

Here's an old (by internet standards) "fantasy Avengers lineup" by the mighty Cheeks the Toy Wonder that's well worth the readin'. Especially part two, when he starts gettin' weird.

tenzil said...

"And Stephen Hawking already has a commitment on the Real Doom Patrol."

You win the thread.

The Real Doom Patrol:

Stephen Hawking
Michael Jackson
Dennis Rodman
Alan Moore
Deep Blue

all bankrolled by Donald Trump

Anonymous said...

Al speaks with wisdom, but Tigra's in the NYPD last we saw her.

... which, might actually be kind of fun. New York's "SWAT" style stuff is handled by the Emergency Services Unit, which also does rescues and talks jumpers off buildings, so there's a lot of story potential there.

-- John Nowak

Anthony W said...

Man, I bet the Black Panther is soooo tired of "posing in the background" for the fanboys....

Martin Wisse said...

Right, ultimte Avengers lineup, Martin stylee!

Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau, natch) as leader. She's smart, powerful, unlikely to throw idiotic hissy fits and not afraid to stand up to musclebound idiots or Gercules, but I repeat myself.

Vision/Scarlet Witch: the soul of the Avengers, back together and with children! Bloody Byrne.

Yellowjacket: because he's cool and he's been horribly misused ever since Shooter made him hit Janet (only once, in a crisis and he more than made up for it since but every crap writer afterwards returns to it for "depth"; even busiek didn't do too well there.)

Spider-Woman: each Avengers team needs somebody from out of left field and I've always liked her

Captain America: you gotta have Cap, not necessarily as leader, but as "elder statesman": he's the heart of the team.

Ms Marvel: for the same reasons as Dave

Jocasta: always the bridesmaid, never the bride: could do well.

Various other classic Avengers can slot in an out as needed: Thor, Wonderman, Beast, Iron Man, Wasp et all.

Martin Wisse said...

Oh and Quasar should be there whenever a space mission is needed, Tigra can hang around the Avengers Mansion and hit on Tony Stark again and Spider-Man will never, ever be an Avenger again, as it just doesn't work!

Anonymous said...

Real Doom Patrol! So awesome!

What you need for a good Avengers mix is a bunch of people who all talk about different things in different accents. Because that's what team books are all about: the talking. So Thor is in, not just because he's cool, but because he talks funny. And The Vision is in too, due to speaking in little yellow boxes. Cap always gives pep talks and says "mister" to people and stuff, so he's in. The Beast makes jokes. In. Hawkeye was a carny, and everything he says ends in an apostrophe. SO IN! Hank and Jan are constantly saying "Hank" and "Jan" every third freakin' word, which nobody else says, so they're in too. (But Giant-Man is a dumb name, it just is.) Iron Man can check the time and stuff from inside his armor, sometimes he has "sensors" and he's always babbling on about "repulsors"...well, I guess it all saves time, and it's technobabble, and anyway he owns the damn mansion, so he's in. Yes, the mansion...it has to be in that mansion, I don't like it when they're all just staying at a Ramada or something, that's stupid. You don't need to get rid of the mansion, Avengers writers! The mansion is not hurting anything!

...You know, it occurs to me that Iron Man could be a lot better of a character if someone just gave him a personality to show off once in a while. You know, other than "recovering alcoholic"? Just a thought...maybe he could really like sushi or something...almost anything would help...

Wanda and Pietro are always complaining about something or other, so they're in, why not? And so there you have all your power-balance stuff anyway, just by following the accents. You don't need Captain Photon or the pretty much used-up by now Wonder Man...much as I like that character, he's been ruined. No Quasar, his powers bug me. Maybe one more accent?

Batroc!

No. Umm...

Dean Hacker said...

To me, you have to start with what makes the Avengers different than any other super team. The X-Men is about a school. The JLA is about a humanitarian relief organization. Grant Morrison once compared the Avengers to a football team and think that is apt. They train together. They are paid to work together. In other words, they are professionals.

Their objective is to rapidly respond to and neutralize super-human threats. Therefore, they need to be a small strike team that can do most military functions (i.e. recon, air strike, ranged attacks, infantry). That means a total membership of, say, 5-7.

That said, my team is as follows:
1. Captain America - the perfect field leader type.
2. Wasp - Can shrink and fly ahead of the team to do the recon.
3. Hawkeye - Can deliver a ranged attack ahead of the main assault.
4. Iron Man - Armor, duh.
5. Thor - Air power
6. Scarlet Witch - Can cover a retreat with her unpredictable powers.

Anonymous said...

You see? Accents!




"Foagr". A Roy Thomas villain if I ever heard of one.

Anonymous said...

Real Life Defenders (not as funny as Real Life Doom Patrol):

Joseph Campbell
Andre The Giant
Richard Gere
Jacques Cousteau
Sarah Silverman
Steve Martin

And...

Batroc Ze Lepair!

No. Wait...he's not a real guy, I forget...


Jimmy Stewart, then. Well, same difference, really. Or L'il Kim.

I like this game.

Real Avengers!

The basics:

Gary Cooper
Hulk Hogan
Ronald Colman
Audrey Hepburn
William Shatner

The Also-Rans:

Troy Hurtubise (famous on the web!)
Pablo Picasso
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Leonard Nimoy
Queen Victoria
Charles M. Schulz
Christina Aguilera
Robin Williams
Homer
Carson Daly


Now you match them up with their Avenger counterparts and why, Dave fans! Oooh, somebody do Real Life X-Men! Or Outsiders! Or JLA! Or anything!

Nothing will ever beat that Real Life Doom Patrol, though.

Dave...what a blog this is...


"spypxuxg", which is what I know you all think of me, damn you. See you in hell, bloggers! AAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH! So long.

David Campbell said...

Ahh, what a fine comment thread this is. Chris Arndt, your argument about Giant-Man is compelling. I appreciate how so many people are willing to stick up for the Black Knight, Rage, and Stephen Hawkings.

In the spirit of things, if I was staffing a Real X-Men team, it would consist of:

-Stephen Hawking (so he could say in his robot voice, "To me, my X-Men.")

-Kevin Nash, aka "Big Sexy."

-Young Julie Newmar (in black leather)

-Robin Williams (as The Beast)

-Siegfried (of Siegfried & Roy) plus several man-eating tigers

-TV psychic Miss Cleo (every team needs a telepath)

-That bald guy who does security for Jerry Springer

-Steven Seagal (because he is a HUMAN WEAPON)

-Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez (as a reformed Magneto-type)

OK, now that my daughter's birthday party is over and done with, I can resume blogging again

corbiscide said...

Australian Avengers (modern day)
Steve Waugh
James Hird
Andrew Bougut
Will Anderson
Danny Green
Noel Pearson
Russel Crowe
Rachel Grifiths
and Graeme Thorpe

Anonymous said...

Mine would be:

Cap, Thor, Iron Man: I Can't add any other reason that hasn't been mentioned before

Spider-Man: I was against him joining the team at first, but after seeing him grow as a charater, I'm starting to like the Idea of Spidey on the Avengers. I'd keep him on the team.

She-Hulk: I Like Green

Taskmaster: he could easily be hired by Tony to the be "Samurai Warrior". Plus he's not Ronin.

Blink: the Alternate Reality, Teleporting Mutant from the X-Men/Exiles. Why? Becuase it's my team! that and I think the Avengers would made good use of her Teleporting skills~

Dan Coyle said...

I suppose it's time I got around to this:

Iron Man- the linchpin of the team. The glue that holds it together, whether he wants to or not. In the ashes of Bendis run on NA (which I'm liking, actually) he forms a new team under a tentative UN charter.

Black Panther- There because he's a king who's also a superhero, and there are few things cooler than that. Though he's had his issues with the Avengers, he believes in their mission when you get right down to it. he's part of the UN thing.

Spider-Man: Because he's Spider-Man, and despite his protestations to the contrary, he works well with others. He's the heavy hitter AND the Blue Beetle of the group.

Black Widow- what's the best place to hide? Out in the open, sometimes. After the chaos from the recent miniseries, Natasha rejoins the team as their ruthless Wolverine type figure- and the truth is, they're the only real family she has.

Luke Cage- because he's actually a pretty decent addition to the team, in addition to being a kickass dude.

Pulsar- Monica Rambeau, cutting ties with NextWave, rejoins the team as resident flying powerhouse.

Deadpool: The merc with a mouth winds up a captive of the U.S. government and forced on the team. Good? Bad? Nobody's sure, but things get a hell of a lot less boring when he's around. Plus, I'm the world's biggest Deadpool fan.

Reserve members: Captain America, intitially hesitant about the new team but returning eventually. Tigra, because she's a cop now and could add good investigative skills to the team, in addition to being a fun character.

UN Guy: Pete Wisdom, because I can't think of anything funnier than a Warren Ellis Mary Sue and Captain America on the same team.

Bagheera said...

Harras/Epting/Palmer's Black Knight and Priest's Black Panther have to tie for THE coolest Avenger. Period.

No others can compare to their coolosity.

kelvingreen said...

My gosh, the comments thread here is getting too big to load properly even on broadband!

Good call on Pete Wisdom as UN liason. That's just as cool as having John Constantine joining the JLA opposite Batman.

And bad call on Robin Williams as the Beast. He's too hairy.

BerwynIrish said...

Very entertaining blog you've got here. I think I might be too late to the Avengers party, but here's my real life Avengers roster:

John McCain - tactical leader

Gena Davis - smarts and appearantly an accomplished archer

The Amazing Randi - he'd make short work of all the supernatural threats

Bruce Dickinson - fencing skills and all around coolness. Lemmy in reserve in case Bruce is otherwise occupied.

Hulk Hogan - 'cuz he's the Hulkster

Jacques Cousteau (pre-1997) - Inventor, activist, access to 3/4 of the Earth's surface

Beau Smith - to school all the newbies in the manly art of superheroics

Al Gore - government liaison

Some billionaire guy whose name I don't know - He had a short-lived reality show and seems pretty easy-going and fun-loving. I think he'd be willing to fund Earth's Mightiest Heroes, as well as constantly insisiting on taking part in missions and screwing things up.

Patrick said...

BerwynIrish said...
Very entertaining blog you've got here. I think I might be too late to the Avengers party, but here's my real life Avengers roster:

John McCain - tactical leader
Totally. I've been saying for a while now that John McCain is probably the closest real-world approximation to Captain America out there. Rock on.

Totally late to the party, but...

Captain America
Iron Man
Wasp
Scarlet Witch
Vision
Hawkeye
Quicksilver

Plus Jarvis, of course. Jarvis is essential. And it's always a good idea to have one new, awkward or novice character to serve as a POV... someone like Justice in Busiek's run or Spider-Man in the current cast. And the team should never really be stable for more than a year, or it just wouldn't be the Avengers.

I know pretty much everyone always puts Thor on their lineup, but I like Thor much more as an occasional guest star who would pop in periodically to smack somebody with a hammer and leave just as quickly.

Kalvin said...

Jocasta.

Cap.

Panther.

Iron Man.

Wanda.

Beast/Tigra/Hellcat

Living Lightning

Nuff said.

Alex said...

Here is my Avengers lineup...

Tigra-Sexy as hell, baby, and my favorite for that reason and more. Too many reasons to list here, really.

She-Hulk-Like TIgra, sexy as hell, and she can punch better than Ivan Drago.

Iron Man-Gold and red awesomeness. He has a pretty neat voice through that armor, too.

Scarlet Witch-Sexy like She-Hulk and Tigra, and her red clothes and magic powers move me like crazy.

Captain America-Now, now, you didn't think I was gonna exclude the star spangler, didja? He's way cool, with or without the shield!

Hawkeye-Bring him back to life already. Unless it's already been done. This archer rocks like a huge avalanche off a mountain! Even if his powers are just his bow and arrows.

Wasp-While not NEARLY as sexy as the likes of Tigra, She-Hulk and Scarlet Witch, she's still not bad looking and pretty cool, though I'll never fully understand how she managed to take down Titania and Absorbing Man with only Ant Man's help.

Wonder Man-What a bulldozer! I've even got some of this guy's own series comics, he rocks so much. I'd like to see him kick some ass.

Photon-Awesome lady, that Monica. Great power and looks, and is so a badass. Nuff said on that, beeotch!

Thor-Bring him back, willya? He is a terrific god and I wouldn't mind seeing his hammer and lightning fly in the midst of battle for a lot of my lineup's time.

Ms. Marvel-My lineup begins and ends with ladies. I refuse to have her excluded from the Avengers, lets give this powerful blondie as clean as shot as she deserves!

Okay, you've seen my ideal lineup of Avengers, now allow me to show you guys some who I would NOT like in my lineup.

Spider-Man-He rocks...as long as he is doing his own thing. He was NEVER supposed to be a fucking Avenger.

Beast-He, too, rocks...as long as he is with the X-Men. Need I say more?

Rage-This guy sucks worse than an Oreck vaccuum cleaner. He looks like a buffoon, and he's incompetent and a very poor hero.

Triathalon-Even worse, as he is...I can't describe my contempt for this Quicksilver wannabe in words.

Dr. Druid-Dr Strange was disgraced by this guy, for his lameness and a knack he had for just taking up space and usually only winning by trickery, and cheap, at that.

Okay, I've put my picks down, let's see it happen, people!

Mister Sinister said...

The Scourge of the Underworld, Baron Zemo & Chuck Norris, Radioactive Man, The Beast, Warbird, Karkas (for his amazing tard-strength) & being funded by Namor.

Alex said...

Oh, and btw, if I were 2 make a females only Avengers team(fyi, for femme fatalism and sexiness alike, lol)I would have this lineup of ten...

Tigra(like you didn't see THAT coming, I'd have her back to her original character as opposed to how she was trashed in the 80's-90's era, i.e. smart and awesome and hard nosed)

Ms Marvel(ya, she'd be the leader, like in MA, and if she wasn't kicking ass and giving orders, she would be drinking away and making comments about how she can drink more than Iron Man ROFL)

She-Hulk(both as a backup & frontal attacker,and would be the one to take on the REALLY big boys plus the one to make wise cracks and be the voice of the team)

Photon(second in command and would be consistently mocking her foes and cutely teasing her friends while frying evil with heat in fly and on ground)

Wasp(Fun and cool, and she can be the one to fly through tight spaces and do sneak attacks)

Scarlet Witch(Will constantly do the impossible and help with the most dire situations and be a cool ass bitch)

Sersi(will use her magic along with Scarlet Witch and be very good at providing stunnings on foes)

Anyhow, that's my femme fatale team of Avengers, whaddya think?

let's kick byrne in the nards said...

I always hated what Byrne did to the Scarlet Witch. (Sometimes I like to call her the Red--or possibly Crimson--Wiccan.) It's hard for me to imagine fucking over a character any worse than he did to her. Something like 20 years of character development right down the toilet--he might as well have just put her in the refrigerator while he was at it. Although at least Byrne was consistent--he royally fucked the Vision over too.

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