Tuesday, December 13, 2005

AVENGERS UNPLUGGED #3 Marvel Comics, 1996



Why postpone joy?

I was going to wait to review Avengers Unplugged #3 because we just wrapped up Earth’s Mightiest Guest Stars Week and I figured that we have all had our fill of The Avengers for a while. But I can’t wait – I have to share the love. Plus, it’s Internet lurker extraordinaire Dan Coyle’s birthday, and I promised him a special custom “The Pain” banner, so here we go. This one’s for Dan. This one’s for the children.

People often ask me, “Dave, how do you get your abs so rock-hard?” And then they ask me, “Dave, why do you have so many awful comic books?”

My answers are a) a high-protein diet and lots of crunches, and b) because I have a sickness and the only cure for it is bad comics. And more cowbell. If bad comics are like medicine for my illness, then this comic is like a hypodermic needle full of adrenaline plunging into my heart, Uma Thurman-style.

Avengers Unplugged #3 is both glorious and awful, hellish and sublime. This 99-cent comic feels cheap and soulless, yet it is somehow brilliant in its suckiness. It stinks of sulfur and lies and dead kittens – it’s that bad.

Just looking at the Boob War cover (above) you know you’re in trouble. Two swaybacked, wasp-waisted heroines looking all tough and shit? Sign me up! And look at the guns on The Black Widow – she is freakishly ripped. Looks like they don’t test for steroids in The Avengers. Plus, are their asses nestled together? It looks like Crystal has one cheek parked right in Black Widow’s butt. I can’t decide if that’s sexy or not – and if I can’t decide, that means it probably isn’t.

The plot is as scanty as the outfits our heroines wear: Avengers Crystal and Black Widow hit the town for a “Ladies Nite” at Bimboyz, a male strip club/pizza parlor, but their fun is interrupted by a rampaging, shape-shifting Adaptoid. It’s even worse than it sounds.

And wouldn’t you know it? It’s Superhero Night at Bimboyz! A dancer dressed as Quicksilver offers Crystal a lap dance. Tee hee!

The weird thing is that Quicksilver is Crystal’s husband. If you were going to go to a place like Bimboyz, would you want a lap dance from a guy dressed up like your husband Ted? I mean, that would be weird, having some guy gyrating in front of you in Ted’s golf clothes. I say thee nay.

The Adaptoid throws a car through Bimboyz, miraculously missing everyone inside the presumably crowded club. The heroines attack, dressed in strange outfits that I have recently mocked here. Let’s take a look at the action. Please ignore the image in the upper left hand corner, with the SKOOOSH sound effect. It’s better left unexplained:


I like how The Adaptoid calls Crystal and The Widow “grrrls.”

Notice in the panel above how The Black Widow is flipping up into the air, showing more thigh than Sailor Moon. Below we have the very next panel in the comic, in which The Black Widow lands on a piece of debris, which she uses as a fulcrum to… to…

Just take a look:



She can flip cars into the air: such is the incredible acrobatic skill of The Black Widow. Do you know how long it takes to learn how to do that? Very few Olympic gymnasts ever reach that level of car flipping mastery. Either that, or The Black Widow has mysteriously acquired the ability to create Reverse Bubble Gum Rainbows which can propel cars into the air. But do you know how long it takes to learn to do that? A long time.

The Adaptoid counter-attacks, “causing a rippling shockwave with his fists” that scatter our heroines (below):

It looks like The Widow’s right leg is being devoured by that word balloon. Speaking of balloons, that’s a pretty perky panel. Did the Widow have some work done? Because her breasts didn’t look like that at the MTV Movie Awards earlier that year.

Eventually, thanks to Crystal’s ambiguous matter-transforming powers, The Avengers suit up in their costumes, and we are treated to this strange panel:


“You go, girl!”

I will just let that sit there without comment like a fish dying on a dock.

One of the things that bugs me about this comic is the strange coloring. From the pink Reverse Bubble Gum Rainbow to the panel above, this book is full of strange, unmotivated coloring. Like, in the panel above, where is the light around Crystal’s groinal region coming from? Perhaps from her glowing hand, but her hand is on fire and the groinal light is cold. You see what I mean? Where is the frickin’ light coming from? And what’s with Crystal’s gaunt, skeletal throat? That’s just creepy. It’s like she has Mary Jane’s body and Aunt May’s neck.

You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned who actually wrote and drew this book. I don’t want to be a dick, because those involved have done work that I like. What does seem obvious is that at the end of the book they either switch pencillers or somebody developed carpal tunnel or something, because the quality goes from bad to Holy Mother of God.

Check out this panel, where The Adaptoid battle our heroines out in front of a McDonald’s surrogate:


There are so many messed up things about that panel that I don’t even know where to begin. The fucked up lettering on the sign? The completely screwy perspective? The strange unmotivated lines in the background? The weird little pointy ballerina feet the Adaptoid has? Or just the dialogue? “You will find, wench, that your meager gyrations will be no match for me!” Yet another great pick-up line from the world of comics.

Of course, The Adaptoid is tricked into shocking himself on the incredibly high-voltage McDonald’s sign, writhing while Crystal makes lame jokes:

The Adaptoid does have sort of a nice ass, I’ll give him that.

Avengers Unplugged #3 is a bad comic for a number of reasons: the rushed, sloppy quality of the art, the hackneyed plot, the groan-inducing dialogue, and the utter and wonderful artlessness of it all. On one level it’s a hilarious glimpse into what guys think women do and what they wear when they go out on the town. It’s only missing a collage where the heroines try on different sexy outfits – if it had that it would be complete.


There you have it – a comic so bad that it deserves back-to-back posts, so awful that it deserves both our scorn and our praise. A comic that deserves the coveted Special Dan Coyle Edition The Pain Award:


74 comments:

gorjus said...

Oh, my. This is why Normal Humans think comics aren't just for kids, but, you know, dumb kids.

You know, at least fifty years ago, you could depend on a Golden Ager to draw breasts right. I mean, they were really into that, you know? With, like, ropes wrapped around them. These guys don't even draw basic anatomy right.

HM said...

I gotta say, I had the same thought about the Adaptoid's ass before I read the comment that followed that pic.

Jedimoto said...

That is some freakishly ugly art and some Freakishly unlclever writing in that comic.
Wow.
It's a wonder how that kinda shit even makes it to the stands. Who ok'd the making of that abomination?

Spencer Carnage said...

Dan Coyle needs to man up and get himself a blog already. That's all I'm saying.

David Cutler said...

I literally sat here for thirty seconds going "Holy f#ck... holy f*ck... holy f%ck! Who thought this was a good idea" after that quicksilver panel. Dude's bulkier than Superman! What The Fudge???

Kurt Onstad said...

David-Man: Don't forget that "Quicksilver" is actually a male stripper in the costume, not the actual Avenger. That actually makes his physique make a little more sense.

Black Widow flipping cars, on the other hand, makes about as much sense as Liefeld still having a career...

Oblig word verification joke: uckgqund, which was the noise I made when I realized I was staring at Adaptoid's ass.

kelvingreen said...

No really, you've done this one before. Or someone very much like you has. Right down to the ridiculing of the strangely-lettered MuckDonald's sign.

Are you testing us, sensei?

Anonymous said...

kurt writes: "That actually makes his physique make a little more sense."

A physique like that never makes sense.

That's not a human, it's a lump of gristle grown in a vat.

Why, oh why, are there so many hack artists who insist on drawing men that way, and whose models for female characters are porn stars with really bad and oversized implants?

Am I the only person who thinks superheros built anything remotely like that are more likely to be awkward and lack flexibility?

Am I the only person who thinks it's better when heros are drawn with good physiques, but not freakishly muscular and/or with negative body fat?

If the character is supposed to be stupendously strong, that's one thing. But it kinda diminishes when Wolverine has the same muscle development as Colossus.

kelvingreen said...

That's what bothered me a lot about the 90's/early 00's, especially at Marvel. You had people drawing Cyclops so he looked like bloody He-Man. Thank the heavens for Quitely.

Ditto Spider-Man. He was built like a brick shithouse for the longest time, until JRJR fixed him.

David said...

Amen to that!

The people I've met with really big, bulging muscles are really slow. The people who are really fast have swimmer-type muscles (lean & stringy, but low body fat). I agree that The Hulk, Colossus, Spider-Man, and Wolverine should all have dramatically different body types, and it hurts the characters when they don't.

(as for heroines, I think their super-power is fitting into those suits...)

Anonymous said...

What I can't figure out is why Adaptoid talks Grimlock-stupid in two panels and then he's blathering on like friggin' Dr. Doom at the end.

They should have just ditched the Crystal/Black Widow story and just done "Flowers for Adaptoid."

What, it would suck more than what we GOT?

Chris Sims said...

I'm still pretty freaked out from Black Widow's utterly lopsided face on the cover. Yeesh.

Kyv Boo!

Derek B. Haas said...

Flowers for Adaptoid. I laughed far too hard at that.

corbiscide said...

Yes and I'm sure the MAN who signed off on this piece of tripe was the same bloke who thought that Pamela Anderson was the perfect person to base a super-hero on. Thank you very not for Striperella.

xemub - what you get when you cross a zebra with an emu

Thorpe said...

And who can forget all the times artists drew guys like The Punisher with freakishly huge muscled torsos and shoulders and bulgy arms and then the head would be just slightly smaller in proportion but still look incredibly freakish.

Chris said...

Yes, Dan Coyle. Thou shouldst blog.Don't make the blogosphere get all Super-Adaptoid on your ass and make us collectively shove you into the Comics Blog-O-Tron 3000.

We will, you know.

This comic makes All-Star Batman and Robin look like the Declaration of Independence.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure I bought it.

JR said...

So was this drawn by Deodato or the Deodato studios? The art style looks like the former in places but there was a period where he had like a group of guys doing stuff under his "studio" name. How many guys did he have working for him, again?

And just how does one pose with your butt sticking out like that on every page anyways?

Mike P said...

Many people were tricked into buying this comic from the newsstands because it was a flip-book with an issue of "Untold Tales of Spider-Man". It was the issue where Spider-Man and Human Torch teamed up to fight the Wizard before he put on that stupid purple hat.

gwalla said...

This...this is almost everything that sucked about '90s comics. Good gods.

We all complain about Liefeld, but this just highlights the fact that around that time there were dozens of these guys crapping out stuff just as bad as if not worse than his work.

SW said...

For some reason, I avoided this title like the plague. It was probably one of the only solid comic book decisions that I made in the 90's. What was it about this book that made it 'Unplugged' anyway?

kelvingreen, are you sure your cosmic awareness isn't acting up again?

ldciiy: the chronic condition suffered when your posterior sticks out no matter what stance you take in combat.

NiolK said...

This comic is a f**king masterpiece you troglodytes! It revolutionised the industry and was largely the influence for my smash hit internet comic "Beat my ass you busty super bitches".

EXPLAIN THE SPLOONK!! or sploork or whatever it was I MUST KNOW!

gorjus said...

"This comic makes All-Star Batman and Robin look like the Declaration of Independence" is, quite possibly, the most fantastic thing ever written.

Who ever thought that we would be talking about how lousy a writer Frank "the Tank" Miller was?

"Tgarowx!"--what Hank Pym said on his third date with Tigra.

Scott said...

"What was it about this book that made it 'Unplugged' anyway?"

The various Unplugged series were printed on cheap paper (newsprint) with a cheaper cover price (99 cents). This was the time when MTV was doing its "Unplugged" shows, so I guess Marvel thought that it was a cool name and stole it. Thus cheap comics (on many levels) = acoustic guitars.

BerwynIrish said...

"It’s only missing a collage where the heroines try on different sexy outfits"

Paging Mr. Claremont.

jdonelson.nyc said...

I'm transfixed by the Quicksilver stripper. He has a refrigerator in his back, a leg growing out of his left shoulder, and a head that's smaller than his package.

Yet another classic post, Dave. Good job.

Dara Naraghi said...

Wait, you're saying M.C. Wyman went on to do artwork in other titles that you liked? 'Cause if not, I think it's only fair to mock his absolutely piss-poor artwork here.

kelvingreen said...

My cosmic awareness may be on the fritz, but someone has trashed this issue on a comics blog, and since Dave is older than I, it's far more likely that the senile dementia has set in on him than on myself. Either that, or he's on holiday and is recycling posts and hoping we don't notice.

See, because I read the blog-trashing, and went and picked up a very cheap (10c or something) copy of this just to see if it was as bad as the blog-trashing said it was (it is). So I must have read about it somewhere.

WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER?!?

Augie De Blieck Jr. said...

More art from the same artist. The page leading into this one calls him (her?) "underrated."

http://tinyurl.com/8eyxm

It's not great art by any stretch, but it's still a step or two better than this book. Inker? Deadlines? Paper quality? I don't know.

David Cutler said...

Kurt Onstad: Yeah, I know he's a stripper version, but good god--he's heftier than Super Adaptoid, and judging by the smoothness of little Quicksilver, a likely candidate for Human Growth Hormone.

Scarlett Drake said...

'Unplugged' is referring to the act of the cover ladies removing themselves out of each other's butts.

Bully said...

"It’s only missing a collage where the heroines try on different sexy outfits"

Oh, thank you so very much for reminding me of NAMOR Annual #2 from around the same era that featured a backup story of Spitfire (and just who was demanding her return besides Roy Thomas, anyway? I'm an INVADERS fan tried and true and even I was happy to see WWII heroes quietly die off and retire. Not in that order.)

Eleven pages of Spitfire the WWII speedster starting her modeling career in the 1990s (think about that and scream silently, and then I'll tell you that she had recently been de-aged to her early 20s in NAMOR, but it's still frightening). Eleven pages of droolingly-detailed shots of Spitfire...a woman who had spent the last forty years as a retired English estate owner and countrywoman...posing in bras and thongs for a photographer.

Then he suggests she get nekkid for him to photograph, and she beats him up at superspeed. End of story.

philip said...

My band, Reverse Bubble Gum Rainbows, is playing at the Showbox on Saturday.

Ah, if only . . .

Dan Coyle said...

Bully: I bet that story was written by a) Glenn Herdling, b) Terry Kavanagh, c) Ron Marz, or d) SOMEONE at Marvel editorial.

Spitfire is aging back to her original age or something, if The New Invaders (good idea, shit execution) is any indication. But the artist never tried to depict this visually.

Cassino said...

Eleven pages of Spitfire the WWII speedster starting her modeling career in the 1990s (think about that and scream silently, and then I'll tell you that she had recently been de-aged to her early 20s in NAMOR, but it's still frightening). Eleven pages of droolingly-detailed shots of Spitfire...a woman who had spent the last forty years as a retired English estate owner and countrywoman...posing in bras and thongs for a photographer.

Then he suggests she get nekkid for him to photograph, and she beats him up at superspeed. End of story.


See, but the photographer wanted her to beat him up, so that he would take photos of the whole thing and could sue her but she moved so fast that he couldn't see anything on the photos. See? Heh? The twist at the end?

Yeah, it was crap. sigh.

Cassino said...

Bully: I bet that story was written by a) Glenn Herdling, b) Terry Kavanagh, c) Ron Marz, or d) SOMEONE at Marvel editorial.

And the correct answer is "c." Coyle Wins... Perfect Victory.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one that's attracted to Dan Coyle?

Edward Liu said...

"Am I the only one that's attracted to Dan Coyle?"

Maybe so, maybe no, but it seems that Dave is the only one amongst the lot of us who remembered to give him anything for his birthday. So belated Happy Birthday, Dan.

Word verification is "hgioqx" -- I believe that's the sound a Super Skrull makes when he's barfing.

Nik said...

Sweet mother of god. This comic transcends the space-time continuum.

Anonymous said...

Was Avengers Uplugged always this retarded? I bet it got cancelled quick.

kelvingreen said...

Yes it was and, sadly, no it didn't.

Thorpe said...

But you know what gets me? After all of the bad art and screwed up fight physics and creepily bulked up male strippers...someone actually wrote the line "MY PRECIOUS CIRCUITS" apparently not as a joke or in an ironic fashion.

Anonymous said...

sw wrote : "What was it about this book that made it 'Unplugged' anyway?"

I think it had something to do with metamucil.

Dan Coyle said...

Cassino: Man, Marz really knows the female perspective, huh?

Anon: Why thank you. I think.

Ed: I sent Dave those pictures a while ago to use for a Very Special The Pain; I just thought it was funny for him to use them on my B-Day. Thanks for wishing me one, though.

Kevin Church said...

For my birthday, Dave Campbell gave me a black eye and a baby boy with his features in five more months.

I hate you, Dave Campbell.

David Campbell said...

Don't forget the Scooby Doo DVD box set you got with your black eye, you ungrateful whore.

Bully said...

See, but the photographer wanted her to beat him up, so that he would take photos of the whole thing and could sue her but she moved so fast that he couldn't see anything on the photos. See? Heh? The twist at the end?

Ohmanohmanohman you're right. I'd forgotten that part of it.

Curse you for making me remember. Curse you!

Mike Loughlin said...

I can't believe Kurt Busiek failed to reference this story in Avengers Forever.

Dweeze said...

WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER?!?

Mindwipe by Zatanna. Duh.

Tim Easy said...

wow Dave, I never saw such a buff Quicksilver before, I almost had to hide my eyes!
This calls for an Ice T moment: "Evil's got the funky beat, a super dope loop!"

Macavity said...

I'm wondering if there is a formal "quotation" procedure for you, Dave. I seriously think your command of simile and metaphor and all the rest of that is amazing! I plan on using, "leave that comment like a fish..." on a semi-regular basis. How should I reference you? (I've also fondly expounded on "A breath of freash air after an afternoon spent dumpster-diving behind a Thai restaurant...." You seriously should start wrting... I don't know... something that requires amazing, sarcastic, descriptions... Maybe a Blog of some sort? I dunno... Just answer the initial question and ignore everything else, I'm too lazy to erase it.

David Campbell said...

You have to ring a tiny bell every time you quote me - it's the rule.

Andy said...

I just can't get over pseudo-Quicksilver's tiny, tiny head. It's so amazingly, hilariously, unreasonable.

Notorious Mjt! said...

"If bad comics are like medicine for my illness, then this comic is like a hypodermic needle full of adrenaline plunging into my heart, Uma Thurman-style." That is the phrase that made my day today. Thanks Dave! You had me at "more cowbell"... Mjt!

seth said...

Woah, that Quicksilver dancer is HUMONGOUS.

the rutland sound said...

"AVENGERS UNPLUGGED"?!?! Unplugged from what, quality?

lazy_cg said...

wow i gotta say quicksilver has been working out!

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