Monday, December 12, 2005

Comic Book Fashion Disaster, Pt 1.

Welcome to Comic Book Fashion Disaster, a new feature here at Dave’s Long Box. We’ll be taking a look at my favorite four-color fashion faux pas – specifically, what heroes and heroines wear when they’re not on duty in spandex. I figured that ridiculing awful hero costumes has already been done by better folks than I, so why not look at what passes for normal clothing in the various super hero universes.

We’ll start with the ladies first time out. One of the hazards of being a female comic book hero is that men draw what you wear. Correction: nerdy men draw what you wear. While some artists consult with their significant others or at least flip open a magazine in an attempt to depict non-ghastly clothing, others clearly do not.

Come, take a look and you’ll see what I mean…


She-Hulk, from Incredible Hulk #316:

From the lace-up sandals to the acrylic accessories, She-Hulk is clearly going for the Florida Retiree look. Some pissed-off 80-year old woman is looking for her quilt right now. Hey She-Hulk, bingo is at 5:30, right after aquarobics.

Hideous.

Wonder Woman, from Wonder Woman #77:


“Hello, dear. You look tired.”

And by “tired” she means “cheap.”

I know she’s an immigrant and all, but somebody ought to take Diana aside and tell her she’s looking a little… what’s the word? Easy? That look might fly on Themyscira, but in the States she’s going to stand out. You know, never mind - during this era of Wonder Woman she was living in Boston; she’ll fit right in. Oh, snap! Take that, Boston!


Looker, from Batman and The Outsiders #27:


If memory serves, this scene is from a subplot that deals with the transformation of Emily, a frigid nerd girl into the saucy heroine Looker. Here, Emily receives a gift from her husband, a pretty dress that their therapist suggested that might help thaw the painfully repressed Emily. By the dialogue we can deduce that the dress is supposed to be kind of sexy, but look at that dress! That outfit is designed for making cookies or herding sheep. Unless her husband has a Little Bo Peep fetish, I can’t see how anyone would find that dress anything but grotesquely chaste and precious.

Crystal and The Black Widow from Avengers Unplugged #3:


I’m going to devote an entire post to mocking the car wreck that is Avengers Unplugged #3, but for now let’s just look at the outfits Crystal and The Black Widow wear on their night out on the town in the story “Ladies Nite.” Why did they spell the word “night” that way? I don’t know. And why are they wearing those outfits? Because a guy drew the comic book.

Mary-Jane Watson Parker from The Amazing Spider-Man #350:


“Don’t ask me to understand suicide,” Mary-Jane says as Peter Parker goes off to fight somebody lame like The Vulture while he has a head cold. It's suicide, man, don't do it!

Don’t ask me to understand your outfit! Did you lose a bet or something? Holy shit, what is she wearing? First of all, that dress makes her hips look big. There, I said it. And what is up with the tights – are those from the Dr. Seuss collection at Sears? She looks like she’s been rummaging through Nancy Sinatra’s trash for hand-me-downs. Yeesh.



Jubilee, from The Official Handbook of The Marvel Universe:


Daaamn!

Here’s Jubilee, the spunky and annoying mutant from The X-Men, wearing a pastiche of late 80’s X-Men uniforms. Let’s see, she has Rogue’s green boots, Cyclops’ yoga unitard, Dazzler’s blue spandex, Longshot’s leather vest, Keith Richards’ track marks on her left arm, The Joker’s mouth, and Colossus’ hair. Top it all off with an Army surplus belt and handbag and you have a look that says, “WTF?” Plus, look at the cut of the blue Dazzler spandex. If she took off her vest she’s be flashing some boob. Kids today – they dress like hookers and thugs!

Okay, that’s it for this installation of Comic Book Fashion Disaster. Next time we’ll take a look at the civilian clothing and hairstyles of some of our favorite heroes. Expect to see Tony Stark’s mullet.

Until then, I leave you with demonic Smilex Jubilee:

I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!

56 comments:

Axel M. Gruner said...

“Don’t ask me to understand suicide,” Mary-Jane says...
Well, she surely understands fashion suicide.
By the way, is She-Hulks blouse supposed to have THAT color? Lightgreen? Isn't that the same as flesh colored for a normal woman?

gorjus said...

NOOOO!! Mine eyes have been burned!

The Jubilee art--what the hell happened with that? Oh, Claremont. You hurt us all.

As for the Byrne Shulkie--I bet that outfit was stitched together from the dreams of children he trampled on.

Nik said...

This series better include Gay Christmas Tree Wonder Man, that's all I'm saying. Actually an entire Wonder Man post would be awesome. Mullet Wonder Man, Safari Wonder Man... endless possibilities.

Nik said...

I just want to note that my last post required me to type in the word "iurgna" for verification that I am not a robot. I had a splitting pain in my iurgna once, but some ointment cleared it up.

hito said...

Crystal and Black Widow look like they're siamese twins.

John Jakala said...

Forget what they're wearing, what the hell happened to Crystal's and The Black Widow's bodies? Good lord, that anatomy is hideous! Grotesque, even! Not to mention it looks like they're literally joined at the hip. [Shudder!]

Can't wait for you to tear apart Avengers Unplugged #3. I hope there are lots of sample images.

DougBot said...

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? That Smilex Dazzler image is now burned into my head--I'm starting to see it like an afterimage of the sun.

Make the hurting stop!

Cassino said...

Now, I'm not saying that MJ's outfit isn't atrocious, but Spidey was going back for a second round against Dr. Doom, which should, by all rights, be suicide. He got the stuffing knocked out of him so hard that the Goddamn Spider-Man grew Wolverine claws and ate Doom's head. It was hardcore.
And for awful civilian outfits, while the X-Men and Avengers were rocking leather jackets in the 90s, the Human Torch had a Members-Only jacket. A beige one.

Dara Naraghi said...

"Gay Christmas Tree Wonder Man"

Ah, good times. Good times.

Alas, I believe Dave is only going for "civilian" clothes. So we'll just have to wait for West Coast Avengers week, Pt. 1 for that little trip down memory lane.

(btw, my word verification was owndpus. I 0wndpus you b3-y0tch3s!)

Cassino said...

Can't wait for you to tear apart Avengers Unplugged #3. I hope there are lots of sample images.

As long as he has the one where the super robot refers to Crystal and the Black Widow as "Grrrls." Years ahead of its time, it was

Amanda said...

aww don't be hatin on Boston. our superheroes dress way better than that... maybe :D

call me jack... said...

Bo Peep is hot...

Rob Schamberger said...

Someone needs to make a video of a real person's lips moving in that Jubilee face. That would be the most scarring, hideous thing ever.

That story where she made that outfit was awful, too. It was from the Atlantis Attacks annual. She found them in the X-Men's Australian basement, and thought it made her kewl.

David C said...

Black Widow and Crystal look like the original plot called for them to be transformed into centaurs, but there was a last minute change, so the artwork had to be hastily altered to make them look vaguely human.

Dweeze said...

Forget the clothes, which I know is saying a lot, but when did Jubilee have her left arm shortened?

Dan Coyle said...

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of who drew that Jubilee illo. Probably someone I thought was really goofy at the time (1989).

You know if you were a female Marvel character, and it was the mid-80s early 90s, you really were screwed. When it came to fashion, anyway. It seemed half the guys Marvel had were guys who flunked out of design school.

Jesus, look at the pelvis swivel on Black Widow and Crystal? Do they have additional points of articulation? Methinks that book's a contender for THE PAIN!!!

David C said...

On another blog, the cover for that Avengers story happened to be posted here:

http://snarkfree.blogspot.com/2005/11/cover-theme-game-for-112.html

Rather amazing that the art inside is even worse than that on the cover.

kelvingreen said...

I’m going to devote an entire post to mocking the car wreck that is Avengers Unplugged #3.
I think you might have done so already. I definitely remember seeing it trashed somewhere online.

Did Perez draw that Wonder Woman issue? Because he put Warbird in an eerily similar outfit in the issue when they chucked her out of the Avengers for being drunk on duty.

And the Wonder Man safari-suit/turtleneck/rocket-belt combo definitely needs to be included. As does some of the eye-bleedingly awful stuff McFarlane stuck MJ in during his tenure.

And the Beyonder. Dear god, the Beyonder had some bad clothes.

Anonymous said...

At first glance, I thought Mary Jane was sporting a shiner, but now I realize it's a curled strand of her hideously huge hair. Big hair Mary Jane makes me sad.

Matthew Craig said...

Big Hair Mary Jane looks almost as...what's that probably hideously offensive term..."thick?" as Jessica Drew did in that Giant-Sized Spider-Woman story.

I showed this to Kirsten Dunst*, TV's Marjane Watson, the other day. Her response was to pull a face not unlike that of Chubby Da Choona, cigar and all, and say "DA FUG?!"

Which I can only surmise to be some sort of affected Bowery enunciation, roughly equivalent to "THE FUCK IS THAT? AW HELL NO."

I made my excuses, and left.

//\Oo/\\
(* - legal disclaimer: no, I didn't)

Kitty said...

"Take that, Boston" ?

Boston will take YOU, my friend!

::waves Massachusetts-shaped brass knucks::

Brad Curran said...

Isn't that Storm's biker jacket? I'm not sure whether I should feel validated if it or isn't. At any rate, this makes her Jim Lee-era costume she was stuck with for so long look better by comparison, just on its soul swallowing qualities alone.

Brad Curran said...

Also, I now have to wonder if reading the Image founders runs on the Spider-Man and X-Men comics scarred my fashion sense for life. Or killed it. I'm not sure I even have one, and I blame McFarlane and Larsen's renderings of Mary Jane for that.

Denis said...

Okay, I actually liked She-Hulks outfits (although I admit - now that you point it out, - that one looked a bit... "granny"-like)...

I always had the impression that John Byrne was one of the rare artists who really tried to dress his characters in fashionable, contemporary clothing. I think his wife in the 80s even was a fashion designer or similar, was she not?

Unrelated to that, can we mention Alan Davis, PLEASE? Undisputedly a fantastic artist, but don't a lot of his characters look like they're wearing clothes and hairstyles directly imported from the 70s?

Dan Coyle said...

The Beyonder- the only guy who thought it was a good idea to try and pick up the Dazzler in an outfit even more hideously outdated than hers.

I think that was Lee Moder who was drawing WW at the time. That was the Loebs run. Which was Mike Deodato's first big book- he took over soon after that.

And Deodato or his studio obviously produced that swivelicious art.

Matt said...

I'm pretty sure that Jubilee art is from Jarrin' Jim Fern. I know he's the one who did the atrocious Jubilee backup story in the crappy Atlantis Attacks annual. (I guess it could also be Masticatin' Mike Vosburg, who did the lead story in the same issue. Two shining lights of that artistic era at Marvel, no doubt.)

James Meeley said...

Actually, Spider-Man was about to go off and battle Doctor Doom in ASM #350 (where you pulled that Mary Jane image from). So, while here outfit was horrid (espeically considering she is (was?) a fashion model, Spidey was not about to battle some small-time loser villain, but one of the most dangerous villains on the face of the planet.

Looks like MJ's concerns were better placed than her fashion sense that day, though.

Kevin Church said...

First, as far as Jubilee's "real world" facial expression, check this out from Aphex Twin.

Second - Campbell, don't let any beef you've got with me bleed into your feelings about Boston. You don't see me calling Washington State "America's Peehole" or anything like that, do you?

duke_v said...

I'm surprised that no one has yet picked up on the clever pun that Larsen has made in MJ's tights. Marijuana leaves guys - Mary-Jane is slang for the Pot. Oh so clever.

gwalla said...

As I recall, that Jubilee outfit really was cobbled together from the costumes of various X-Women of the time. She'd gotten teleported to Australia and holed up underneath the former Reavers base where the X-Men were hiding out. She only had one outfit though so she stole pieces of clothing.

There is no excuse for the face though. Especially the mouth. Jesus.

I wish I could find my copy of "Dogs Playing Poker with Jesus", a mini-comic made by the curator of the Cartoon Art Museum. It contained a story, "Stan Lee Talks About Sex", in which The Beyonder claims to have learned about fashion from watching Journey videos.

Thorpe said...

Also, let's not forget that during the 80's chances were even if they weren't part of the uniform, many a superheroine would wear cuffed boots off duty. And a lot of them were of the "huge freaking cuffs" variety. We've seen them as part of many a male and female hero's wardrobe

Like on this Black Canary cover

http://image.milehighcomics.com/istore/images/fullsize/10860453382.1.GIF

but often, you'd mostly see female characters wear these low boots with the big, at times almost billowy cuffs. Did anyone actually wear these in real life, or was it just in comics and movies during the 80s?

Mike Loughlin said...

All I gotta say is:

Johnny Storm in Daredevil vol. 1 # 251 (or 252 or 253- it's the one with the Human Torch on the cover)

Hilarious attempt at dressing "bad."

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Byrne's contemporary stylings...

Remember that weird lesbian chick who was obsessed with Johnny Storm in his FF? What was up with that? Distinctly recall her being dressed like Boy George, someone tell me was this really a common fashion decision being made by women in the 80's? John Byrne. So HIP. So in touch with what the kids are into.

Actually I think maybe Sharon (her name comes back! Yes!) was supposed to be a bit older than Johnny in those comics? So what we have, I guess, is a woman possibly thirty years of age dressing very ostentatiously like Boy George and stalking a superhero. Very complex character, once you think about it...

Or did I dream this?

roel said...

The nice thing about Boston is that there are so many colleges here that it creates a city full of grad students, educators, and academics. It's a very well-educated city, and that kind of environment has a nice range of benefits.

maggie katzen said...

but often, you'd mostly see female characters wear these low boots with the big, at times almost billowy cuffs. Did anyone actually wear these in real life, or was it just in comics and movies during the 80s?

i think they were real, i can recall trying to fold my socks down just right, pretending they were boots.

Angry Android said...

If Wonder Woman was living in Boston & wanted to look "cheap," she'd weart a Cam Neely Bruins Jersey with her Jordache jeans, have her hair teased up with Aqua Net & hoop earrings bigger than her head. Yeah, I miss those New England hussies...

Phillip said...

OK, look, stop pickin' on my Shulkie! It was the 80's, alright? Lots of folks wore clothes that look pretty awful in retrospect. She-Hulk had only (relatively) recently stopped being Savage and started being Sensational, and she was really starting to enjoy her large, green, sexy body full-time, and...

Maybe I've said too much.

(Byrne may have made a misstep or two, but not with her!)

David C said...

Also, bear in mind that it's really hard for She-Hulk to find anything in her size, let alone anything remotely fashionable....

Anonymous said...

Yeah, starting to enjoy it "full-time"...

Egad.

joncormier said...

My lord, not only does Jubilee have Richard's track marks she's lost her nose to a vicious cocaine addiction.

Dan Coyle said...

Jim Fern? Hmmm, rumor had it that he has been working under the psuedonym "James Bosch".

Of course, the longest Bosch was on a title was Green Lantern, for three issues. During Raab's run.

dave o said...

I would second the criticism of Byrne's fashion sense. A travesty that continues today.

Seems to me I read an interview back in the 80's where Perez talked about his wife looking at the 'civilian' clothes on his female characters:

George, nobody's worn hip-huggers in a decade.

But really, you have to take a hard look at just how good a dresser your wife is, too.

Anonymous said...

I think Jubilee is the most hideous.

gwalla said...

Jubilee? Kid from Kid 'n' Play wants his hair back.

LOLA said...

Dave,
This is ranking high on my favorite columns from you.

Way high.

Because you understand your women.

And we like it that way.

Ang said...

My god!

Some foul fiend has stolen Jubilee's yellow trenchcoat!

Mister Sinister said...

I'm not sure how anyone could have thought Beyonder looked cool. Or human. He stole Wonder Man's old safari coat & bleached it white. w/ bad white pants. He can't use the bathroom & doesn't understand the money system. Oh. And his eyes are glowing red. People would think he is retarded or an alien (the obvious Manhattan Marvel choice)

Jubilee has just literally scared the crap out of me. I need time for my eyes to heal. My verif is crlakwk-
the sound of someone's optic nerves tearing after seing Jubilee

lazy_cg said...

is there going to be a part 2

Unified Communication said...

Love it!

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