Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Superman, Super-Player



When one thinks of superheroes that get laid a lot, Superman does not spring to mind. It's mostly the Marvel guys, frankly. Oh, sure, Green Arrow is a lucky son of a bitch, and Nightwing gets his share of action, but they don't hold a candle to the Marvel guys like Iron Man or Daredevil. Those guys are stone cold players.

But I was thinking about it, and you know, Superman does OK for himself as far as women go. Sure, he married Lois Lane (we've already established here that he is loyal to her to the point of stupidity) but if you're a DC hero there's always those Elseworlds stories and alternate timelines where you can just go nuts. He certainly has no shortage of women who want to "mess with the S" if you know what I mean, and I think you do.



During Eric Luke's run on Wonder Woman, the "Trinity" storyline featured an alternate reality/fantasy story in which Superman and Wonder Woman hook up. That shot at the beginning of this post of the heroes suckin' face in outer space is from Wonder Woman #141, with booty-licious art by Yannick Paquette. Of course, the status quo cannot be changed, so Supes and Wondy return to their normal lives, but Wonder Woman wistfully remembers what might have gone down, and so do we.

In the "real world" of the current Superman books, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Don't get me started on this; it's worth a whole post. Sorry, married superheroes just don't work for me - it's the ultimate "Jumping The Shark" in the comic book world.

Anyway, Clark and Lois enjoy each other's company, sexually speaking. Here's a scene from Superman #159, by Jeph Loeb with art by Ed McGuinness. Lois+Clark+bath tub+chocolate covered cherries+candles+rubber ducky+Marvin Gaye= Happy Lois.



It's okay, kids - they're man and wife. You can go crazy with chocolate-covered strawberries if you're married; it's not a sin. I have no idea how they got chocolate everywhere like that, though. They must have been really excited.

Speaking of conjugal bliss, here's the cover to Adventures of Superman #574, a storyline that deals with the ramifications of the publication of a picture of Superman with a wedding ring on. Speculation runs rampant: Who is Superman married to? Answer: The Neverending Battle. Duh.

Tell that to Crazy Super-Powered Lady, appropriately named Obsession. She's got a thing for Superman, so she dresses up as Mrs. Superman in an attempt to woo him. Mrs Superman? Clearly Obsession is a staunch feminist. I like her outfit, though...



Superman rebuffs her advances, so of course, they fight. His nobility brings her around and they team up to battle a group of mutated monsters. Obsession takes a hit meant for Superman and dies - or does she? Uh, yeah, she dies.

Speaking of Crazy Super-Powered Ladies, let's talk about Maxima. In the tradition of a hundred million stories where a warrior woman wants to mate with a virile hero, Maxima comes to Erf from the planet Almerac looking for a suitable mate. She's hella strong and tough, so who do you think she picks? No, not Plastic Man. Keep up, please.

That's right, Maxima has the hots for Superman. He rebuffs her. They fight. Later Maxima joins the Justice League, because hey, they need more crazy and dangerous people on the team, and then later joins Captain Atom's Extreme Justice, which should have really been called Bipolar Justice.

During the Adventures of Superman Annual #3, Superman finally gets to have sex with Maxima. This issue is a tie-in to the headache inducing Armageddon 2001 crossover and it kind of cheats a little because Superman has sex with Maxima in an alternate possible future in which Lois dies while pregnant with Clark's baby. The super-powered unborn child kicks in the womb, causing massive internal bleeding and Lois's death. Sounds like somebody read Larry Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex essay, which graphically describes just how incompatible Superman is with Earth females.

Here's the cover, with Superman and Maxima dissing Lois by making out on her grave. I mean, sure, move on with your life, Clark, but have some respect!



In the Annual, the stupid time-travelling Waverider pulls a Ghost of Christmas Future on Superman and shows him a possible reality in which he leaves Earth after his wife's death and hooks up with Maxima. His heart still belongs to Lois, and Maxima is kind of psycho, so it takes a while, but eventually they get down to it and have the super sex. Of course, it's only a dream/alternate timeline/Elseworlds story so it doesn't count ...

And then there's a classic John Byrne Action Comics two-parter which features Superman and Big Barda, and a none-too-happy Mr. Miracle. "Superman and... my WIFE?!" In this storyline, the Apokalips villain Sleez captures Big Barda on Earth and mind-controls her. When Superman tries to rescue her, he gets mind-whammied as well.

So, of course, Sleez decides to make a porn movie with Barda and Superman. I am so totally not kidding.



As I think I've demonstrated, Superman is a player.

He may not be in the same league as Tony Stark or Matt Murdock, but he's had his share of boom-chika-boom.



You go, Superman!

39 comments:

Shane Bailey said...

but then you have that story where HE TURNS DOWN WONDERWOMAN during Ragnarok and all those other stories don't seem plausible.

naladahc said...

I never understood why there were so many "Superman + Wonder Woman" stories of the late 80s/early 90s.

I don't care if they are more or less the iconic male and females of DC Comics.

I just don't see them being all that into each other.

Logan said...

Supes/Maxima cover is my favorite of all the Superman covers, ever. It's so cruel, yet so sexy!

Augie De Blieck Jr. said...

You missed the story where Wonder Woman and Superman are trapped together in another dimension for a thousand years. I think Joe Kelly wrote that about five years ago or so. As I recall, it wasn't that bad. . .

I also liked the issue he did around the same time on WONDER WOMAN with Phil Jimenez, where Lois Lane interviews DIana.

Augie De Blieck Jr. said...

Wait, that first story I mentioned is the same as the one Shane is talking about, isn't it? UGH, I have a horrible memory for details.

kelvingreen said...

Nah, he's covered the Supes/Wonder Woman/Ragnarok issue. It's the one he links to at the beginning of the post, actually. :)

"Maxima" looks like Jean Grey to me. She must have been bored with a choice between boring and hairy and zipped over to the DCU for a bit of action, the hussy.

And that last panel "you've earned the name man of steel" creeps me out for some reason.

Kevin Church said...

What's sad is that Lois was thinking of Alfred when she said that.

Konstantinos Stamoulis said...

"the Apokalips villain Sleez"

they don't make comics like they used to...
< sigh >


ps All-Star Superman by Morrison & Quitely is approaching and it will kick so much ass that it will seem scientifically impossible (at first)

Polly said...

the cover to...what is it? Action 600 has a great WW/Supes cover as well. I always liked the idea of her better than lois when i was growing up, partly because of how lois was written in superman's gf: Lois Lane & early Worlds Finest.

Dr. Pants said...

You've left out my new recent favorite: Superman and the new Metropolis SCU cop.

She's all walking around naked in front of him and asking him if wants to bone her. That Greg Rucka is subtle as all hell.

Which, of course, always reminds me of the joke I heard as a kid where Superman is flying around, sexing up all the superhero ladies he sees as super speed so they don't know. Then, spying Wonder Woman writhing naked on the ground, he swoops in, lays some pipe and takes off.

After which the invisible man (I know, I know, not part of the DC universe) is all, "Damn, my ass hurts!"

I'm so glad I'm 14 years old in the head.

Jimmy Olsen said...

What is that poking out of the tub? Wow, I never realized the REAL superpower of a Kryptonian...

Oh, wait, it's his knee. Never mind.

Duncan said...

I think it's Adam Hughes on that WW cover, no?

David Campbell said...

Oui, that is Mssr. Hughes.

I'm generally a fan of Adam Hughes - his recent Catwoman covers are awesome - but check out the shoulders on Wonder Woman on this cover! She is frickin' buff!

Glen Davis said...

Out of all of Superman's girlfriends, I liked the idea of Lori Lemaris best, Man of Steel and Mermaid, what could be better?

Ben said...

What the hell's so super about eating chocolate-covered cherries with a fork?

David Campbell said...

Damn, I forgot about Lori! Perhaps she deserves a post of her own...

DougBot said...

There's a line in the Alan Moore Supreme about how some Supremes have their Judy Jordans, and others have their Diana Danes. Kal-El gets the shaft and usually ends up with neither Lois nor anybody else.

A pity Superman can't live in the Supremacy, I guess.

Dan Coyle said...

I think they did bring back Obsession as Strange Visitor, and killed her off again in "Our Worlds at- oh, who the fuck cares about this one? We killed Aquaman and Guy Gardner and Jeph Loeb pissed all over Roosevelt."

Jay Nickola said...

I hope that's chocolate they're spattered with. Even so, it's still a little puzzling. So they were . . . eating cherries . . . so energetically . . . that chocolate was splashed around the room? Fut the whack?

Mike Loughlin said...

Yes, they brought back Obsession as Strange Visitor, which would be totally forgettable if not for the Bill Sienkiewicz 2-page spread that made the pseudo-manga art on the title look that much goofier.

Shane Bailey said...

That'll teach me to click on links. I didn't even see that he linked to that previous post.

I've always kinda liked the goofy Lois stories in her own title, but since the 80's she's gotten really lame.

Augie De Blieck Jr. said...

Whoops. Yeah, that was linked to earlier in the story. Even worse - I remember reading it already. UGH I'll just shut up now.

RobB said...

What about Lana Lang?

Or his wife from FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?

David Campbell said...

Clearly I need to do a "Superman, Super-Player Part Deux"

The Eyeball Kid said...

Puzzling Evidence:

Almerac is an anagram for Caramel! It's a scientific fact.

Martin Hall said...

Didn't they kill Maxima in Our Worlds At Disjointed, Appalling Crossover as well? What was it - kill Superman's Old Stalkers week? Kind of makes you wonder about Hippolyta. Or Aquaman.
Also, what's with Superman's hands on the cover of Adventures of Mrs. Superman?

Anonymous said...

The cartoon 'For the Man Who Has Everything' smooshed together Lana and Lois's names somehow, I can't remember, so he could have BOTH.

SW said...

Who knew that Superman even had genitals? I mean, he's not from Earth, so you can't automatically expect that he has/had them (he could have come from a race of eunuchs, you don't know...)

under a rock for the past ten years said...

dr.pants said...

You've left out my new recent favorite: Superman and the new Metropolis SCU cop.

She's all walking around naked in front of him and asking him if wants to bone her. That Greg Rucka is subtle as all hell.


Which issue was this?

Anonymous said...

RE: The WONDER WOMAN with Phil Jimenez, where Lois Lane interviews Diana. The cover of that screams 3-way. Dude, he's Superman he deserves it. But a 3-way with Supes and WW, Lois would be exhausted.

lazy_cg said...

what about batman? he got some ass. as a billlionaire playboy he got some major tail.

though i gotta say Supes' is kinda a prick for doin' it on lois's grave, and for doin' it with his teammates's wife.

Though i gotta wonder what his porn name was. Let's see there's the Man of Steel of course but can anyone top that?
I declare a challenge for people to find a better porn name for superman.

sexy said...

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,按摩棒,跳蛋,充氣娃娃,情境坊歡愉用品,情趣用品,情人節禮物,情惑用品性易購

免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,免費AV,色情網站,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人影片,成人網站,A片,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,情色網,日本A片,免費A片下載,性愛

A片,色情,成人,做愛,情色文學,A片下載,色情遊戲,色情影片,色情聊天室,情色電影,免費視訊,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊聊天室,一葉情貼圖片區,情色,情色視訊,免費成人影片,視訊交友,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,言情小說,愛情小說,AIO,AV片,A漫,av dvd,聊天室,自拍,情色論壇,視訊美女,AV成人網,色情A片,SEX

情趣用品,A片,免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,色情網站,免費AV,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人網站,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,成人影片,情色網


情趣用品,A片,免費A片,日本A片,A片下載,線上A片,成人電影,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,微風成人區,成人文章,成人影城,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,臺灣情色網,色情,情色電影,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,麗的色遊戲,情色論壇,色情網站,一葉情貼圖片區,做愛,性愛,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,美女交友,做愛影片

av,情趣用品,a片,成人電影,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,aio,av女優,AV,免費A片,日本a片,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,聊天室,美女交友,成人光碟

情趣用品.A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,色情遊戲,色情網站,聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,免費A片,日本a片,a片下載,線上a片,av女優,av,成人電影,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,成人網站,自拍,尋夢園聊天室

Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

徵信, 徵信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 感情挽回, 婚姻挽回, 挽回婚姻, 挽回感情, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信, 捉姦, 徵信公司, 通姦, 通姦罪, 抓姦, 抓猴, 捉猴, 捉姦, 監聽, 調查跟蹤, 反跟蹤, 外遇問題, 徵信, 捉姦, 女人徵信, 女子徵信, 外遇問題, 女子徵信, 徵信社, 外遇, 徵信公司, 徵信網, 外遇蒐證, 抓姦, 抓猴, 捉猴, 調查跟蹤, 反跟蹤, 感情挽回, 挽回感情, 婚姻挽回, 挽回婚姻, 外遇沖開, 抓姦, 女子徵信, 外遇蒐證, 外遇, 通姦, 通姦罪, 贍養費, 徵信, 徵信社, 抓姦, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信公司, 女人徵信, 外遇

徵信, 徵信網, 徵信社, 徵信網, 外遇, 徵信, 徵信社, 抓姦, 徵信, 女人徵信, 徵信社, 女人徵信社, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 女人徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社,

徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 外遇, 抓姦, 離婚, 外遇,離婚,

徵信, 外遇, 離婚, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信社, 征信, 征信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 征信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦

Anonymous said...

借錢 票貼 借錢 借貸 借貸 借錢 當舖 借貸 當舖 當舖 票貼 借款 借貸 借錢 票貼 二胎 週轉 融資 借錢 借款 當舖 二胎 票貼 借貸 借錢 借貸 票貼 當舖黃頁 借錢黃頁 貼現黃頁 借錢黃頁 借貸黃頁 借貸黃頁 當舖黃頁 貼現黃頁 票貼黃頁 二胎黃頁 融資黃頁 借錢 借貸 票貼 借貸 票貼 借錢優質黃頁 借貸優質黃頁 票貼黃頁 借錢 當舖 票貼 借錢 借貸 借款 貼現 貼現 當舖聯盟網 當舖聯盟網 當舖聯盟網 借錢 票貼 借貸 當舖 票貼 借貸 借錢 當舖聯盟網 當舖聯盟網 網站分類 網站搜索 網站搜尋 網站黃頁 網站名錄 網址目錄 directory 網站登錄 網站目錄 交換連結 台灣網站指南 網站指南 借錢 借錢 借貸 借貸 票貼 借款 借貸 借貸 借錢

Anonymous said...

借貸指南 借貸指南 借貸指南 票貼指南 票貼指南 票貼指南 票貼指南 票貼指南 票貼指南 票貼指南 二胎指南 二胎房貸 二胎車貸指南 借錢週轉 融資信貸網 借貸9797 借錢888 借貸9797 票貼急救網 借貸指南 借錢888 借錢888 借錢888 借錢888 借貸9797 借貸9797 當舖指南 當舖指南 票貼優質網 票貼優質網 票貼急救網 票貼急救網 票貼急救網 票貼急救網 融資聯盟網 票貼優質網 借錢 借貸9797 票貼急救網 借據範本 借據範本 票貼優質網 借錢指南 借貸指南 二胎 二胎指南 貼現指南 貼現指南 借貸9797 借貸9797 借貸9797 借錢 票貼指南 借貸 二胎 二胎指南 票貼指南 借貸 借錢 借貸指南 借貸指南 借貸指南 票貼急救網 票貼急救網 借貸指南 票貼指南 借款指南 借貸 借錢 借貸 借錢 票貼 票貼 借貸指南 借貸指南 借貸9797 借貸9797 借錢888 借錢888 借貸指南 網站搜尋 網站名錄 網址目錄 directory 網站登錄 網站目錄 網站指南 台灣網站指南 網站搜索 交換連結 借錢 借貸

crazyloko said...

China Wholesalers has been described as the world’s factory. buy products wholesaleThis phenomenom is typified by the rise ofbusiness. Incredible range of products available with China Wholesale “Low Price and High Quality” not only reaches directly to their target clients worldwide but also ensures that wholesale from china from China means margins you cannot find elsewhere and China Wholesale will skyroket your profits.china wholesale productsbuy china wholesalewholesale chinawholesale productsbuy products
ig

Anonymous said...

laser pointer|投影機|整形外科|春藥|電波拉皮|美白針|醫學美容|花蓮民宿|室內裝潢|清潔公司|Maternity Clothes|室內設計|室內設計|壯陽藥品

alvin said...

Nice comics. Superman is idol! A powerful man like my stuff Pink Laser Pointer

Britton said...

I found a great deal of helpful information above!
ccrn certification | colleges for lawyers | tropical wedding dresses