Wednesday, June 29, 2005
When one thinks of superheroes that get laid a lot, Superman does not spring to mind. It's mostly the Marvel guys, frankly. Oh, sure, Green Arrow is a lucky son of a bitch, and Nightwing gets his share of action, but they don't hold a candle to the Marvel guys like Iron Man or Daredevil. Those guys are stone cold players.
But I was thinking about it, and you know, Superman does OK for himself as far as women go. Sure, he married Lois Lane (we've already established here that he is loyal to her to the point of stupidity) but if you're a DC hero there's always those Elseworlds stories and alternate timelines where you can just go nuts. He certainly has no shortage of women who want to "mess with the S" if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
During Eric Luke's run on Wonder Woman, the "Trinity" storyline featured an alternate reality/fantasy story in which Superman and Wonder Woman hook up. That shot at the beginning of this post of the heroes suckin' face in outer space is from Wonder Woman #141, with booty-licious art by Yannick Paquette. Of course, the status quo cannot be changed, so Supes and Wondy return to their normal lives, but Wonder Woman wistfully remembers what might have gone down, and so do we.
In the "real world" of the current Superman books, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Don't get me started on this; it's worth a whole post. Sorry, married superheroes just don't work for me - it's the ultimate "Jumping The Shark" in the comic book world.
Anyway, Clark and Lois enjoy each other's company, sexually speaking. Here's a scene from Superman #159, by Jeph Loeb with art by Ed McGuinness. Lois+Clark+bath tub+chocolate covered cherries+candles+rubber ducky+Marvin Gaye= Happy Lois.
It's okay, kids - they're man and wife. You can go crazy with chocolate-covered strawberries if you're married; it's not a sin. I have no idea how they got chocolate everywhere like that, though. They must have been really excited.
Speaking of conjugal bliss, here's the cover to Adventures of Superman #574, a storyline that deals with the ramifications of the publication of a picture of Superman with a wedding ring on. Speculation runs rampant: Who is Superman married to? Answer: The Neverending Battle. Duh.
Tell that to Crazy Super-Powered Lady, appropriately named Obsession. She's got a thing for Superman, so she dresses up as Mrs. Superman in an attempt to woo him. Mrs Superman? Clearly Obsession is a staunch feminist. I like her outfit, though...
Superman rebuffs her advances, so of course, they fight. His nobility brings her around and they team up to battle a group of mutated monsters. Obsession takes a hit meant for Superman and dies - or does she? Uh, yeah, she dies.
Speaking of Crazy Super-Powered Ladies, let's talk about Maxima. In the tradition of a hundred million stories where a warrior woman wants to mate with a virile hero, Maxima comes to Erf from the planet Almerac looking for a suitable mate. She's hella strong and tough, so who do you think she picks? No, not Plastic Man. Keep up, please.
That's right, Maxima has the hots for Superman. He rebuffs her. They fight. Later Maxima joins the Justice League, because hey, they need more crazy and dangerous people on the team, and then later joins Captain Atom's Extreme Justice, which should have really been called Bipolar Justice.
During the Adventures of Superman Annual #3, Superman finally gets to have sex with Maxima. This issue is a tie-in to the headache inducing Armageddon 2001 crossover and it kind of cheats a little because Superman has sex with Maxima in an alternate possible future in which Lois dies while pregnant with Clark's baby. The super-powered unborn child kicks in the womb, causing massive internal bleeding and Lois's death. Sounds like somebody read Larry Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex essay, which graphically describes just how incompatible Superman is with Earth females.
Here's the cover, with Superman and Maxima dissing Lois by making out on her grave. I mean, sure, move on with your life, Clark, but have some respect!
In the Annual, the stupid time-travelling Waverider pulls a Ghost of Christmas Future on Superman and shows him a possible reality in which he leaves Earth after his wife's death and hooks up with Maxima. His heart still belongs to Lois, and Maxima is kind of psycho, so it takes a while, but eventually they get down to it and have the super sex. Of course, it's only a dream/alternate timeline/Elseworlds story so it doesn't count ...
And then there's a classic John Byrne Action Comics two-parter which features Superman and Big Barda, and a none-too-happy Mr. Miracle. "Superman and... my WIFE?!" In this storyline, the Apokalips villain Sleez captures Big Barda on Earth and mind-controls her. When Superman tries to rescue her, he gets mind-whammied as well.
So, of course, Sleez decides to make a porn movie with Barda and Superman. I am so totally not kidding.
As I think I've demonstrated, Superman is a player.
He may not be in the same league as Tony Stark or Matt Murdock, but he's had his share of boom-chika-boom.
You go, Superman!