Wednesday, June 08, 2005
ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #458 DC Comics, 1989
Oh, man. Just looking at the cover - stretchy Jimmy Olsen -- you know this is going to suck. Which begs the question: why did you buy this, Dave? Even back in 1989, surely you knew this wasn't going to be a good comic. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.
I really am just reviewing this so I can make fun of Jimmy Olsen. Is he anybody's favorite character? I'm sure he's somebody's favorite - even the lamest character has a #1 Fan. I call this "The Night Ranger Factor." To this day, there are people out there in the world who, defying all reason, are HUGE fans of the band Night Ranger. Judging by the results of a quick Google search, there are quite a few people who can claim to be Night Ranger's #1 Fan. My point is, no matter how ridiculous or suck-ass a character, movie, book, or band is, there's always somebody out there who totally digs it. I believe this is a universal truth. Somewhere in our great nation there lurks a guy (come on, you know it's a guy) who can accurately call himself Jimmy Olsen's #1 Fan.
I am not that person.
Jimmy Olsen is the Jar Jar Binks of the comic book world - looking at him just makes me angry. Jimmy Olsen is the Avatar of Uncool. He's just -- just-- GOD, HE IS SUCH A TOOL!!!
Case in point: Adventures of Superman #458, wherein Jimmy Olsen suddenly develops uncontrollable stretching powers similar to the Elongated Man. You see, there's this virus... ah, screw it. I'm not here to explain the plot, I'm just here to mock Jimmy Olsen.
Jimmy is sprung on Daily Planet reporter Cat Grant, and in an effort to convince her he's cool, he joins her aerobics class. Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and half the staff of the Daily Planet also attend this class because... well, because the plot demands that they be there. Jimmy has no hope in hell of ever getting anywhere with Cat, but his complete lack of self-awareness shields him from this brutal truth. It's almost as if Jimmy comes from the alien world, not Clark -- an alien world where the concept of "cool" doesn't exist.
So anyway, Jimmy shows up at this aerobics class to impress Cat, and things go horribly wrong. Check it out (click to enlarge):
Sweet Moses, what is he wearing?! Borrowing the Hulk's color scheme, Jimmy wears a purple leotard with green briefs. That'll get the chicks, Jimmy. Tool. I like the little inset panels of Jimmy's face on this page - it looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone or something.
Jimmy's weird stretching powers manifest themselves suddenly and painfully in the aerobics class. Some well intentioned gym-goers try to help him while Clark dashes out and changes into Superman. Observe:
Cat Grant's kid sees the elastic chaos and says: "What's all the noise about -- Wow. For cool!" Yeah, I don't know what that means, either. Maybe the kid is an adopted Russian orphan who is charmingly mangling American slang or something.
All right, that's it. The comic goes on, but really, who cares? Jimmy lives to annoy another day and stalk more Daily Planet staff in the future. I just wanted to show everybody Jimmy's neat leotards, which are truly "for cool."