The idea behind “Honestly, I Bought It For A Quarter Week” here at Dave’s Long Box is that there are some comics that I’m sort of ashamed to admit that I bought at full price. In my defense, I did get Nash #1 out of a five-for-a-dollar box. No, really.
And at no time have I ever masturbated over the imagery in Nash #1. Seriously. Why are you looking at me that way?
Ha ha! Comedy! You can’t look at me at all – we’re on the Internet. I was being fanciful. Just thought I’d start things off right with the old reliable masturbation joke.
NFL Superpro #1 – yes, I paid retail for it. Got an employee discount, though, because I was working at Whooo’s Comics and Cards in beautiful Lacey, WA. I still think I paid too much, even if the cover screams COLLECTOR’S ITEM 1ST ISSUE!
Unbelievably, NFL SuperPro lasted a full 12-issues (and a SuperBowl special!). I know – in what cruel mirror universe do we live in where SuperPro can get a full twelve issue but they no longer publish Sleeper? I know, I know: different companies – but you know what I’m saying. There’s no justice. I’m guessing that Marvel signed papers with the NFL that said they’d crank out a full twelve issues of SuperPro or else they’d get a visit from Terrible Terry Tate, the Office Linebacker.
Sure, it sounds bad, but let’s be fair: Is NFL SuperPro any good, as a comic book?
You tell me:
They should have called this comic book NFL SuperCorporateWhore. The most unrealistic thing about the story of ex-football player Phil Graysfield, aka SuperPro is the fact that he runs around with this big corporate logo fighting crime – and doesn’t get sued by the NFL. If he were real (what am I talking about?), SuperPro would be fighting The Subpoenea Server and Intellectual Property Rights Man.
NFL SuperPro was undoubtedly thought up by a bunch of drunk mid-level marketing guys who no longer have jobs with the NFL, and brought to life with joyless care by writer Fabian “X-Men” Nicieza and penciller Jose Delbo. It’s a pedestrian, paint-by-numbers affair.
Insert Spider-Man guest spot here:
The story involves SuperPro trying to clear a Raiders lineman from bogus gambling charges (because athletes would never – gasp – gamble) and to keep him from getting killed by mysterious yet generic assassins.
This involves jumping around and lots of football puns:
“It’s goddamn NFL SuperPro! What are you, retarded?”
The uneasy hybrid of football and superheroics continues until we reach the climax, the one panel that the entire story has been working towards:
NFL SuperPro has no shame, and I have no shame in admitting that I paid retail for it. I open my arms and embrace all manner of trash, even if it causes me pain…
413 comments:
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Hilarious.
I'm desperately hoping to see a review of DP7 #4 or the Firebrand Annual.
C'mon -- you know EVERYBODY got a few New Universe issues out of the quarter bin.
“What the #$%@ was that?”
“It’s goddamn NFL SuperPro! What are you, retarded?”
Congratulations, Dave, you made me chocke on my plum.
Seriously. I had to self-heimlich.
So if having Spider-Man guest star in the second issue is a sign of the lack of confidence Marvel has in a comic, what does having Wolverine guest star mean? That it's a comic published by Marvel?
"...and you're going to be receiving for the rest of the night, hot stuff."
Too bad this failed. I can see a whole Super Team of sports guys – like maybe a guy who’s a master of several sports but dresses like a baseball player and covers his face with a veil or a black basketball player who disguises himself as a white guy and is secretly a government agent and can’t spell…
Isn't Kirkman bringing this guy back? Is he gonna have the NFL logo on his chest? Or the more up-to-date-in-today's-agro-culture Extreme Football League logo with a the word 'Blood' before SuperPro and guns to boot?
You think NFL Superpro is bad, check out the line of comics from I actually bought Shortstop Squad because I like Tommy Lee Edward's art.
But the best (worst?) comic was the free Red Sox comic book they were giving away at Fenway Park a couple years ago. It shames me to be a Red Sox fan when I saw this.
On a side note, since the NHL season's about to start, I'm off to find me copy of the Wayne Gretzky comic book that came out in the 90's.
Those are awesome, AA. I'm all about the Legends of NASCAR comic book. That was quality.
Tell me you have a "THE PAIN!" banner that features Eugene "Puck" Judd, whose constant struggle against "THE PAIN!" was an inspiration to all of us who carry an ancient gaseous daemon inside our misshapen forms.
//\Oo/\\
You should copywrite that "THE PAIN" logo and distribute posters, that is pure comedy gold.
I swear all of these comics came out at the same time my saturday morning cartoons were introducing me to the "Bo Jackson/Michael Jordan/Wayne Gretzky" superhero tv show. Probably the same lame-o corporate geek who thought they would be a good idea.
"He went from sacking quarterbacks to fighting crime!"
Certainly different from the usual career route of becoming a coach and/or commentator.
So, does Superpro have to stop fighting crime every thirty seconds in order to listen to the commands of his coach and/or allow room for an advertising break?
(actually, I could see some metafictional fun being had with that concept, having the action literally stop every time there's an advert)
And were Superpro comics three times longer than they needed to be?
There's been some debate, and Quesada let it slip that Kirkman might have bought the Superpro copyright. Can you say SCORE?!
Dr. Pants: Thanks to the quarter bin, I have the entire run of Spitfire And the Troubleshooters/Spitfire/Codename: Spitfire. Oh lordy, it's crazy comics. I've also got that Star Brand Annual, one of the few comics infamous editor Bobbie Chase wrote.
As for SuperPro, I think Kirkman's using him in the upcoming "Legion of Losers" storyline, which features, from the first cover- Dagger, Darkhawk, Arana, Speedball, Terror, Inc., and Sleepwalker. Plus X-23, whose book actually sold. Hmmm, maybe that should be "Legion of Reasons Tom DeFalco should never have been Marvel Editor in Chief".
As far as I'm concerned, wihtough even knowing about the story on bit, this story will be the GREATEST FUCKING THING MARVEL WILL PUBLISH IN 2006.
I can only pray that you've got US-1 on the list. Because that was Deep Hurting
--Rick Jones (really)
This would be a nice tie in with the NBA. He could fight Ron Artest and the Indy Pacers.
And the worst thing about NFL Superpro was, crap as it was, it was still much much better than 99% of the comics would bring out only two years later during the height of the comics glut...
If you're taking request, please tell me you got some Marvel UK comics from that period lying around. You know, the ones that featured Wolverine! Ghost Rider! Spider-Man! or Punisher! as a gueststar for the US market, while the UK got the exact same story without them, but in a weekly magazine 6 pages at a time...
Give Nicieza some credit: the book looks like he laughed his ass off the entire time, like someone grabbing a fat, hunchbacked three-armed chick at a party just to mock her afterwards to his friends.
Since you've already violated the "only a quarter" theme, how about this week being the week of Sports Entertainment Comics? I think a week of pure SECs would be quite fun. We could invite guests to comment on SECs and how they would have done it differently. One thing to remember during SECs week, no pain...no gain.
Ever since I discovered this site a few months back, Ive been waiting for a Superpro review. You did not disappoint. Thanks for once again showing why longbox is once of the best blogs around.
PS: you think issue one is bad? work through the run a bit. It gets... much... worse!
Thanks for a big fan,
-thebridgeisover
Dave C.,
Who was that one superhero whose powers were divine? Lightbringer or God-gave-powers-guy? Prestige book, I believe.
The Marvel UK stuff that was actually marked as "Marvel UK" and was US-format wasn't released in weekly form in Britain.
We got them in exactly the same format, Wolverine guest appearances and all. Indeed, the move into US-style comics was what finally killed off Marvel's weekly titles.
All that said, I agree that any of the Marvel UK titles is good fodder for The Pain.
As for the New Universe, I actually quite liked Spitfire, or at least the early stuff before it all went a bit mental and she turned into a living diamond or whatever.
And don't forget, True Believers! The New Universe is on its way back!
David -
The god-given-prestige-format guy: St. George perhaps?
All this talk about quarter-bin comics, football, and the New Universe and nobody has mentioned the ultimate football superhero comic: Kickers, Inc.?
It was the kind of goofy, over-the-top, didn't take itself-too-seriously book that would've been fun if it'd come out in the sixties and had been written by Stan Lee, or come out in the seventies and had been written by Steve Englehart.
Sadly, it came out in the eighties and was written by Tom DeFalco.
Here's the diff'rence between DC and Marvel. If Kickers, Inc. had been published at DC, someday it would come back.
Hey, the New Universe is still gettin' some lovin'. After all, the Exiles are going there on the world tour. Personally, what I'm most ashamed of my comic collection is that I actually have most of the issues of all the Marvel Midnight Sons. I have got to get rid of those.
Bully: Yeah, but Kickers Inc would come back in a) in a Geoff Johns comic, and b) to immediately be killed off or darkened and replaced.
Plus, someone, somewhere, is writing the New Universe revival proposal that will make Tom Brevoort and Joe Quesada say "ah ha!"
Only a matter of time, friends...
And were Superpro comics three times longer than they needed to be?
I understand they frequently caused Simpsons Comics to be delayed.
Leigh wins! That is some funny shit.
Kyyle -- that was "ProStars!!" I watched that! I think it came on right after "Hammerman." Gretzky had this hockey stick that could shoot out pucks, and . . . I forget what the other guys had. Jordan with exploding basketballs, maybe.
Also, speaking of shame, I have all four issues of the Brett Hull comic, which takes place sometime n the dystopian future, when hockey players are all, like, roboty and huge and stuff.
Remember the 'dark' issue of SuperPro, where the pop singer had part of her top torn off, right in front of everyone?
Kelvin:
I think you'll find that these were published in a weekly comic, Overkill, which I still have copies of cluttering up my comics collection....
If you bought them as normal, US sized comics, you were naughty, naughty as Marvel UK wanted you to buy Overkill; those other strips were intended for the colonies...
See also Paul O'Brien's column on this issue...
Oh, man -- I have Kickers Inc. #1 and it is begging to get reviewed.
It even has the "mysterious" flash of light that may or may not have given the main guy his powers.
(The irony, of course, is that none of the "team" members were actually kickers. Wait -- not irony. I mean to say "stupid.")
For the record: DP7 was AWESOME, and I really appreciated the first 12 issues of Star Brand, in which the hero gets amazing super powers and essentially uses them to have an easier time of it at work and get chicks.
Which was great.
The guy has 'Superpro Sense'?
I honestly have never seen anywhere else other than that comic the Ditko-created visual stunt where Peter Parker has his Spider-Man mask super-imposed over his secret identity.
What comic came first? Superpro or Kickers, Inc?
Don't be hatin' on DP7! That was the gem of the New Universe. It was like Misfits of Science in a handy, portable form!
New Universe was 86 or 87 and superpro was 91.
They used the Spider-Man "half face" thing in Deadpool, in the issue where he was Spider-Man, so I suppose that doesn't count.
Martin: fair enough, but I read lots and lots of Marvel UK at the time and I never once saw an issue of Overkill (ditto Strip). I still haven't actually. I'm not saying that what you and Paul say isn't true, just that by some quirk of regional distribution, newsagents around my way were selling the US-format comics, and not the weekly Overkill. I do have a couple of issues of the monthly Meltdown though. Now that was a cool comic. Akira, Cholly & Flytrap and The Last American all under the same, er, covers.
Naturally, NFL SuperPro's foes all ended up in maximum security prison, where they got to "receive" on a regular basis from a 350-pound cellmate nowhere near as good-looking (or as gentle) as NFL SuperPro.
I seem to remember a superpowered basketball team, only it was the Harlem Globetrotters cartoon on NBC.
Which made about as much sense as the robotic Three Stooges cartoon from about the same vintage.
(I guess that kids wouldn't hurt each other imitating Larry, Moe, and Curly/Joe/Shemp) if they were robots.
"NFL SuperCorporateWhore."
They couldn't call it that; that was the name of a, ahem, movie.
I rented it once.
As I recall, I paid late fees...
"Naturally, NFL SuperPro's foes all ended up in maximum security prison, where they got to "receive" on a regular basis from a 350-pound cellmate nowhere near as good-looking (or as gentle) as NFL SuperPro."
Hey --
I rented that movie, too...
I found a few issues of Superpro in the quarter bins at comic shops and comic shows, and I love them--but then I'm obsessed with Jose Delbo and Janice Chiang.
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Fumbling in the First Quarter!
He made his first appearance in "NFL Superpro" Sportsbook issue #1 and was quickly canceled. Teaming up with Spiderman, a book full of witty football related quotation to shout when attacking his enemies (eg.> "Tell your boss, he's just lost home field advantage!") and the artwork of Jose Delbo (who later moved on to work at McDonalds) NFL Superpro made his small dint on the transport truck of the comic world.
When the ratings started to drop, Superpro got some friends. Hardball (a baseball bat swinging minor leaguer diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's' disease) and Major American (a former UCWF fighting champion). The three of them formed a super group called........... NFL bettting "The Superstars" and made their force known in issues 80-82 of Marvel Premiere. Soon after Stan Lee is quoted as bet on line saying "My GOD! I'm an idiot" and canceled the whole idea.
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Yes, I too know too well of "The Pain", for alas, I was young and foolish. I fell for the "Collector's Issue" displayed bright and bold on the cover. But it did not stop there, I bought issues number 2 and 3. This may have been the first time I publicly admitted this.
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