Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The S.H.I.E.L.D. Career Power Seminar

It's lonely being a geek sometimes.

This Halloween I dressed up as Col. Nick Fury, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.. I wore my costume to work and went trick-or-treating with my little girl, who earlier in the day had been traumatized by one of those life-size singing skeleton robots. If in a few years I have to put my daughter through therapy because of a skeleton in a bow-tie singing "Rollin' On A River," so help me, I'm going to sue somebody.

Anyway, I looked pretty good in my Nick Fury costume, despite the fact that everybody thought I was dressed up as Snake Plissken. That wouldn't have been so bad, except more than one person said, "Are you the dude from Escape From L.A.?" First of all, no. I'm Nick Fury, bitches. Second, if I was Snake Plissken, I would be from Escape From New York, not that other movie that I pretend doesn't exist. I mean, really. It's insulting.

"I'm Nick Fury, bitches."

Being the geek that I am, I decided that I would turn my costume into a multi-media extravaganza. I printed out "Don't Yield, Back S.H.I.E.L.D." stickers and invited everyone in my department to a S.H.I.E.L.D. Career Power Seminar, hosted by Nick Fury. I reserved a training room and some audio-video equipment and for about an hour and a half I gave a series of five-minute presentations. People trickled in and out on their lunch breaks and listened to Col. Fury explain why they should join his super-spy organization. It was generally well-received; people laughed in all the right places.

So here, then, are the PowerPoint slides from my S.H.I.E.L.D. Career Power Seminar. Imagine I'm up at the front of the room dressed as Nick Fury, cigar clenched in mouth, delivering my dialogue in a clipped tough guy from New York voice. I know - pretty geeky, huh? I was a theater major, what can I say?

Fury: "Alright, you screwheads, listen up. I'm Colonel Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D., and I'm here to tell you all why you might want to join my secret superspy organization - if you can cut the mustard. So eyes front and lips zipped."

"What is S.H.I.E.L.D.? We're America's top superspy organization, keeping our country safe 24/7 from all manner of freaks, subversives, and supervillains. We were also featured in a made-for-TV movie starring David Hasselhoff of Baywatch and Baywatch Nights fame."

"Be part of a winning team with S.H.I.E.L.D.. You'll take pride in knowing that you're keeping the American dream safe. The opportunities for personal growth are endless, what with S.H.I.E.L.D.'s training programs and all. And there are always new challenges ahead, whether it's a rampaging Dreadnought robot or a gamma bomb ticking under Philly. Variety is the spice of life here at S.H.I.E.L.D.."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. offers generous benefits for all full-time agents. You can enjoy our sports programs, like wrasslin', or put your runts in our state of the art day care centers. We've got a great medical plan, including vision. Have fun at a S.H.I.E.L.D. mixer. Nobody knows how to pound booze like S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, let me tell ya. We work hard, we play hard."

"Be a part of something special with S.H.I.E.L.D.. Travel to exotic locations. Liaise with the military and State Department. Or just skulk around in the shadows with your cigar, looking like a bad-ass. At the end of the day you'll have a sense of pride."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. agents get all the cool swag. Whether it's the latest nightvision optics, a fancy ray gun, a jetpack, or our new TWIKI model field-support droid - S.H.I.E.L.D. plays with the best toys."

"Maybe you're an egghead or a computer jock. No problem, we've got a place for you here at S.H.I.E.L.D.. We're currently looking for polygraph experts to sniff out double-agents, forensic scientists like this dame here, and High Altitude Low Opening parachuters. It's not all fisticuffs and death rays here at S.H.I.E.L.D.."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. is based out of the helicarrier, a massive flying aircraft carrier held aloft by huge turbines. It floats 10,000 feet above Bethesda, Maryland, hidden from public view by a smoke screen - looks just like a cloud. You can join our Aqua Strike Force and tool around in a high speed assault catamaran, or travel in style in a flying car like yours truly. Nobody knows how to pimp your ride like S.H.I.E.L.D., baby."

"Get a cut of the pie. Once you reach director level you get your own comic book, and if you play your cards right you can get a line of toys, hats, leather jackets - you name it. Try finding a better deal at any other government agency - you won't find it, pal. S.H.I.E.L.D. knows how to take care of their own."

"Plus, you get the satisfaction of crushing the forces of evil and keeping America safe for apple pie and grandma. Like these bums: HYDRA. Not to be confused with Cobra, the G.I. Joe bad guys. Hydra are a pack of freedom-hating creeps bent on destroying our way of life, and we're here to put our collective foot up their butts. Those Hydra sonsabitches really get under my skin. But don't worry: the current Hydra Alert Level is yellow, so you can go out trick-or-treating or drinking or whatever tonight knowing that S.H.I.E.L.D. is on the case."

"So now you've heard what S.H.I.E.L.D. has to offer and you want to know what it takes to join. Well, you gotta be a U.S. citizen in top shape, you gotta be 21 of course, and pass our violating background investigation, which includes a telepathic probe. Oh, and you gotta be willing to lose vision in one of your eyes."

"OK, I've said what I gotta say. The rest is up to you. Do you have what it takes to join S.H.I.E.L.D.? Thanks for listening, and don't forget to pick up a sticker on your way out. Now amscray."

So there you go. It went over pretty well, I think. I mean, come on, wouldn't you be psyched if your boss or co-worker did something like that at work? Most importantly, after my presentation nobody referred to me as "that guy from Escape From L.A.."

Mission accomplished.

UPDATED! Here's an OK picture of me as Nick Fury, with ubiquitous cigar. It's sort of a poor man's David Hasselhoff look, really. And although you can't tell, take my word for it that I have grey temples and a Howling Commandos unit badge on one arm. That's geek authenticity, baby.


Anonymous said...

We need pictures of the costume! Airwolf presentation, but I'm surprised you didn't mention the SHIELD healthcare program -- the Infinity Formula!

Harvey Jerkwater said...

"It's not all fisticuffs and death rays here at S.H.I.E.L.D."

Then sign me up! I've had enough of both to last me forever.

The worst is when the fisticuffs are combined with the death rays. Dude, that sucks. My right elbow hasn't been the same since the Palermo Incident and that "Crimson Dragon" idiot. I could use something less physical and less death-beamy.

Anonymous said...

F&%$ YEAH!

Angry Android said...

The fact you were able to do a sales pitch to have people join S.H.I.E.L.D. while at work is pure genius. Bring on the Nick Fury pictures!

Tycho B. said...

Sir, I am astounded - nay, beggared - by the scale of your nerdity. Verily, this shall be a day long remembered in the halls of geekdom.

Kevin Church said...

Dave. I love you.

Greg said...

You forgot to mention that you get to hang out with guys who wear bowler hats (and incorporate them into their armor) and exotic Eastern European countesses. No more sales pitch is needed after those points!

Anonymous said...

So...freaking...cool....I can barely stand it. I salute you Colonel sir.

David Campbell said...

I'm hoping to get a picture of me in Nick Fury gear - I'll post it when I do. See, if YOU GUYS worked at my huge multi-national corporation I would be a frickin' HERO right now - as is, I'm just Dave, The Eccentric Supervisor Guy Who Dresses Like Snake Plissken.

Anonymous said...


Tycho B. said...

Dammit -- That's the last time I let Volstagg use my login.

Anyway, keep up the good work, Dave!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for incorporating the Celine Dion picture into your "Totally Airwolf" graphic.

Kitty said...

:: is gobsmacked ::

You rock immensely! And post photos - everyone must scope out Dave Fury!

Anonymous said...

You. Are. A. God. To. Me.

However, if I were in your employer's internal counsel department, I'd be drafting a memorandum advising your involuntary commitment right now.

Bully said...

For Halloween I was a ghost. I got rocks.

You, sir, are the God of Halloween and the Master of Disguise. I bow my little stuffed self down before you.

call me jack... said...

*bows* I know of no others who took Halloween so far.

Anonymous said...

That was totaly awe-inspiring. I would've liked to have seen different versions of the shield acronym as well though. I'm sure they had one that started Supreme Headquarters...
You could use a different one on each slide.

Unknown said...

Day Care Logo. On A Towel Or Any Other Beach Related Merchandise. As Soon As Humanly Possible.

SO Airwolf.

David Campbell said...

Tom Smith wrote: "I would've liked to have seen different versions of the shield acronym as well though. I'm sure they had one that started Supreme Headquarters..."

That would have been funny - if I ever do that presentation again, I'm going to do that: mix the acronym around. I think the other one was Supreme Headquarters Intelligence Espionage Law Enforcement Division.

I could do Strategic Hemispheric Infiltration and Elimination Labor Division.

Or Superior Husbandry of Insects, Equines, and Laser Donkeys.

Winterteeth said...

I thought the laser donkey husbandry business bottomed out in the late 90s? Am I getting it mixed up? At any rate, that was about 14 flavors of kick-ass Airwolfry. Good show.

Anonymous said...

This has been the most awesome thing ever. Fuck, yeah.

Anonymous said...

That just kicked so much ass. Last night I declared to myself that Halloween was the greatest day of the year and this just affirmed it.



Sleestak said...

By god, no one else is worthy compared to that.

d.merrill said...

Terrific Powerpoint presentation - I'm sold. Where do I sign?

The model of the Helicarrier from the Fox NICK FURY movie is currently hanging from the ceiling of a shop on Yonge Street in Toronto. I was pretty impressed.

I thought Hasselhoff did a fine Fury. Most importantly, he didn't sing.

Peter said...

This was hilarious. Your geekness knows no limit. Here, have an Airwolf :)

This was so Airwolf as to be Madball, even!

Anonymous said...

I also can't wait to see the photos of the costume. I"ll spend now until then wondering if it was the Severin/early Steranko 60s style suit Fury, the primo Steranko zip-suit Fury or the compromise Hasselhof Fury.
And, did you sound out the acronym, "Ess, Aytch, Eye, Ee, El, Dee" or just say SHIELD during your presentation?

Dweeze said...

There is still a small, but thriving, market for laser donkey husbandry in Tijuana.

At least I think there is. I may have misinterpreted what I saw.

Anonymous said...

Dave, you ol' walrus! Only a no-good goldbricker wouldn't join after a pitch like that!


thekelvingreen said...

Sod Kurt Busiek, the new rule for comics blogging is Dave Always Wins.

Anonymous said...

Now THAT'S a company I wanna be a part of.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing Dave works for that giant Helicarrier manufacturer.

Woody! said...

There's a lot of George Peppard in that pose of yours. Obviously, that's a good thing.

Keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...


(you're the greatest)

Anonymous said...

This is an interesting glimpse into your world. I for one am stunned at the fact that:

1) You put so much work into that presentation, that I have to wonder if your wife was saying "Dave, I think you're going too far", to which I can only imagine you would your crazed stare at her and say "'Too far' is never far enough, baby!"

2) That your employer was willing to give you a conference room ..let alone anywhere on premesis.. to do a recruitment pitch for a spy organization. What was the look on your manager's face when you said "..and I've got this Power Point presentation...."?

Was your outfit complimented by a SHEILD-issue blaster? Would they have let you bring that into the workplace?

Anonymous said...

ah yes very nice, though there was one better screen interpitation of
Nick Fury than Hasselhaughs even though it didn't screen credit, Charleton Heston in True Lies.

Anonymous said...

Didn't know about Long Box back at Halloween time, so this is a belated response, but I know your pain well Dave.

We had a costume party which was comic book themed. There was a hot Poison Ivy, Gaiman's death reenacting the "safe sex" freebie, Lucy from Peanuts, mid-change Clark Kent, Tetsuo from Akira, and a slew of french/belgian stuff (Spirou, Natasha, pre-boob job Smurfette and others).

What did *I* go as? Mac. You know the one. The guy that Charles Atlas had to make a man out of in the back of all those old comics. No one knew who I was or what I was talking about, or once shown, what the big deal was.

Mac gets no respect.

Anonymous said...

Love the post. One quick comment though, did anyone else notice that the eye patch is on the wrong eye?

Anonymous said...

Do you know anything about incorporating business?

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