I've learned that it is not cool to make fun of heavyset people. I mean, I'm going bald for Chrissakes, who am I to cast stones at somebody for their physical appearance? Plus, big people can sit on you. Or eat you. (You see how easily I cave when an obvious joke presents itself? Pathetic.)
However, heavyset comic book characters? It's open season, baby.
Witness the latest in the cavalcade of Lame-ass villains: Ulysses X Lugman, the Floridian crime lord known as The Slug.
Get it? His name is Ulysses X Lugman. Lugman? Slug? In the Marvel Universe, your birth name often determines your destiny. Poor Mr. Lugman's fate was predetermined at birth - there was no way he was going to become a male speed skater with a name like that, it's just not possible. If I was born in the Marvel Universe, my name would have been Hugh G. Rection, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Moving on: The Slug is Captain America villain, a less-fit iteration of The Kingpin, who is heavy but ambulatory. The Slug just sort of sits there and rules his criminal empire from a couch, fanning himself.
You would think that a villain of The Slug's girth and mass would pose little physical threat to anyone unless you were a frog or Gilbert Grape, but you'd be wrong. According to The Slug's entry in the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Update, "The Slug possesses the normal human strength of a man of his age and tremendous size who engages in no regular exercise." Fair enough, that makes sense. But The Slug has a trump card: "The Slug is so obese that he can asphyxiate a person in the folds of his flesh."
That's gross. It also seems a little unlikely. How does he get his victims into position, if he can't really move, and he has stubby little arms? Does he have his henchman push people into his rolls of fat? Does he like, lift up one huge breast flap, have a thug insert the victim's head, and then lowers the breast flap, smothering the poor bastard with a big fleshy pillow of breast? I don't know, that's a stretch, even for the Marvel Universe. I think a more likely scenario is:
"The Slug is so obese that he can asphyxiate a ham sandwich in the folds of his flesh."
The Slug, ladies and gentlemen. So. Lame.
38 comments:
Dude. That's exactly what happened!! THEY STUCK A GUY IN HIS TUMMY AND THE GUY DIED.
A particular lowpoint in the Cap series. I also remember Nomad being involved.
For real? That is hilarious.
Yep, Nomad was involved, and the story is where Nomad started "going over the edge".
When your opponent's sole power is man-boobs, no wonder why.
I always wondered how a guy like that could rule a criminal empire. Hell, forget that. How does he even get dinner?
I guess he must have built his power base while he was young and fit. Then, as time went on, he let himself go, but had enough authority to still boss people around.
The only thing worse than the Slug, is the guy who works for the Slug.
The really scary thing is that the image of the Slug looks suspiciously like a guy who lived downstairs from the missus and I at one point. He wore the same kind of robe, and was often bare-legged and in sandals. If I understood correctly, he managed to line up about 6 disability policies and then ate himself into clinical obesity. For what it's worth, he could have killed people from the, er, pungent odor that emanated from parts of his body and I'm going to stop thinking about this right now because it's almost lunchtime.
I'd be willing to suspend the "it's not cool to make fun of fat people" rule for guys like him (one might argue that I already have), except that he was also an astonishingly litigious individual who sued the apartment building multiple times. If he finds this post, he may well attempt to sue me for it.
I think that Nomad wanted to kill the Slug, and Cap said no.
Sluggy boy also showed up in some lame Spider-Man annual where yes indeedy, he had one of his henchmen shove a dude into his folds to suffocate him.
What I also find amusing about The Slug is that Mark Gruenwald created him almost immediately after the Scourge storyline ended.
Yeah, The Slug would be Scourge-bait for sure.
I've got a "Stupid Stopped Reading Marvel Around That Time" question.
How did the Scourge thing get resolved? Did he die in the 80s or did he become a repeat threat. (Not that he was much of a threat anyway given who he offed to begin with.)
The Scorge was a group of people who wiped out bad guys for the Red Skull (some sorta evil and complicated plan to take over the world) they were basically his personal hitman, and I guess it ended when Cap stopped the Skull.
The Slug was in te first superhero comic I ever bought, one of the Web of Spider-Man annuals. I believe the cover boasted "He's bigger than the Kingpin!"
And yes, he killed a henchman in that comic by asphyxiating the poor guy in his own fat gut. It still makes me laugh.
F*%$ YEAH!
The only Slug story I've read was in Marvel Comics Presents. The last issue of Marvel Comics Presents I ever bought, actually. This may have been the only discerning choice I made as a young consumer. He was fighting Poison. No, not the hair band, although that has potential, now that I think of it. It was a female superhero I'd never heard of and never saw again. I think he just sat there. I'm pretty sure there was no death by fat fold. That's the kind of thing you remember.
"I guess he must have built his power base while he was young and fit. Then, as time went on, he let himself go, but had enough authority to still boss people around."
That's exactly what I did in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: Went to the gym and got all buff early on, and then after my criminal empire was up and running I started hitting the pizza and fried chicken joints. Ballooned my guy up pretty fast.
Oh my gosh, it's Roger Ebert!
Have you seen Roger Ebert lately? He's gotten svelte.
I think he pulled an Al Roker and had his stomach stapled.
-TJ
The Slug would be a powerful villain in real life. Look, he has the mutant ability to become sixteen thousand pounds and not die.
First, he must be the toughest man on the planet. The Hulk and Wolverine put together couldn't survive what Ulysses X. Lugman withstood. That's power.
Second, considering not only the raw acreage of his flesh, consider the multiple folding of said flesh and the perspiration trapped therein. He must also be the most pungent man on the planet.
Who would you rather face? The mighty-thewed Kingpin, who would crack your spine, or the Slug, who would imprison you within the slick folds of his avoirdupois, where the last thing you would smell would make Satan's infernal codpiece seem like a delightful spring breeze?
Okay, okay, he's incredibly lame-ass. Just had to try and defend him, to see if I could.
Nomad tried to beat him to death. Dude, that'd be tough.
"If I was born in the Marvel Universe, my name would have been Hugh G. Rection"
You'd be a WCW wrestler?
Outside of Doc Ock, The Penguin, The Kingpin, and that Prince of Thieves guy from the recent Conan; heavyset comicbook characters tend to be the worst kind of derogitory stereotypes with names like the Blob, or The Slug.
With a new pro Sumo league starting up in the states (out of Vegas I think), somebody should do a Sumo Superpro comic or something. And have him fight like giant lizards, ninjas, pirates and stuff.
The Gilbert Grape line killed me. You so funny
This was around the time Cap shot some dude with an uzi, wasn't it? Nothing says 1980's like uzi's, legwarmers, and wristbands.
"If I was born in the Marvel Universe, my name would have been Hugh G. Rection, if you know what I mean and I think you do."
You'd be a reasonably talented pro wrestler whose career was torpedoed by a succession of lame gimmicks, but started to bounce back when you became a Tough Enough instructor, only to suffer an injury that prematurely ended your time in the ring, at which point you stepped into the announce booth?
I have a Web of Spider-Man Annual where Spidey squares off against Lugman...it's the one comic in my collection I've never bothered to read and keep only for Spidey-completists' sake.
That Spider-Man annual, and the subsequent Poison stories in MCP, were written by Steve Gerber. Poison was an interesting character.
Hey. I just realized that he might have been a Jabba the Hutt stand-in, too. Hurm.
S...Steve Gerber? Are you serious? Now I have to pull out my Web of books... curse you, Dan Coyle. Curse you!
All hail All-Father Slug!
Ted Kennedy!!!
Ah, the part about Roger Ebert becoming "svelte"? It's called cancer, dude. Sad to say.
The thing about the Slug is, apparently his spine is like 6 feet long. Look how far his head is above his waist. Lame indeed. I wonder what would happen if you poured salt on him?
I don't think they ever coherently explained the deal with Scourge. I mean, it was definitely a Red Skull plot, but how it worked into his grand scheme was never logically explained. Something to do with reducing competition in the supervillain business, I think. Or the Skull could have been doing some Nazi thing and culling those he thought were weak and unfit. Most of the people that Scourge killed certainly fit that category. The thing is, the Scourge operatives' weapon of choice was firing .50-caliber exploding bullets. That is no fucking joke, even to villains who could laugh off say, 9mm rounds.
1. I think people like him should be dropped back into the ocean so they can be free to live amongst their families.
2. The Scourge goes like this.
a. In the 40s there were two superheroes named Angel & Domino. They both met traumatizing times and became hard-hitting vigilantes.
b. They recruited men who thought like them as the Scourges.
c. Domino became the Scourges' informant.
d. Scourge 1 killed Enforcer & told the Avengers about Domino. Reaction: KILLED
e. Scourge 2 kills a lot of the others and mows down guys at the Bar with No Name. Only one survives but dies later.
f. Scourge 2 is caught Reaction: KILLED
g. Red Skull I hired a renegade Scourge to kill off a Commie imposter and thus we lost Red Skull III
h. Vagabond joins the Scourges and is hunted down after refusing to kill lame-ass villain the Matador, since he is a single father who has committed crimes in years and is dirt-ass poor.
i. Vagabond & USAgent stop the Scourge from killing evil businessman Power Broker
j. Mother Night and the Skeleton Crew are "killed" by some holograms of Scourge
k. Kingpin hires an assassin to act like Scourge & stalk the Shocker as a simple distraction
l. Nomad, being controlled by government douche Henry Peter Gyrich being controlled by Baron Strucker of HYRDA, kills some of the Thunderbolts
And finally, Punisher is killing people and being called the New Scourge of the Underworld.
Reaction: I stand up and start clapping. DAMN RIGHT!
Slug recently joined up (like every other mob-like criminal under the son) with the Hood in his super-villain-super-team. He is still really damn fat.
Domino wasn't a 40s hero. He was a former Bloodstone villain from the Conspiracy. All but the Skull-killing Scourge were part of the Angel's Scourge organization.Skull later killed this Scourge for NOT killing a few lame villains. The group fell apart when USAgent tracked them down. During the battle Domino was killed and all but the female Scourge were also killed. She recently showed up in Thunderbolts where Bullseye pitched an eXacto knife into her frontal lobe. I actually liked a few of the Scourge victims:Shellshock and Steeplejack looked cool and Death Adder WAS cool. Yes, I realize what a dork I am for actually following the Scourge thing to completion.
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