- “I’m Bad,” LL Cool J
Thor is the consummate smack-talker of the Marvel Universe.*
Nobody talks a line of shit like Thor. He rarely fails to tell an opponent how powerful he is, or what a big mistake said opponent has made crossing his path, or how bad of a beat-down he’s about to deliver, or brag about the various features of his enchanted mallet Mjolnir. Plus, he's got a natural flair for drama. I'll bet he had to attend Oration class as a young golding at Asgard Prep.
Thor uses the laws of nature unique to comic books to full effect. He goes on at great length about how cool he is between punches. Seriously, the guy could work a Shakespearean sonnet into the time it takes for lightning to strike. This is something all heroes can do, of course, but Thor takes it to another level.
But you know, braggadaccio works for Thor – he comes from an ancient culture where it was acceptable to engage in a little self-promotion.
For some reason, the fact that he’s one of the most powerful beings ever to walk the Earth yet still talks shit does not make Thor a dick. He just gets away with it, pure and simple. Nobody wants to hear Superman brag about how cool he is – he would just come across as a bully – but for Thor, it works.
Thor really uses cultural relativism to his advantage. Yes, he might go on and on about how great he is, but give him a break, he’s a Viking – that’s the way of his people. Don’t judge, man. What do you have against Vikings anyway? Way to be insensitive to other cultures, dick.
You know another area where Thor gets a free pass just because he comes from a traditional culture? That hammer of his, mjolnir. He’s up there with The Frickin’ Hulk in terms of strength, and yet he still carries a huge stone hammer around.
Again, if this were Superman we were talking about, packing a weapon would seem unsporting and cruel. It would be like, “Why does Superman carry that machete around? It’s not enough that he can shoot heat-beams from his eyes, he has to fly around beheading people with a fucking machete, too? Not cool!”
But hey, Thor’s a Norseman, it wouldn’t be PC to call him on his hammer. I think mjolnir is the Norse word for “overkill.”
The best part is that after Thor drops Thanos, he stands over his fallen foe and delivers this kick-ass line (clicketh to enlarge):
That is quality.
In closing, if you're looking to read about a hero who talks shit and can back it up, look no farther than The Mighty Thor. Verily, he doth reign supreme.
And I'm notorious I'll crush you like a jelly bean
*Hercules is a close second, but as a B-list character he doesn’t have as extensive a history of shit-talking as Thor does. His body of work just can’t compare to the God of Thunder’s.