Wednesday, February 01, 2006

THE F*@% YEAH FILES (Movie Version) #4

Because one post is not enough!
I have seen damn near every Chuck Norris film, with the exception of that stupid one. No, not that one. You know, the one with the dog. I refuse to watch that. I also draw the line at Walker, Texas Ranger, which is like Diet Chuck Norris to me. I can’t watch that stuff – too much talking and not enough kicking people in the face.

That’s sort of a funny criticism, because my favorite Chuck Norris movies are the early ones, which are usually paced incredibly slowly, have relatively few fight scenes compared to modern action movies, and feature wooden performances by Chuck. OK, when I say “wooden performances” I’m judging on a sliding scale. He’s as flamboyant and emotive as a drag queen these days compared to his early films like Breaker! Breaker! and Good Guys Wear Black, where Chuck is so inert that you wonder if there is something wrong with your VCR.

For the record, Chuck’s best films are:

- The Octagon, with fuckin’ Lee Van Cleef and a ninja training camp. Lee has this great line I used to always say as a kid: “You’re a moody S.O.B.”

- Silent Rage, with Chuck versus an unstoppable killing machine. Tagline: “Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.” …by kicking the killing machine into a well.

- Code of Silence, with Chuck versus Henry Silva. It’s actually kind of a good movie. Honest.

I’m just trying to establish my Chuck Norris creds. I know he’s en vogue these days with all the kids, thanks to Chuck Norris facts and Conan O'Brien’s Walker, Texas Ranger Lever and the Young Chuck Norris video. It's a little played-out, frankly, and I don’t want people thinking I jumped on the bandwagon or anything. I was rocking the Chuck back in the day, when Bruce Lee fought him in Return of the Dragon.

Having said all that, the Best Chuck Norris Film Ever is:

Have you seen Lone Wolf McQuade? Holy shit! It redefines the word “macho.” It’s got a young Robert Beltran (from Voyager), David Carradine, an evil midget, and Barbara Carrera, of whom one character says: “How’d you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and get dragged to yer death?”
It is literally one of the coolest movies ever made by the hands of man. If aliens landed on Earth tomorrow, I would hand them a copy of Lone Wolf McQuade as an example of the finest art our culture can produce. They should have created a special Oscar just for this movie: Best Ass-Kicking.

Lone Wolf McQuade is like the meaner big brother of Walker, Texas Ranger. It’s a spaghetti western style saga of a maverick bad ass Texas Ranger who loves his dog, his truck, and kicking people’s ass. He reluctantly takes a rookie cop (Beltran) under his wing, beds Barbara Carrera, and runs afoul of a murderous arms smuggling ring led by Carradine. Much ass is kicked on the way, until the bad guys make a fatal error – they kill his dog.

Bad call.

McQuade can drink more than you, kick harder than you, squint longer than you, grow better facial hair than you, and dodge machine gun bullets better than you. His truck is better than yours, too – which brings us to today’s incredibly cool F*@% Yeah moment.

The bad guys have temporarily – temporarily captured Ranger McQuade, and beat him up pretty bad. David Carradine knows how to hurt a guy, so he’s going to kill McQuade and his truck, too by burying them alive. The bad guys back McQuade’s Dodge into a huge pit, throw the barely conscious lawman inside, and then bulldoze a bunch of dirt over the whole deal.

"We're going to kill you and your stupid truck, too."

Inside the truck, Lone Wolf McQuade wakes up, groggy. He’s in the shit now. He reaches down, cracks a beer, and pours it over his head to wake himself up. Turns on the engine. Hits the supercharger --

-- and fucking drives himself out of his own grave!

His Dodge erupts from the earth, red-and-blues flashing. The theme song blares. Angels cry. Dave screams F*@% Yeah!

There are more awesome scenes in the film, but Chuck Norris’ four-wheel drive resurrection is the high point of the film.

No, it’s the high point of film, period.


Anonymous said...

EVERYONE whom I've had a conversation with the Chuck Norris oveure mentions Lone Wolf McQuade as at least their first, second, or third favorite. No exceptions. David Carradine is a magnficient bastard in that.

I like Eye For an Eye a lot because he has to fight Darth Tyrannus to avenge the death of Keiko O'Brien.

Or Hero and the Terror, where he takes out a purse snatcher by flicking his arm while reading the morning paper. Glorious in its minimalism.

Anonymous said...


For some reason, there was this wonderful TV station when I was a kid. The thing that made them wonderful is that they always played "Lone Wolf McQuade" when I had to visit my great-grandparents' house. Watched that movie every single time.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

The Resurrection of Chuck Norris? Sweet.

Chuck Norris: Like Jesus, but with a pickup truck. Jesus should have had a pickup.

Oh, and Chuck Norris doesn't die for your sins. Chuck Norris delivers a roundhouse kick to your head and the impact shatters the stain on your soul, rendering you cleansed, albeit dead. Same basic idea, different style.

Goddamn, I miss Golan-Globus Productions.

Anonymous said...

Awesome! When I saw the start of the post, I thought to myself... he better be getting around to Lone Wolf McQuade! Great mind's think alike, and so do ours!

Anonymous said...

Dave, you had me a "Lone Wolf McQuade".

I remember seeing this movie at the drive-in when I was a small child while I've forgotten much of this movie, this scene has always stuck with me. Do you realize how many lost Hot Wheels I had growing up reenacting this scene?

It's not Air's fucking Lone Wolf!

Whose first ever stage role was Jem in 'To Kill a Mockingbird'.

Edward Liu said...

I read an interview with Chuck shortly after "Lone Wolf McQuade" came out, where he said, "David Carradine is as good a martial artist as I am an actor."

I never liked Chuck much until that point. But I still swing towards the Church of Bruce, myself.

Anonymous said...

Dude, you know you're getting quality when you see Golan/Globus

Bill Reed said...

Sidekicks, man. Sidekicks. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard.

Anonymous said...

As soon as I saw the words "Chuck Norris," I knew where you were going. I remember nothing about Lone Wolf McQuade but Chuck driving that truck out of the ground. It's just one of those moments that stays with you forever.

There are days when I'm driving my Pontiac Montana back and forth to work and I wonder what I'd do if Bad Guys tried to bury me alive in the MiniVan of Doom (MVoD, for short). I suppose I'd eventually suffocate, because although the Montana is the minivan of choice for cowboys, it does not come with a supercharger as standard equipment.

Chris Sims said...

Holy Crap.

As you may know, Campbell, I'm a noted Chuck Norris afficianado, but this movie has somehow completely escaped my notice. So I was reading this post in a calm, collected manner, sipping on a tasty beverage.

...Right up until the F*!@% YEAH moment, when I experienced some kind of... joygasm.

It was beautiful.

zailo said...

Do I own own Lone Wolf McQuade on vhs? Is it about ready to die due to overplaying? Do I care? Yes, yes,and no. Because DVD is a superior format and it is about time.
Dave, you are right. McQuade may as well be the pilot to Walker. He is a Texas ranger in both, has the same attitude in both and most importantly he fights crime the way they did in the Old West: with karate!

NiolK said...

That fucking Willem Dafoe pic is work of fucking art! I think the biggest fuck yeah moment in this blogs history was the unveiling of that fucking pic. FUCK YEAH!

Anonymous said...

I've seen Top Dog...Holy confused end product, Batman. They wanted to do a goofy comedy about a slobbish, maverick cop partnered with a the best of the K-9 unit...and then we have scenes with cops getting capped in the head, apartment buildings being blown up and the white supremacist villians having little slur-filled pep rallies.

Oh, that wacky dog's being so wacky trying to steal someone's jelly donut! THEN CUT TO:


A very confused movie.

Anonymous said...

Despite seven years on the air, I could never take Voyager seriously, because every time Chakotay appeared on screen, I'd flash back to Robert Beltran keeping his end of the bargain in Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills .

IMDB tells me Paul Bartel directed Death Race 2000 ---th F*@%??! Clearly, I need to see this movie again.

Dweeze said...

Not really disagreeing, but wanting to point out that Chuck Norris does not exist without Tom "Billy Jack" Laughlin. Born Losers may have come first, but there are so many F*@% Yeah moments in Billy Jack that it's hard to choose just one. If I had to settle for one, it would be the "I'm going to take this foot and put it on that side of your face and there's nothing you can do about it" scene. And while it's not a F*@% Yeah moment, the line "Damn your pacifism!" screamed by the girl who has just been assaulted is a great bit of dialogue. I often find myself screaming it at strangers out of the blue.

David Campbell said...

Dweeze, I'm with you on this. I loves me the Billy Jack! That line of his is like a sparkling diamond of machoness. Or something. Come to think of it, diamonds aren't that macho.

Anonymous said...

I certainly dig the character of Billy Jack, and his whole 'peace via kicking people in the face' philosophy, but I have to say that the movies themselves are too long, with not enough emphasis on the face-kicking. Not so Lone Wolf McQuade, which is everything a movie should be. My favorite Chuck Norris movie will always be Silent Rage, though. It's seriously, gloriously messed-up.

And Paul Bartel did do Death Race 2000, and anyone who hasn't seen it in a while needs to revisit it. Sylvester Stallone's finest work. Also, Imdb tells me that the UK title of Cannonball! was Carquake, which is like a bazillion times better.

RobB said...

Dave, you had me at

an evil midget

I never saw this movie, but now I have to go buy the DVD.

Then again, aren't all midgets evil?


Anonymous said...

jamawalk: You're gonna like Forced Vengeance. Has some fight scenes that are all kinds of awesome. Chuck really could move back in the day.

Randy said...

Lone Wolf is the Number One Chuck Movie. Forced Vengeance is #2 on that list. That movie serves up some goodly Hong Kong violence. Family fare all around. I mean...yeah....

Anonymous said...

Well, someone had to go and mention Sidekicks, so I have to say it.... Mako rocks!!!! That's right, baybee! Whether it's Voice acting in Samurai Jack, mentoring in Side Kicks or The Big Brawl (as Jackie Chan's uncle), or casting Magic in in Conan, Mako is the true hero of the martial arts movie world!

Tim Easy said...

attaboy Dave! it always warms my heart to see Chuck Norris get some props! For me, the best Chuck film was always "A Force Of One", but I'm right there with you on the "Lone Wolf McQuade" selection too. That whole driving-himself-out-of-the-grave scene is totally worthy of having graced your F@#$ Yeah movie files!

Anonymous said...

Rick, you would probably remember the movie better if you would've gotten out of the trunk.


zailo said...

I was teaching class today and realized that I had not mentioned Norris' movie "the Hitman'. It has a few choice F Yeah moments in it as well as Michael Parks as a grade "A" asshole.
Stick that in your brain's back pocket and smoke it.

Anonymous said...

I saw Lone Wolf as a kid and remembered it for the truck/grave scene. But now, after buying it on DVD for many watchings, I think the first scene holds the greatest moment.
In it, Chuck holds an uzi at his waist and spins, firing off a stream of bullets. Somehow, he kills about six guys that are standing on a hill, nowhere close to in a straight line.
How did Chuck hit them all? Magic.

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