Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Ready Rangers

Cough syrup with codeine is a wicked mistress.

I slipped into a micro-coma last night after a few teaspoons of "Canadian cough syrup" as we call it here in the sunny Northwest, and as a result I was unable to do my planned review/mockery of Greg Horn's J.U.D.G.E., which we'll get to tomorrow.

Today we'll just take a quick look at a dangerously misleading ad from Aurora toys, who want young minds to believe that all their wilderness survival needs will be taken care of by the Ready Ranger Omni-Pack, which has more gadgets than Batman's utility belt. No shark repellant, though.

This comic ad features the Ready Rangers, three stupid white kids who get cut off from civilization by a rock slide when they're off hiking in the wilderness by themselves. They have either forgotten to tell any adults where they were going, or they are neglected latch key kids whose absence won't be noticed by their workaholic or stoned parents - either way, these kids are on their own. Instead of food and water, the kids have their Ready Ranger Mobile Field Pack. One of the stupid fucking kids locates the North Star with the Starfinder -- you know, so they can know which way north is while they freeze to death. I think a compass would have taken up less room than the Starfinder, but what do I know? Another dumb-ass kid yells into a plastic "megaphone" for help - in case any rescue parties are twenty feet away. Finally, the lookout tower spots their Ready Ranger Signal Light and a helicopter is dispatched to winch the kids up to safety, costing tax payers thousands and thousands of dollars.

I say let nature take its course and let the strong and non-stupid survive.

All right, next post: J.U.D.G.E.!


Sean said...

You know, I haven't seen that ad in years. I seem to remember being a kid and thinking that gear looked pretty cool. I also remember the ads for that Bionic Man doll of the robot that could change his face into Oscar Goldman. He had a claw hand. For crushing pipes and breaking chairs and stuff. I really wanted that doll.

I was a lonely little boy.

Anonymous said...

I, Konstantinos Stamoulis, laugh - yet feel content that my request and suggestion to review Greg Horn's J.U.D.G.E. have been respected.

a sincere 'thank you'

David Campbell said...

I'm doing it for you, Konstantinos!

Anonymous said...

again, thank you!!!

Sam said...

I too look forward to your review, because I am IN J.U.D.G.E. Greg used a lot of the guys from his local comic shop as models(he had already killed the owner in Espers)However what ever you say it probibly deserves it.Not exactly a classic comic book. He does however have a shit load of money and is married to the girl on the cover.

d.merrill said...

My brother and I were given the Ready Rangers kit for Xmas one year. It was more or less crap, though it did come with a little tent, which was kind of cool, and we actually did use the periscope for intelligence purposes during our backyard pinecone wars. The megaphone was, yes, completely useless.

Anonymous said...

The ReadyRanger kit was the one toy I always WANTED for Xmas - but never got!

It had some kind of mystical hold on me, probably because of that ad... I was sure that having one of these kits would eventually result in a really cool helicopter ride to safety!

Years later I acquired the kit off of eBay - and it was, as you described - a cheap plastic piece of crap. But at 8 yrs. old it would have meant everything. Thanks Santa... you frickin' prick! LOL

Anonymous said...

I remember my Ready Ranger pack fondly. Wonder what ever happened to it?

I remember it never really snapped back together right after I dropped it once. Ah, good times...good times.

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Anonymous said...

I got the Aurora Ready Ranger Field Pack for Christmas the year it came out and it was one of the best "imagination play" type toys I ever received. I've been a Search and Rescue professional for fifteen years and still have fond memories of the hours I spent playing with that toy. When I close my eyes I can still smell the intoxicating fumes coming off the PVC poncho.