B-List Bad Guys From Back in the Day

I like old shit; sue me.

Once it’s had a chance to dehydrate and season a little, old shit is easier to handle than new shit. With new shit you get so hung up on the smell that it’s hard to value the form and texture of the shit itself. Old shit has been sitting there for a while in the grass, waiting patiently for you to come along and appreciate it, or just step in it. Yep, I like old shit and so do folks like Alex Ross, Grant Morrison, and my dog Trixie.

Oh my God, what the fuck am I going on about? Way to stretch a metaphor to the point of breaking, Dave.

I was going somewhere with the old shit analogy. Just be thankful I stopped myself before I stopped talking about nutty old shit. I think my point was, it’s OK to like old stuff, provided nostalgia doesn’t blind you to the fact that new shit can be pretty good, too. Wallowing in old shit is insular and regressive and unsanitary – if you’re just listening to old Freedom Rock all the time you’ll never get exposed to all the awesome new rock out there.

Let’s abruptly segue away from the poo talk and chat about old school villains.

Man, they don’t make villains like they used to, do they? Sure, there are some exceptions – I thought Prometheus from JLA was pretty cool, and Bearded Dude from Brubaker’s Captain America run, and Cassandra Nova from X-Men was creepy as hell – but most of the heavyweight comic book bad guys were created in the last century. Let’s face it – Doom reigns supreme. How you gonna top that? (psst... click on the picture of Doom to find out what his favorite breakfast food is. Thanks to Dave Lartigue for the pic.)

I've always been a sucker for minor villains in pretty much any medium (e.g., my love note to Arnold Vosloo and his character Pik from Hard Target). The arch-villain's henchman in the Bond movies is often more interesting to me than the arch-villain himself. While you could argue that Kobra is not a minor villain, let's face it, he's not on the A-list. Anyway, after this lengthy and feculent preamble, let's look at some bad ass bad guys.

Deadline - In comic books, if you've got a good character design you're half way there. For whatever reason, Deadline really works for me. I dig his armor, his little Mister Miracle hover discs, and his "NO" logo. A super-tech assassin who can phase through walls, Deadline first appeared in the pages of Starman (the purple and yellow version of the character). Talk about the minor leagues, yeeesh. He's appeared in Aquaman and Flash and Suicide Squad, but has never really caught on with the general public. Except me - I think he's neat-o.


Black Manta - What a cool costume. This Aquaman villain has the distinction of being a member of the Legion of Doom on the SuperFriends cartoon, where I think he was just called "Manta." Black Manta has appeared in tons of comics, but never seems to get the respect he deserves - perhaps because his initials are B.M. I described Black Manta's most hilarious and noteworthy appearance right here, which should give you all the reasons you need to love him as much as I do.


Titanium Man - An armored relic of the Cold War, Titanium Man could have been called Iron Man's Whipping Boy with some accuracy. This Russian juggernaut of emerald evil has been around longer than I have, but my favorite incarnation was in the pages of the X-Men/Avengers mini-series, where it was revealed that the green giant was being piloted by the diminutive and encephalitic villain The Gremlin. That's like two awesome villains in one! I particularly dug Marc Silvestri's design of T-Man. As long as you look cool and act like you know what you're doing, people will like you. I will like you. Wolverine is not so sure, however.


Silver Banshee - Come on, give it to John Byrne - that is a fucking awesome character design. I get the impression that this Superman villainess was intended only for one storyline, but artists liked drawing her so much that she keeps popping up. Art Adams drew a particularly busty version of Silver Banshee on one cover, if I recall. She's dreamy, in a Halloween sort of way.

BTW, Rob Zombie wrote the song "Living Dead Girl" about her, no lie.*

Johnny Sorrow - Cool name? Check. Cool design? Check. Cool power? Oh, yeah.

Geoff Johns created a fake Golden Age back story for this JSA villain, whose interdimensional trip to Cthulhuland gave him a creepy power. If he takes off his mask and you see his "face," you totally die. How does he shave?

Oh. Right. No face.

Crossbones - He's the Anti-Cap, a dirty-fighting son of a bitch who can go toe-to-toe with his nemesis Captain America. No, I'm not talking about Batroc.

First introduced during Mark Gruenwald's legendary run on Cap, Crossbones has been used to good effect in recent years by writers who are as fond of the guy as I am. I think Kieron Dwyer came up with Crossbones' distinctive pro-wrestler/pirate aesthetic, which is part of his charm.

Kobra - The budget-rate Dr. Doom of the DC Universe, Kobra is my favorite B-list master villain. I love him so much I actually devoted an entire week to him. Check it out here, here, here, here, and here. Oh, and here. Here. Here. And here as well. And finally, here. Man, I had a lot to say about Lord Naga Naga. It's because there's so much to love.

OK, let's wrap this up. I think I'm going to have to do another one of these because I didn't even touch on Bolt, Merlyn, Marvel's Jack O'Lantern, or The Bros. Grimm. Next time, I guess. There's a lot of old shit out there...

*This is a lie.

Restaurant code violations, Batman-style

Caveat venditor!

If Batman does not like the way you run your joint, he will shut you down, Dark Knight-style. In Gotham, restaurants, bars, and clubs that run afoul of local ordinances don't get cute little letter grades posted in their front window like they do in L.A.. No, if your tavern gets a "B" grade that means he shuts you down - with a BIG ASS STICK.

In Batman #400, Batman drops in on The Belly of the Whale, a quaint establishment on the Gotham waterfront with a colorful clientele. It's the only place on the East End that has Bludhaven Stout on tap due to an arrangement the proprietor made with some local criminal types. The Belly's local charms are lost on Batman, who finds the following violations:

1. establishment used as a front to push skag
2. no hot water
3. unclean food contact surfaces
4. illegal sub-lease to supervillain (The Riddler)
5. improper food temperatures

Wow. Five violations. That's when Batman puts away the baseball bat and picks up the oar.



After administering his fine/punishment, Batman advises the proprietor on the appropriate course of action to correct the five violations: "Just close." The merchant is free to disregard Batman's advice, but is cautioned that he will return within 24 hours for another inspection - with an even larger stick - perhaps a fence post wrapped in barbed wire.

And that my friends, is why it's safe to eat out in Gotham.

We're back and we're Cracked

Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm eastbound, just watch old Bandit run

-Eastbound and Down
by The Great Jerry Reed

OK, we're back.

The road trip east beyond the Rockies to pick up the Megaforce Destroyer was a success, but very grueling. Fortunately there were three of us, so we switched driving duties while the others caught what sleep they could. We pulled three all-nighters in various weather conditions and arrived back in Seattle totally bleary. Highlights included ghost towns, semi-ghost towns, Yellowstone, fall colors in the Jackson Hole area, a truck vs buffalo showdown (advantage: buffalo), a really mean thunderstorm, a flat tire, nearly running out of gas in the middle of Nowhere twice, evil waitresses, and a lengthy debate on the merits (or lack thereof) of adapting old cartoons and TV shows to film.

The highlight for me was a two-hour hellride in the dead of night along a remote highway in Wyoming that was boiling with animals, all of whom seemed intent on jumping in front of the truck while I drove. Seriously, I felt like one of the cars in Frogger. Every thirty seconds or so, jack rabbits, deer, antelope, or coyotes would loom up in the highbeam glare as they suicidally flung themselves in front of my vehicle. Judging by the amount of gore and carcasses on the road, other drivers had the same experience. Either that or I was following some kind of animal serial killer. That was some nerve-wracking shit. Oh, and I saw a UFO on that road.

But now I'm back and the moustache I had cultivated just for Wyoming has morphed into a big scuzzy growth of stubble that collects lint and scraps of food.

While I was gone the good folks at Cracked.com posted a few pieces I had written for them. The first, written with the Cracked staff, explores the philosophical musings of Wesley Snipes, who has much wisdom and head-kicking to offer us all.

The second piece examines the most disturbing and disturbed sidekicks in history. What force compels the craven bootlicking of Smithers, Renfield, or that guy from Morris Day & The Time who seems to exist only to hold up a mirror to Morris Day. I'm not speaking metaphorically, that's all he does.

So now that my annual road trip is out of the way and I've used up all my vacation time for the fiscal year, I can commence posting on a regular basis again.

No, really. I know you've heard it before baby, but I can change.

Once again, it is ON

I was born a ramblin’ man, and I must listen to the call of the open road.

The spirit of the American highway sings to me, and she sounds a lot like the bombastic lead singer of Four Non-Blondes, wailing, “WHAT’S GOING ON?!!” I don’t know why the American highway sounds like that, and I kind of wish she didn’t, but I must heed the call regardless of how annoying it is.

As a North American, the need to go on a road trip is ingrained in my genetic code. In the New World we are all wanderers, only a generation or so removed from people who come from Someplace Else. The road trip is part of our identity and our culture, from the Conestoga wagons to Steinbeck to Easy Rider. Combine this deep urge to roam with our love of automobiles and crappy food and you have a powerful biological imperative that you can only ignore for so long. You turn to your buddy – you know, the one who understands – and all you have to say is: “Road trip.”

Once again I am teaming up with my pal Bob for our annual adventure. In years past we have launched a 300 mile boating expedition up bear-infested Lake Roosevelt and back, searched for a ghost town in a blizzard, traversed a burning mountain range, crawled through endless volcanic caves, snapped an axle high up in the Bitterroot Mountains, and made a pilgrimage to the fabled Ring of Fire train wreck.

This time: Megaforce.

Every decent road trip has to have a purpose, a goal that transforms the journey from a standard car vaction into a full-on quest. This year we’re traveling to Wyoming to pick up a Megaforce Destroyer – the dune buggy of the future!

Take a look at this clip – at about the fourteen second mark there’s a good shot of the dune buggy. It’s the one SHOOTING THE LASER!

OK, it’s actually just the fiberglass shell of the dune buggy of the future. But it's from Megaforce! Bob bought the actual Megaforce dune buggy shell on eBay and we’re going to pick that bad boy up and bring it back to Seattle, where Bob will bring it back to its former glory. Or so he tells me.

Bob and I are huge Megaforce fans – I’ve discussed at length why Megaforce is one of the greatest movies ever made HERE – so this is right up our alley.

As usual, Bob drives and I plan the route and navigate. This year I’ve picked a route that should take us through four ghost towns, a few abandoned mines, some old railroad tunnels, and a mountain backroad called "Deadman’s Road." I anticipate awesomeness.

Since we are heading east into the Old West, I have decided that I must grow a moustache (pictured). I just have to, it’s important. I know, I look like a date rapist. In retrospect, I should have started growing the ‘stache earlier, because it will not have reached Sam Elliot / Tom Selleck state by the time we start the trip. Maybe I should get a cowboy hat, that might make me look cooler.

Road Trip 2007 is ON. It’s on like the Wrath of Khan. We must live the Megaforce motto: "Deeds not words."

See y’all next week.

Nostalgiametrics: The Science of Today for Yesterday's Crap

Have you ever watched a movie or TV show that you loved as a kid and just been shocked - shocked, I say! - by how crappy it was? Sadly, stuff that seemed great when you were a kid is often revealed to be utter shit, and that can be hard to take. Believe me, I know. I had a full-on existential meltdown when I realized that Charles in Charge was not the comedic masterpiece that I remembered. I was like, "What is truth if this is a lie?"

As a handsome man once said here:

"Nostalgia is deception wrapped in sentiment. Nostalgia is a ghostly lover dressed in a lovely, old-fashioned gown, who beckons you to dance with her, to make love to her… and then she turns into a hideous mummified ghoul who rips your throat out with her teeth and blood gushes and the screaming, my God, the screaming… That is nostalgia."*

Gosh, if only there were some way to scientifically determine whether or not say, an old network TV show sucked or not, so we could spare ourselves the pain and disillusionment...

Well now there is!

Introducing Nostalgiametrics: The Science of Today for Yesterday's Crap

Using the patented Nostalgiametric grading system, we can now quantify a show's suckiness or lack thereof. It's simple: just pick a favorite old TV show, run it through the Nostalgiametric Checklist to assign it quality points, and then add up the points to get your Nostalgiametric Quotient!

Here's the Nostalgiametric Checklist for One Hour Network Television Programs:

_______________________

The Main Guy(s)

• Doesn't suck: +5 points (Incredible Hulk, Wild Wild West)
• Is William Shatner: +5 points (T.J. Hooker, Star Trek)
• Is a Woman: +3 points (Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman)
• Superpowers: +3 points (Man from Atlantis, Greatest American Hero)
• Ex-astronaut: +3 points (Buck Rogers, Six Million Dollar Man)
• Ex-soldier: +2 points (Magnum P.I., BJ and the Bear)
• Ex-convict: +2 points (Rockford Files)
• Ex-cop: +2 points (Booker, Renegade)
• Cop/agent: +2 points (Hunter, Martial Law)
• Hot cop: +3 points (Miami Vice)
• Private eye: +2 points (Spenser for Hire, Vegas)
• Bounty hunter: +2 points (Renegade, The Fall Guy)
• Can fly helicopter/plane/spaceship: +2 points (Matt Houston, Airwolf)
• Mysterious loner who helps people in trouble: +2 points (Kung Fu, The Equalizer)
• Occasionally shirtless: +1 point (Wild Wild West, Starsky & Hutch)
• Always shirtless: +2 points (Magnum P.I., Man From Atlantis)
• Hunted by somebody: +2 points (A-Team, Incredible Hulk)
• Main character totally sucks: -5 points (Manimal, Automan)

Sidekick

• Dog: +3 points (Tales of the Gold Monkey)
• Monkey: +5 points (BJ and the Bear)
• Hot chick: +3 points (Hunter)
• Ernest Borgnine: +3 points (Airwolf)
• Robot/alien: +3 points (Buck Rogers, Alien Nation)
• Master of disguise: +2 points (Wild Wild West)
• Punching bag/goon: +2 points (The Fall Guy, Walker Texas Ranger)
• Dreamboat: +2 points (T.J. Hooker, JAG)
• Comic relief: +2 points (Riptide, Fantasy Island)

Theme Song

• Totally rules: +5 points (Magnum P.I., Six Million Dollar Man)
• Sucks ass: -2 points (Manimal, Misfits of Science)
• Written by Mike Post & Pete Carpenter: +5 points (Hill Street Blues, Rockford Files)
• Spoken word intro: +3 points (A-Team, Charlie's Angels)
• Sung by star of series: +3 points (Walker Texas Ranger, Fall Guy)
• Title of show mentioned in song: +2 points (BJ and the Bear, Love Boat)
• Gratuitous synthesizers: +2 points (The Equalizer, Airwolf)
• Theme song sucks bad: -5 points (Misfits of Science, B.J. and the Bear)

The Cast

• Lone wolf show: +3 points (Kung Fu, Incredible Hulk)
• Buddy show: +5 points (Hunter, Cagney & Lacey)
• Hero + posse show: +3 points (Walker Texas Ranger, T.J. Hooker)
• Ensemble show: +2 points (Love Boat, SWAT)
• Show named after buddies: +3 points (Starsky & Hutch, Tenspeed & Brownshoe)
• Romantic tension: +3 points (Moonlighting, Hunter)
• Old man buddy: +2 points (Hardcastle & McCormick, Jake & The Fat Man)
• Attractive buddies: +2 points (Miami Vice, Charlie's Angels)
• One attractive/one ugly buddy: -1 point (CHIPs)
• Hot chick: +3 points (Dukes of Hazard, Buck Rogers)
• Roddy McDowell: +2 points (Tales of the Gold Monkey)
• Science guy/mechanic: +2 points (Street Hawk, Bionic Woman)
• Patriarchal old dude: +2 points (Battlestar Galactica, Love Boat)
• Frustrated police lieutenant: +2 points (Rockford Files, Starsky & Hutch)
• Pilot: +2 points (Magnum P.I., 240 Robert)
• Token old dude on posse: +2 points (Walker Texas Ranger, Matt Houston)
• Major cast members replaced: -3 points (Airwolf, Dukes of Hazard)
• Minor cast members replaced/added: -1 point (Airwolf, Knight Rider)
• Hot chick added: +2 points (T.J. Hooker)

Transportation

• Normal vehicle: +1 point (Rockford Files, Heart to Heart)
• Boss vehicle: +3 points (Magnum P.I., A-Team)
• Super boss vehicle: +5 points (Airwolf, Street Hawk)
• Crazy ass stunts: +2 points (Fall Guy, Dukes of Hazard)
• Vehicle talks: +2 points (Knight Rider)
• Loaded with custom features: +2 points (Wild Wild West, Star Trek)
• Vehicle has a name: +2 points (Battlestar Galactica, Hardcastle & McCormick)
• Vehicle is frickin' huge: +2 points (Love Boat, Supertrain)
• Vehicle blows shit up: +3 points (Airwolf, Buck Rogers)
• More than one vehicle: +1 point for each extra vehicle (Miami Vice, Riptide)
  

Bonus features

• Two fights + one chase per episode: +3 points (T.J. Hooker, Hunter)
• Weapon/gadget created out of scratch each episode: +2 points (A-Team, MacGyver)
• Characters often pose as exotic dancers: +3 points (T.J. Hooker)
• Has spawned spin-off show: +2 point (Dukes of Hazard, B.J. and the Bear)
• Is spin-off show: -1 point (Enos, Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo)
• Shameless use of stock footage: -1 point (Airwolf)
• Non-lethal gunplay: -2 points (A-Team)
• Fights vampire at least once: +2 points (B.J. and the Bear, Starsky & Hutch, Buck Rogers)
  

_______________________

That's the basic Nostalgiametric Checklist for One Hour Network Television Programs. Now, let's add up all the points and see what your favorite show's Nostalgia Quotient is:

1-20 pts: Sucks ass. Try
to pretend it never existed - everyone else has.

21-25 pts: Some redeeming qualities. Watch it again after drinking a few beers.

26-30 pts: Halfway decent. Buy the DVD. Somebody out there has a website devoted to this show.

31-34 points: Kicks ass.
Begin letter writing campaign to network begging for the
show's return. Write fan-fiction or get a tattoo with the show logo.

35-40 points: Best show ever. Devote your life to this program and bludgeon anyone who speaks ill of it. Create a cult based on show. Name your children after characters on show.

Here are some examples for your reference:

Tales of the Gold Monkey - ABC's 1982 Raiders of the Lost rip-off starred Stephen Collins as Jake Cutter, a pilot/adventurer in pre-war South Pacific. Featured one-eyed dog and Roddy McDowell.

Airwolf

- Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine fly into danger and into our hearts in Airwolf, a super helicoppter. Extra points for awesome theme song, but loses points for replacing the entire cast for the last season. No Borgnine? No love.

T.J. Hooker

- William Shatner, Adrian Zmed, and Heather Locklear keep the streets of L.A. clean in this cop show. Shatner clung from every manner of speeding vehicle known to man, while Zmed and Locklear posed as exotic dancers on regular basis. Loses points for losing Zmed to Dance Fever.

*Wow, what kind of egomaniac quotes himself?

...aaand we're back.

OK, we're back. At my place of work, we have to use up all our vacation time before the end of the fiscal year in October. As a result, half the corporate headquarters packs up and leaves in September to burn off those extra vacation hours, and I am no exception. What have I been doing? Nothin'.

However, at the end of the month my pal Bob and I have yet another Epic Quest planned that should meet or surpass the level of radness of all previous Epic Quests. And that's saying something, since last time we were almost killed by a bear. All I can say right now is that it involves ghost towns, slat flats, and the film Megaforce.

Attached is a clip from the 70's martial arts epic Crippled Masters. Thanks to pal Kevin for the link.

Did everyone see that Iron Man trailer? Did everyone FREAK OUT at its awesomeness? I know I did.

More soon.

Less Than Compelling Covers

(Sorry I've been AWOL recently. I'm working on a big time-consuming project and frankly, even I get burnt-out writing about comics every now and then.)

Comic book covers are designed with one primary purpose in mind: to sell comic books. A cover can be a beautifully drawn masterpiece with holographic effects and 5 naked ladies - if it doesn't get somebody to stop, pick it up, and open the damn thing, the cover has not done its job.

Sometimes we forget this. After all, if you religously buy every issue of Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose **cough Chris Sims cough** then you're going to pick it up regardless of whether the cover blows or not. And when we get Tarot home and have mastur-- um, read it, we're just interested in whether the cover is pretty or not because we bought the damn thing already. But back in The Day, when comics were on spinner racks at 7-11, every cover was designed with commercial, not artistic demands in mind. It's why so many of those old Spider-Man comics from the 70s and 80s show Spider-Man getting his ass kicked or in some jeopardy. The kid browsing the racks would be all, "Holy shit! How's Spidey going to get out of this one? MUST BUY THIS!"

Which brings me to the point of this post. As I often do, I was digging through my back issues and I came across a couple of books with less than compelling covers. It was the cover to Aquaman #53 that did it for me. What about the cover to that comic would compel a casual browser to stop and pick it up? I still don't have an answer.

Take a look:

Pretty much the only thing commercially interesting about this cover is that it promises a guest appearance by Superman. Other than that... The cover asks the burning question: "Who's busier? Aquaman or Superman?" The answer: "Who gives a shit?"

Seriously, aside from the special guest star, why would anyone aside from an Aquaman completist pick this up? "Who is busier?" is not exactly what I would consider a raw, primal conflict. Let's see, Superman wakes up at 5:20, showers and shaves, grabs a bagel and catches the 6:15 train for downtown, arrives at work at 6:40, gets an Americano from the Starbucks in the Daily Planet lobby, has to wait for the damn elevator, gets to his desk at 6:50, checks his email for ten minutes before a 7:00 AM staff meeting, which he's 5 minutes late to because he has to save a drifting oil tanker off the Virginia coast... Let's see, Aquaman's tide clock wakes him at 6:30 SDT (surface dweller time), he hits snooze, wakes up at 7:00, has a breakfast of mussels and caviar while he checks the sports scores in the Tritonis Times, considers going back to bed or shaving... Yeah, Superman's busier. There, now you don't have to get that comic.

Here's a Gen13 cover that absolutely screams: "BUY THIS COMIC (and find out who wins the illegal iguana race)!" While the cover may accurately reflect the story inside, I ask you: is this a comic that demands your attention?

Again, iguana racing is not what I consider high drama. Let's ignore the fact that I actually purchased the comic, shall we?

Here's a Marvel UK comic, Death's Head II, that coasts on the old trick of just adding Wolverine or Spider-Man to a cover. Like most Marvel UK comics, Death's Head II sucked ass, so perhaps this lame cover is truth in advertising. But couldn't they have had Wolvie and 'Head actually doing something? Anything? Drinking tea? Bowling? Flying a kite together? Throw us a frickin' bone, Marvel UK - give us a reason to actually want to buy the book.


Finally, here's a continuity cocktail courtesy of crazy Roy Thomas - What If? vol 2 #36 - which poses the question that has been on fans' lips for decades: What if the Cosmic Avenger battled the Guardians of the Galaxy? Look, it's part 2 of 5. The question was so vast that it could not be contained in one, or two, or even four comics!


I gotta call bullshit on this one. The purpose of the What If? books was to explore paths not taken in familiar storylines. Some of the issues were kind of lame, sure, but at least they stuck to the central concept of the series. Asking what if the Cosmic Avenger battled the Guardians of the Galaxy is just cheating. Nobody aside from writer Roy Thomas knows or even cares who the Cosmic Avengers are. I can't imagine this thing was flying off the shelves.

You know, this was kinda fun. I'm going to have to look for more comics with less than compelling covers - books that lay untouched in comic stores because the covers send the clear message: DON'T BUY ME.

LOOK OUT!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - let me make it up to you:

You gotta watch out, man! You could get kicked in the balls at any time! Just keeping you frosty.

Off Topic: Time Wasting

DLB reader Philip turned me on to this old school Atari 2600 game label generator (which to be fair, he found over at Mike's) and now I've wasted a whole bunch of time screwing around. So, in lieu of actual content, you get this:

7 Easy Steps to Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine - FOR KIDS!

Congratulations, young apprentice! By spending a mere $50 (plus S&H) you have taken your first step on the path to Ultimate Martial Arts MASTERY!!!

If you are 12 or older and strictly adhere to my 7 Easy Steps to Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine, you will qualify to be a member of the Brown Dragon Society and will gain:

• Self-confidence bordering on arrogance!


• Total physical domination over any opponent – even your dad!


• Mastery of your yang, the Brown Dragon Force within us all!


• Special Brown Dragon Wig!


• Privilege of wearing exclusive Brown Dragon Fightwear and Brown Dragon Accoutrements!

Come then my young one and climb the 7 Steps to Ultimate Martial Arts Supremacy.

Step 1. - Make Your Body Into a Thing Like Steel

The first step to Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts Mastery is forging your soft flesh into an invincible suit of living armor, impervious to pain.

In ancient times, Brown Dragon apprentices would stand naked for days at a time atop a hot anvil while old women cursed them and beat their flesh with bamboo canes and spit mouthfuls of goat piss on to their welts.. We lost a lot of apprentices that way, but they were weak.

Unless you have access to a spiteful old crone and a goat, I recommend standing on an empty five-gallon paint bucket and flagellating yourself with a bike chain while listening to appropriate music ( such as Martial Arts Mood, the official Brown Dragon soundtrack, item #BD259 in our catalog). Do this every day after school for six weeks and you will become as hard and as rigid as a sword.

Step 2. Conquer the Brown Dragon Within

The cornerstone of Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts is dominating and harnessing your inner Brown Dragon, the yang force within us all. Unless you can seize control and firmly grasp your yang, you will never become a True Master like me, Lord Xavier Hellfist.

Since ancient times, the Wise Men of the Orient have taught us about the Brown Dragon, the embodiment of the yang that lives coiled deep within each of us. The Brown Dragon is maculine, “dark” energy – destructive and stinky. To become unconquerable in battle, you must grapple with your yang, the Brown Dragon inside you.

The process is deceptively simple. Find a quiet, isolated place, like a garage or tool shed. Light some incense (Brown Dragon Scent, catalog item BD #239) or, if your parents won’t allow it, use some air freshener. Calm your mind. Breathe deeply. Imagine a doorway opening inside you. Invite the Brown Dragon in. Be polite. Then -- defeat it in Psychic Combat!

(NOTE: Failure at this stage may result in brain damage, dementia, or an inflammatory bowel disease. YOU MUST NOT FAIL! GRASP YOUR YANG SERPENT! DEFEAT THE BROWN DRAGON! BECOME THE BROWN DRAGON!)

Step 3. Ball Strike!

I, Xavier Hellfist, won the 1973 World Fighting Arts Championship with this simple but devastating groinal assault – the Ball Strike.

Developed in the 16th century by frisky Shaolin monks who were always rough housing and playfully striking one another’s privates, the Ball Strike has developed over time from an adolescent crotch punching game into an entire fighting discipline, barudo.

The Ball Strike is almost as potent as the Death Punch, but only works on non-neutered male opponents. Avoid using this technique when fighting women, eunechs, or very old men.

To practice barudo, you must have a suitable target. I recommend buying bull testes from your local butcher and double wrapping them in a plastic bag. Hang the bag at crotch level and you are ready to begin.

Visualize your clenched fist as a meteor rocketing down from space and into your opponent’s crotch. Summon the Brown Dragon force within… and then punch. Optional: scream “BALL STRIKE!” as you punch. This will have no effect against bull testes, but will startle a living opponent.

Practice this 1,001 times. When you have attained mastery, practice the Ball Strike using your knees, feet, and steak knives. You are now ready.

Step 4. Fight Dogs

It can be difficult for a young apprentice to find a challenging opponent to test your mastery of Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts. In years past, students would be cast into pits with cobras, wild boars, or pandas to challenge their skills. Unless you live in an area with an abundance of bears, venomous snakes, or aggressive pigs, I recommend that you practice by battling dogs.

Find the meanest dog in your neighborhood and challenge it to one-on-one combat. Often the mere act of stepping into a mean dog’s territory is sufficient to initiate the duel, but you may have to slap the dog in the snout or throw a rock at it. The dog will attack, but your body is like steel and you can harness the Brown Dragon power to defeat it. If you find yourself seriously mauled or bitten, wait until the next day and repeat the process until your victory is complete. Then eat the dog’s liver.

Now you have tasted real combat – and dog liver.

Step 5. Weapons Mastery

Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine means not only forging your body into an Engine of Death, but also becoming adept at the various Brown Dragon martial arts weapons. We recommend purchasing one of the quality weapons from our catalog, like stick ($10.95 + S&H, item BD439) or numchuk ($59.95 + S&H, item BD4310) or combat tine ($14.95 + S&H, BD310) - each comes with the Xavier Hellfist seal of approval and a 6 page instruction booklet.

Step 6. Become the Night

Brown Dragon Martial Arts Masters use stealth as well as force. You must become the night by transforming yourself into a living shadow.

We recommend wearing black clothing (Brown Dragon Body Stocking, catalog item BD #212) and standing completely still in a dark garage for 4-6 hours. If somebody sees you, start the whole process again. At some point you will either pass out, wet your pants, or you will Become the Night.



Step 7. Death Punch

Based on dim mak, the fabled “death touch” of other lesser fighting arts, the Death Punch is 127% more deadly. Ask yourself: what sounds more hardcore, touching someone to death or punching them to death? Ah, you see now, apprentice.

Put simply, the Death Punch is a close-fisted strike that harnesses the power of the Brown Dragon in order to totally kill somebody. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT THE DEATH PUNCH UNLESS YOU HAVE CONQUERED THE BROWN DRAGON WITHIN. The goal is to seriously kill somebody else, not seriously hurt yourself.

In order to master the Death Punch, you will need to practice on something other than a human being. I recommend watermelons, canteloupe, or bowling balls. Mount your target on a post at about eye level. Summon your inner Brown Dragon – feel the power flow through you and into your fist. Then… STRIKE!!! As your fist launches like a missile towards the target, scream “DEATH PUNCH!” At the top of your lungs. If you have done it properly, you will kill the watermelon.

After you have killed 66 melons or bowling balls, you will be ready to test the Death Punch on a living target. Find an annoying brother or sister…

CONGRATULATIONS young master! You are now ready for induction into the ranks of the Brown Dragon Society. Please send $25 to our P.O. Box and you will receive your very own Certificate of Deadliness from Xavier Hellfist himself, PLUS our new catalog! Allow 2-4 weeks for shipping.

MAIL ORDER NINJA TokyoPop, 2006

Either Mail Order Ninja writer Josh Elder and I share a love of the same things (ninja, cheap gags, harmlessly subversive humor) or TokyoPop shrunk down a team of former Cosmonauts and implanted them in my ear while I was sleeping to set up a tiny telepathic listening post in my frontal lobe so they could transmit my innermost fantasies back to their headquarters... and then they published this book. That is how much Mail Order Ninja speaks to me, that is how much Mail Order Ninja resonates with Inner Dave.

M.O.N. is a two-issue black and white paperback manga tale of a boy and his ninja from the folks at TokyoPop (am I doing their name right, with a capital T and a capital P?) that is the perfect gateway drug for young kids who aren't ready for La Blue Girl or Overfiend. Yet.

Kidding! There's not a randy tentacle in sight in this kid-friendly book, which deftly treads the narrow line between cute and cool. Writer Josh Elder and artist Erich Owens really strike the right tone with this book, which manages to be accessible to young readers without being patronizing. If there's one thing kids hate, it's material that talks down to them.

Young Timmy McAllister is a plucky little kid who has to deal with bullies, an obnoxiously rich social diva at his school, and a treacherous little sister. He loves his mom's chocolate chip pancakes and the manga Ninja Warrior Gunshyo above all things in life.

McAllister - who shares the same name as Lee Van Cleef's ninja character in the short-lived TV show The Master, BTW - enters the Ninja Warrior Gunshyo Giveaway in the fall Jacques Co. toy catalog, hoping to score a real live ninja of his own to play with. Yes, he wins the contest. It wouldn't be much of a comic book if he didn't.


That's the set-up. The first of two book just sort of playfully riffs on the central idea of "a boy and his ninja" and the second book features a battle against the aforementioned ultra-rich social diva and her own evil mail order ninja, who also happens to be the sworn enemy of Timmy's ninja. Elder and Owens cram the small pages with visual gags, sitcomy situations, and wry humor. If you don't like one joke, you just have to wait a panel or two before they serve up another.


My favorite bits in the book are the little biographical sidebars that they throw in for even the most minor characters, which are often hilarious. If Mail Order Ninja were a movie, it would be full of Trainspotting-style freeze frames with text for each character. The silent compliance of Jiro the ninja to Timmy's wishes is also pretty funny - he'll gamely play with Timmy up in his room because Timmy is his master, simple as that.

There's a multi-page ad for Jacques Co in the middle of the first book that still cracks me up. Jacques is a beret-wearing reformed arms dealer who decides to make ze children of ze world happy with ze toyz! His toyz are insanely dangerous - and therefore insanely popular.



Mail Order Ninja works on pretty much all levels for me - it speaks to the 13-year old boy inside me. No, I have not devoured a young boy, I'm speaking figuratively. The writing is fun but not pandering, and the art is expressive and, well, cute as hell. I expect great things from Josh Elder in particular, who is carving a strong career for himself as we speak. Yes, that's what that horrible nails-on-chalkboard sound is in the background, it's the sound of Elder carving.

I often hear people (such as myself) bitch about how tons of comics these days are just being written by aging fanboys for a shrinking market of other aging fanboys, with precious little material geared towards younger readers. Well shame on me if I can't sing the praises of a book that caters to a younger demographic without shutting the door on older readers. After all, those young readers will grow up to be the entitled aging fanboys of tomorrow. And isn't that what it's all about?

A goodbye to Mike Wieringo

Newsarama reported that artist Mike Wieringo has died at the age of 44.

Mike Wieringo's credits include Robin, The Flash, X-Men, Fantastic Four, and his own comic creation Tellos. I loved Wieringo's animated-style art, which was characterized by clean lines, a strong sense of structure and form, and a playful energy and sense of fun. My favorite work of his was his run on The Flash - Wieringo drew neat speed effects and one bad ass Wally West. We need more artists like Mike Wieringo in comics, not fewer.

Thanks and goodbye from a long-time fan.

Haappy Birthday Youngster!

Dave's Long Box gives a tip o' the hat and a jaunty salute to Chris Sims of The Invincible Super Blog, who on most days is my nemesis, the Sabretooth to my Wolverine. Today I'm burying the proverbial hatchet on account of it's the young fella's birthday, which means he can legally fornicate with womenfolk in South Carolina. Happy birthday you scrappy lil' rascal (ruffles Sims's hair playfully).

Dr. Slump will see you now, Sims!

Why you no post, Dave Campbell?

Take your pick:

a) I have been having annoyingly mittent (as opposed to inermittent) outages of my Internet service this week, which, in the words of David Lo-Pan, "pisses me off to no end."

b) I just finished a marathon tour of the LiveJournal slashfic community.

c) I shaved my head and began mixing GIANT BEER BOTTLES and psychoactives (like the guy below) which is not a good idea.

Shameless self-promotion: TEMPLAR

Do me a favor and go check out Templar, a comic book that I wrote and co-created with artist Ken Christiansen, who rules.

Templar is a five-issue comic book series full of automatic weaponry, zombies, fu, silver swords, werewolves, submarines, vampires, a demon, some blimps, and a commando assault on The Vatican. It's got everything you need in a comic, except tits. Sorry, no tits.

We decided to "publish" Templar online in this black and white ashcan format. Why?

Because we are pure of heart.

Take a look, won't you? Let me know what you think - unless you hate it, of course.

SUICIDE SQUAD #10 DC Comics, 1987

"Damn! We in trouble now!"

That's Amanda Waller's honest and entirely accurate reaction in SS #10 when she finds out that the Batman has snuck into Belle Reve Prison, the secret HQ of the Suicide Squad. They couldn't say "Holy fucking shit, it's Batman!" in Code Approved books back then, but that in essence is what Mrs. Waller is saying.

In the aftermath of DC's Millenium crossover, which was as robotic and awkward as it's Manhunter villains, the Suicide Squad catches Batman's attention in a bad way. It seems Batman doesn't approve of the Squad making a mockery of the justice system by using incarcerated supervillains to do its dirty work, and then freeing the bad guys when their community service is done. In Batman's opinion, that's unethical, unconstitutional, and just uncool. So he disguises himself as a prisoner, gets transfered to Belle Reve Federal Prison in the swamps of Louisiana... and it's go time.

Batman fakes out the surveillance camera in his cell, breaks out, finds his costume (which he had mailed as a care package), sneaks into the command center, and downloads the files he needs on to a floppy disc. It was the Eighties, man. Even Batman was rocking the floppies.*

The Wall notices something is amiss and returns to the control room...

Batman is in the house!

Batman is in the house!

Batman is in the house!

Now that Batman has "gone noisy" it's time for him to break out of Belle Reve, and if that means beating up the entire prison population, so be it. He pummels a bunch of guards, incapacitates Duchess with some Batgas (thanks to Alfred's garlic lasagna), kicks a dog,** ducks a bullet and cold-cocks Deadshot, and beats the shit out of Col. Rick Flag for five minutes before somebody calls time out.

Time for the stand-off. On one side we have Batman, who is the best in the world at whatever he does. On the other side we have Duchess, Deadshot, an armed and pissed Amanda Waller, unconscious Rick Flag (off-panel) and the evening maintenance crew. Actually, that may be The Moustache Squad - khaki clad daredevils who battle mid-life crisis with ADVENTURE!*** That's a tough call; The Moustache Squad know how to handle themselves and they might tip the scales the Squad's way. Still, Batman is invincible and The Moustache Squad tire easily.

Waller wants the floppy disc with 100k of Squad secrets that Batman took. Batman declines; he knows Waller won't kill him in order to keep their secrets. Despite being surrounded by armed people in the middle of a locked-down maximum security prison, Batman weirdly seems to have the upper hand.

Then The Wall drops The Bomb. She says that she's got a nice set of fingerprints from the cell he was in as a fake prisoner, and unless he backs off she'll use all the intelligence assets at her disposal to find out his secret identity and blow his cover.

What can Batman do? He's screwed. That's what happens when you start Playin' the Wall, my caped friend. Batman gives Waller his floppy.**** He also gives her his word never to speak about their agreement or what he's learned there tonight. "I'll find another way of bringing you down," Batman says as he walks out, unhappy.

Where Duchess comes from, promises are as rare as daisies. She can't believe Waller's letting him go:

Boy, I bet Batman was really upset. That must have been kind of awkward for him just walking out of the prison like that after getting schooled by The Wall. There was a long walk of shame to the Batmobile on that day, brother.

Thus ends Suicide Squad Week! Thanks for coming everybody. Drive safe.

*I swear never to write or utter that sentence ever again.

** Kidding. Batman would never kick a dog.

*** Amusingly, two members of the Moustache Squad have no moustaches and one has a beard.

****I swear never to write or utter that sentence ever again.

Friday Night Fights: Total Makeover, Duchess-Style

Bahlactus commands, and I obey: it's time for another Suicide Squad Week version of Friday Night Fights, the blog meme that asks: when is violence acceptable? Answer: Friday Night!

In Suicide Squad #18, Duchess, the butch beauty from Apokolips, goes up against The Jihad's Manticore II, who has a tail. Duchess likes the tail. She wants the tail. Duchess rips the tail off of Manticore's butt. She beats him with his own tail and spine. The end.

SUICIDE SQUAD #58 DC Comics, 1991

"Welcome to the Suicide Squad, Grant Morrison! Hope you survive the experience!"

Yes, comic book rock star Grant Morrison himself appears in the pages of Suicide Squad #58. Writer John Ostrander and Kim Yale slipped Morrison into the Squad line-up - and promptly kill him off - in what is either sly mockery or affectionate piss-taking, or both.

In this comic, an obligatory tie-in to DC's 1991 War of the Gods crossover event, the sinister anti-hero Black Adam enlists the help of the Suicide Squad for an attack on a witch's island chock full of Uzi-toting Amazons and werewolves. I mean, even Black Adam needs help with shit like that.

Squad leader Amanda Waller assembles a small army of Squaddies and second stringers for the assualt, including "The Writer," a pale emo dude who can alter reality just by writing in his laptop. I don't know what version of FinalDraft he has, but I want it.

"The Writer" first appeared in the now famous Animal Man #26 (DC Comics, 1990) , written by Grant Morrison. At the end of his brilliant head-trip of a run on Animal Man, Morrison broke the fourth wall big time by introducing himself in the comic itself to Animal Man as his writer, his creator and ultimate adversary. It was a very well done issue with a surprising emotional resonance that transcended what could have just been a cheap Twilight Zoney storytelling gimmick.

Ostrander and Yale figured, hell, if Morrison appeared in an issue of Animal Man, then he's part of mainstream DC continuity, right? Fair game, right? In Animal Man #26, artist Chas Truog depicted Morrison / The Writer as a ghostly pale British mod, and Squad artist Geoff Isherwood follows form, although here The Writer is dressed in more practical field attire.

The Writer explains his situation to Firehawk and Silver Swan:

Once their ad hoc superhuman army is assembled, the Squad attacks Amazon Werewolf Island, no doubt to weave some plot point into the narrative tapestry that was War of the Gods, which they should have named Yaaawn! instead.

Our man Grant Morrison is doing pretty good, typing away on his metareality laptop and blowing people away just with the power of Story! Robert McKee would be stoked.

You may have seen this coming, but The Writer gets Writer's Block and then he gets Writer's Killed by a werewolf who has probably never even read The Invisibles and wouldn't appreciate good writing if he ate it. What kind of fucked up world do we live in, where a great writer like that can just get killed by an ignorant werewolf? It's depressing.

Maybe it's not a good-natured diss at G.M., maybe Ostrander & Yale are reminding us that the sensitive, the creative, the odd are always at the mercy of the brutal and the stupid.

I think we've all got some thinking to do, don't we? About how you picked on that one Debate Team guy in Jr High just because he was different and maybe he crapped his pants? Or perhaps you were like Grant Morrison getting attacked by werewolves? How does that feel? Talk about it, let it out.

Thank you, Suicide Squad. Thank you for taking us places in our heads we didn't even know we needed to go.