Nostalgia asks us to model the present on the golden past. It beckons us to look to yesterday, but to look through a veil of delusion that clouds our vision and robs us of our critical faculties. Nostalgia doesn’t want us to remember this simple fact:
SUCK IS ETERNAL
Suck has always been with us, and always will be with us. Just because something was made in the forties or the sixties doesn’t automatically make it not suck. For as long as man has been on this earth, he has produced stuff that sucks ass, and sucks it hard.
Take for example, the primitive cave art in France. Back in the day there were skilled artists among our primitive ancestors, guys that could really draw a buffalo on a cave wall, or whatever. Even back then, I’ll bet you there were other cavemen who weren’t as good as the virtuoso cave painters – they produced pale copies of the good buffalo paintings, or just phoned it in and painted substandard buffalos. In short, they sucked. Their buffalos sucked. *
This suckiness is as much a part of the human experience as the noble passions that inspire people like Gandhi and Bono. It’s almost a shame that we don’t recognize and celebrate this common potential for suckiness in the same way that we celebrate our highest achievements and greatest traits. But then, if we celebrated suckiness it would stop sucking, wouldn’t it? Or perhaps the end result would just be Irony.
Where am I going with all this? I don’t know. Maybe this post sucks.
Oh! Right. Space Ranger. Jeez, this whole thing was just one long preamble to me making fun of Space Ranger. But now I’m burned out; I don’t even have the energy to properly mock him. I guess I’ll just throw a picture of him up and you can imagine what kind of lame jokes I would make about him:
Pretty dopey, huh? With the yellow jumpsuit and shit? Space Ranger is a DC character who is just waiting for Grant Morrison to notice him and turn him into a psychedelic space cowboy. I submit to you, gentle reader, that Space Ranger is not cool merely because he is old. I submit to you that Space Ranger is not cool at all, and I would like to think that if I was a young lad reading comics when Space Ranger was at his prime, I would still think he was not cool.
So there: Space Ranger. Don’t let Nostalgia fill your head with crazy thoughts that make you think Space Ranger is cool, or that you “get” Space Ranger in a detached ironic way. Space Ranger is proof that suck is eternal, that suck is undying, that suck is human.
In short, Space Ranger is like getting punched in the face.
* Just once I'd like to see a documentary with some anthropologist showing us these fabulous primitive cave paintings, where the guy says, "Oh, you know this one? The painting of the antelope hunt? This one kind of sucks. I mean, what is that supposed to be, a hunter? He looks retarded. And that's an antelope? I mean, I know we're talking about stone age man here, but my daughter could draw a better antelope than that, and she's three. It's crap, really."