Friday, November 18, 2005

Space Ranger: Like getting punched in the face. Hard.

Nostalgia is deception wrapped in sentiment. Nostalgia is a ghostly lover dressed in a lovely, old-fashioned gown, who beckons you to dance with her, to make love to her… and then she turns into a hideous mummified ghoul who rips your throat out with her teeth and blood gushes and the screaming, my God, the screaming… That is nostalgia.

Nostalgia asks us to model the present on the golden past. It beckons us to look to yesterday, but to look through a veil of delusion that clouds our vision and robs us of our critical faculties. Nostalgia doesn’t want us to remember this simple fact:

SUCK IS ETERNAL

Suck has always been with us, and always will be with us. Just because something was made in the forties or the sixties doesn’t automatically make it not suck. For as long as man has been on this earth, he has produced stuff that sucks ass, and sucks it hard.

Take for example, the primitive cave art in France. Back in the day there were skilled artists among our primitive ancestors, guys that could really draw a buffalo on a cave wall, or whatever. Even back then, I’ll bet you there were other cavemen who weren’t as good as the virtuoso cave painters – they produced pale copies of the good buffalo paintings, or just phoned it in and painted substandard buffalos. In short, they sucked. Their buffalos sucked. *


-----
"For as long as man has been on this earth, he has produced stuff that sucks ass, and sucks it hard."
-----

This suckiness is as much a part of the human experience as the noble passions that inspire people like Gandhi and Bono. It’s almost a shame that we don’t recognize and celebrate this common potential for suckiness in the same way that we celebrate our highest achievements and greatest traits. But then, if we celebrated suckiness it would stop sucking, wouldn’t it? Or perhaps the end result would just be Irony.

Where am I going with all this? I don’t know. Maybe this post sucks.

Oh! Right. Space Ranger. Jeez, this whole thing was just one long preamble to me making fun of Space Ranger. But now I’m burned out; I don’t even have the energy to properly mock him. I guess I’ll just throw a picture of him up and you can imagine what kind of lame jokes I would make about him:



Pretty dopey, huh? With the yellow jumpsuit and shit? Space Ranger is a DC character who is just waiting for Grant Morrison to notice him and turn him into a psychedelic space cowboy. I submit to you, gentle reader, that Space Ranger is not cool merely because he is old. I submit to you that Space Ranger is not cool at all, and I would like to think that if I was a young lad reading comics when Space Ranger was at his prime, I would still think he was not cool.

So there: Space Ranger. Don’t let Nostalgia fill your head with crazy thoughts that make you think Space Ranger is cool, or that you “get” Space Ranger in a detached ironic way. Space Ranger is proof that suck is eternal, that suck is undying, that suck is human.

In short, Space Ranger is like getting punched in the face.



* Just once I'd like to see a documentary with some anthropologist showing us these fabulous primitive cave paintings, where the guy says, "Oh, you know this one? The painting of the antelope hunt? This one kind of sucks. I mean, what is that supposed to be, a hunter? He looks retarded. And that's an antelope? I mean, I know we're talking about stone age man here, but my daughter could draw a better antelope than that, and she's three. It's crap, really."

37 comments:

David Campbell said...

I'd like to say that I was trying to be funny with my Bono reference - comparing him to Gandhi and all. I'm brave enough not to put a winky face after a joke like that, but cowardly enough that I have to qualify my joke in the comments section of my own blog so people don't think I'm uncool. God, I have no spine.

emoticripple said...

Today's post really struck a chord, Dave.

No, not because I have Space Ranger-related feelings! What do take me for?

You've got gmail.

Rob Schamberger said...

I read that quote at the end as if it were being spoken by one of the Frenchmen from Holy Grail. That made it that much funnier.

Jason Copland said...

Is that helmet he's wearing just to protect his hairdo? And the penis/rocket shaped logo...... Space Ranger does indeed suck eternal.

Great stuff, Dave!

(Long time reader, first time poster)

Edward Liu said...

For a brief moment after seeing the new headline on the RSS feed, I was afraid you were going to bust on Buzz Lightyear. And THAT, mon ami, is something that would NOT stand.

I should have known better. And while a few snarky comments on Space Ranger in the dorky yellow jumpsuit would have been entertaining, your definition of nostalgia, like suck, is forever. Except your stuff doesn't suck.

Motodd said...

Wow, look how Space Ranger pushes that button -- like there's nothin to it. Whatever the case, he seems pleased with himself.

Benari said...

I predict fanboys will soon start blogging about the subversive coolness of Space Ranger the way hipsters watch Golden Girls re-runs.

And when he gets his own Vertigo title, we'll all feel silly. And shame. And an array of sadness.

Michael said...

I remember Spacey from some DC Superstars issues back in the mid-70's. He had this sidekick that looked like one of those pink squishy toys where you squeeze it and its eyes and ears pop out, that was Cryll.

Here's some more on him. This site discusses his spiffy costume: "Space Ranger's costume is cool. It is bright yellow, and emphasizes his musculature. It is full of a vibrantly contrasting purple-magenta trim, which shows up on his gloves, belt, shoulder rings and boots. He also wears green devices on his belt. Such use of "opposite" colors on the color wheel, such as yellow and purple, is a strikingly effective design principle." In other words, it's FAB-u-lous! Maybe he needs to be on Scipio's Heroclix Dream Team.

JR said...

According to various internet sites he had his feature in Mystery in Space removed in favor of Ultra The Multi-Alien.

ArizonaTeach said...

Ah, but read Space Ranger again, knowing what you now know about Wanda.

Kevin Church said...

My grandfather created Space Ranger.

Thanks, Campbell.

The above comment may be a lie.

Word Verification: FEXTSI

Oh yeah, she's totally FEXTSI

dave o said...

I'd have to say that Space Ranger's moment of glory was in the Bizarro Comics trade. Cryll and a bunch of other lame sidekicks (like, Doiby Dickles and Zook level lame) try to band together to shake their co-dependency and boost their self-esteem. Of course, when push comes to shove and Space Ranger comes a callin', Cryll caves in and goes back to his disfunctional relationship, self-esteem be damned.

But, I tell you, if Detective Chimp can come back, anybody can come back.

Captain Infinity said...

Even being a cheesy, retro space hero myself, I am unable to defend Space Ranger.

Harpo said...

What do you want to bet that under that vicious fist to the face there are some serious strands of saliva flying around?

Andy said...

According to various internet sites he had his feature in Mystery in Space removed in favor of Ultra The Multi-Alien.

Heh, that makes the issue of Starman where Space Ranger and Ultra end up sharing a cab even more amusing.

Ryan R said...

Space Ranger should totally team up with Tracy Morgan's Astronaut Jones from SNL.

John DiBello said...

It's not "Space Ranger," people.

Look at the goddamn logo, will you? What does it say? Huh? Go look at it. What does it say?

The Space Ranger.

I tell you, no one gives The Space Ranger the respect his character demands. Demands, I tells ya!

Dan Coyle said...

What the HELL is up with that helmet?

Anonymous said...

"I predict fanboys will soon start blogging about the subversive coolness of Space Ranger"

Hey! I think space ranger is subversively cool!

Dave, Love the first paragraph. "And the screaming." Great stuff.

Walter said...

HAHAHA, Great! Great! And don't worry, we got the Bono joke, and we still think you're cool.

Harpo said...

If you look closely at the background illustrations, you can see that The Space Ranger's helmet is cleverly designed to protect him from vicious flying space balls. Like that wasn't totally obvious...

ticoman said...

You know, that punch at the end of the post kinda sucked, too... You're supposed to hit with the knuckles man, the KNUCKLES!!! What the hell kind of girly punch is that?!

Sheesh.

BTW, Great stuff. I'll definitely add "suck is eternal" to the list of great quotes of the millenium

Dweeze said...

I predict we'll see "What? Are you retarded? I'm the goddam Space Ranger" before the end of the decade.

Martin said...

Suck is eternal
So it is said, for he's the
Goddamn Space Ranger

Phillip said...

I agree with Michael. The Space Ranger is definitely a candidate for Scipio's Heroclix Dream Team. I mean, c'mon!

Anonymous said...

Am I crazy, or does Space Ranger look a lot like Quinn from Sealab 2020 (or, for the hipsters, 2021)?

-1em

Anonymous said...

You're so right, that the golden patina of age and nostalgia is no defense against the cold power of suckiness. Heck, the examples are available by the hundreds...Space Range, Godzookie are but two...

Mister Sinister said...

Space Ranger was recently eaten by Sun-Eaters so that his suck couldn't corrupt the universe any further

Mister Sinister said...

Is he black or white? The Terrible lighting he is in confuses me.

He was killed during IC when people didn't want that kind of suck on New Earth

rex dart, eskimo spy said...

That helmet makes his head look like a penis. Okay, even more like a penis.

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It will not really have success, I feel this way.