Monday, November 21, 2005

The Huge Big Big Superhero Fun Happy Express Activity Fun Fun Book



What a score! I found this at my local library’s book sale for only a quarter.

As the name implies, The Huge Big Big Superhero Fun Happy Express Activity Fun Fun Book is a huge superhero coloring book with games and puzzles. It is seriously the size of a phone book. You could kill a man with this thing. The copy I got is in great shape, completely untouched and uncolored – and all for a quarter.

This is another relic from my childhood – Young Dave had The Huge Big Big Superhero Fun Happy Express Activity Fun Fun Book and spent countless hours coloring in the adventures of Batman and Robin, Superman, and Wonder Woman. I had actually forgotten about this until I saw it on the shelf at the library sale, and then it all came back to me in a rush of memory more powerful than an acid flashback. Not that I would know what an acid flashback is like…

The majority of The Huge Big Big Superhero Fun Happy Express Activity Fun Fun Book is taken up by a bunch of really stupid superhero stories that you could color and try in vain to make sense of, and then at the end of the book there is a bunch of puzzles and riddles and “super” facts. Here’s a sample of the kind of riddles they had:


The super hero stories themselves hearken back to a more innocent age. Before The Joker had graduated to shooting people in the spine, this was the height of his insane evil (click to enlarge):




“Ha ha! I’ve made someone cry!” What a dick!

I don’t know how crazy that is, but it’s just damn mean. Stealing a kid’s report card? That’s cold. Although the kid should be glad that he just lost his report card and not the ability to walk – if that kid crossed paths with the modern Joker he’d be lying gutshot on the sidewalk, tasting his own blood. And then Dr. Light would come in and – well, it wouldn’t be pretty. Count your blessings, kid.

In the second Batman and Robin story, the Dynamic Duo take on The Penguin and his henchmen, the hideous Crow and the sultry lounge singer moll known as The Canary. I’m not sure what the plot is exactly, but it involves a giant octopus and a hurricane and… and… and man, it’s stupid.

During one of the many inconclusive fight scenes, The Penguin shoots Batman in the chest. “Batman -- you’re hurt!” Robin exclaims. Thanks for the update, genius, I think Batman figured that out.

The Penguin and crew escape into a brewing hurricane because Robin is understandably concerned about his mentor’s sucking chest wound. So what does Robin do? He picks up Batman, throws him over his shoulders, and staggers out into the raging storm to find a doctor. Did they not have a car? What a dumbshit.

It dawns on Robin that he’s not going to find a doctor in the middle of the storm, so he – and this blows my mind – he decides to ride out the storm by lashing Batman and himself to a palm tree:



Robin, ever heard of storm surge? And what was wrong with the building you were just in? Do you think spending the night outside in a hurricane is going to a) help or b) hurt Batman, with his sucking chest wound? Boy Wonder my ass.

Fortunately, The Canary lounge singer gal finds Batman and Robin in the morning and drives them to a hospital. She had a change of heart, you see, and gave up her life of crime after Batman saved her from a giant octopus. No, really.

The doctors are too busy with the other hurricane victims to help Batman, but they inexplicably will allow The Canary to use their facilities to operate on Batman. You see, she’s actually a doctor:


She’s a doctor, but she decided to become a café singer because “it paid good money.” Okay. And she carries her medical school diploma in the glove box of the car, which she shows to Robin as Batman slowly dies in the back seat. Okay, sure.

With Robin’s help, The Canary operates on Batman and all is well. Robin then beats the crap out of The Penguin and associates. In the end, the former gangster’s moll decides to give up her life of crime and her ultra-lucrative café singing career to become a doctor again. All is well:




Batman is out of his mind on pain-killers in that panel – he doesn’t even know where he is. And why is everybody facing the “camera?” Who are they talking to?

Bah! The Huge Big Big Superhero Fun Happy Express Activity Fun Fun Book makes no damn sense. I know, perhaps I’m being too hard on the book and am applying unreasonable standards of logic and coherence on what is essentially a coloring book. But damn it, shouldn’t coloring books make sense, too?

At least there’s a bunch of fun puzzles and riddles in the back…



52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, I laughed so hard my boss is going to wonder the hell is going on in my office.

Bill said...

Ah, yes, the Report Card Caper! As I recall, wasn't he stealing seemingly innocuous items for their signatures, so that he could write fake pardons for prisoners? The kid's dad was the governor, or something.

Oh man, that really sent me back.

Scarlett Drake said...

Wow. I totally forgot I had this as a child. I was experiencing weird Deja Vu this entire post. Nothing like watching the Joker steal a report card and thinking, "Hey, I know why that crazy wretch is up to."

Was there a Wonder Woman story in there? Something about table dancing on a disc of pain or something? Please tell me that's an actual childhood memory :)

Rob Schamberger said...

I dig the inking on this, though. Was this during that period where DC was getting slave-labor rates out of the South American crew? It has that feel to it.

808 said...

How in the hell did I miss out on this as a kid? I'm keeping my eyes open for a copy of this.

David Campbell said...

You are correct, Scarlett. There was a Wonder Woman story where blind mole men mad her dance on a pain disc thing - the story also included the All Girl United Nations Band. You didn't know there was such a thing, did you?

Dave Lartigue said...

Looks like it's "The End" for Robin's crotch.

Jedimoto said...

Hey, man...
Don't be knocking the sweet, sweet dough Canary was pulling in as a singer. Surely she was better than Celine Dion, and that retarded, no-talent hag is rich as shit.

Dweeze said...

What's Robin's left hand doing? I'm betting he's either coping a feel or opening up Batman's morphine drip.

Dara said...

"Your Mom!"

Damn, that punchline never gets old.

I wonder if they had this riddle in the book as well: "What's all over Wonder Woman's mouth and makes her mad as hell?"

Dan Coyle said...

Look on the bright side, kiddo: If you tell your dad your report card was stolen by a white clownfaced man in purple suit with green hair, he might have you committed, and no more school!

HammerHeart said...

Was this book [i]meant[/i] to warp young minds, or something? I mean, those riddles are seriously f+&ked-up.

And just like Doctor Light was once a badass and became a wuss, the currently-fearsome Joker was once a wuss who stole report cards. Bad form, Mr. J! If Harley found out, she would never respect him the same way again.

kelvingreen said...

How many palm trees do they have in Gotham, anyway?

DC's version of New England is a crazy place. Tropical trees (and storms) and fault lines a-go-go, baby!

Mark Hale said...

Jeez, how old is Robin in this book? 35? 40?

Dara said...

"What may have wings, but cannot fly?"

Um, I don't know...these?

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Michael said...

The first thing I thought of when seeing the title to this was "Do not taunt the Huge Big Big Superhero Fun Happy Express Activity Fun Fun Book."

That Joker report card panel looks like Ernie Colon pencils, and I thought I saw Carmine Infantino pencils in the palm tree sequence. But the morphine drip panel does look like one of those House of Mystery stories that the Filipinos worked on in the 70's. But that's Dick Giordano on the Wonder Woman illo, especially in the way the eyes and lips are drawn. (Yes, I suppose you could say she's got evidence of Dick in her eyes and mouth, but that would be the wrong way to say it.)

bandini2828 said...

You know, Marvel used to do a ton of stuff like this. They also had a Mighty Marvel kid's cookbook, and a health and fitness book. It's goofy to adults, but kids really related to it, and most of the material was very age-appropriate and effective.
I'm a fifth grade teacher, and last year I wrote a letter to Marvel, praising this kind of thing, and asking if they ever thought about doing more.
Big surprise, I never got a response...

bucky said...

"Dweeze said...
What's Robin's left hand doing? I'm betting he's either coping a feel or opening up Batman's morphine drip."

They are inserting the not-so-popular Bat Butt-plug.

Oscar Blotnik said...

Was this an actual library book? I like the idea of a library with a coloring book section.

J. Kevin Carrier said...

You gotta love a comic where the Penguin is more fierce than the Joker!

It does look like Infantino at least did the layouts on the Batman story, perhaps with various people pitching in on the inks. The Riddler illo is lifted from an old comic, and I'm guessing the Wonder Woman was also.

Mike P said...

Did they show Batman's gaping chest wound at any point?

Chris Sims said...

That Marvel health and fitness book is awesome. Having Medusa from the Inhumans come out and explain how to give yourself a hair-strengthening scalp massage was genius on the level of a Da Vinci or a Jason Bateman.

Dan Coyle said...

Greatest comic book related children's book? Definitely the GoBots book by- I SHIT YOU NOT- Robin Snyder and Steve Ditko.

Let me repeat that, for it bears repeating.

ROBIN SNYDER AND STEVE DITKO.

http://www.ditko.comics.org/ditko/artist/argobot1.jpg

graig said...

Hot damn, what a trip down memory lane. I got this thing in the hospital when I got my tonsils out back in '83 (I also got Return of the Jedi action figures... Gammorrean Guard baby!)

I remember my mom had filled out all the crossword puzzles, which is weird since she never read comics, but also a little cool.

Anonymous said...

dave-

that's fucking funny! that ending.

xie xie!

andre

JP said...

Tell me you doctored that Wonder Woman riddle panel, please! GUNS??!!!

A.L. Baroza said...

"BWANNG"? Whaaa?

This is truly the greatest fucking thing ever published. Dave, you rock.

Word verification: jfuxbzr!

Matthew said...

have you seen any of the modern superhero colouring books?
i had a hulk one and it was brutally bad

Gayest Neil said...

WE NEED A WEEK OF HAPPY HAPPY FUN BIG ACTIVITY WEIRD ASS JOKE SUPER HERO BOOK!
The God's demand more weird ass jokes and insightful commentary on nonsensical black and sepia cartoons!!!

PLEASE!!

Edward Liu said...

bandini2828 sez: "You know, Marvel used to do a ton of stuff like this. They also had a Mighty Marvel kid's cookbook, and a health and fitness book. It's goofy to adults, but kids really related to it, and most of the material was very age-appropriate and effective."

Marvel still does things like this, but the only problem is that you have to buy the coloring book, the health-and-fitness book, the cookbook, the home-improvement projects book, the "What Not to Wear" tie-in book, the home-and-garden book, and the Marvel adaptation of the Kama Sutra, or else you don't get complete information from any of them.

However, Marvel states that you don't HAVE to buy ALL of them -- just the ones you want. You just won't know the missing ingredients for that cookie recipie, when to plant those lilies if you're in a Zone 4 climate, and the little trick that spells the difference between total ecstasy and pain in places you never would have imagined.

David C said...

I remember some of Marvel's books from around this time. One, IIRC, was called the "Fun Book," and the interesting thing about it is that it was, I think a 64 page publication in comic book size, so it sold through the same channels as the comics themselves (as opposed to the alternative world of coloring book distribution.)

Licensed kid-activity books can still be pretty strange. My nephew has an "Avengers" book - quite large, too, somewhat resembling the "Marvel Essentials" or "DC Showcase" books in size. Tons of characters depicted, and not just the obvious ones. A few, I myself had trouble identifying for my nephew's education.

And it was published in 2002 or 2003. But the funny thing about it is that a great deal of the interior art appears to come from the late '80s or early '90s. So they're pushing lots of characters who are already in the obscure or forgotten piles. For example, there were quite a few pictures of Nomad. But the funniest were probably the pictures of Tony Stark, who evidently went through a period where he was styling his hair just like Prince.

Peter MacDonald said...

I remember the Mighty Marvel Fun Book (I think that's what it was called); there were at least three of them and they were trade paperback sized. They were mostly puzzles, though they were in black and white, so I guess you could color them if you wanted to. Anyone remember the Fun and Games comic?

Scott said...

I had several of the Mighty Marvel Fun Books as a kid. They were about magazine sizes, perfect bound, and about 100 pages long. It had those crossword puzzles like the ones you got in elementary school: it took up a whole page, but the puzzle only had about fifteen words that barely intersected. The puzzles were actually fairly hard and needed a lot of obscure comic book knowledge to complete. One puzzle had answers that were all villains whose name started with X (like Xemu, and...?). As an adult fan, I would probably do pretty well, but as a twelve-year old? Not so easy.

David C said...

Ah, I was mixing up titles, I think - my recollection was of Marvel's Fun and Games comic book, I think.

Sarah said...

Do you think spending the night outside in a hurricane is going to a) help or b) hurt Batman, with his sucking chest wound? Boy Wonder my ass.

Dude. You're overlooking the whole "tied up with Batman" thing. Robin's got things besides the storm on his mind!

There's also a DC dictionary which illustrates their definitions with art that looks a lot like the kind on the cover of your book. The definitions are perfectly insane, and the illustrations so arbitrary as to often completely subvert the point of the definition. It's pure genius.

David Campbell said...

I've got that! The DC Super Dictionary! It is insane.

Scipio said...

"Ha ha! I've made someone cry!" is my new motto.

Gods bless you, Dave!

Daggart said...

That is seriously awesome man. I have to ask though, are those the real answers to the riddles? Cause it looks like the answers were photoshopped with comic sans ms or whatever the fonts called.

Don said...

Is that the one with the super maze with Superman and Batman on one end, and their "super sons"--Superboy and "Batboy"--on the other? God, that takes me back.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that I read these in a Batman archive edition, that reprinted the really early stuff from the 30s and 40s. The Joker stealing the report card and the Penguin's accomplices really ring a bell with me.

Mister Sinister said...

Penguin still luckily is an idiotic fatass. He now does even less than before. He now sells super-weapons out of a hole in the ground he "lives" in.
Riddler Factor in play here.

Anonymous said...

Dude, the real reason Robin tied himself and Batman to that palm tree was so he could crank the live version of REO Speedwagon's "Ridin' the Storm Out" during the hurricane. It was the 70's--people were just more committed to rock back then. Also, reefer.

lazy_cg said...

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *gasp* he...stole...the...kids...report...card...
thats just beutiful

Sinister said...

Penguin got grittier and Joker has gotten down back to his extreme psychotic roots. I still can't get over Joker. It's not like a personal low for him. He's just that big of a douchebag to do that. The only douche-ier thing to do was if he just punched the kid in the face or (to be child friendly) dumps his books or throws gum in his hair. Proving that Joker is the guy that was born for us to hate!

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