Friday, November 04, 2005
Lame-ass villain #11 - The Slug
I've learned that it is not cool to make fun of heavyset people. I mean, I'm going bald for Chrissakes, who am I to cast stones at somebody for their physical appearance? Plus, big people can sit on you. Or eat you. (You see how easily I cave when an obvious joke presents itself? Pathetic.)
However, heavyset comic book characters? It's open season, baby.
Witness the latest in the cavalcade of Lame-ass villains: Ulysses X Lugman, the Floridian crime lord known as The Slug.
Get it? His name is Ulysses X Lugman. Lugman? Slug? In the Marvel Universe, your birth name often determines your destiny. Poor Mr. Lugman's fate was predetermined at birth - there was no way he was going to become a male speed skater with a name like that, it's just not possible. If I was born in the Marvel Universe, my name would have been Hugh G. Rection, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Moving on: The Slug is Captain America villain, a less-fit iteration of The Kingpin, who is heavy but ambulatory. The Slug just sort of sits there and rules his criminal empire from a couch, fanning himself.
You would think that a villain of The Slug's girth and mass would pose little physical threat to anyone unless you were a frog or Gilbert Grape, but you'd be wrong. According to The Slug's entry in the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Update, "The Slug possesses the normal human strength of a man of his age and tremendous size who engages in no regular exercise." Fair enough, that makes sense. But The Slug has a trump card: "The Slug is so obese that he can asphyxiate a person in the folds of his flesh."
That's gross. It also seems a little unlikely. How does he get his victims into position, if he can't really move, and he has stubby little arms? Does he have his henchman push people into his rolls of fat? Does he like, lift up one huge breast flap, have a thug insert the victim's head, and then lowers the breast flap, smothering the poor bastard with a big fleshy pillow of breast? I don't know, that's a stretch, even for the Marvel Universe. I think a more likely scenario is:
"The Slug is so obese that he can asphyxiate a ham sandwich in the folds of his flesh."
The Slug, ladies and gentlemen. So. Lame.