Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Jonah Hex Ultimate Spaghetti Makeover!

Man, what the hell is up with Jonah Hex's freaky-ass facial deformity?

An incident in Hex's violent past left part of the Confederate gunslinger's face disfigured, Two-Face style. A molten tomahwak left him with a boogly right eye and a weird strip of flesh that stitches one side of his mouth shut. The end result is a lead-slinging Frankenstein who terrifies children and dogs.

Being frighteningly disfigured would be an asset for a gunfighter like Jonah Hex - I'll bet more than one opponent has been startled by his groteque mug for a split-second too long. On the other hand, having a face like Darkman would make it hard to keep a low profile when there's a price on your head. To say nothing of eating or dental hygiene.

It begs the question:

Why doesn't Jonah Hex at least get that unsightly strip of flesh taken care of?

I know the dude lives during the 19th century, but surely he could find a dentist in some town with a straight razor and some grain alcohol who could slice that sinister skin stitch in six seconds.

Or perhaps a poorly drawn manga girl with scissors could help Mssr. Hex... (prepare for comedy)

29 comments:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

darnit, now ya made me hungry for spaghetti!

Cullen said...

God that is nasty Dave.

Mike P said...

I'm afraid now, Mister Campbell. I'm so very afraid. The sound I am making is meebww, which just happens to be my word verification as well.

ghostman said...

Heh. I love spaghetti Westerns.

Chris Sims said...

I hate you so much, Campbell. So freaking much.

David Campbell said...

I know, baby. I know.

xrundog said...

In his earliest incarnation wasn't that side of his mouth frozen in a perpetual sneer. Seems like his face must have been melted and paralyzed. Some of the later versions are just drawn crappy!

Pretty funny bit with the scissors tho'!

Julian said...

The New DC. There's no stopping us now.

Christ...

Jenn Lauer said...

Awww, y'all're pussies. If you can't handle weird-ass fangirls cutting up weird cowboys' faces, the internet is not the place for you.

I've seen things.

PS: Mr. Campbell, have you ever played the Deadlands tabletop RPG? It's really fun and for some reason I think you'd like it if you collected the Jonah Hex comics.

luke said...

What would have been cooler was if it was Razor Fist cutting the skin-flap thing!

Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

Actually some letter writers years ago postulated the same thing, cutting off the skin flap. And you're right that Jonah's scar did scare the bejesus out of a lot of crooks.

Having a scar like that was definately a bonus for a bounty hunter, folks could recognize him and nobody (except The Chameleon!!!) could claim that they were Hex.

A couple of times Hex was a wanted man, the scar was a liability.

I think that the reason Hex didn't want to get rid of the scar is that he identified with it. It was a product of his time with the Apaches and a betrayal by his step-brother and, of course, his time with the Apaches was a result of being sold by his real father.

The scar, for him, is a constant reminder that society cast him aside repeatedly and now he is making sure that they will never take him back.

Quilty said...

Hex was always out West and likely couldn't retain the services of noted plastic surgeon Gurdon Buck.

SallyP said...

Do not mock Jonah Hex.

So why doesn't he get that flap of skin cut off? Well, 'cause it would HURT! Sheesh!

David C said...

Dave Campbell asks the tough questions!

I've often wondered the same thing - and what the hell *is* that bit anyways? Is it what used to be the side of his lip, or what?

jamawalk said...

maybe that tomahawk also shifted some of his circulatory system, and now you can't cut that flap because it contains too many importan veins and ateries.

or, its full of the most disgustingly putrid puss ever and the town dentist doesn't dare come near that awful smelling patch of awful.

Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

I always viewed Hex's injury as his entire cheek was burnt away, exposing the teeth in the right side of his jaw.

The strip of flesh could just be a part of the cheek near the front or, even more gruesome, a chunk of muscle.

We need a doctor here to diagnose this.

I'm also kind of peeved that in the new series they are hinting that he is blind in the right eye.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

The Secret of Jonah's Skin String? Huh.

Seein' as how he's been dead long enuff for his bones ta bleach whiter'n snow on a Colorado mountain, I figger it's safe for me ta tell ya.

Y'see, ol' Hex weren't just a killin' sort a'man. Nope. He loved hisself the music of the cowboy. Best baritone you ever done heard came out a' that ugly pack o' scars. Yore heart would break if'n you heard him sing "The Streets of Laredo," and that's a fact.

That string a' skin? That string a' skin weren't just for lookin' pretty. No sir. When he'd get to whoopin' and a'hollerin' in a song, he'd pluck that string. He'd pluck it and make some fine music to go with the singin'. Jonah had hisself a mouth-harp stuck to his face for the length of his days.

And that, that was just fine with him.

Now, why don't one a' you inter-netty young'uns get off'n yore butts and get me a mescal? Hnnn...kids today...

Jeff R. said...

I was always under the impression that that strip of flesh was the only thing allowing him to keep his mouth closed at all, and without it he'd just be a slack-jawed, drooling gunfighter...

hydrogenguy said...

Thank you, Dave Campbell, for expressing what has been my main beef with Jonah Hex.

And expressing it with spaghetti.

SanctumSanctorumComix said...

I also long thought that the side of his face was burnt off exposing the left side of his face and teeth, with that flap of skin actualy being a muscle strand that would allow him to ..y'know... USE his mouth at all.
(or at the very least, that SIDE of it)

But, I've only read a few Hex appearances in passing, so I'm not a HEX-pert or anything.

Ugh...sorry.

~P~
P-TOR

TG said...

Can I take this opportunity to confess that I dropped the new Jonah Hex series? I went into it with excitement and high hopes, but, ironically, I think Palmiotti and Grey darkened the character too much, turning him into a stone-cold man of few words. Back in the '70s, Hex was weirdly loquacious-- calling people "skunks" and "polecats" and popping off awkward displays of wit like "Now you, boy, you start looking fur some soft ground where you kin begin digging a hole fur your bushwhacking friend over thar to lie in while ah pour muhself a cup of this coffee and relax a little!" Modern Jonah Hex doesn't ramble on like that, let alone in a bad phonetic southern accent. Normally I'm cool with grim & gritty, but not with the Hex.

sig said...

eBay, Jonah. Someone bought Lemmy Kilmister's facial cocoa-puff, so there's gotta be a market for Hex's lip tendon.

Ed said...

I think the problem with Jonah's skin-dangler is that the artists don't really know what the heck it is, either. In one of the latest issues, he even has facial hair growing on the opposite side of it! Which'd be really gross and uncomfortable, actually.

I'm with the folks that think it's actually the remains of where his mouth used to end, and everything right of it used to be cheek. But I'm not an artist, so what do I know?

Ginger Mayerson www.hackenblog.com said...

Could you at least give Jonah a hot-looking well-drawn manga girl to further mutilate him?

Yeah, I'm having problems with Hex 2.0, too. He's way too withdrawn. Hex of WWT was cold and messed up, but hardly withdrawn, and even had a sense of humor now and then. I mean, in the 70s JH #15 Jonah joins a circus and makes friends with the freaks. That could never happen now, although he seems to have acquired a psychotic mutilated girlfriend named Rachel (I think, I'm too lazy to look at it again).

Matt t. said...

Ya know, I bet smoking was a pain in the ass, too, not to mention dipping snuff (which cowboys did more'n smoke, apparently). I'm sort of digging the new Hex. Well, it's better than Marvel's recent attempt at revamping their Western characters. I don't mind the darker Hex, as I imagine a bounty hunter in the Old West would've been a stone-cold SOB anyway, especially one that's gotten screwed, blued and horribly mutilated like ol' Jonah.

Dunno about El Diablo being revealed as a Spirit of Vengence, though. What is there, like a half-dozen of those things running around loose, from the Spectre to Crimson Avenger to, I gather, Ragman sorta? Reckon if there's a pecking order for that, like if Ragman and CA are pissed off 'cause the Spectre hogs all the really cool vengences.

lazy_cg said...

personally i would get myself a kick ass mask, like the phantom of the opera or hexadecimal...I miss that show

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