I come from the land of the ice and snow... to destroy your website

THIS is the coolest thing ever. Or at least, the coolest thing I've seen today.

Net Disaster has a new Led Zeppelin option that allows you to crash giant rock and roll dirigibles into your favorite or most hated website.


Sometimes I love the Internet.

Thanks to Ragnell for pointing this out.

(I'm only a week behind with my posting! I will catch up with Real Time - this I swear!)

Captain Kirk, please... get some help.

You ever have a friend who is just... different when he/she drinks? I'm not saying that Jim Kirk has a problem, it's just that I get uncomfortable around him when he drinks. So do my dogs.

Dave's Long Box reader Meng Mantasoot inspired this post when he coined the term "The Bill Shatner Beer Face" which is best described by Meng in his own words (or he'll sue me):

"... [it is] a Shatner Acting Technique™ I've dubbed The Bill Shatner BeerFace™, whereby Shatner acts as he has either never tasted alcohol before or that it is of some unbelievable proof and potency as to cause him to wince, then grimace, then look at the glass to make sure it's the same beverage he was sure he poured into the glass. Works with beer, wine, liquor, Romulan Ale, Saurian Brandy and even plain old water. He basically does it when drinking any beverage..."

All hail cover artist Jerome K Moore!

I have sung the man's praises before, but I would be remiss if I let Star Trek, er, Week pass without mentioning artist Jerome Moore's fantastic covers.

More than once I have been persuaded into buying a Star Trek comic I might not normally get because of Moore's deft line work. And when I finished reading the hypothetical comic I would say, "That sucked!" But I still had that awesome cover, and nobody could take that away from me. Without getting stabbed anyway.

So here are a few moore covers (Did you catch that? That was a hilarious pun, FYI.) as well as some inked cover art that I stole from Moore's deviantART site.

Giant Ghost Head Spock disapproves of Kirk and McCoy's hurricane party.

Mmm... Suzy Plakson... If Moore would just draw me a Dr. Selar cover, I could die happy.

Tiny Chekov is trying to grab a little Vulcan boob. Naughty Tiny Chekov!

Cover for a Picard/Q slashfic, "We'll Always Have Paris... In the Butt."

"Spock... multiple Kirks... explain."

A little Star Trek chin music

Dude, you do NOT SCREW with Gold Key Captain Kirk. He will beat your ass if you get sassy with him. Don't look for help from any of the Enterprise crew either, most likely they'll find the whole thing incredibly funny.

WHO'S WHO IN STAR TREK #1 DC Comics, 1986

Look at that cover.

Howard Chaykin, am I right? I loves me that cover.

I am a total sucker for those compendium encyclopedia thingies that DC and Marvel publish like The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe and (to a lesser extent) Who's Who in the DC Universe, so when DC put out a guide to their Star Trek comics, I was on that shit like yellow on corn, baby.

Who's Who in Star Trek follows the same template laid down by DC's regular Who's Who books; it has biographical/historical info on noteworthy Trek characters and creatures paired with graphics of wildly varying quality. On one page you'd get a killer illustration of Khan or The Horta by John Byrne and on the next page you'd get an entry for James Kirk that looks like it was drawn by a fifth-grader with his left hand. A blind fifth grader. With a withered, deformed hand. Such was the nature of all DC's Who's Who books - it was just one big smorgasbord of crap and quality art all smooshed together between two covers.

This particular Who's Who includes both people and aliens from the original series and first couple movies as well as lame-ass Star Trek comic book characters like Konom the Klingon pacifist and Bearclaw, the pastry chef on the Enterprise. When I first flipped through this book it challenged my smug sense of Trekkieness - who were these people? My God, were there actually episodes of Star Trek that I hadn't seen? Then I realized that they were just non-canon comic book characters and totally didn't count and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Phew.

The laughs kept coming as I flipped through some of the entries, which were graced with crude, rushed-looking art. Here's the Chekov entry, take a look:




OK, anchoring the piece we have an unsteady, full-color Pavel Chekov who is looking dangerously thin and perhaps a little drunk. Not everybody can pull off those pirate pants, can they? The collage-thing illustrates Chekov during three formative periods in his life:

1) Finally mastering "Axel's Theme" from Beverly Hills Cop on his Casio,

2) Experiencing a crippling "charley horse", and

3) Getting rounded up by security after a drunken night out on the town.

John Byrne, get on the mike and show us how it's done. Here's Byrne's Khan:

That's how you do it. That's a guy who understands composition, design, and perhaps most importantly, the purpose behind the illustrations for these entries in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I loves me the Who's Who for what it is - I just wish the art was consistent and halfway decent throughout the book. What's the point of getting John Byrne to do art if you've got Ted the Intern on the next page? At the bare minimum, recruit people who know how to put together an image - and that includes backgrounds. Some of the artists skimp a little on backgrounds (see Chekov, above) while others include background art that looks a lot like bathroom tiling or gingham.

Bonus points for Who's Who in Star Trek #1: they include an entry for Deltans, who sort of look like Cirque de Soleil performers with Alopecia. I just love the idea of Deltans and their Planet of Orgies. HOTTT.

Enough petty bitching, here's your Klingon Komedy for the day:

Why I Hate Gold Key Star Trek Comics

Star Trek Week flows on like Big Daddy Kane as we take a look at my decades-old hatred of Gold Key comics, and Gold Key Star Trek comics in particular.

First, I must clarify: when I use the term "week" I don't mean an actual Earth week, I am using a lesser-known definition of "week." It's such a lesser-known definition that only I use it, actually. My "week" lasts from 8 to 12.5 days. I use the term "week" because Star Trek Nigh Fortnight just doesn't sound right to me.

OK, let's talk about Gold Key comics. I only read Gold Key comics on those long summer road trips from California to Saskatchewan, when my dad would buy my sister and me comic books from gas stations in order to keep us quiet. Usually I was rockin' the Batman or the Legion of Super Heroes in the back of the station wagon, but on occasion we'd be stuck in some wasteland far from civilization where the spinner racks were loaded with nothing but Gold Key comic books. As I mentioned previously, I would grudgingly accept the Gold Key comics because I feared the Mark V Backhand* - but I didn't like them.

Gold Key's Star Trek comics seemed like they were produced by bored hacks who had very little interest in the actual source material. They were sort of generic science fiction stories that just happened to be called Star Trek. Sometimes you wondered if the guys writing and drawing these things had actually seen the show, or if they were just working off a couple of dog-eared publicity photos for reference. Even Young Dave could tell these comics bore only a passing resemblance to the Star Trek TV show.

The Gold Key books often featured stories, aliens, and technology that was wildly inappropriate for Star Trek. Here's a taste; check out the giant space genie grabbing the Enterprise:

The artist mistakenly thinks the ship's nacelles are big rockets or something. Don't they know the Enterprise's nacelles house the warp coils??? Stupid Gold Key, ha ha!

OK, here's Baggy Pants Pistol Packin' Karate Spock busting a move:

Is that bearded guy slapping Spock's ass while he dances like a Russian? What the hell?

And the covers! I swear, often the only thing recognizably Star Trekky about the covers was the little photo inserts of Kirk and Spock. It's as if the folks at Gold Key knew that they were producing generic sci-fi and they desperately had to insert some visual branding to distinguish the comics.

Looking back at those painted Gold Key covers, I have to admit - they are pretty awesome. Gold Key's covers were like the last gasp of the old pulp sci-fi magazines. At the time I hated the painted look, vastly preferring the vibrant, lurid covers of Marvel and DC comics, but now I can appreciate them for their hacktacular radness. They weren't Star Trek, but they were something special.

You know, the more I think about it the more I realize that I don't actually hate the Gold Key Star Trek books. They were old-fashioned throwbacks to a less sophisticated age of print science fiction, when pulp tales of alien worlds and swashbuckling spacemen were churned out en masse by tired old men in horn-rimmed glasses. I just loathed them as a child, but Adult Dave can appreciate them for the harmless schlock that they are.

Plus - green haired Kirk. You have to love green haired Kirk.

OK, I've pretty much done a complete 180 and now no longer hate Gold Key Star Trek comics. I'm glad I could work out my feelings from them here with you today. I think I've learned a lot.

My thanks to Kevin Church for the Gold Key panel scans. I paid a heavy price for those images, but I suppose it was worth it.

And now, Spock freaking out on acid:

*Kidding! My father is a wonderful person.

Previously on Dave's Long Box...

Given my affection for Star Trek I'm kind of surprised that I haven't done more posts about it. For the sake of delivering the full spectrum of Star Trek Week goodness, here are links to two previously published posts on the subject.

First, there is the legendary Star Trek/X-Men comic, which is both awesome and not very good. Wolverine does get the Vulcan Smackdown layeth upon his mutant ass, courtesy of Mr. Spock.

That's called "getting Spocked."

Next there is a little post from the F&*% Yeah Files where I sing the praises of the famous "Khaaaan!" scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, one of the greatest moments in Film History.

Ever.

According to a rumour I just made up, William Shatner is a hardcore method actor who really lives his roles. He prepared himself mentally for the emotional scene by meditating every night for a week on how much he hated beloved TV actor Tony Danza. When Shatner roars "Khaaan!" he's really summoning the focused totality of his Danza Hatred. Little trivia for you, there. It just makes the scene all the more powerful if you know that.

STAR TREK: The Orbs of Milos VI

Star Trek Week continues! Here's a cute Lil' Star Trek mural thingy I did on a piece of comic book art paper. I occasionally do stuff like this or this or draw illustrated maps for my kids. Why? Because I am a geek. Some day I'll post more of this stuff. Anyway, I present for your pleasure or lack thereof... The Orbs of Milos VI!

And now, more Kooky Klingons:

STAR TREK #35 DC Comics, 1986

It seems like every comic book publisher – from Gold Key to DC to Marvel to Malibu – has had a crack at Star Trek. The property has been licensed by Paramount to seemingly everybody but Broadsword Comics, but for various reasons such as editorial restrictions and cost, no single publisher has held on to Star Trek indefinitely.

Most of the Star Trek comics I own are from DC, although I think I still have some of those weird-ass Gold Key issues in a long box around here somewhere. I’ll be honest, Gold Key comics were never my first choice – on vacations my dad would stop for gas and we’d beg him for comics and sometimes he’d come back with Gold Key’s Star Trek or Dark Shadows or some shit. “It was all they had," my dad would say. "Be happy you got anything at all.” And then he would hit me. (Kidding! Hi Dad!)

But I digress. Star Trek #35 was the middle of a multi-part storyline written by Len Wein called “The Doomsday Bug." I think I had the Doomsday Bug the other week. This particular Doomsday Bug is a deadly zombie virus, however, and unlike my bug, this one doesn't involve diarrhea. The story revolves around an intergalactic incident caused by the pesky disease. Spock’s life hangs in the balance! Kirk defies orders yet again and gets into a pissing match with a Romulan commander! A plague ship full of Zombulans speeds deep into Romulan territory! Holy shit, dude!

The story is set some time between Star Trek II and III I think, and draws off the designs from those films. The Romulans were nowhere to be seen in the films, so DC got to sort of wing it and make up a new look for these classic bad guys. And by “new” I mean “goofy as hell.” The results were… well, check it out:

I chose this issue because I like the art by veteran penciller Gray Morrow – the characters look like the actors without seeming too heavily photo-referenced, a common pitfall of any Star Trek comic. Seriously, some Star Trek comics draw so heavily on photographs that they might as well just be fumetti. Not here - Morrow manages the tricky balancing act of drawing comic book characters based on real people while still adhering to comic book aesthetics. The coloring is a little washed out, but that might just be the aging twenty year old paper.

Morrow doesn't do so well with the starships, however. Check out the cover - the Romulan ships look OK I guess, but that's supposed to be the USS Excelsior in the center there. It doesn't look any better inside the book - I've included a picture of the movie version of the Excelsior and Star Trek #35's Pregnant Excelsior as a comparison/contrast exercise:


Apparently in space it's really important to have your ship's registry number in HUGE LETTERS on the saucer section for quick and easy identification by binoculars or something.

Aesthetic nitpicking aside, I enjoyed this storyline. It's the kind of Star Trek story I would write: lots of space battles, daring gambits, brinksmanship, and awkward dialogue. Writer Len Wein obviously has some love for Star Trek and its characters, although a couple things stand out.

First, this panel (below). What's wrong with this panel?



This is a pet peeve of mine. "To coin a phrase" means to create an entirely new saying, such as, "That's the cat's banjo!" There. I just coined a phrase. It does NOT mean to use an existing, established phrase. Come on, Kirk, get it right.

My other petty complaint concerns these two panels:

That just seems sort of patronizing to me. Oooh, Kirk is so enlightened that he's willing to turn over temporary command of the ship to - gasp! - a woman while Mr. Scott is in the bathroom. Don't strain anything patting yourself on the back, Starfleet. I understand that this is just Wein's way of saying that Uhura is a capable officer who is much more than just the Enterprise's switchboard operator, but I think the same message could have been conveyed by having Uhura just matter-of-factly taking command without making such a big deal out of it. It's the 24th century, you'd think they'd be well beyond silly 20th century gender politics.

Fun as it is to pick at goofy stuff in comic books, I really enjoyed the Doomsday Bug storyline when I was a youngster and enjoyed re-reading it today. You could do a lot worse in a Star Trek comic, and believe me, people have.

In closing, Star Trek #35 is the cat's banjo.

And now for Klingon Komedy.

Star Trek Week Begins!

I've been feeling kinda Star Treky lately.

I am a big fan of Star Trek in all its many forms. I should qualify that: when I say "big fan of Star Trek" I am speaking in realtive terms, i.e., a big fan compared to normal people. I don't consider myself a Trekkie or a Trekker, I don't speak Klingon, I don't belong to an imaginary starship crew, I have never referred to Gene Rodenberry as "The Great Bird of the Galaxy," I don't dress up in costumes or tell the cashier at the supermarket to live long and prosper, and I don't own a fake bat'leth. I'm not even sure if that's how you spell bat'leth. You know what I'm talking about: that curvy scythe/sword thing Klingons use.

Anyway, although I have not devoted all or part of my life to Star Trek, I still consider myself a big Star Trek fan. The Wrath of Khan is one of my favorite movies of all time - I don't just think it's the best Star Trek movie, I think it's the Best Movie. I've read more than my share of Star Trek books, including those James Blish ones from back in the day.

And yes, I have a bunch of Star Trek comic books which I would like to talk about with you.

So come - join me this week as I look at the worlds of Star Trek through the lens of comic books! I know: through the lens of comic books? That makes no sense.

Added bonus: LOL Klingon screencaps! Everyone loves Klingons - only some p'tahks love them more than others...

Thor vs Superman - who ya got?

I have a feeling that Thor could pretty much kick Superman’s ass.

Hear me out.

I will grant that Superman is stronger, faster, and more impervious to damage than Thor, to say nothing of his heat vision and minty fresh breath. But Thor has centuries of battle experience, a proverbial bag of weather and dimensional tricks, and a big fucking stone hammer. Plus, let’s face it – Thor is cooler.

I have nothing against Superman. I’m an American – I love Superman! If you don’t like Superman you are probably an al Qaeda operative or something. But come on: Thor. Thor, man! Thor is just cool as hell.

I’ve extolled the virtues of Marvel’s God o’ Thunder in my post “Thor: Smack Talker” which I recommend to anyone unfamiliar with the character or not prepared to acknowledge Thor’s supremacy. Go read it, I’ll wait.

Back? Good. Now tell me that Thor isn’t The Shit.

I can accept that the rather juvenile “THOR RULEZ SUPERMAN SUXXIT” argument isn’t really valid. That’s like saying a Star Destroyer could defeat the Next Generation Enterprise because it looks cooler. While that may be true, one has to be able to back up one’s statement with some sort of credible nerdy argument. For instance, a Star Destroyer would totally crush the Enterprise-D because it has all those TIE fighters and a million six laser cannon – it would just swarm over the Enterprise which can fire like, one phaser shot every five minutes or so and would be too preoccupied with trying to hail the Star Destroyer and make friends to put up much of a fight.

OK, let’s break down the argument for and against Thor kicking Superman’s ass:

Superman is stronger – No argument here, but he can’t be that much stronger. Pre-Crisis Superman could shift planetary orbits and all kinds of crazy shit, but once John Byrne relaunched him in Man of Steel, he’s considerably less powerful. Still, Superman beats Thor in arm wrestling. ADVANTAGE: SUPERMAN

Superman is faster – Since DC periodically makes Superman race The Flash and he can do tricks like catch bullets, I’ll give Superman the advantage here. However, DC writers routinely overlook his super speed so I don’t see why I shouldn’t as well. DRAW

Superman has heat vision, icy breath – Superman routinely forgets that he has these powers and would fail to use them effectively in a fight against Thor. Superman should write all his powers down on his forearm with permanent ink so he doesn’t forget. ADVANTAGE: THOR

Superman can fly – So can Thor! Ah, but Superman can fly on his own, whereas Thor flies by hurling his enchanted hammer Mjolnir through the air and holding on for dear life. Superman has to be faster and more maneuverable in mid-air than Thor. ADVANTAGE: SUPERMAN

Thor has more combat experience – First of all, he’s a Norse god. Vikings think he’s bad ass – that’s gotta count for something. Second, Thor has been alive for centuries, if not millennia. I’m sure he’s got Hammer Kata down to an art by now. Superman is in his mid-thirties and was raised in a quiet Kansas town. ADVANTAGE: THOR

Thor can control weather and shit – While I’m guessing that it would take more than a little gust of wind to blow Superman over, I’ll bet a bolt of Asgardian lightning would stagger him a little. Still, that wouldn’t make much of a difference in a fight. DRAW

Thor has a weapon – In a bar fight, who would you choose: Huge Dude or Slightly Less Huge Dude with a Hammer? I rest my case. Superman’s showing up empty handed to a mallet fight. ADVANTAGE: THOR

Thor is magic – Here’s the big kicker. Thor, but more specifically Thor’s hammer, is magical. Superman is vulnerable to three things: kryptonite, magic, and the cheese steak sandwiches they serve in the lobby deli of the Daily Planet. He can’t resist those things. Anyway, not only does Thor have a big frickin’ hammer, but it’s 100% Uru Magic, and it can shoot energy blasts. Forget about it. ADVANTAGE: THOR

As you can see, Thor edges out Superman in a combat situation. There are some mitigating factors – Has Thor been drinking? Would innocents be in danger from the fight? Has Superman had more than one cheese steak sandwich? But more often than not, the God of Thunder doth reign supreme over the Man of Tomorrow.

Aye, verily.

Black Belt Jones - a special DLB/ISB crossover!

My bitter rival Chris Sims often disagree on Big Issues such as which one of us is more awesome, but if there's one thing we can agree on, it's that Gymkata is a fucking awesome movie.

Wait, actually there are TWO things we agree on: Jim Kelly's 1974 blaxploitation martial arts film Black Belt Jones is a near perfect film.

That's why we're calling a truce to celebrate the full-on radness that is BBJ. After you're done here, click on over to Chris's Invincible Super-Blog for Chris's review of this beautiful film that can build bridges between even the most intractable foes. Yes, such is the power of Black Belt Jones.

Like many a young lad, I thought Jim Kelly and John Saxon kicked serious ass in Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon. (Don't even get me started on John Saxon - that guy is 100% Man.) Sadly, Kelly gets his ass killed by the bad guy Han in a scene designed to illustrate how evil and formidable the aging villain is. Weak.

Young Dave always thought Jim Kelly kind of got screwed in that movie, so I was psyched when I discovered Black Belt Jones, a starring vehicle for Kelly that combined the best of both worlds: martial arts and blaxploitation. You can't go wrong with a combination like that. It's like combining a teen coming-of-age story with a cannibal movie - two great genres that were meant for each other. It was even directed by Robert Clouse, the same guy who directed Enter the Dragon! It HAD to be awesome.

Oh, and it is. Black Belt Jones pits our man BB against The Mob when they try to shut down Papa Byrd's inner city karate school. I know: isn't that the plot of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo? Pretty much, yes, but instead of putting on a show, BB saves the school by beating the living shit out of Whitey. Eat it, Whitey!

The movie coasts on Jim Kelly's easy charisma, huge 'fro, and his trademark ass-kicking style which features lots of back hand strikes punctuated by BB's deep "HOYYYYYY!!!!" battle cry.

Don't take my word for it, check out the brilliant opening credit sequence:



That's 100% American ass-kicking right there. If you mess with BB, he will beat the hell out of your crew and SHOOT YOU IN THE ASS.

Is it any wonder why Dave and Chris have called a temporary truce to the feud-that-will-only-end-when-one-of-us-is-dead-dead-dead to sing the praises of Black Belt Jones? Here's a transcript of a conversation between Mr. Sims and myself in The Neutral Zone:

Dave: So, Chris. We share some common interests and an intense rivalry, but will you admit in public that I turned you on to the wonder that is Black Belt Jones?
Chris: Are you asking me to admit in public that you turn me on, Dave?
Dave: Let me rephrase that so that it doesn't illicit the expected innuendo: I, Dave told you, Chris, to watch Black Belt Jones. Which makes me The Master.
Chris: Come on, Campbell! Everybody knows that Bruce Leroy is the Master! Besides, the truth is actually far more embarrassing.
Dave: Well, I'd argue that Lee Van Cleef is the One True Master, but that's neither here nor there. What "truth" are you referring to, young one?
Chris: The sad fact of the matter is, I first got a desire to watch Black Belt Jones from MAD TV.
Dave: Mad TV? Jesus, Sims. You are more dead to me than ever before.
Chris: I know, I know. But back when I was a teenager--which was when you were, what, in your early sixties?--they had a sketch where Dolemite and Black Belt Jones teamed up to make a new movie, and it ended with "You're pretty good fighter... for a badass mothertrucker." It was probably one of the three good sketches in the show's run, and since I was already a fan of Shaft from the life-changing experience of seeing it at fifteen, I immediately needed to see it. But yes, to be fair: You are the one who convinced me to finally get a copy.
Dave: So victory IS mine, in a manner of speaking. What was your favorite part of Black Belt Jones? I know it's hard to pick just one scene.
Chris: Could it be anything but "BATMAN, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Dave: Yeah, that's fucking awesome.
Chris: Although the army of swimsuit models on trampolines was pretty righteous, too.
Dave: You are correct. You may live another day, Sims.

Chris Sims speaks - with his fist!

IRON MAN #126 Marvel Comics, 1979

Many fans, myself included, enjoy bitching about how Marvel has turned Iron Man into a total facist asshole ever since Civil War. How could they get the character so wrong, we ask? Most of us are just hoping he's a Skrull and everything will go back to normal and they'll let somebody like Adam Warren or Jeff Parker write Iron Man and everything will be fine and shhh it's OK to cry.

Since I feel passionate (in a smug, ironic way) about the proper characterization of Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, I decided to go back to those comics I remember and cherish from my youth. You know, the Dave Micheline/Bob Layton era of Iron Man when Tony Stark was a real hero. I found Iron Man #126, a fantastic issue in the Justin Hammer saga. It's written by Micheline with art by John Romita Jr. and inks by Layton. This is the Iron Man of my childhood! Noble, intelligent, cunning, brave...

Hey. What the HELL?!! This Iron Man is a dick, too!

Apparently I forgot that the Tony Stark of 1979 was a major league pimp with a fondness for whiskey sours, fighting dirty, gold chains, and reefer.

In this penultimate issue of the storyline we call in retrospect "Hammer Time," Stark is captured by his new enemy Justin Hammer, a Peter Cushing looking dude that always wears a smoking jacket. You know the type.

Anyway, Stark is kept apart from his armor for the whole issue, so he must use all his cunning and total lack of scruples to survive. I think Micheline was going for a ruthless, debonaire Bondian approach in his portrayal of Tony Stark, but he seems like a violent kung fu synthesis of Larry Dallas, the scuzzy neighbor on Three's Company, Matthew McConaughy's character in Dazed & Confused, and Eric Roberts in Star 80.

Here's Tony Stark sucker punching a guard just for the hell of it. It's been six hours since his last whiskey sour and he's gonna take it out on somebody, damn it.

Tony embodies that late 70's Marlboro Man swinger vibe that might seem cheesy and vaguely creepy to us now that we have a couple of decades of pop culture between us and Iron Man #126, but I assure you that look was very cool in the 70's. Tony Stark would have been a hairy-chested Golden God back in The Day, lord of the discotheque - now he looks like a sex offender who hangs out at truck stops.

One thing that is hilariously consistent - Tony Stark drinks like a fish. Here's a little flashback of Stark unwinding with his pal Mr. Jim Beam after a stressful day:

It's almost as if they're making fun of him, isn't it? Drinking is his second favorite indoor sport. I wonder what the first is? Probably air hockey.

Oh, wait - I think they mean f&%*ing.

Even when Stark is locked up on Hammer's floating estate, his first thought is booze, not escape. Hey, he thinks better after he's had a few, OK? Lay off, man - let's see you design a repulsor ray after swigging a 40 ouncer and a bottle of Nyquil. Here he is trying to talk a vogueing guard into bringing him some frickin' booze, fer Chrissake:

The guard denies his entirely reasonable request, which pisses Stark off to no end. That's when he starts to get all classist and demeaning and plans on showing this mere hourly employee who exactly he is dealing with:

Enraged that this lackey is refusing his request for booze, he lures the uneducated peasant into his room with the old fake hernia gag. "Guard, I have a painful hernia! Come look at it!" That shit works every time.

The guard enters, concerned about his prisoner's abdomenal well-being, and falls into trap #2, the old electrical appliance + pool of water gag. Stark's unique twist on this time-honored gag? That's not water, it's human urine!

That's right. Bring Papa Tony his drinky and nobody gets hurt, a'ight?

Stark does eventually escape from captivity even without his drink and searches for his Iron Man armor so he can turn the tables on Hammer and his small army of B-list villains. If he happens to find a wetbar or wine cellar before he finds his armor, that's OK, too. While hiding from Hammer's goons Stark does stumble across the aging crime lord's personal marijuana crop (left). It's strictly medicinal of course - help's with Hammer's arthritis.

After stuffing a couple of Hefty bags full of weed, Stark continues his search for his armor and maybe some rolling papers...

After a quick detour into a tool shed where he crafts an electric hookah out of a Chevy engine block, a propane tank, and a hair dryer, Stark finds his armor. Wow, he is so high right now. The suit, it looks so shiny... Man, he could go for a pint of Haagen Daaz ... His fingers feel tingly...

Finally at the every end of the comic, Tony Stark suits up and is ready to kick ass once again. Just in time, too, because Hammer's army of second-rate villains has been sent to hunt him down and crush him. Too late. My man Tony Stark has a serious buzz on, he's queued up some Blues Traveller on the suit's MP3 player and he is ready to trip out while he kick everyone's ass. Then it's ice cream time! (OK, no he doesn't really get stoned. That would be wrong. He just drinks.)

The last page is ten kinds of awesome, as Tony strikes a pose and delivers a rambling tough guy speech to the assembled squad of costumed losers:

It sounds best if you sing the last line: "Then I'm coming after you! LOOK OUT!"

OK, so my trip into yesteryear didn't yield any proof of classic Tony Stark's non-dickishness. But it did unearth an example of a smooth, casually cruel character with an unshakable sense of his own place in the world and precisely how awesome he is. I give 1979's Tony Stark zero points for heroic purity and 250 Caruso Points for sheer manly force of personality.