Wednesday, February 01, 2006

THE F*@% YEAH FILES (Movie Version) #4

Because one post is not enough!
I have seen damn near every Chuck Norris film, with the exception of that stupid one. No, not that one. You know, the one with the dog. I refuse to watch that. I also draw the line at Walker, Texas Ranger, which is like Diet Chuck Norris to me. I can’t watch that stuff – too much talking and not enough kicking people in the face.

That’s sort of a funny criticism, because my favorite Chuck Norris movies are the early ones, which are usually paced incredibly slowly, have relatively few fight scenes compared to modern action movies, and feature wooden performances by Chuck. OK, when I say “wooden performances” I’m judging on a sliding scale. He’s as flamboyant and emotive as a drag queen these days compared to his early films like Breaker! Breaker! and Good Guys Wear Black, where Chuck is so inert that you wonder if there is something wrong with your VCR.

For the record, Chuck’s best films are:

- The Octagon, with fuckin’ Lee Van Cleef and a ninja training camp. Lee has this great line I used to always say as a kid: “You’re a moody S.O.B.”

- Silent Rage, with Chuck versus an unstoppable killing machine. Tagline: “Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.” …by kicking the killing machine into a well.

- Code of Silence, with Chuck versus Henry Silva. It’s actually kind of a good movie. Honest.

I’m just trying to establish my Chuck Norris creds. I know he’s en vogue these days with all the kids, thanks to Chuck Norris facts and Conan O'Brien’s Walker, Texas Ranger Lever and the Young Chuck Norris video. It's a little played-out, frankly, and I don’t want people thinking I jumped on the bandwagon or anything. I was rocking the Chuck back in the day, when Bruce Lee fought him in Return of the Dragon.

Having said all that, the Best Chuck Norris Film Ever is:

Have you seen Lone Wolf McQuade? Holy shit! It redefines the word “macho.” It’s got a young Robert Beltran (from Voyager), David Carradine, an evil midget, and Barbara Carrera, of whom one character says: “How’d you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and get dragged to yer death?”
It is literally one of the coolest movies ever made by the hands of man. If aliens landed on Earth tomorrow, I would hand them a copy of Lone Wolf McQuade as an example of the finest art our culture can produce. They should have created a special Oscar just for this movie: Best Ass-Kicking.


Lone Wolf McQuade is like the meaner big brother of Walker, Texas Ranger. It’s a spaghetti western style saga of a maverick bad ass Texas Ranger who loves his dog, his truck, and kicking people’s ass. He reluctantly takes a rookie cop (Beltran) under his wing, beds Barbara Carrera, and runs afoul of a murderous arms smuggling ring led by Carradine. Much ass is kicked on the way, until the bad guys make a fatal error – they kill his dog.

Bad call.



McQuade can drink more than you, kick harder than you, squint longer than you, grow better facial hair than you, and dodge machine gun bullets better than you. His truck is better than yours, too – which brings us to today’s incredibly cool F*@% Yeah moment.

The bad guys have temporarily – temporarily captured Ranger McQuade, and beat him up pretty bad. David Carradine knows how to hurt a guy, so he’s going to kill McQuade and his truck, too by burying them alive. The bad guys back McQuade’s Dodge into a huge pit, throw the barely conscious lawman inside, and then bulldoze a bunch of dirt over the whole deal.

"We're going to kill you and your stupid truck, too."

Inside the truck, Lone Wolf McQuade wakes up, groggy. He’s in the shit now. He reaches down, cracks a beer, and pours it over his head to wake himself up. Turns on the engine. Hits the supercharger --

-- and fucking drives himself out of his own grave!

His Dodge erupts from the earth, red-and-blues flashing. The theme song blares. Angels cry. Dave screams F*@% Yeah!

There are more awesome scenes in the film, but Chuck Norris’ four-wheel drive resurrection is the high point of the film.

No, it’s the high point of film, period.

35 comments:

Dan Coyle said...

EVERYONE whom I've had a conversation with the Chuck Norris oveure mentions Lone Wolf McQuade as at least their first, second, or third favorite. No exceptions. David Carradine is a magnficient bastard in that.

I like Eye For an Eye a lot because he has to fight Darth Tyrannus to avenge the death of Keiko O'Brien.

Or Hero and the Terror, where he takes out a purse snatcher by flicking his arm while reading the morning paper. Glorious in its minimalism.

Sean Warren said...

Yes!

For some reason, there was this wonderful TV station when I was a kid. The thing that made them wonderful is that they always played "Lone Wolf McQuade" when I had to visit my great-grandparents' house. Watched that movie every single time.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

The Resurrection of Chuck Norris? Sweet.

Chuck Norris: Like Jesus, but with a pickup truck. Jesus should have had a pickup.

Oh, and Chuck Norris doesn't die for your sins. Chuck Norris delivers a roundhouse kick to your head and the impact shatters the stain on your soul, rendering you cleansed, albeit dead. Same basic idea, different style.

Goddamn, I miss Golan-Globus Productions.

Macavity said...

Awesome! When I saw the start of the post, I thought to myself... he better be getting around to Lone Wolf McQuade! Great mind's think alike, and so do ours!

Jamie O said...

Dave, you had me a "Lone Wolf McQuade".

I remember seeing this movie at the drive-in when I was a small child while I've forgotten much of this movie, this scene has always stuck with me. Do you realize how many lost Hot Wheels I had growing up reenacting this scene?

It's not Air Wolf....it's fucking Lone Wolf!

Jamie
Whose first ever stage role was Jem in 'To Kill a Mockingbird'.

Edward Liu said...

I read an interview with Chuck shortly after "Lone Wolf McQuade" came out, where he said, "David Carradine is as good a martial artist as I am an actor."

I never liked Chuck much until that point. But I still swing towards the Church of Bruce, myself.

Kyle L said...

Dude, you know you're getting quality when you see Golan/Globus

Bill Reed said...

Sidekicks, man. Sidekicks. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard.

KJToo said...

As soon as I saw the words "Chuck Norris," I knew where you were going. I remember nothing about Lone Wolf McQuade but Chuck driving that truck out of the ground. It's just one of those moments that stays with you forever.

There are days when I'm driving my Pontiac Montana back and forth to work and I wonder what I'd do if Bad Guys tried to bury me alive in the MiniVan of Doom (MVoD, for short). I suppose I'd eventually suffocate, because although the Montana is the minivan of choice for cowboys, it does not come with a supercharger as standard equipment.

glen davis said...

According to imdb, he's got another movie coming out pretty soon called Cutter.

Chris Sims said...

Holy Crap.

As you may know, Campbell, I'm a noted Chuck Norris afficianado, but this movie has somehow completely escaped my notice. So I was reading this post in a calm, collected manner, sipping on a tasty beverage.

...Right up until the F*!@% YEAH moment, when I experienced some kind of... joygasm.

It was beautiful.

gwalla said...

There's a scene kind of like that in Dellamorte Delamore (US title: Cemetery Man, which was a lameass title), except it's a zombie biker driving out of his own grave on a Harley.

zailo said...

Do I own own Lone Wolf McQuade on vhs? Is it about ready to die due to overplaying? Do I care? Yes, yes,and no. Because DVD is a superior format and it is about time.
Dave, you are right. McQuade may as well be the pilot to Walker. He is a Texas ranger in both, has the same attitude in both and most importantly he fights crime the way they did in the Old West: with karate!

NiolK said...

That fucking Willem Dafoe pic is work of fucking art! I think the biggest fuck yeah moment in this blogs history was the unveiling of that fucking pic. FUCK YEAH!

Thorpe said...

I've seen Top Dog...Holy confused end product, Batman. They wanted to do a goofy comedy about a slobbish, maverick cop partnered with a the best of the K-9 unit...and then we have scenes with cops getting capped in the head, apartment buildings being blown up and the white supremacist villians having little slur-filled pep rallies.

Oh, that wacky dog's being so wacky trying to steal someone's jelly donut! THEN CUT TO:

"BROTHERS, WE WILL CLEANSE THE NATION OF THE NEGRO FILTH!"
"HUZZAH!"

A very confused movie.

Jake Saint said...

Despite seven years on the air, I could never take Voyager seriously, because every time Chakotay appeared on screen, I'd flash back to Robert Beltran keeping his end of the bargain in Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills .

IMDB tells me Paul Bartel directed Death Race 2000 ---th F*@%??! Clearly, I need to see this movie again.

Dweeze said...

Not really disagreeing, but wanting to point out that Chuck Norris does not exist without Tom "Billy Jack" Laughlin. Born Losers may have come first, but there are so many F*@% Yeah moments in Billy Jack that it's hard to choose just one. If I had to settle for one, it would be the "I'm going to take this foot and put it on that side of your face and there's nothing you can do about it" scene. And while it's not a F*@% Yeah moment, the line "Damn your pacifism!" screamed by the girl who has just been assaulted is a great bit of dialogue. I often find myself screaming it at strangers out of the blue.

David Campbell said...

Dweeze, I'm with you on this. I loves me the Billy Jack! That line of his is like a sparkling diamond of machoness. Or something. Come to think of it, diamonds aren't that macho.

Anonymous said...

I certainly dig the character of Billy Jack, and his whole 'peace via kicking people in the face' philosophy, but I have to say that the movies themselves are too long, with not enough emphasis on the face-kicking. Not so Lone Wolf McQuade, which is everything a movie should be. My favorite Chuck Norris movie will always be Silent Rage, though. It's seriously, gloriously messed-up.

And Paul Bartel did do Death Race 2000, and anyone who hasn't seen it in a while needs to revisit it. Sylvester Stallone's finest work. Also, Imdb tells me that the UK title of Cannonball! was Carquake, which is like a bazillion times better.

jamawalk said...

I just filled my NetFlix cue with tons of Chuck. Good call, Dave.

The best title? "Forced Vengence."

Now THAT is clever.

RobB said...

Dave, you had me at

an evil midget

I never saw this movie, but now I have to go buy the DVD.

Then again, aren't all midgets evil?

lwcejqc!

Dan Coyle said...

jamawalk: You're gonna like Forced Vengeance. Has some fight scenes that are all kinds of awesome. Chuck really could move back in the day.

Randy said...

Lone Wolf is the Number One Chuck Movie. Forced Vengeance is #2 on that list. That movie serves up some goodly Hong Kong violence. Family fare all around. I mean...yeah....

Macavity said...

Well, someone had to go and mention Sidekicks, so I have to say it.... Mako rocks!!!! That's right, baybee! Whether it's Voice acting in Samurai Jack, mentoring in Side Kicks or The Big Brawl (as Jackie Chan's uncle), or casting Magic in in Conan, Mako is the true hero of the martial arts movie world!

Tim Easy said...

attaboy Dave! it always warms my heart to see Chuck Norris get some props! For me, the best Chuck film was always "A Force Of One", but I'm right there with you on the "Lone Wolf McQuade" selection too. That whole driving-himself-out-of-the-grave scene is totally worthy of having graced your F@#$ Yeah movie files!

Rick Jones, really said...

You had to go and mention "The Octagon." Dude, I must have seen that movie 37 times at The Last Drive-In in Dallas™. I'm not sure I actually remember the movie all that much, but being stuffed in the trunk and drinking all the beer. . . Yeah, that I remember.

Jake Saint said...

Rick, you would probably remember the movie better if you would've gotten out of the trunk.


thankyouverymuch...

zailo said...

I was teaching class today and realized that I had not mentioned Norris' movie "the Hitman'. It has a few choice F Yeah moments in it as well as Michael Parks as a grade "A" asshole.
Stick that in your brain's back pocket and smoke it.

van-doom said...

I saw Lone Wolf as a kid and remembered it for the truck/grave scene. But now, after buying it on DVD for many watchings, I think the first scene holds the greatest moment.
In it, Chuck holds an uzi at his waist and spins, firing off a stream of bullets. Somehow, he kills about six guys that are standing on a hill, nowhere close to in a straight line.
How did Chuck hit them all? Magic.

sexy said...

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,按摩棒,跳蛋,充氣娃娃,情境坊歡愉用品,情趣用品,情人節禮物,情惑用品性易購

免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,免費AV,色情網站,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人影片,成人網站,A片,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,情色網,日本A片,免費A片下載,性愛

A片,色情,成人,做愛,情色文學,A片下載,色情遊戲,色情影片,色情聊天室,情色電影,免費視訊,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊聊天室,一葉情貼圖片區,情色,情色視訊,免費成人影片,視訊交友,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,言情小說,愛情小說,AIO,AV片,A漫,av dvd,聊天室,自拍,情色論壇,視訊美女,AV成人網,色情A片,SEX

情趣用品,A片,免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,色情網站,免費AV,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人網站,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,成人影片,情色網


情趣用品,A片,免費A片,日本A片,A片下載,線上A片,成人電影,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,微風成人區,成人文章,成人影城,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,臺灣情色網,色情,情色電影,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,麗的色遊戲,情色論壇,色情網站,一葉情貼圖片區,做愛,性愛,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,美女交友,做愛影片

av,情趣用品,a片,成人電影,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,aio,av女優,AV,免費A片,日本a片,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,聊天室,美女交友,成人光碟

情趣用品.A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,色情遊戲,色情網站,聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,免費A片,日本a片,a片下載,線上a片,av女優,av,成人電影,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,成人網站,自拍,尋夢園聊天室

Anonymous said...

豆豆聊天室 aio交友愛情館 2008真情寫真 2009真情寫真 aa片免費看 捷克論壇 微風論壇 大眾論壇 plus論壇 080視訊聊天室 情色視訊交友90739 美女交友-成人聊天室 色情小說 做愛成人圖片區 豆豆色情聊天室 080豆豆聊天室 小辣妹影音交友網 台中情人聊天室 桃園星願聊天室 高雄網友聊天室 新中台灣聊天室 中部網友聊天室 嘉義之光聊天室 基隆海岸聊天室 中壢網友聊天室 南台灣聊天室 南部聊坊聊天室 台南不夜城聊天室 南部網友聊天室 屏東網友聊天室 台南網友聊天室 屏東聊坊聊天室 雲林網友聊天室 大學生BBS聊天室 網路學院聊天室 屏東夜語聊天室 孤男寡女聊天室 一網情深聊天室 心靈饗宴聊天室 流星花園聊天室 食色男女色情聊天室 真愛宣言交友聊天室 情人皇朝聊天室 上班族成人聊天室 上班族f1影音視訊聊天室 哈雷視訊聊天室 080影音視訊聊天室 38不夜城聊天室 援交聊天室080 080哈啦聊天室 台北已婚聊天室 已婚廣場聊天室 夢幻家族聊天室 摸摸扣扣同學會聊天室 520情色聊天室 QQ成人交友聊天室 免費視訊網愛聊天室 愛情公寓免費聊天室 拉子性愛聊天室 柔情網友聊天室 哈啦影音交友網 哈啦影音視訊聊天室 櫻井莉亞三點全露寫真集 123上班族聊天室 尋夢園上班族聊天室 成人聊天室上班族 080上班族聊天室 6k聊天室 粉紅豆豆聊天室 080豆豆聊天網 新豆豆聊天室 080聊天室 免費音樂試聽 流行音樂試聽 免費aa片試看A片 免費a長片線上看 色情貼影片 免費a長片 本土成人貼圖站 大台灣情色網 台灣男人幫論壇 A圖網 嘟嘟成人電影網 火辣春夢貼圖網 情色貼圖俱樂部 台灣成人電影 絲襪美腿樂園 18美女貼圖區 柔情聊天網 707網愛聊天室聯盟 台北69色情貼圖區 38女孩情色網 台灣映像館 波波成人情色網站 美女成人貼圖區 無碼貼圖力量 色妹妹性愛貼圖區 日本女優貼圖網 日本美少女貼圖區 亞洲風暴情色貼圖網 哈啦聊天室 美少女自拍貼圖 辣妹成人情色網 台北女孩情色網 辣手貼圖情色網 AV無碼女優影片 男女情色寫真貼圖 a片天使俱樂部 萍水相逢遊戲區 平水相逢遊戲區 免費視訊交友90739 免費視訊聊天 辣妹視訊 - 影音聊天網 080視訊聊天室 日本美女肛交 美女工廠貼圖區 百分百貼圖區 亞洲成人電影情色網 台灣本土自拍貼圖網 麻辣貼圖情色網 好色客成人圖片貼圖區 711成人AV貼圖區 台灣美女貼圖區 筱萱成人論壇 咪咪情色貼圖區 momokoko同學會視訊 kk272視訊 情色文學小站 成人情色貼圖區 嘟嘟成人網 嘟嘟情人色網 - 貼圖區 免費色情a片下載 台灣情色論壇 成人影片分享 免費視訊聊天區 微風 成人 論壇 kiss文學區 taiwankiss文學區

小名 said...

tn chaussuresEnter the necessary language translation, up to 200 bytes winter, moves frequently in China, nike chaussures showing that the deep strategy of the Chinese market. Harvard Business School, nike tnaccording to the relevant survey data show that in recent years the Chinese market three brands, Adidas, mens clothingpolo shirts Li Ning market share at 21 percent, respectively, 20%, 17%. The brand is first-line to three lines of urban competition for mutual penetration. Side of theworld,announced layoffs, while China's large-scale facilities fists. The sporting goods giant Nike's every move in the winter will be fully exposed its strategy. Years later, the Nike, Inc. announced the world's Fan

Violet said...

牙醫,植牙,矯正,矯正牙齒,皮膚科,痘痘,中醫,飛梭雷射,毛孔粗大,醫學美容,痘痘,seo,關鍵字行銷,自然排序,網路行銷,自然排序,關鍵字行銷seo,部落格行銷,網路行銷,seo,關鍵字行銷,自然排序,部落格行銷,網路行銷,牛舌餅婚紗台中婚紗,腳臭,腳臭,腳臭,腳臭,腳臭,腳臭,腳臭,腳臭

Violet said...

高雄婚紗,街舞,小產,雞精,性感,辣妹,雷射溶脂,雙下巴,抽脂,瘦小腹,微晶瓷,電波拉皮,淨膚雷射,清潔公司,居家清潔,牙周病,牙齒矯正,植牙,牙周病,矯正,植牙

Brian said...

Quite useful information, much thanks for this post.
game accessories