That’s sort of a funny criticism, because my favorite Chuck Norris movies are the early ones, which are usually paced incredibly slowly, have relatively few fight scenes compared to modern action movies, and feature wooden performances by Chuck. OK, when I say “wooden performances” I’m judging on a sliding scale. He’s as flamboyant and emotive as a drag queen these days compared to his early films like Breaker! Breaker! and Good Guys Wear Black, where Chuck is so inert that you wonder if there is something wrong with your VCR.
For the record, Chuck’s best films are:
- The Octagon, with fuckin’ Lee Van Cleef and a ninja training camp. Lee has this great line I used to always say as a kid: “You’re a moody S.O.B.”
- Silent Rage, with Chuck versus an unstoppable killing machine. Tagline: “Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.” …by kicking the killing machine into a well.
- Code of Silence, with Chuck versus Henry Silva. It’s actually kind of a good movie. Honest.
I’m just trying to establish my Chuck Norris creds. I know he’s en vogue these days with all the kids, thanks to Chuck Norris facts and Conan O'Brien’s Walker, Texas Ranger Lever and the Young Chuck Norris video. It's a little played-out, frankly, and I don’t want people thinking I jumped on the bandwagon or anything. I was rocking the Chuck back in the day, when Bruce Lee fought him in Return of the Dragon.
Having said all that, the Best Chuck Norris Film Ever is:
Have you seen Lone Wolf McQuade? Holy shit! It redefines the word “macho.” It’s got a young Robert Beltran (from Voyager), David Carradine, an evil midget, and Barbara Carrera, of whom one character says: “How’d you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and get dragged to yer death?”
Lone Wolf McQuade is like the meaner big brother of Walker, Texas Ranger. It’s a spaghetti western style saga of a maverick bad ass Texas Ranger who loves his dog, his truck, and kicking people’s ass. He reluctantly takes a rookie cop (Beltran) under his wing, beds Barbara Carrera, and runs afoul of a murderous arms smuggling ring led by Carradine. Much ass is kicked on the way, until the bad guys make a fatal error – they kill his dog.
McQuade can drink more than you, kick harder than you, squint longer than you, grow better facial hair than you, and dodge machine gun bullets better than you. His truck is better than yours, too – which brings us to today’s incredibly cool F*@% Yeah moment.
The bad guys have temporarily – temporarily captured Ranger McQuade, and beat him up pretty bad. David Carradine knows how to hurt a guy, so he’s going to kill McQuade and his truck, too by burying them alive. The bad guys back McQuade’s Dodge into a huge pit, throw the barely conscious lawman inside, and then bulldoze a bunch of dirt over the whole deal.
"We're going to kill you and your stupid truck, too."
Inside the truck, Lone Wolf McQuade wakes up, groggy. He’s in the shit now. He reaches down, cracks a beer, and pours it over his head to wake himself up. Turns on the engine. Hits the supercharger --
-- and fucking drives himself out of his own grave!
His Dodge erupts from the earth, red-and-blues flashing. The theme song blares. Angels cry. Dave screams F*@% Yeah!
There are more awesome scenes in the film, but Chuck Norris’ four-wheel drive resurrection is the high point of the film.
No, it’s the high point of film, period.