When one thinks of superheroes that get laid a lot, Superman does not spring to mind. It's mostly the Marvel guys, frankly. Oh, sure, Green Arrow is a lucky son of a bitch, and Nightwing gets his share of action, but they don't hold a candle to the Marvel guys like Iron Man or Daredevil. Those guys are stone cold players.
But I was thinking about it, and you know, Superman does OK for himself as far as women go. Sure, he married Lois Lane (we've already established here that he is loyal to her to the point of stupidity) but if you're a DC hero there's always those Elseworlds stories and alternate timelines where you can just go nuts. He certainly has no shortage of women who want to "mess with the S" if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
During Eric Luke's run on Wonder Woman, the "Trinity" storyline featured an alternate reality/fantasy story in which Superman and Wonder Woman hook up. That shot at the beginning of this post of the heroes suckin' face in outer space is from Wonder Woman #141, with booty-licious art by Yannick Paquette. Of course, the status quo cannot be changed, so Supes and Wondy return to their normal lives, but Wonder Woman wistfully remembers what might have gone down, and so do we.
In the "real world" of the current Superman books, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Don't get me started on this; it's worth a whole post. Sorry, married superheroes just don't work for me - it's the ultimate "Jumping The Shark" in the comic book world.
Anyway, Clark and Lois enjoy each other's company, sexually speaking. Here's a scene from Superman #159, by Jeph Loeb with art by Ed McGuinness. Lois+Clark+bath tub+chocolate covered cherries+candles+rubber ducky+Marvin Gaye= Happy Lois.
It's okay, kids - they're man and wife. You can go crazy with chocolate-covered strawberries if you're married; it's not a sin. I have no idea how they got chocolate everywhere like that, though. They must have been really excited.
Speaking of conjugal bliss, here's the cover to Adventures of Superman #574, a storyline that deals with the ramifications of the publication of a picture of Superman with a wedding ring on. Speculation runs rampant: Who is Superman married to? Answer: The Neverending Battle. Duh.
Tell that to Crazy Super-Powered Lady, appropriately named Obsession. She's got a thing for Superman, so she dresses up as Mrs. Superman in an attempt to woo him. Mrs Superman? Clearly Obsession is a staunch feminist. I like her outfit, though...
Superman rebuffs her advances, so of course, they fight. His nobility brings her around and they team up to battle a group of mutated monsters. Obsession takes a hit meant for Superman and dies - or does she? Uh, yeah, she dies.
Speaking of Crazy Super-Powered Ladies, let's talk about Maxima. In the tradition of a hundred million stories where a warrior woman wants to mate with a virile hero, Maxima comes to Erf from the planet Almerac looking for a suitable mate. She's hella strong and tough, so who do you think she picks? No, not Plastic Man. Keep up, please.
That's right, Maxima has the hots for Superman. He rebuffs her. They fight. Later Maxima joins the Justice League, because hey, they need more crazy and dangerous people on the team, and then later joins Captain Atom's Extreme Justice, which should have really been called Bipolar Justice.
During the Adventures of Superman Annual #3, Superman finally gets to have sex with Maxima. This issue is a tie-in to the headache inducing Armageddon 2001 crossover and it kind of cheats a little because Superman has sex with Maxima in an alternate possible future in which Lois dies while pregnant with Clark's baby. The super-powered unborn child kicks in the womb, causing massive internal bleeding and Lois's death. Sounds like somebody read Larry Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex essay, which graphically describes just how incompatible Superman is with Earth females.
Here's the cover, with Superman and Maxima dissing Lois by making out on her grave. I mean, sure, move on with your life, Clark, but have some respect!
In the Annual, the stupid time-travelling Waverider pulls a Ghost of Christmas Future on Superman and shows him a possible reality in which he leaves Earth after his wife's death and hooks up with Maxima. His heart still belongs to Lois, and Maxima is kind of psycho, so it takes a while, but eventually they get down to it and have the super sex. Of course, it's only a dream/alternate timeline/Elseworlds story so it doesn't count ...
And then there's a classic John Byrne Action Comics two-parter which features Superman and Big Barda, and a none-too-happy Mr. Miracle. "Superman and... my WIFE?!" In this storyline, the Apokalips villain Sleez captures Big Barda on Earth and mind-controls her. When Superman tries to rescue her, he gets mind-whammied as well.
So, of course, Sleez decides to make a porn movie with Barda and Superman. I am so totally not kidding.
As I think I've demonstrated, Superman is a player.
He may not be in the same league as Tony Stark or Matt Murdock, but he's had his share of boom-chika-boom.
You go, Superman!
37 comments:
but then you have that story where HE TURNS DOWN WONDERWOMAN during Ragnarok and all those other stories don't seem plausible.
I never understood why there were so many "Superman + Wonder Woman" stories of the late 80s/early 90s.
I don't care if they are more or less the iconic male and females of DC Comics.
I just don't see them being all that into each other.
Supes/Maxima cover is my favorite of all the Superman covers, ever. It's so cruel, yet so sexy!
You missed the story where Wonder Woman and Superman are trapped together in another dimension for a thousand years. I think Joe Kelly wrote that about five years ago or so. As I recall, it wasn't that bad. . .
I also liked the issue he did around the same time on WONDER WOMAN with Phil Jimenez, where Lois Lane interviews DIana.
Wait, that first story I mentioned is the same as the one Shane is talking about, isn't it? UGH, I have a horrible memory for details.
Nah, he's covered the Supes/Wonder Woman/Ragnarok issue. It's the one he links to at the beginning of the post, actually. :)
"Maxima" looks like Jean Grey to me. She must have been bored with a choice between boring and hairy and zipped over to the DCU for a bit of action, the hussy.
And that last panel "you've earned the name man of steel" creeps me out for some reason.
What's sad is that Lois was thinking of Alfred when she said that.
"the Apokalips villain Sleez"
they don't make comics like they used to...
< sigh >
ps All-Star Superman by Morrison & Quitely is approaching and it will kick so much ass that it will seem scientifically impossible (at first)
the cover to...what is it? Action 600 has a great WW/Supes cover as well. I always liked the idea of her better than lois when i was growing up, partly because of how lois was written in superman's gf: Lois Lane & early Worlds Finest.
You've left out my new recent favorite: Superman and the new Metropolis SCU cop.
She's all walking around naked in front of him and asking him if wants to bone her. That Greg Rucka is subtle as all hell.
Which, of course, always reminds me of the joke I heard as a kid where Superman is flying around, sexing up all the superhero ladies he sees as super speed so they don't know. Then, spying Wonder Woman writhing naked on the ground, he swoops in, lays some pipe and takes off.
After which the invisible man (I know, I know, not part of the DC universe) is all, "Damn, my ass hurts!"
I'm so glad I'm 14 years old in the head.
What is that poking out of the tub? Wow, I never realized the REAL superpower of a Kryptonian...
Oh, wait, it's his knee. Never mind.
I think it's Adam Hughes on that WW cover, no?
Oui, that is Mssr. Hughes.
I'm generally a fan of Adam Hughes - his recent Catwoman covers are awesome - but check out the shoulders on Wonder Woman on this cover! She is frickin' buff!
Out of all of Superman's girlfriends, I liked the idea of Lori Lemaris best, Man of Steel and Mermaid, what could be better?
What the hell's so super about eating chocolate-covered cherries with a fork?
Damn, I forgot about Lori! Perhaps she deserves a post of her own...
There's a line in the Alan Moore Supreme about how some Supremes have their Judy Jordans, and others have their Diana Danes. Kal-El gets the shaft and usually ends up with neither Lois nor anybody else.
A pity Superman can't live in the Supremacy, I guess.
I think they did bring back Obsession as Strange Visitor, and killed her off again in "Our Worlds at- oh, who the fuck cares about this one? We killed Aquaman and Guy Gardner and Jeph Loeb pissed all over Roosevelt."
I hope that's chocolate they're spattered with. Even so, it's still a little puzzling. So they were . . . eating cherries . . . so energetically . . . that chocolate was splashed around the room? Fut the whack?
Yes, they brought back Obsession as Strange Visitor, which would be totally forgettable if not for the Bill Sienkiewicz 2-page spread that made the pseudo-manga art on the title look that much goofier.
That'll teach me to click on links. I didn't even see that he linked to that previous post.
I've always kinda liked the goofy Lois stories in her own title, but since the 80's she's gotten really lame.
Whoops. Yeah, that was linked to earlier in the story. Even worse - I remember reading it already. UGH I'll just shut up now.
What about Lana Lang?
Or his wife from FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
Clearly I need to do a "Superman, Super-Player Part Deux"
Puzzling Evidence:
Almerac is an anagram for Caramel! It's a scientific fact.
Didn't they kill Maxima in Our Worlds At Disjointed, Appalling Crossover as well? What was it - kill Superman's Old Stalkers week? Kind of makes you wonder about Hippolyta. Or Aquaman.
Also, what's with Superman's hands on the cover of Adventures of Mrs. Superman?
The cartoon 'For the Man Who Has Everything' smooshed together Lana and Lois's names somehow, I can't remember, so he could have BOTH.
Who knew that Superman even had genitals? I mean, he's not from Earth, so you can't automatically expect that he has/had them (he could have come from a race of eunuchs, you don't know...)
dr.pants said...
You've left out my new recent favorite: Superman and the new Metropolis SCU cop.
She's all walking around naked in front of him and asking him if wants to bone her. That Greg Rucka is subtle as all hell.
Which issue was this?
RE: The WONDER WOMAN with Phil Jimenez, where Lois Lane interviews Diana. The cover of that screams 3-way. Dude, he's Superman he deserves it. But a 3-way with Supes and WW, Lois would be exhausted.
what about batman? he got some ass. as a billlionaire playboy he got some major tail.
though i gotta say Supes' is kinda a prick for doin' it on lois's grave, and for doin' it with his teammates's wife.
Though i gotta wonder what his porn name was. Let's see there's the Man of Steel of course but can anyone top that?
I declare a challenge for people to find a better porn name for superman.
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