MARVEL TWO-IN-ONE Marvel Comics, 1979

If you don’t like The Thing, you are a frickin’ communist, end of story.*

For my money, Marvel Two-In-One is the ultimate Thing series. Sure, he was in Fantastic Four and had his own book, The Thing, but I thought Marvel Two-In-One was the most fun. Each issue featured The Thing and a co-star (hence the Two-In-One title), but really, it was just a Thing solo book. Half the time The Thing would team up with regular heroes like Dr. Strange and Black Panther, and the other half he would “team up” with lame second-stringers like Triton, The Aquarian, and Quasar. That’s right, I just took a shot at Quasar. Regardless of who the co-star was, Marvel Two-In-One always had a lot of clobberin’, and that’s never a bad Thing. Heh-heh.

This particular issue is part of the ongoing “Project Pegasus” saga, in which The Thing defends the top-secret Project Pegasus from attack and skullduggery with the help of Wundarr, Quasar, and the black Giant-Man, who I love. I just think he’s a cool looking character and wish he had stuck around. Anyway, in this issue Thundra, the warrior woman from Femazonia, leads a commando team of super-powered female wrestlers called The Grapplers on a secret mission into Project Pegasus. Seriously, I can’t make shit like that up.

Let’s take a look at The Grapplers:



Yes, that’s the Screaming Mimi, who would go on to become “Songbird” in Kurt Busiek’s awesome Thunderbolts series. And there’s Poundcakes, who would go on to become your junior high gym teacher. I know it’s a comic book, but who would let herself be called “Poundcakes?”

Thundra does battle with The Thing while the rest of the super-powered female wrestlers fight Quasar and Giant-Man. The Thing, who has a hurt arm, gets knocked around by the Femazonian she-wrestler, who has a thing for The Thing. Heh. Man, I am on fire today!

That’s right, Thundra – who, let’s face it, is kind of sexy in a Chyna kind of way – has the hots for The Thing. They are fated to be mates because he’s powerful and he’s good in a fight – traits that Femazonians admire.

I don’t want to get into a discussion about Ben Grimm’s rocky anatomy here, because there’s probably plenty of bad fan-fiction that covers that ground. But surely it must have crossed Thundra’s mind that The Thing might be, you know, rocky all over. I mean, how would that work? There isn’t enough KY jelly in the world to make that an enjoyable experience. So I don’t know where she’s coming from with this “fated to be mates” crap.

Although maybe Femazonians get their kicks in different ways:



Wow, Thundra. Was that good for you?

I should quit while I’m ahead.

This is just a great, goofy old-fashioned comic book slug-fest, written by Mark Gruenwald (that explains Quasar’s presence) and Ralph Macchio with art by Perez and Day. The cover is by John Byrne, who did a lot of work on Marvel Two-In-One back in the day. I think the whole thing is keen.

To me, this issue represents a sense of fun that I think a lot of Marvel books lack these days. Times change, I guess, but sometimes I wish superhero comics had that old four-color whiz-bang quality to them and were actually written for kids instead of thirty-something geeks like me. Don’t get me wrong, I think superheroes can encompass a variety of different genres and themes, but I don’t think they all have to be fucking Greek tragedies. That’s just me, though.

Bonus! This issue has a letter from Young Kurt Busiek, who would go on to write some of my favorite modern comics, like Thunderbolts and the now legendary Busiek/Perez run on The Avengers. Kurt’s one of those guys that remembers why we all liked comics in the first place, and it shows in his work. Young Kurt Busiek (now a mini-series event from NBC!) was a regular letter writer to Marvel Two-In-One. Here’s an excerpt:

“Here’s a suggestion: The time has come for Colonel Nicholas Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. to return to his own book. You’ve finally got the artist for it in Frank Miller. […] Frank Miller would do an excellent Nick Fury. C’mon, you’re gonna be doing a spy book with the Black Widow. If she can swing it, why not Fury?”

As they say on Fanboy Rampage: Busiek wins. Too bad Marvel didn’t heed Young Kurt Busiek’s wise words. If only I could step in my Wayback Machine and make Frank Miller work on a Nick Fury book after he finished Daredevil. Sigh…

UPDATE: Thanks and mad props to reader Jason "Thrillcox" Wilcox for pointing out this dope page re: the Project Pegasus storyline in Marvel Two-In-One. It's a great overview... if you speak French, that is. Fortunately I do, as well as Pushtu and Tagalog.

*This applies to both the comic book character and the John Carpenter movie.