Sunday, October 28, 2007

Brace yourself for an odyssey into TERROR!

Halloween draws nigh, so I welcome you to Terror Week here at Dave's Long Box. Suit up, my friends, because like Donald Pleasance and Racquel Welch you and I are about to embark upon a Fantastic Voyage into the core of your reptilian brain to discover the Source of All Fear! (I'll be Racquel Welch in this metaphor if you don't mind.)

What is the Source of All Fear?

Sabertooth tigers.

Everything boils down to a fear of sabertooth tigers. Since the days when our primitive hominid ancestors tread the Earth, our brains have been hardwired to be afraid of sabertooth tigers, and possibly volcanoes. Everything boils down to that. Scared that the guy tailgating you might be a mass murderer? Your reptile brain really thinks he's a sabertooth tiger. Nervous about walking alone to your car in a big empty parking garage in the middle of the night? The primitive core of your mind thinks there may be tigers of the sabertooth variety about. Afraid of doing that big presentation at work? Actually, that's just you being a pussy.

Anyway, since Halloween is nearly upon us in the States (in Canada they have to wait until mid-November*) I thought it would be a good time to post about Scary Shit of the real and imagined kind.

The other week we had a big Fall windstorm here in the Pacific Northwest. It wasn't so bad - last year's was way worse - but it was not a good day to be a commuter on the Washington State Ferry system, which I am. Here's a shot of one of the big-ass car ferries plowing through some heavy waves on Puget Sound. See that area that's underwater? That's the auto bay.

I usually walk on the ferries to get to work in Seattle, but occasionally I drive, and when I do I like to hang out in my car and listen to NPR and plot the demise of my foes. I'm just happy I wasn't on that boat at the time - that would have been TERRORFYING! Thanks to my dad for forwarding me that picture, BTW.

Each year I get a little more ambitious with the Halloween decorations around the house. It must run in the family, because my sister decorates the inside and outside of her house big time. Her house has more of a Martha Stewart vibe - lots of tasteful black swag and cornstalks and white pumpkins. Mine is more of a traditional homemade yard haunt, with cobwebs and black lights and a graveyard and spooky portraits - stuff like that.

I still haven't gotten around to creating some of my dream layouts that I've talked about in the past, like the Oprah Encounter yard haunt. However, this year I've created the Doom O' Lantern, the only pumpkin in my 'hood that honors Dr. Doom. Behold, and know fear:

Those who come to my house this Halloween must acknowledge Doom as their master or they don't get shit.

KIDS: Trick or treat!
ME: Oh, look at you guys! Let's see - we got a ninja, black costume Spider-Man, a fairy princess. Wow, you look great. One question before you get candy: is Doctor Doom your lord and master?
KIDS: No. Who's that?
ME: Out. All of you. Leave.
KIDS: Wh-what about candy?
ME: Doom does not reward the foolish and weak with candy. Get off my porch, now.
KIDS: You're mean!
ME: Hey, fuck you pal. Dr. Doom has kicked Spider-Man's ass I don't know how many times. Blow.
KIDS: B-but...
ME: I said "BLOW!"
KIDS: (crying, running)

That's how I roll on Halloween - deal with it.

OK, let's begin Terror Week! Let us do this thing!


Capn Ho said...

The Doom O' Lantern may be the coolest Halloween related thing I have ever seen.

SRH said...

The Doom-o-Lantern kicks much butt.

Anonymous said...

The Doom O'Lantern is awesome (although it might be even better with a waffle in its mouth), but how do we know that after Halloween we won't find out it was just a Doombot O'Lantern the whole time?

Mike Podgor said...

What if a kid comes to your door dressed as Doctor Doom? And not the movie Doom, but an honest-to-god comic accurate Doom?

SallyP said...

All who want a candy apple MUST acknowledge DOOM!

Seems quite reasonable to me.

Anonymous said...

If a kid dresses up ad DR DOOM, then ONE of them MUST be a DOOM-BOT and refuse to acknowledge the other as the one, TRUE DOOM!

Unless the kid is a defective Doombot that thinks he's the One True Doom, and then we have some bad shit going down!

My money is on the FLAMING LANTERN of DOOM, since we ALL know that kid's Halloween costumes are 100% FLAMMABLE!


LurkerWithout said...

Hrrrm. A roadside stand that sells eggs and toilet paper near the Long Box Household could be a lucrative short term business venture...

Unknown said...

I had to pinch the nose shut from the too much laughing in the office. Thanks, the Dave.

Anonymous said...

Heh. Even on Halloween, Doom is still a pain in the ass. But fearing sabertooth tigers is just good sense--just ask Shanna the She-Devil.

Anonymous said...

So, what do you do if the kids ask why "The accursed Richards" wins all the time?

Jonathan said...

Bow to Doom, B*thces!

pretty funny.

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