Friday, August 17, 2007

7 Easy Steps to Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine - FOR KIDS!

Congratulations, young apprentice! By spending a mere $50 (plus S&H) you have taken your first step on the path to Ultimate Martial Arts MASTERY!!!

If you are 12 or older and strictly adhere to my 7 Easy Steps to Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine, you will qualify to be a member of the Brown Dragon Society and will gain:
  • Self-confidence bordering on arrogance!

  • Total physical domination over any opponent – even your dad!

  • Mastery of your yang, the Brown Dragon Force within us all!

  • Special Brown Dragon Wig!

  • Privilege of wearing exclusive Brown Dragon Fightwear and Brown Dragon Accoutrements!

Come then my young one and climb the 7 Steps to Ultimate Martial Arts Supremacy.

Step 1. - Make Your Body Into a Thing Like Steel

The first step to Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts Mastery is forging your soft flesh into an invincible suit of living armor, impervious to pain.

In ancient times, Brown Dragon apprentices would stand naked for days at a time atop a hot anvil while old women cursed them and beat their flesh with bamboo canes and spit mouthfuls of goat piss on to their welts.. We lost a lot of apprentices that way, but they were weak.

Unless you have access to a spiteful old crone and a goat, I recommend standing on an empty five-gallon paint bucket and flagellating yourself with a bike chain while listening to appropriate music ( such as Martial Arts Mood, the official Brown Dragon soundtrack, item #BD259 in our catalog). Do this every day after school for six weeks and you will become as hard and as rigid as a sword.

Step 2. Conquer the Brown Dragon Within

The cornerstone of Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts is dominating and harnessing your inner Brown Dragon, the yang force within us all. Unless you can seize control and firmly grasp your yang, you will never become a True Master like me, Lord Xavier Hellfist.

Since ancient times, the Wise Men of the Orient have taught us about the Brown Dragon, the embodiment of the yang that lives coiled deep within each of us. The Brown Dragon is maculine, “dark” energy – destructive and stinky. To become unconquerable in battle, you must grapple with your yang, the Brown Dragon inside you.

The process is deceptively simple. Find a quiet, isolated place, like a garage or tool shed. Light some incense (Brown Dragon Scent, catalog item BD #239) or, if your parents won’t allow it, use some air freshener. Calm your mind. Breathe deeply. Imagine a doorway opening inside you. Invite the Brown Dragon in. Be polite. Then -- defeat it in Psychic Combat!

(NOTE: Failure at this stage may result in brain damage, dementia, or an inflammatory bowel disease. YOU MUST NOT FAIL! GRASP YOUR YANG SERPENT! DEFEAT THE BROWN DRAGON! BECOME THE BROWN DRAGON!)

Step 3. Ball Strike!

I, Xavier Hellfist, won the 1973 World Fighting Arts Championship with this simple but devastating groinal assault – the Ball Strike.

Developed in the 16th century by frisky Shaolin monks who were always rough housing and playfully striking one another’s privates, the Ball Strike has developed over time from an adolescent crotch punching game into an entire fighting discipline, barudo.

The Ball Strike is almost as potent as the Death Punch, but only works on non-neutered male opponents. Avoid using this technique when fighting women, eunechs, or very old men.

To practice barudo, you must have a suitable target. I recommend buying bull testes from your local butcher and double wrapping them in a plastic bag. Hang the bag at crotch level and you are ready to begin.

Visualize your clenched fist as a meteor rocketing down from space and into your opponent’s crotch. Summon the Brown Dragon force within… and then punch. Optional: scream “BALL STRIKE!” as you punch. This will have no effect against bull testes, but will startle a living opponent.

Practice this 1,001 times. When you have attained mastery, practice the Ball Strike using your knees, feet, and steak knives. You are now ready.

Step 4. Fight Dogs

It can be difficult for a young apprentice to find a challenging opponent to test your mastery of Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts. In years past, students would be cast into pits with cobras, wild boars, or pandas to challenge their skills. Unless you live in an area with an abundance of bears, venomous snakes, or aggressive pigs, I recommend that you practice by battling dogs.

Find the meanest dog in your neighborhood and challenge it to one-on-one combat. Often the mere act of stepping into a mean dog’s territory is sufficient to initiate the duel, but you may have to slap the dog in the snout or throw a rock at it. The dog will attack, but your body is like steel and you can harness the Brown Dragon power to defeat it. If you find yourself seriously mauled or bitten, wait until the next day and repeat the process until your victory is complete. Then eat the dog’s liver.

Now you have tasted real combat – and dog liver.

Step 5. Weapons Mastery

Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine means not only forging your body into an Engine of Death, but also becoming adept at the various Brown Dragon martial arts weapons. We recommend purchasing one of the quality weapons from our catalog, like stick ($10.95 + S&H, item BD439) or numchuk ($59.95 + S&H, item BD4310) or combat tine ($14.95 + S&H, BD310) - each comes with the Xavier Hellfist seal of approval and a 6 page instruction booklet.

Step 6. Become the Night

Brown Dragon Martial Arts Masters use stealth as well as force. You must become the night by transforming yourself into a living shadow.

We recommend wearing black clothing (Brown Dragon Body Stocking, catalog item BD #212) and standing completely still in a dark garage for 4-6 hours. If somebody sees you, start the whole process again. At some point you will either pass out, wet your pants, or you will Become the Night.

Step 7. Death Punch

Based on dim mak, the fabled “death touch” of other lesser fighting arts, the Death Punch is 127% more deadly. Ask yourself: what sounds more hardcore, touching someone to death or punching them to death? Ah, you see now, apprentice.

Put simply, the Death Punch is a close-fisted strike that harnesses the power of the Brown Dragon in order to totally kill somebody. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT THE DEATH PUNCH UNLESS YOU HAVE CONQUERED THE BROWN DRAGON WITHIN. The goal is to seriously kill somebody else, not seriously hurt yourself.

In order to master the Death Punch, you will need to practice on something other than a human being. I recommend watermelons, canteloupe, or bowling balls. Mount your target on a post at about eye level. Summon your inner Brown Dragon – feel the power flow through you and into your fist. Then… STRIKE!!! As your fist launches like a missile towards the target, scream “DEATH PUNCH!” At the top of your lungs. If you have done it properly, you will kill the watermelon.

After you have killed 66 melons or bowling balls, you will be ready to test the Death Punch on a living target. Find an annoying brother or sister…

CONGRATULATIONS young master! You are now ready for induction into the ranks of the Brown Dragon Society. Please send $25 to our P.O. Box and you will receive your very own Certificate of Deadliness from Xavier Hellfist himself, PLUS our new catalog! Allow 2-4 weeks for shipping.

45 comments: said...

Truly inspired, back on the lookout for my Brown Dragon I go, without my inner child, who cowers in the corner, positive he bounced a check that he stole from his folks. "Hellfist" is your best writing to date, I think. Supertight. M.B. Kaufman

Anonymous said...

The dog liver thing? Almost pissed myself laughing.

Anonymous said...

Is that Dot-to-Dot Hitler?

Anonymous said...

Psst, about Step Four? Even a small bite of dog liver has enough Vitamin A to kill any human. Or is that part of the toughening process?


Khairul H. said...

For a second there, I thought the old crone was Emperor Palpatine.

Anonymous said...

I prefer the Kun-Lun fighting style.

It comes with a free dragon tatoo!

Anonymous said...

Have I ever told you about the time I was actually given the advice "Don't try to fight the darkness; flow with it"? Or the time I asked a Navy SEAL captain about that Richard Marcinko guy, and he said "He's the kind of guy who ought to be kept in a cage during peacetime"? This is almost as good.

David Campbell said...

My god, that really does look like a connect-the-dot Hitler, doesn't it. "Punch here" indeed!

Ken Lowery said...

Please, for the love of god, create a Certificate of Deadliness for us to download and abuse.

Anonymous said...

If Count Dante wasn't dead, he'd probably sue to get some of that fat cash you'll be raking in. Or rip out your liver. As it is, you still might not be safe from the DEADLIEST MAN ALIVE.

Seriously, though, that was fucking brilliant. I love the combat tine. Reminds me of the Blue Rajah.

Anonymous said...

you make me laugh campbell..........i mean really laugh! thanx, dusty.

SallyP said...

Why this would make the perfect Christmas gift for some of my toddlers! Along with that "Easy-Open Rattlesnake Hutch" that I got for them last year.

BeCOME the Darkness!

Anonymous said...

I am the true master of the brown Rat!!! And you must suffer brother!! Brown dragon has no power over the rat, we are small but much more powerfull!!! We can eat poop if we like! Ha! Try that one on for size dragon lovers...

Post Script: Can I please have my $20 bucks back?


Anonymous said...

for the record, it does in fact hurt like a mother when females are hit hard in the crotch. for women, it is also the most sensitive exterior part of the body.

but we were born made of steel, no need for bike chains, so we don't curl up and weep like little babies when jackhammered.


Elias said...

That's about the most hillarious thing I've read this week.

Unknown said...

This is totally the car a Brown Dragon would drive:

Dylan Todd said...

So lemme get this straight. First I "become as hard and as rigid as a sword," then I "seize control and firmly grasp [my] yang," then I begin a "ball strike"?

Hey! what kind of school are you running here?!

Patrick Gaffney said...

I think Dave has his next seminar for this Halloween!

MasGrandeQueJesus said...

Chock full of awesomeness. I truly hope there is a seminar this Halloween.

nightfly said...

Does General Zod know that this Hellfist dude is infringing his copyrighted likeness?

Unknown said...

More importantly, Nightfly, does Terrence Stamp know that Dave looks EXACTLY like he did 30 years ago?

Anonymous said...

I like the shadow puppet hand positions--sure, they may look harmless, but when wielded by a master like Lord Xavier Hellfist even shadows become deadly. For instance, the Shadow Devil Dog hand strike can take a bite out of your very soul. An extra $49.95 plus S&H would be a mere pittance to learn an attack like that.

Phillip said...

Did you know someone's making a documentary about Count Dante?

David Campbell said...

I would totally buy that.

Unknown said...

Oh god, this had me crying with laughter. This is right up there with and the "Dr. Yang Sze, Evil Master of Chi" posts on rec.martial-arts

Anonymous said...

this kinda sounds like a scam I think ill stick to the tiger claw system

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