Thursday, April 27, 2006

Dave's Totally Awesome X-Men Team That is Better Than Yours

Since I am a geek, and I did the same thing with The Avengers, I thought I would share my thoughts with you about what the ideal X-Men team line-up is. Believe me, I have pondered the subject on many a sleepless night whilst lying on my bed listening to Tangerine Dream, thinking about the perfect X-Men combo.

I limited myself to seven X-Men, and picked characters who were both iconic and fulfilled a role or archetype on the team. In order for an X-Men team to be worth a damn, you have to have a couple people who can fly, a telepath, a super-strong guy, a martial artist, a scout, and somebody who can attack from a distance. Bonus points if you have a scientific genius.

Here you are, then. Heed my wisdom.

(The cute little pictures of the X-Men come from Ze Ball Breaker's Micro-Heroes Site. Merci, Ball Breaker!)

Cyclops - You have to have Cyclops along to fly the Blackbird and grit his teeth a lot. Plus, you need the long-range offensive capability of his optic blasts, which also come in handy if you’re out in the woods and need to kill and cook a bird or a squirrel. Somebody has to watch the plane. Cyclops, you're in.


Marvel Girl – No, we're not going to call her Jean Grey, she's Marvel Girl. All the X-Men get dumb names, and she should be no exception. We’re including Marvel Girl because she’s incredibly powerful and she keeps Cyclops under control. Every team needs a mind-reader and force-field maker. Still, her usefulness is offset by the fact that you have a 1 in 6 chance of her going apeshit crazy on any given mission.


Wolverine – There is an X-Men bylaw that says Wolverine must be included on every team. Our team needs a rebel, a bad-ass, a Lorenzo Lamas-type. Plus, Wolverine’s healing factor and unbreakable bones make him a great punching bag. Let the bad guys beat on Wolverine while Cyclops picks them off from 200 yards - that’s my strategy.


Colossus – Send Colossus in first. The big metal-skinned Russian was born to absorb punishment, and is handy when obstacles like buildings are in your way. His motto should be, “Behind me, comrades!”


Rogue – The super-powered spandex-clad Southern belle Rogue is almost as strong and tough as Colossus, and she can fly, too! You have to have flying people on the team to carry stuff. Plus, she has a cute accent and a pert, bulletproof bosom. Look, but don’t touch, sugah! I heart Rogue!



Nightcrawler – He is on the team because he is the fucking coolest ever, end of story. A stealthy wall-crawling martial artist teleporter with a prehensile tail and a German accent? Der Komissar’s in town, baby!


Storm – Her eyes kind of freak me out, but her mutant weather powers are so multi-faceted and powerful that she has to go on the team. You never have to worry about watering the plants or about your golf game getting ruined by thunderstorms if Storm is on the team.



So there you go, a fairly standard roster of X-Men. These are characters I would hope to see if I was reading a classic X-Men story. You could throw Beast in there and I'd be extra-happy.

But What If...? What if Marvel Comics hired Dave Campbell to write the X-Men next Thursday (my schedule is open, BTW, Marvel)?

I would have a completely different line-up. Because I am not a famous writer it stands to reason that I wouldn't get the first pick of characters to staff my new X-Men team. That's fine, I can handle it. But can YOU handle my Unexpected X-Men Line-Up?!?!

The Unexpected X-Men would be a team of wacky misfits led by the most unexpected X-Men of all –

Doc Samson.

Hell, yes. Doc. Samson. Not a lot of people know that Doc Samson is a mutant, but it’s true. Gamma radiation triggered latent mutant powers within Leonard Samson, The Hulk’s psychiatrist, turning him into a green-haired super-strong he-man. Anyway, Doc Samson leads my X-Men dream team. Stop laughing, Doc Samson in my hands would make you weep at the beauty of it all.


Forge – The mutant weaponsmith with the Steaven Seagal look, Forge would come in very handy on my team as a sort of portable Q Branch, supplying Doc Samson’s crew with all kinds of high-tech gear and sage yet cliche wisdom. Plus he could fly the Blackbird.


Warlock – Who doesn’t love Warlock, the shape-shifting techno-organic alien from the early days of The New Mutants? He’s cute and handy, too! Self likes selfriend Warlock!


Sunfire – Sometimes you need to burn some shit with the heat of the sun’s core, and that’s where Sunfire comes in. An X-Men for the briefest period of time, this Japanese mutant has a fabulous costume and can fly, too. He's like the Human Torch, but with dignity.


Darkstar – This Russian mutant controls the extra-dimensional Darkforce and can fly. I've always liked her costume. She’s hired.


Domino – The team’s resident martial artist ass-kicker, Domino has probability-altering powers (she’s really lucky) and a cute little black patch over her eye. Forge can supply her with all kinds of crazy weaponry and make playlists for her. Plus: leather.


Northstar – He’s super-fast, he can fly, he’s French Canadian – what more can you ask for? Quicksilver wasn’t available to fill the Team Asshole position, so I nominate Northstar.

The only thing my team is really missing is a telepath, but what they lack in psi-power they make up for in Doc Samson. And you don't need to read minds to know that Dave Campbell's Unexpected X-Men would kick ass, Wolverine or not! I mean, who would you take in a fight - Northstar or Wolverine? I think the answer is clear.

81 comments:

Scott said...

Good teams, but I think I would go for the "All-Outrageous Accent" Team. I would start with Nightcrawler and Colossus and then add Cannonball and Rogue for that Southern twang that exists only in the fevered mind of Chris Claremont. Aurora gets the nod, but only the sexy Franch-Canadian personality, not the mousy librarian one. Finally, from the British Isles, I'd add Banshee and Wolfsbane, but only when she's in full-Scottish mode. What my team lacks in fighting power, it would more than make up in linquistic abilities.

Anonymous said...

Hoo boy. Any team where Doc Samson is the strongest, most indestructable member.....ouch.

I mean, I love the guy, but his chief role in the Marvel U over the years seems to've been "guy who's tough enough to get backhanded by the Hulk and survive, well-meaning enough to keep trying with the Hulk and getting more backhands, and over-earnest enough that readers get just a wee bit of satisfaction when they see him get backhanded." He's Schadenfreude Man.

Anonymous said...

YOu should never put the words "Northstar", "fill" and "asshole" in the same sentence!

Bully said...

On my X-Men dream team of seven, three of them are Jubilees, two of them are Kitty Prydes, one of them is Jean Grey, and one of them is Wolverine.

Oh wait. That's Wolverine's dream team of X-Men.

Anonymous said...

How about the "All-Useless X-Men" team?

1. Pre-Archangel Angel

2. Changeling.

3. Jubilee.

4. Madrox the Multiple Man. One hundred times the uselessness!

5. Cypher.

6. Skids

7. Wolfsbane

Patrick said...

Great team, and in fact the exact same choices I'd make, with the sole exception of Rogue, who I'd replace with Kitty Pryde. Kitty makes a great audience POV character, and adds neededed youth and spunk to the team. Iceman could work well in this role, too.

Gregory said...

Sorry, Dave. Claremont's on the record as saying Kurt doesn't have an accent anymore. His supposedly diluted it by mimicing Errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks films.

Check the Uncanny X-Men comics where the team members answered the reader letters (around 165-185).

Macavity said...

Yeah, well.... Nightcrawler DOES rock. I actually believe Multiple Man to be the most practical superhero ever. I mean, in what situation is he not helpful? Crowd control? yup. Beating up goons? yup. Helping out on moving day? yup. Searching for the missing child/villain? yup. Doing anything other than get in the way when up against a villain with actual powers? oh... well... who needs that?

Nightcrawler still rocks!

Dweeze said...

Going to go the no joking route with a comment. For me, it'd be Cyclops, Emma Frost, Iceman, Beast, Juggernaut, Rogue, and, and, and. Crap. Can't decide between Nightcrawler, Cannonball, and Quicksilver.

Canton said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Oh Dave, for shame! How can you have Warlock on the team without Doug? The Cypher/Warlock/Douglock thingammy in New Mutants was just great. Until 'Weezie' buggered it all up. Birdboy. I ask you. Effin' Birdboy. Jeez Lousie.

Chris said...

Domino?

Domino???

Listen, I'm all for gambling-themed female martial artists, and all, but...

Didn't the last attractive heroine with 'probability altering powers' go batshit crazy and ruin the Avengers by increasing the probability of Avenger Suckage by 1000%?

No, Dave. Domino spells doom for the Un-X-Pected X-Men!

Kevin Church said...

Man, I do not know you.

Chawunky said...

A good lineup, and I gotta say as an old Warlock fan that his inclusion on your oddball team warms self's blood-organ.

I, too, would plug Kitty in there somewhere, particularly the Whedon version that's kicking my ass these days. Well-writ!

missbhavens said...

Ummm...Storm seems to be topless.

gorjus said...

Of course! That's the naughty "African Goddess" Storm.

Um, I think Grant Morrison killed Darkstar. There was a funeral and everything! Maybe Josh Weezon retconned that out.

And isn't Northstar a zombie or something now??

I hate contintuity.

Anonymous said...

Here I was thinking "what a boring list" and then BAM the unexpected list. One problem. Just about half of them are dead. You'd have to ressurect more characters than Claremont!

Here is my completely unexpected team, the only rule I forced on myself was "No Wolverine" because thats too easy.

Jubilee - Every team needs a teenage sidekick, and Shadowcat is all grown up. Since apparently Jubilee is somehow still in highschool after all these years, we're sticking with her.

Banshee - We need age and expierence, and a funny accent (depending on the writer).

Angel - We need a member of the original team to make it legimate and have access to the mansion swimming pool.

Fantomex - We need an ultra-cool-too-hip-for-his-own-good character, and Cable and Bishop are all played out.

Caliban - We need someone big and dumb. Caliban has a significantly lower emo factor than Colusus.

Dust - Because we need a character we know nothing about. We also need a character that continues the tradition of ethnic diversity in the X-Men, and having a female Muslim is rather timely.

Amelia Voght - Because you need a former villian so you can keep hinting at her impending return to villiany.

It just occurs to me that Banshee is dead. I guess replace him with Beast until he comes back to life.

Jack Potts said...

I would put Doug Ramsey on my team any day. Seriously. I don't think the writers every fully utilized his abilities. A character who could understand ANY language would be a natural born leader.

Think about it. He would automatically know what his team would need to hear to inspire and command them. He would instinctively know what buttons to push to cajole or intimidate, without the icky intrusiveness of mind reading. He would be a human lie detector or know when to attack by reading an opponent's body language. He would be the ultimate lady's man, because he would know exactly what words to say, and what or where to touch to make them drawers come flyin' off! Doug Ramsey could stop a riot without raising a finger, walk into Kabul and find Osama Bin Laden by sitting down and having a nice chat over tea, or persuade Galactus to become a vegetarian without raising his voice. Doug Ramsey would be a no-nonsense, plain-spoken, lovin', fightin' machine, because he wouldn't have the time or inclination to deal with BS. Don't deny it, baby, 'cause you know it's true!

Verification word: "ouoane." Doug Ramsey would know what that means!

Tom Foss said...

"Quicksilver wasn’t available to fill the Team Asshole position, so I nominate Northstar."

I hope that was intentional. Just imagine Cyke shouting "Northstar, used the focused totality of your powers to fill the team asshole!

On second thought, don't. Judd Winick presents the X-Men.

Mike P said...

So it would include Beast, Iceman, Firestar, Wolverine, Karma, Nightcrawler, and... Jubilee.

The Beast would fill the super-strength and agility quotient for the team, as well as "person who looks good crouching in group shots" position. However, we would have to make him not be a cat-person anymore first.

Iceman and Firestar are included because they were Spider-Man's amazing friends. Iceman, obviously, is useful in building bridges with his ice and probably projectiles.

Firestar, on the other hand, has microwave powers and the ability to fly. The only forseeable problem is Firestar accidentally melting Iceman.

Wolverine is included because you can't have a team of X-Men without Wolverine. Not only that, but he's willing to slit a few throats to get the job done.

Karma was included because she possesses people, and is a lesbian. This would lead to lots of fun down the road.

Nightcrawler has the whole swashbuckling teleporter thing going, so he's good to have on the team as he can get to places the others initially can't.

Jubilee is included because Wolverine is at his best when he has some girl following him around side-kicking. However, she would have to get her powers back first.

Yes, my X-Men team is crappy. Extremely so.

Rob Schamberger said...

"Quicksilver wasn’t available to fill the Team Asshole position, so I nominate Northstar."

Seriously, Dave...

david said...

I'm an avengers fan first.. so I can't wait for avengers week.. love the inclusion of sampson to the team..

here is who I would use if they asked me (and they wont!)

Havok -- but older and crotchity.... the sheer raw power of bitterness...

Rachel Summers

Franklin Richards

(both as adults.. sent back in time to watch their charges... the young franklin and rachel.)

Forge -- staring as tecno boy!

Collossus -- so he can throw a tree at someone..

Celia Reys - team doctor

and finally

Kitty Pryde -- as Team Leader..

out there subplot..
slim joins the starjammers to find his missing dad.. w/o telling anyone...
a de-powerd Jean hitches a ride on a space ship to find him...

what do you think?

(ask me about my avengers team..I gar- on - tee that I will come up with something more confusing..)

i'm thrizzled said...

I would totally buy a comic called Schadenfreude Man.

Heck, Michael Kupperman might be drawing it already.

Chance said...

I would read Dave's Unexpected X-Men, but I think the execs (or X-ecs) at Marvel would call it "Un-X-Pected X-Men."

Or not.

Doc Samson is the COOLEST!

The Fortress Keeper said...

The Fortress Keeper's X-People...

1. Cyclops - He shoots red force beams from his eyes! Coolest power ever!

2. Rogue - But only with her basic absorption powers. It makes her a lot more interesting than just flying around punching - or these days frying - people.

3. The Beast - He's the G*damn Beast!

4.Colossus - Anyone who can turn into organic metal is always useful. But is there such a thing as inorganic metal?

5. Iceman - As shown in recent years, there's a lot of potential for Bobby to be a powerhouse.

6. Storm - A classy lady who's unafraid to get her hands dirty.

7. Nightcrawler - A Cool Cockrum Creation.

SanctumSanctorumComix said...

Oddly enough, while I love my wife and chose her to accompnay me in everyday battles, she, like Marvel Girl has a "1 in 6 chance of going apeshit crazy" on any given day.

SO, I understand your call there.

Plus...redhead!

I mean c'mon.
Even a dyejob will work for me.

Oh!
And can I say that the MicroHero of Storm looks X-tra amazing?
THAT should be her battle uniform!
Ungowa!

And, Dave Campbell is herby to be called "Professor". He knows how to assemble one HELL of a team!

~P~
P-TOR

word verification:
qawcbrd

8th rung mutant who's power is to repeat everything you say.
"Rawwk! Dammit, BUB. My healing factor can't get rid of these crabs! Rawwk!"

Michael Valiquette said...

DOC SAMSON!!!!
Yeah!
Dave, you rock. I didn't think anyone else liked Doc Samson. I had his first appearance when I was a kid. He was over the top and kicked ass. Basically a What if the skinny guy from the Charles Atlas ads got gamma-irradiated super strength and Green Fabio locks. I find some of that proto-hero egoo has disappeared from the character's portrayal over the years. Now he's all touchy feely. Not at all the erudite pipe-smoking hepcat he started out as.

Corey Bond said...

Doc Samson as the leader of a superteam -- any superteam, mutant or not -- is pure genius. Have you played the Hulk: Ultimate Destruction game? Normally, a mission-based game featuring the Hulk would defy logic, but the fact that Samson is the one sending him on these missions makes it all work. Need a piece of equipment from the city? Send the Hulk on an errand to retrieve it. Sure, that will mean billions of dollars in damages, and the deaths of numerous law enforcement officers and innocent civilians, but hey, it's cheaper than having it shipped UPS. Need the Hulk to be captured for the sake of the game's plot? Just have Samson suddenly and inexplicably change tactics and betray him. Consistency and stability were never his strong suit anyway. I've never seen Samson portrayed so perfectly in-character before.

Anonymous said...

Doc Samson an X-Man. That is effing brilliant. Maybe readers would actually give a damn about him for the frist time ever. This needs to happen.

David Cutler said...

For what it's worth, my ideal X-Men would be Cyclops as the leader,White Queen as the catty bitch, Nightcrawler as the jovial swashbuckler, Wolverine for kewlness factor, Storm as the second in command, Colossus for heart, Beast for brains, Northstar for the prick and Shadowcat because everybody loves Shadowcat. Oh, and toss in Orphan/Mr. Sensitive as the guy who can't believe he made the big leagues. Is he not dead?

I probably still wouldn't buy this X-Men comic, but I'd be nine times as likely to read it off the rack.

plok said...

This one brought me up to Full Geek Output in just under a minute...congrats, Dave. I think. But no Storm or Wolverine for me, thanks, I'll get my typically weird X-Men character tensions from someplace else. Like:

Uncanny - Cyclops, Havok (the real one), Rachel Summers; Nightcrawler, Wolfsbane, Madrox; Banshee. The money comes from Cyclops, who holds Professor X's power of attorney. Story arcs usually to include old-school X-guest stars: Polaris, Angel, Iceman, Beast. So you get two emotional basket cases and their alternate-universe daughter/niece; a natural outsider who tends to get too involved in other people's problems, a tearaway, a trickster with hidden motives; and a guy who if he was any more of an Irish stereotype, he'd be a leprechaun.

All-New All-Different - Kitty has to somehow boss around the following people-with-issues: Sunfire, Northstar, Sasquatch, Emma Frost, Thunderbird. I'll give her Angel to help her out, though, and pay for things. Guest stars: Fantomex, Doc Samson, Polaris, Beast.

Oh, wondering about Sasquatch? Yeah, I always thought he and Doc Samson were probably first cousins, sharing the genetic quirk of being able to not die when belted by gamma rays. Call me crazy. You've gotta admit they kind of look alike, though.

Stephen said...

I did the same thing with The Avengers

Can you give a link to that post?

Randy said...

Even though I am not a mutant guy, I have to almost wholeheartedly agree with you Dave.
However, I only want the uber Rogue, not the lame wimpy one we get to see nowadays. Man, does this new Rogue just suck ass or what? Of course, since you mentioned that she flies, well, looks like we are on the same page.

Additionally, dump the Storm. Give me some 1980's Superstar Disco Dazzler to round out my team for some wide open vestige shots and some white tight hot pants, with sparklies all around.

corbiscide said...

Ok the fanboy in me has been percolating over this one for while. So here goes the corbicide x-man roster:
Pete Wisdom - distance ability spy guy and I always thought that the hot as the sun knives things was KEWL
Polaris - flight, magnetisim, green hair, looks good in spandex
Blob - the blobmeister, comedy relief bad ass, fat jokes.
Sunspot - He's in the Hellfire club so's he tells them what to do.
Syrin - red hair requirement filled
Toad - Need toad to play with blob
Marrow - Always liked the whole bones thing.

Hope none of them are dead. It'd be a weird ride for at least 4 issues.

Anonymous said...

I think for sheer unexpectedness, I would go with the all Wolverine Girl lineup:

Callisto
Marrow
X-23
Wolvesbane
and of course...
Squirrel Girl

I would have Wolverine get caught in the crossfire of an old-fashioned Avengers throwdown, where he gets reminded that he's just a bar fighter with switchblades in his hands after all, when Iron Man destabilizes the Adamantium in Wolvie's skeleton (he was aiming at Ultron, who grabbed Wolvie and used him as a human shield) and then Thor shatters Wolvie's pelvis with his hammer (human shield). Then the Adamantium sets that way. So until they can figure out how to fix it, Wolverine is stuck in a wheelchair, communicating to his all-girl team through an intercom like Charlie's Angels.

Marvel, if you're serious about moving some paper, use this idea. It will sell millions.

Cove West said...

My 7 (though really, shouldn't this be Twelve?) are as x-follows:

1. Shadowcat - I don't care what anyone else says, she's 21, tops, and ideally around 18. They took Peter Parker away from me, they ain't takin' my Kitty!

2. Colossus - And not just as Kitty-litter, either. He's young, idealistic, noble, and the real reason why the ANAD X-Men became a family (everyone likes to point to Kitty, but she only made them a team of surrogate parents; Peter made them brothers and sisters). Plus, see Team Member #6.

3. Nightcrawler - I'm bringing back Amanda Sefton, Jane Average semi-mystical flight attendant. I'm bringing back the fuzzy blue elf who makes everyone laugh. I'm bringing back the swashbuckler who can charm an extra-universal blob of goo. I'm bringing back the Bamf Doll. I don't even know if that stuff is gone these days, but I'm bringing 'em back anyway.

4. Chamber - Wha--?! Yeah, Chamber. Out of all the GenXers, he was the one I most wanted to see as an X-Man. And since this group (Major List Spoiler!) doesn't have Wolverine, Jono can be Mr. Snark. AND Mr. Spark. Also, I like the potential attitude clash with Team Member #5 and romance with Team Member #6.

5. Gambit - I'm talking about the 1991-1992 Gambit, before he became that guy back in high school who used to dress like Jason Priestly and thought he was the ultimate ladies man except he couldn't even get his nominal girlfriend to take him seriously. The Gambit who really was cool, who really could tame Rogue, who really did challenge Wolverine. The Gambit who would steal from right under your nose, wink, smack you upside the head, and then jaunt off with a flourish and horrible Creole French. And just for kicks, I'd give him a normal hobby. Like stamp collecting.

6. Magik - Yes, she was on my Avengers list. I don't care. I'd put her on the Knights of Wundagore if I had to. She is the one character in all comics (until Jack Drake bit it) that I think must be resurrected. Illyana makes both Kitty and Peter better characters. And she has such tremendous potential. In my version, she comes back more villainous demon-lord than soulful do-gooder, but the feelings she has for Kitty and Peter keep her neutral. She's the team wild card (and a perfect romantic foil for Jono). And every team needs a reason to fight demons and crazed magicians.

7 (Team Leader). Rogue - Heh. Okay, whenever I read the Massacre-and-up issues, I always think two things: 1) what happened to the "rogue" in Rogue these days? and 2) if Wolvie and Ororo weren't around, Rogue would be the leader. I like the contradiction of putting the live-by-the-seat-of-her-pants southern belle in the captain's seat. How would she deal with mistakes? Would she tend to let Kurt or Kitty make decisions? How does she keep a combustible Illyana in line? Or get Gambit to follow her orders? Again, the potential here is just tremendous.

In my "If I wrote the X-Men" fantasy, these are the Uncanny X-Men, emphasis on Uncanny. They have the spirit (though not the listlessness) of the Australian era, but the heart of the Cockrum/Smith years. A family of Sherwood Merry Men, up to no good for the common good, wandering the world in search of redemption and mutant acceptance. The team that goes on adventures, to the Savage Land, Madripoor, Limbo, a future timeline or two, and outer space. Back at the mansion, however, would be the adjectiveless X-Men. Scott, Emma, Warren, Betsy, Alex, Lorna, Logan, and whoever else is around, administering the school and pfighting against the forces of anti-mutant persecution and anti-human terrorism. The team that fights the big guns in action-movie pyrotechnics, versus Apocalypse, Sinister, Sentinels, and the Horse Brotherhood of Nasty Acolyte Mutates. There would be a six-part crossover between the two x-teams every 3 years. Hank would be an Avenger. Charles would be lost in space again. Meanwhile, Ororo and Magnus have a plan to implement a combination of the two dreams...

mela said...

Jack Potts, I think I love you.

Canton said...

Earlier comment retracted. Nothing was computing yesterday.

But the Unexpected X-Men would still be the most well-adjusted super-hero team in Marvel history.

Hrm... How about an X-Team whose sole purpose is to make the GLX-Men look professional? Leech and Quill would probably have to be involved.

joncormier said...

Um, isn't it in the X-men charter that Wolverine needs to be on EVERY team - including the un-x-pected ones?

Anonymous said...

Ugh. I'll copycat too.

Ideal X-Men lineup: Multiple Man, Dazzler, Nightcrawler, Doug Ramsey, the White Queen, Madelyne Pryor and Cyclops.

Jack Potts said...

Mela- I'm glad I found a fellow believer in the untapped awesomeness of Doug Ramsey.

I appreciate the love!

mrmanatee said...

Because I'm a humorless dork who can't be bothered to think about crafting a good story, I'm going to base my team purely on power:

1. Cable, after losing the techno-organic virus. He can do pretty much anything he wants, and you can't stop him. In combat, he's a great leader, if you even need a leader, what with him being able to rip people in half with a twitch of his brain-muscle. In any case, he could pretty much begin and end my team, but I've got more.

2. Bobbydrake. Do note that his name is not Iceman, nor is it Bobby Drake. It is bobbydrake, said as a single syllable. In any case, he's got no upper limit to his powers, so he can freeze people's brains instantly, create an infinite amount of ice, et cetera.

3. Juggernaut. He was an x-man, or at least x-friendly, for a little while. So I'd say he could be used. Insane strength, mental power immunity... he's good all around.

4. Forge. You need a super-genius on the team, so I'd say it's either him or Beast. Forge is limited in that he can only really invent things, and doesn't have as much understanding of science as a whole, but he just completely outclasses Beast in invention.

5. Blink. Teleportation is fantastic, and she's got the best for any situation.

6. X-man. Might as well toss in another ridiculously powerful psi in there. With X-man and Cable covering each other, there's not much bad that can happen.

7. Cable is the lynchpin of the team, but slot number 7 is their secret ridiculous weapon: Mimic... duplicating Multiple Man. This might be considered cheating, but if not, you can have about 40 mimics, each running around with 5 powers. Pretty much any powerset you can imagine gives this guys unlimited flexibility.

In terms of not-dumb-geek teams, I'd go with the all-accents team Scott suggested. You can never get tired of reading apostrophes.

mrmanatee said...

Finally, I'd like to throw in a vote for Strong Guy aka Guido in any decent team. Who doesn't love Guido?

Mr E said...

My dream line-up: Cyclops, Wolverine, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Rachel Summers (in either the 'hound' costume or her 80s Phoenix look, and going through that mental period), Quicksilver and Warlock (imagine the fun with those two). Maybe swap one of them for Namor - Marvel's first mutant, lets give him a go.

tenzil said...

I'll third the Doug Ramsey love.

The All-New, All-Different, All-Unexpected X-Men:

Aging in realtime, bitches.

1. Danielle Moonstar (field leader)

Interesting power, and a flying goddamn horse.

2. Sunspot

Dude is at least as strong as Colossus.

3. Cannonball

Admit it, it's a dope power.

4. Karma

Just an interesting character with a great backstory.

5. Wolfsbane (prim-and-proper, not Liefielded out)

If I were writing it,I would downplay the furry weirdness and hook her up with Karma.

6. Doug Ramsey (just get Superboy to hit the walls of the Marvel Universe a few times)

There should be a whole thread on how useful his power is. Imagine having a team-mate who could hack into any computer instantaneously, could blend into any culture -even alien ones-, and could decode any encryption BY SIGHT.

7. Warlock

Self is FULL GROWN NOW and is one of the most powerful Marvel heroes. Self is not shitting you, remember Magus?

8. Magma (Roman, not British)

Immense power, funky fish-out-of water lifestyle.

And in the role of the Professor.....Kitty Pride and Wolverine jointly.

They'd all be in their mid-30's by now. Admit it, you would love to read about the classic New Mutants taking over from the semi-retired X-Men and bitching about how Generation X gives them 'no respect'.

These guys already saw it all as teenagers- Beyonder, Sentinels, Demon Bears, alternate futures where they turn evil, slaves to the Hellfire Club, Asgard, the Magus, and that guy who looks just like Mr. T and threatens 'your momma'... Axe!

jake saint said...

Kitty's Dead Beaus Team (with Kitty as leader) :

Colussus (nda - not dead anymore)

Cypher (sd? - still dead?)

Pete Wisdom (nda)

Warlock ('cause he and Doug shared everything - nda)

Magik (off-panel, Illyana and Kitty would practice kissing - sd?)

Wolverine (in that creey way of his)(nqd - never quite dead)

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of going back to one X-Men team...the concept of 2 or more teams running around just dillutes the concept, especially since the writers of the books can't ever seem to get on the same page.

Dave's post on Uncanny X-Men number 200 got me to go back and read my X-Men comics from 175 to right before the Mutant Massacre. Wow, what a team! Storm, Rogue, Colossus, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Rachel/Phoenix, Shadowcat, Wolverine, Professor X. This team rocked, and it was cool that members would come and go to some extent but it would always come back to the same basic lineup.

In my opinion, Iceman and Angel should never have rejoined the X-Men. I liked the notion that they had simply grown older and moved on from being super-heroes, starting careers of their own. Ditto for Beast, who works best as an Avenger.

I like Havok, Polaris, Banshee, Dazzler, Captain Britain, Longshot, Gambit, Forge, Bishop, and Sunfire as trusted allies who are called upon for help every so often.

If I would change anything about the X-Men, it would be the lack of NON-MUTANT members. If their schtick is trying to create a world where mutants and humans can live together in peace, why don't they practice what they preach? I would dip into the Avengers pool of characters and bring in the Black Knight, Hercules, or Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau).

I do think a 'New Mutants' book is needed...it worked before, I don't see where it couldn't work now, operating as a sister team of the X-Men, perhaps out of Muir Isle. I imagine that Rhane Sinclair was Moira's heir (Or Professor X was) and inherited the island and its facilities. This could be a home for all those great "young" characters who seem to mostly hang around in limbo these days. Mirage as the leader, with Cannonball, Magma, Skids, Chamber, Jubilee, Sunspot, Karma, Husk, Meltdown, Skids, and the long-forgotten Wiz Kid. One of their adventures could involve the also-long-forgotten Fallen Angels and finding out what they've been up to the past several years.

Anonymous said...

Mimic
Peeper
Shamrock
Sunspot
Collective Man (flies the plane)
Willie Evans Jr.
Beuatiful Dreamer

Larry Trask -- leader

I think about half my team is dead, though.

-- Tom Spurgeon

Grotesqueticle said...

Gamma radiation triggered latent mutant powers within Leonard Samson

Christ, quit reading comics for 15 years or so, and you really fall behind. Aren't most of Marvels heroes, mutants? The ones who aren't outright mutants, had "trigger" events, that brought out their latent mutant abilities?

plok said...

The "flies the plane" requirement is more important for characters than the "must be Wolverine" requirement.

And no, I don't think Wolverine knows how to fly the plane.

But yeah, if Magneto can be Professor X, then why can't Larry Trask be Cyclops?

Jason Fliegel said...

This post raises a question that's been bouncing around my brain for the past few years:

What the hell is up with those creepy oversized-head cartoon versions of every single character DC or Marvel ever published?

Anonymous said...

I would put Videoman on my team, too. He was training at Xavier's, last we knew.

-- TS

Jer said...

An X-Men team with Videoman on it would guarantee that Marvel got my $3 every month. Even if Chuck Austin were writing it, it would still be worth my $3. Especially if he shouted "VIDEOMAN" every month and still looked like he just stepped out of a Pac-Man game.

DougBot said...

I was hoping somebody would bring up Videoman. He had such 8-bit powers. Wait, 4-bit.

(Plus, voiced by Donny Most!)

Luke said...

I have a friend who recently re-fell in love with Cyclops. You see, he just found out that Cyke's eyebeams are physical force and not some kind of energy.

As my friend puts it, "The dude's slapping people with his eyeballs. BADASS!"

Doctor Sordid said...

Late to the party as always, here's my magnificent seven: Cyclops, Beast, Nightcrawler, Rogue, Psylocke, Exodus, and Madison Jeffries. Yeah, I said Madison Jeffries!

Cartoonist Manifesto said...

My dream X-Men team:
Cyclops
Angel
Beast
Marvel Girl
Ice Man

But I think those cowards over at Marvel haven't the guts to put such a team together.

Mallet said...

The most powerful mutant of all?

Squrriel Girl.

She's beaten Thanos and Dr. Doom!

Not even Wolverine can say that.

Just stick some no names around her and send her out to stop Magneto.

The book would sell like hot cakes!

Hell she can even fly a plane!

William G said...

Dave Campbell's Unexpected X-Men

I would so buy a comic with this team-up. It'd be like Marvel's version of Doom Patrol.

NiolK said...

If Marvel don't hire you to do this comic they must have there heads in assland. and I fuckin love Sunfire he kicks ass the fact that he's such a rude c**t makes him rule even more.

Anonymous said...

I just realized you could do a team entirely with the Summers clan.

Cyclops, Jean Grey, Havok, Rachel Summers, and Cable.

Those five would be the core team, then you could swap out (as hero or villian) Kid Vulcan, Stryfe, Mr. Sinister, X-Man, Mother Askani (or any of those Askani chicks), Blaquesmith, Madeline Prior, and Genesis.

Wil said...

8th rung mutant who's power is to repeat everything you say.
"Rawwk! Dammit, BUB. My healing factor can't get rid of these crabs! Rawwk!"


There is a mutant like that, Kylun, former member of Excalibur.

I'll go now ...

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind seeing someone with a mimic power - but one that was TOTAL. No half measures - they became an exact duplicate of their target, right down to the personality. And how's that for a limiter? Sure, you can imitate the powers of the other guy - but you also start thinking and acting like them. Better be *really* careful about who you pick...

Anonymous said...

I propose two lineups. The first capitalizes on the "1 in 6 chance of going apeshit" by putting seven such people together:

Jean Grey
Polaris
Havok
Emma Frost
Scarlet Witch
Wolverine
Magik

The second team would have the following members:

Beast
Nightcrawler
Mystique
Nocturne
Namorita
Archangel
Iceman

They would be known as (ahem) The Blue Mutants

EhC said...

Evan's Totally Awesome X-Men Team That is Better Than Dave's (and everyone else's, for that matter!) ...

CYCLOPS (Scott Summers): Team leader; co-headmaster of Xavier's Academy; optic energy blasts, trigonometric computation.

WHITE QUEEN (Emma Frost): Co-headmaster of Xavier's Academy; telepathy, diamond form.

ARCHANGEL (Warren Worthington III): Flight, projectile wing blades, healing blood.

BEAST (Hank McCoy): Superhuman strength & agility, heightened senses, Genius IQ.

ICEMAN (Bobby Drake): Ice generation & construction, atmospheric temperature control, thermal vision.

MIRAGE (Danielle Moonstar): Psychic illusions, psionic energy bolts, telepathic communication with animals.

MAJIK (Illyana Rasputin): Teleportation, sorcery, bearer of The Soulsword.

DUST (Sooraya Qadir): Controllable sand cloud form.

STACY X (Miranda Leevald): Pheromone control, sheddable snake-like skin.

FANTOMEX (Jean-Phillipe; Charlie-Cluster 7; Weapon XIII): Multiple brains, nano-active blood, external nervous system, superhuman agility.

More details here. Featuring cool Ze Ball Breaker Micro-Hero graphics!

~ EhC

The Cassman Cometh: An Audio Blog

Anonymous said...

uh...did you read the one where wolverine kills northstar? he even mocks him for being a b-teamer all his life. i mean, that's cool that he can fly really fast, though...

Mister Sinister said...

My line-up:

Everyone in Dave's plus Magneto, Gateway (so no need for the Blackbird), Chamber (cause he looks cool), & throw Mesmero on.

Mesmero was like god in the old days. He took the X-Men & hypnotized them into a circus!

Of course, this was also the time that Storm would strip spontaneously in front of ill-placed blocking objects & taking an immediate shower.

Banshee too,

Bishop-token, & he's fuckin cool


maybe the Beyonder, only if he can make himself look cool.

& finally, Scourge of the Underworld, I don't care he isn't a mutant. MacTaggert isn't Cooper isn't Jubilee is barely qualifying!

He would always fight w/ Wolverine


Instead of Northstar (filling the Team Asshole) (head-shake)

too easy

But i would replace him w/ ...

...

Xorn

he's got a f'in black hole for a brain.

Northstar's AIDS body would be crumpled by Xorn's badasseries

verif:

xjbyzwy-

the sound of Xorn melting Northstar

only pronouncable by Cypher

Anonymous said...

What about the "Ridiculously Omnipotent X-Men," which would feature:
-X-Man (Nate Grey, as team leader)
-Franklin Richards (with Artie and Leech to keep him company, of course)
-Legion (aka. David Haller, to fill the role of schizo psychopath)
-Dark Phoenix (to keep both of her children in line)
-And finally, Synch, because he could just mimic everyone else's ridiculous omnipotency. Try and beat that, Doc Samson.

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