Sunday, October 09, 2005

NEVER COOL: Skating Superheroes

You know what is really not cool? Leg warmers. They’re not even cool in an ironic way.

You know what else? Superheroes on skateboards or roller skates. Has that ever been cool? Ever? In 1980, was it cool? No. 1990? I say thee nay. For a brief moment in May of 1991, there was a window of opportunity during which a comic featuring a young Asian girl with rocket-powered inline skates would have been cool, but nobody capitalized on it. June of 1991 came, and then a comic about drift-racing would have been cool. O fickle winds of coolness, where will you blow next?

I submit to you this fundamental, Primal Truth: it is impossible to have a cool skating superhero.*

Rocket Racer, from Spider-Man?


Not cool.

Okay, Night Thrasher from The New Warriors? I was too lazy to find a picture of him skating, but that was the big deal with him, initially, he was the skating guy. So just imagine him doing Tae Bo or whatever he’s doing here – but with a skateboard.

Witness uncoolness:

And what's with the bandana around his leg? What is he, frickin' Chachi or something?
Dazzler originally started off as the roller disco superheroine in the pages of Spider-Man, but eventually evolved past the skates and into aerobics gear. To Dazzler I say don’t forget your roots, girl. Back in the day you were rocking those skates with the fat disco glitter wheels and shit – you had it going on. Embrace your disco past, girl!




Here is the zenith, the apex of skating uncoolness: Neal Adams’ Skate Man.



I’m sure I’m missing some skating heroes, but I am bloated and drowsy, and cannot be assed to do any research on the subject. That’s why God made Dan Coyle. Dan, who am I missing? Blue Streak, but I already did a post about him here.

Does DC have any skating heroes or villains? Marvel seems to have cornered the market on skating characters, trendy folks that they are. They also have The Silver Surfer who, you know, surfs and stuff. I’m hoping for Segway Man or Rascal 2K soon from the House of Ideas.

To counteract Marvel’s seeming monopoly on heroes who skate or surf or otherwise use recreational transportation, DC created The Black Racer, who, is Death in the form of a black skier who um, skis through the cosmos. That’s the only character I can think of. Help me out, here.

The motion picture industry is always keen to exploit any comic fad, so skating/skiing/surfing heroes have received the Hollywood treatment as well. Unfortunately, the public wasn’t ready for a gun-toting child with Dolph Lundgren’s giant head and a thirst for vengeance. He’s got a sled and he knows how to use it: Death Sled. This one was only released in Germany, where it did pretty well on DVD.

Okay, the jokes are getting lamer; time to quit while I’m a-sled. Ha HA! I fucking kill me!

* There is an exception to this rule which I call the Street Angel Corollary.

60 comments:

call me jack... said...

Iron Man had roller skates at one point. but it still wasn't cool.

Jer said...

Don't forget - Jack Kirby created the Black Racer, so DC's only entry into the whole "recreational transportation" themed superheroes is in some ways more "Marvel" than "DC".

And Marvel also brought us "Deathurge" - another Death-themed character on skis.

jake said...

Miho's rollerbladed while slicing guys up with her katana in Sin City Family Values.

I got nuthin'.

kyyle23 said...

i think all of those comic book characters are now recurring characters in a show my daughter watches, called Static Shock.

Static Shock, graveyard of the skating superheroes(and heroines)

RobB said...

Big heads on little people = COMEDY GOLD.

Big heads on little people sitting on a sled with a gun larger than their big head = COMEDY AIRWOLF PLATINUM.

Thanks Dave, I nearly busted a gut when I saw that photo

David Campbell said...

I'm here to help.

Captain Infinity said...

The Teen Titans fought a whole group of skateboarding villains known as the Rocket-Rollers way back in TT (original series) #49. I thought they were cool back then, but hey, I was only nine years old. I still have that issue by the way.

Dave Carter said...

Street Angel: heroine on a skate board. And very, very cool.

Brad said...

I like Rocket Racer. I can't help it. Somehow, a fondness for losers like him, Prowler, and Puma was imprinted on me from an early age because they were recurring characters in the Spider-Man comics at the time. That said, your thesis is rock solid. It's especially sad that they missed the Asian rocket skate girl window. That one's not opening again in our lifetimes, at least.

gwalla said...

Skate Man gets bonus schmuck-points for wearing two by twos. Oy vey!

David said...

Anyone remember CARVERS? Snowboarding comic.

It makes sense that Marvel had these skating guys. After all, they had a villian on stilts.

gorjus said...

Yikes! Of course, this is oh-some. In Ronin Ro's semi-decent "Tales to Astonish," he reported that Jack actually hoped the Black Racer could become a character as popular as the Silver Surfer (who was apparently a big deal back in the day).

Spencer Carnage said...

As soon as I saw the title to today's posts, I knew I was gonna be upset as one of my favorite guilty pleasures involves the skateboarding hero, Night Thrasher. To this, I'm going to blog about the coolness that is Night Thrasher once work releases me from its Non-Columbus Day celebrating grips.

So not Airwolf at all.

Bully said...

Completely Airwolf post! And don't forget the Clooney movie Batman on roller skates. Oh wait, yes, please do.

Okay, the jokes are getting lamer; time to quit while I’m a-sled. Ha HA! I fucking kill me!

You missed one obvious pun:

"Okay, the jokes are getting lamer; time to quit while I’m a-sled. Ha HA! I f---ing* sleigh me!"

The moral of the story: never go for one pun where two or more can do.

(*I'm just a little stuffed bull. I'm not 'lowed to cuss.)

Steve said...

Rocket Raccoon has rocket-powered space skates. Space-skating raccoons, if drawn by Mike Mignola, are cool.

John DiBello said...

Rocket skis on the Sportsmaster at DC:

http://www.superdickery.com/stupor/28.html

SW said...

DC had the Scarlet Skier from Justice League (He was the arch-villain of Gnort) and the old Flash villain, the Golden Glider.

And the Black Racer once fought Captain Atom. Just thought you ought to know, since you hate Captain Atom and all.....

Hey! What about Slyde, from Spider-Man? This was a guy that slid around in a teflon suit! It sure looks like skating....

Adam Reck said...

Dave, I think your argument's debunked with Miho in "Family Values". Miller's got a thing for skates (see DK2).

DougBot said...

I seem to recall Cyberella (Chaykin's entry in the much-missed Helix line from DC) had some skate action going on.

In addition to her mocking-the-reader powers. And green hair.

Dan Coyle said...

Dave, without a doubt, that is one of the finest compliments I have recieved, And yes, I DO have a skating heroine for you. Behold the crappiness that is Frank Thorne's Ribit!

http://www.milehighcomics.com/cgi-bin/backissue.cgi?action=enlarge&issue=68857553534%201

This four issue series, published in 1989, is one I'm ashamed to have actually read. It's a sloppy, goofy Heavy Metal riff featuring a frog that gets turned into a sword slinging babe. Thorne's art is good, but his writing? Umm.

kelvingreen said...

Um... does Bart Simpson count?


So that's where the "Thrasher" in Night Thrasher is from. I've always wondered about that. And now I'm a bit disappointed.

Capn Ho said...

Just to expand on the Iron Man on skates thing a bit, I remember he had these rocket powered skates that popped out of the bottom of his boots occasionally. Without a doubt, the worst armor accessory ever.

Winterteeth said...

Worse than when Stark had that blender installed for Mai Thais?

graig said...

Of course the Scarlet Skier was a satire of the Silver Surfer... but I digress.

Spencer Carnage said...

Night Thrasher is not the suxxor

Anonymous said...

Kitty in Uncanny X-Men 149-150 wears rollerskates, which accentuate her immaturity, eliciting Magneto's pity ("She's merely a child!"), and causing him to refrain from killing our heroes.

David Campbell said...

Ahh, Ribit. Dan Coyle does not fail me.

I can't believe I forgot Slyde and DC's Golden Glider. I remember liking Slyde's outfit, with the goggles and stuff.

Y'all should check out Spencer Carnage's post (linked above) about Night Thrasher. You may change your mind and decide Night Thrasher is cool... Maybe.

Dan Coyle said...

In Buddy Scalera's final issue of Deadpool there was a guy who didn't have skates but who ran really fast, with speedy shoes. It was a hilarious Wile E. Coyote Riff. Deadpool blew him away in the end, after two old ladies hired him to whack the guy because his running bothered them.

Andy said...

There was a dude in X-Statix, I think, who had a skateboard. It was near the end of the time that I read it, so the details are foggy, but I think the guy had some sort of abusive relationship with his board or something. Man, that comic was all sorts of odd.

Paul S. said...

You know I'm surprised we have yet to see a hero on a pair of inline skates.

jake said...

Does anyone remember off hand if Speedfreek was on jet-powered roller skates or am I just imagining things?

Did Speedfreek ever show up in anything else?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that Iron Man roller skates thing was not only dorky, but it also just confused the crap out of me. The guy could fly at Mach 5...why was he roller skating?!? I mean, sure, flying to get the morning paper might have been overkill, but I'd have to believe in my heart that the other Avengers mocked him relentlessly (Even Vision) when those skates popped out. And he was the one paying the bills...

gorjus said...

No way, man! Iron Man used the skates when his armor was drained of power. Which? Was ALWAYS happening. It was the 1960's kryptonite of Tony Stark.

This is around the time when the suit could, like, retract into the chestplate. Um, which he had to wear, because it was his, uh, pacemaker.

Man.

Edward Liu said...

Yo, Dave...um, Matt Wagner made da grackleflint kids in, like, Mage: The Hero Defined ride they magic skateboards n' wear skate rat clothes.

N'shit.

Matthew said...

There's a scene in the movie Silverhawk (starring michelle yeoh) that astoundingly (really, I was astounded) takes the rollerblading villains from batman and robin and makes them cool.

No, seriously.

You should check out silverhawk anyway as it's a really good hong kong action superhero movie.

Patrick said...

Ed, did you use the Snoop Dogg Shizzalator to make that obscure reference?

Tycho B. said...

I seem to vaguely remember the "Air Wave" backup strip in Action comics c. 1980. He was a kid who could travel via radio waves, but it was explained in one of the stories that he was the son of the original Air Wave, who would ride along high-tension power cables on roller skates.

The aforemention "original Air Wave", surprisingly, was dead.

Augie De Blieck Jr. said...

When she was Wolverine's sidekick in his solo title, Jubilee spent an awful lot of time on a pair of in-line skates. Since noted Southern California boy Marc Silvestri was drawing the book at the time, it made perfect sense.

Edward Liu said...

"Ed, did you use the Snoop Dogg Shizzalator to make that obscure reference?"

Nah, but the reference would be clear if you did read Mage: The Hero Defined.

N'shit.

5c11 said...

I remember an episode of the old Nightman tv show where he had to learn to skate so he could infiltrate a gang of theives who used rocket powered rollerblades. Instead of, you know, just showing up at the mall and punching them which probably would have been easier (or actually I can think of dozens of ways to defeat rocket-powered rollbladers, like installing carpet for one).

Don't know if that counts but it might have happened in the comic too (I don't think I've ever physically seen a Nightman comic), and it made Nightman even lamer if such a thing is possible.

Peter said...

She may not be a hero, but I believe that in the recent "The Ride" comics, there's a girl called, hmm, Candi, I bet, who is a hired assassin on inline skates and who gets off on violence and mayhem (quite literally, as one panel shows her frigging herself while everything goes kaboom ;))

Dan Coyle said...

Bob Hall's hideous Armed and Dangerous, a Sin City ripoff published through Acclaim's Windjammer imprint, had a bubblegum chewing assasinette on roller blades years before Miho in SC.

Daniel E. Renfer said...

What about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? While not exclusivly skateboarding heroes, they were often seen packaged with cheap plastic sewer skateboards.

Note: this picture does nothing to help them however.

JoeBrown said...

okay, can't believe this didn't come up what about Brian Wood's the Couriers? do they count as heros?

Or Ramona Flowers? Also not quite a hero, but that battle with Knives Chau in the public ibrary, pretty bitchin.

Anonymous said...

The Joker's Daughter, Teen Titan #183, had retractable roller skates built into her shoes.

I'm not sure which is sadder; that I know this, or that I care enough to post month after anyone will ever see this.

Anonymous said...

i just came across this page whilst looking for a good place to buy legwarmers....i know its a really old page but i'd like to say leg warmers are cool.....and they can look sexy, they have evolved from the tight ballet style to something a bit better such as these, they are great!!! :) http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/CUTE-COSPLAY-Loose-Socks-POM-POM-Leg-Warmer-Warmers-2a_W0QQitemZ7580402884QQcategoryZ1063QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Anonymous said...

I know this is an old ass post, but i Had to put my two cents in here. Someone mentioned the guy from Xstatix, I think his name was El Guapo or something. Let me tell you why he was cool 1. the mentioned board did abuse him.

2. He was designed to make fun of the x-treme sport types.

3. HE GOT HIS LEGS CUT OFF in battle. That wasn't really a F&@k yeah moment, more like a OMG! This is crazy moment! I think he stuck with the team, legless but still using his board until he got killed, like everyone else on the team.

God I loved that comic.

Shaido22 said...

Just take back what you said about the Night Thrasher, and I won't exact the revenge I've been planning...

Martin said...

I have this vague recollection of H.Y.D.R.A. (or was it AIM) agents skateboarding to action in an early issue of Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

ghostman said...

In the Hawk and Dove monthly (as opposed to the mini that preceded it), they ran into a Female Fury-in-training named, of all things, Speed Queen. Not making that up. She had motorized shoes that tore up the streets.

I know you covered him, but Blue Streak's original costume was even lamer than his gas mask number--it was a disco special with huge bell bottoms and rhinestones and everything. No wonder he betrayed his fellow S.H.I.E.L.D. Super Agents.

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