Tuesday, September 25, 2007

We're back and we're Cracked

Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm eastbound, just watch old Bandit run

-Eastbound and Down
by The Great Jerry Reed

OK, we're back.

The road trip east beyond the Rockies to pick up the Megaforce Destroyer was a success, but very grueling. Fortunately there were three of us, so we switched driving duties while the others caught what sleep they could. We pulled three all-nighters in various weather conditions and arrived back in Seattle totally bleary. Highlights included ghost towns, semi-ghost towns, Yellowstone, fall colors in the Jackson Hole area, a truck vs buffalo showdown (advantage: buffalo), a really mean thunderstorm, a flat tire, nearly running out of gas in the middle of Nowhere twice, evil waitresses, and a lengthy debate on the merits (or lack thereof) of adapting old cartoons and TV shows to film.

The highlight for me was a two-hour hellride in the dead of night along a remote highway in Wyoming that was boiling with animals, all of whom seemed intent on jumping in front of the truck while I drove. Seriously, I felt like one of the cars in Frogger. Every thirty seconds or so, jack rabbits, deer, antelope, or coyotes would loom up in the highbeam glare as they suicidally flung themselves in front of my vehicle. Judging by the amount of gore and carcasses on the road, other drivers had the same experience. Either that or I was following some kind of animal serial killer. That was some nerve-wracking shit. Oh, and I saw a UFO on that road.

But now I'm back and the moustache I had cultivated just for Wyoming has morphed into a big scuzzy growth of stubble that collects lint and scraps of food.

While I was gone the good folks at Cracked.com posted a few pieces I had written for them. The first, written with the Cracked staff, explores the philosophical musings of Wesley Snipes, who has much wisdom and head-kicking to offer us all.

The second piece examines the most disturbing and disturbed sidekicks in history. What force compels the craven bootlicking of Smithers, Renfield, or that guy from Morris Day & The Time who seems to exist only to hold up a mirror to Morris Day. I'm not speaking metaphorically, that's all he does.

So now that my annual road trip is out of the way and I've used up all my vacation time for the fiscal year, I can commence posting on a regular basis again.

No, really. I know you've heard it before baby, but I can change.


Christian O. said...

For the record Rene Diff is not huge here. Though he does own some elitist bullshit bar.

Khairul H. said...

You saw a UFO? Do tell

Anonymous said...

Though there does seem to be an increase in over-all scruffiness, the mustache in particular seems unchanged from the pre-road-trip photo. For whatever it's worth.

Glad you made it back relatively unscathed. We eagerly await further details of UFOs, evil Waitrons, and the Megaforce doohickey.

Phillip said...

Jerome? Jerome is awesome! I wish I had someone to hold my mirror.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I have a friend who hung with Jerry Reid sometime ago at the Illinois State Fair. He said the man can drink a lot, which I don't find suprising at all.

RWE said...

you know, I was runner up in the "Who wants to hold Morris Day's mirror" contest. Took me weeks to perfect my routine, but that damn Jerome really stole the show with the shoulder brushing. Honestly, it happened.

Looking forward to some more frequent posting, Dave!

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Jesus, Dave, is that you? I think you forgot to mention the part where you got assaulted by Hell's Angels.

The Outsider said...

I wish I had known you were coming through Wyoming- I would have waved! Sounds like the animals you saw on the highways were actually fewer in numbers than is normal. If you happened to pass through a small town called Lander (Which if you went to Yellowstone by going north on Hwy 287, you did), that's my hometown. I read your blog every Friday when I work overnight at the local hotel, and since I work in the day, too, I end up looking almost as bleary-eyed as your "after" photo!

Anonymous said...

Huh ... I was reading this blog at the Best Western in Lander this very Friday. Freaky.

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