Thursday, September 01, 2005


Sorry, there will be no Boob War post on Friday* because I'm taking a little time off to get a colonoscopy. Ever had one? This will be my fourth or fifth medically sanctioned anal probe, and let me tell you something: it's no damn good.

So think of me, fellow comic geeks, for while you peruse the Internet I will be sedated in a hospital in Seattle while Dr. Caligula goes on a Fantastic Voyage deep inside my bowels. Be grateful that you are not getting mecically sodomized and take a moment to appreciate your healthy intestines. And tonight when you get home from school or work, give your significant other a kiss and hold them tight and just be happy that you are not getting "The Turkish Prison Treatment."

Think of me, dear reader, for when I am getting my colonoscopy, I will be thinking of you.

Actually, I'll just be thinking about Kevin.

*The good news is that I will be extending Boob War Week for another few days. More boobs for everyone, I say.


Shon Richards said...

Best wishes on your colonthingy.

The question though is, what comicbook most resembles your up coming colon assault?

Dirk said...

Sorry to hear about your colonoscopy. I was diagnosed with colon cancer about 3 years ago and had to undergo several of those things. Drinking that tub of colon cleaning stuff the day before is the worst.

Good luck and I hope everything comes out ok :P

Tegan O'Neil said...

I had to have one of those a few months back. Not exactly fun, but they at least try to make it as painless as possible.

Anonymous said...

Uh, Dave, umm...not to be an alarmist or scare you or anything, but that guy staring in the ass-tube-thingy in the picture there? I think that's a ninja. So be careful Dave. The last thing you want is anyone working for the "Hand" or called "Elektra" sticking anything in there.

All kidding aside, good luck with the procedure. We'll be thinking of you. After Kevin, of course (okay, "most" kidding aside).

running42k said...

hope it goes well

Matt Shepherd said...

I had one of those camera tubes shoved up my nose and through my sinuses a while back.

Jeez, I hope they have dedicated camera tubes for different body parts. I don't care how much they sterilize.

Kevin Church said...


I'm pre-emptively thanking you for your kind thoughts during your anal procedure. I sincerely mean it when I say I really, really hope they don't sneeze or suffer a muscle spasm during the procedure.

Get better. Or I'll slug you. In the butt.

Batiduende said...

The question though is, what comicbook most resembles your up coming colon assault?

Lets hope it's note League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Vol.2

Anonymous said...

If that MS Paint image you posted accurately depicts your own anatomy, you got one fine, fine ass there sir!

Anonymous said...

It was almost 9. I walked into a bright, well decorated room only to be confronted by two boys in their early 20s. They wore nothing but full-body white spandex. As I said: nothing; no underwear amigo - and they seemed to be neither ashamed, nor proud of it. That was their uniform, nothing more.
They were professionals.

They nodded me to have a seat and the blond one offered me an orange juice. He whispered: relax, it will be okay.

He was a good medical assistant and he knew it. I drank the juice, while looking him in the puppy dog full brown eyes.


I wake up dazed and confused. I can't focus my eyes on anything. I drift into sweet oblivion. Hey, that doctor was supposed to be the best in the whole western hemisphere.

5 minutes later, I feel a hand on my right shoulder. I gently wake up. The good doctor is smiling: everything went a-okay. I smile, despite having noticed the faint (and frankly unmistakable) odour of feces and blood. With his hand, he is unscrewing the camera emerging from where his left hand should be. He washes his arms under a faucet. I can't see him, but he smells betadine.


Sorry for a laughable attempt at a colonoscopy fan fiction. The said piece's hero isn't me, nor someone I know.
But hey, if you can do better, bring it on.

Actually, both I and my father have had our colons (cola ?) checked once each. It's a bad experience, which can become even worse if you are diagnosed with something (most often it would be something unpleasant). It turned out that for both him and me, our bowels were *clean* and the doctors reckoned our conditions derived from stress.

As a medical student I have witnessed a few colonoscopies and been around people with bowel illnesses (sorry for my english, guys) and really, it is something to avoid.

Colonoscopy wise, the worst part was the morning just before the procedure, when I had to insert two laxative capsules up my ass and use two bottles of enema. The whole process is really psychologically unbearable and exhausting. Fortunately, on that afternoon I went with my friends and saw Episode II. /smiley face that winks

PS While I washed myself thoroughly after the procedure and do so very often, for a couple of days I could not help but detect a faint smell of blood and shit coming from my ass.

PPS I just demonstrated how a non-native english speaker (sometimes I deliberately mangle english, though) can write art stemming (like a rose) from the crass act of colonoscopy. I hope there is a Hugo award for blog comments and I am eligible for that.

PPPS I hope you are all well and don't ever have to undergo a colonoscopy ever again, unless you it's for your private entertainment or you are old and are doing it as a part of the routine check up. I was about to use some 'ben dover', 'as a whole', 'um... to rect... um..., to rectify the notion' jokes (try to guess which jokes were made up by me!); but could not fit them in anywhere in the context of my post.

Anonymous said...

I thought Anal War was next week!

Sweet sneak preview!

Anonymous said...


Best wishes on the colonoscopy, but be thankful that it is what it is. I was unfortunate enough to have the flexible sigmoidoscopy, which is the same procedure for the most part, without drugs!. Oh yeah. Gee Doc, if you're not going to knock me out first, the least you can do is whisper in my ear a little, get me excited about the project...nah, that wouldn't help.

Good Luck Dave!

Angry Android said...

Me dad's a surgeon, and he let me sit in & watch him perform a felxible sigmoidoscopy. I don't know what's worse; the utter discomfort the patient seemed to be in, or the jokes my dad was making during the procedure. Every polyp he'd see on the television monitor, he'd say, "That's a $20 bill there!" or "That's worth a Franklin!"

Of course, I'm there screaming, "Dad! You know the patient's awake, right?" To which the woman weakly replied, "It's all right. I think it's kind of funny." Then again, you'd think anything a doctor with a fiber optic tube up your lower intestines says is funny.

thekelvingreen said...

Yikes. Best of luck, and I hope the doctor doesn't find anything particularly nasty during the spelunking. Well, obviously he'll find something nasty it being the arse, but you know what I mean.

Best of luck Dave, and come back to us resplendent with boobies!

Um... not literally of course, unless this is a two-for-one deal at the hospital.

Seriously, hope it all goes okay.

Anonymous said...

No colonoscopy fan fiction ?


Anonymous said...

Sorry for a laughable attempt at a colonoscopy fan fiction. The said piece's hero isn't me, nor someone I know.
But hey, if you can do better, bring it on.

You just wrote a book. Not a comic book!

All jokes aside good luck Dave. I also have had one of these colon snake things. The worst was the trap door on my ass the day before.
Lets just hope no one like Doc Oc is working on you.

Chris Arndt said...

I'm sorry that at the end of Boob Week we get a computerized arse shot.

Thanks Dave. This not how I want to be thinking of you.

David Campbell said...

Thanks everybody! My colon probe went great - I gave the doctor a $20 and asked for a "happy ending," but he didn't think that was very funny.

I too, have had the pleasure of a flexible sygmoidoscopy, sans medication. You know it's bad when half-way through the procedure the nurse leans down and says quietly, "You're doing great. Most people scream." I kid you not, true story.

Anonymous said...

"Be grateful that you are not getting medically sodomized and take a moment to appreciate your healthy intestines."

No can do. Crohn's Disease. 1977-97 on prednisone. Intestinal resection that left me with a ;Thank heaven most doctors no longer make one drink a "tub" of anything, just a few doses of Fleet PhosphoSoda. And that they give better drugs than Valium nowadays -Versed and Demerol are almost worth the prep and IV.

Glad yours went well.

--Mr Ripley

Anonymous said...

*so confused*

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Scot said...

This won't really have effect, I think so.
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