Nostalgiametrics: The Science of Today for Yesterday's Crap

Have you ever watched a movie or TV show that you loved as a kid and just been shocked - shocked, I say! - by how crappy it was? Sadly, stuff that seemed great when you were a kid is often revealed to be utter shit, and that can be hard to take. Believe me, I know. I had a full-on existential meltdown when I realized that Charles in Charge was not the comedic masterpiece that I remembered. I was like, "What is truth if this is a lie?"

As a handsome man once said here:

"Nostalgia is deception wrapped in sentiment. Nostalgia is a ghostly lover dressed in a lovely, old-fashioned gown, who beckons you to dance with her, to make love to her… and then she turns into a hideous mummified ghoul who rips your throat out with her teeth and blood gushes and the screaming, my God, the screaming… That is nostalgia."*

Gosh, if only there were some way to scientifically determine whether or not say, an old network TV show sucked or not, so we could spare ourselves the pain and disillusionment...

Well now there is!

Introducing Nostalgiametrics: The Science of Today for Yesterday's Crap

Using the patented Nostalgiametric grading system, we can now quantify a show's suckiness or lack thereof. It's simple: just pick a favorite old TV show, run it through the Nostalgiametric Checklist to assign it quality points, and then add up the points to get your Nostalgiametric Quotient!

Here's the Nostalgiametric Checklist for One Hour Network Television Programs:

_______________________

The Main Guy(s)

• Doesn't suck: +5 points (Incredible Hulk, Wild Wild West)
• Is William Shatner: +5 points (T.J. Hooker, Star Trek)
• Is a Woman: +3 points (Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman)
• Superpowers: +3 points (Man from Atlantis, Greatest American Hero)
• Ex-astronaut: +3 points (Buck Rogers, Six Million Dollar Man)
• Ex-soldier: +2 points (Magnum P.I., BJ and the Bear)
• Ex-convict: +2 points (Rockford Files)
• Ex-cop: +2 points (Booker, Renegade)
• Cop/agent: +2 points (Hunter, Martial Law)
• Hot cop: +3 points (Miami Vice)
• Private eye: +2 points (Spenser for Hire, Vegas)
• Bounty hunter: +2 points (Renegade, The Fall Guy)
• Can fly helicopter/plane/spaceship: +2 points (Matt Houston, Airwolf)
• Mysterious loner who helps people in trouble: +2 points (Kung Fu, The Equalizer)
• Occasionally shirtless: +1 point (Wild Wild West, Starsky & Hutch)
• Always shirtless: +2 points (Magnum P.I., Man From Atlantis)
• Hunted by somebody: +2 points (A-Team, Incredible Hulk)
• Main character totally sucks: -5 points (Manimal, Automan)

Sidekick

• Dog: +3 points (Tales of the Gold Monkey)
• Monkey: +5 points (BJ and the Bear)
• Hot chick: +3 points (Hunter)
• Ernest Borgnine: +3 points (Airwolf)
• Robot/alien: +3 points (Buck Rogers, Alien Nation)
• Master of disguise: +2 points (Wild Wild West)
• Punching bag/goon: +2 points (The Fall Guy, Walker Texas Ranger)
• Dreamboat: +2 points (T.J. Hooker, JAG)
• Comic relief: +2 points (Riptide, Fantasy Island)

Theme Song

• Totally rules: +5 points (Magnum P.I., Six Million Dollar Man)
• Sucks ass: -2 points (Manimal, Misfits of Science)
• Written by Mike Post & Pete Carpenter: +5 points (Hill Street Blues, Rockford Files)
• Spoken word intro: +3 points (A-Team, Charlie's Angels)
• Sung by star of series: +3 points (Walker Texas Ranger, Fall Guy)
• Title of show mentioned in song: +2 points (BJ and the Bear, Love Boat)
• Gratuitous synthesizers: +2 points (The Equalizer, Airwolf)
• Theme song sucks bad: -5 points (Misfits of Science, B.J. and the Bear)

The Cast

• Lone wolf show: +3 points (Kung Fu, Incredible Hulk)
• Buddy show: +5 points (Hunter, Cagney & Lacey)
• Hero + posse show: +3 points (Walker Texas Ranger, T.J. Hooker)
• Ensemble show: +2 points (Love Boat, SWAT)
• Show named after buddies: +3 points (Starsky & Hutch, Tenspeed & Brownshoe)
• Romantic tension: +3 points (Moonlighting, Hunter)
• Old man buddy: +2 points (Hardcastle & McCormick, Jake & The Fat Man)
• Attractive buddies: +2 points (Miami Vice, Charlie's Angels)
• One attractive/one ugly buddy: -1 point (CHIPs)
• Hot chick: +3 points (Dukes of Hazard, Buck Rogers)
• Roddy McDowell: +2 points (Tales of the Gold Monkey)
• Science guy/mechanic: +2 points (Street Hawk, Bionic Woman)
• Patriarchal old dude: +2 points (Battlestar Galactica, Love Boat)
• Frustrated police lieutenant: +2 points (Rockford Files, Starsky & Hutch)
• Pilot: +2 points (Magnum P.I., 240 Robert)
• Token old dude on posse: +2 points (Walker Texas Ranger, Matt Houston)
• Major cast members replaced: -3 points (Airwolf, Dukes of Hazard)
• Minor cast members replaced/added: -1 point (Airwolf, Knight Rider)
• Hot chick added: +2 points (T.J. Hooker)

Transportation

• Normal vehicle: +1 point (Rockford Files, Heart to Heart)
• Boss vehicle: +3 points (Magnum P.I., A-Team)
• Super boss vehicle: +5 points (Airwolf, Street Hawk)
• Crazy ass stunts: +2 points (Fall Guy, Dukes of Hazard)
• Vehicle talks: +2 points (Knight Rider)
• Loaded with custom features: +2 points (Wild Wild West, Star Trek)
• Vehicle has a name: +2 points (Battlestar Galactica, Hardcastle & McCormick)
• Vehicle is frickin' huge: +2 points (Love Boat, Supertrain)
• Vehicle blows shit up: +3 points (Airwolf, Buck Rogers)
• More than one vehicle: +1 point for each extra vehicle (Miami Vice, Riptide)
  

Bonus features

• Two fights + one chase per episode: +3 points (T.J. Hooker, Hunter)
• Weapon/gadget created out of scratch each episode: +2 points (A-Team, MacGyver)
• Characters often pose as exotic dancers: +3 points (T.J. Hooker)
• Has spawned spin-off show: +2 point (Dukes of Hazard, B.J. and the Bear)
• Is spin-off show: -1 point (Enos, Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo)
• Shameless use of stock footage: -1 point (Airwolf)
• Non-lethal gunplay: -2 points (A-Team)
• Fights vampire at least once: +2 points (B.J. and the Bear, Starsky & Hutch, Buck Rogers)
  

_______________________

That's the basic Nostalgiametric Checklist for One Hour Network Television Programs. Now, let's add up all the points and see what your favorite show's Nostalgia Quotient is:

1-20 pts: Sucks ass. Try
to pretend it never existed - everyone else has.

21-25 pts: Some redeeming qualities. Watch it again after drinking a few beers.

26-30 pts: Halfway decent. Buy the DVD. Somebody out there has a website devoted to this show.

31-34 points: Kicks ass.
Begin letter writing campaign to network begging for the
show's return. Write fan-fiction or get a tattoo with the show logo.

35-40 points: Best show ever. Devote your life to this program and bludgeon anyone who speaks ill of it. Create a cult based on show. Name your children after characters on show.

Here are some examples for your reference:

Tales of the Gold Monkey - ABC's 1982 Raiders of the Lost rip-off starred Stephen Collins as Jake Cutter, a pilot/adventurer in pre-war South Pacific. Featured one-eyed dog and Roddy McDowell.

Airwolf

- Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine fly into danger and into our hearts in Airwolf, a super helicoppter. Extra points for awesome theme song, but loses points for replacing the entire cast for the last season. No Borgnine? No love.

T.J. Hooker

- William Shatner, Adrian Zmed, and Heather Locklear keep the streets of L.A. clean in this cop show. Shatner clung from every manner of speeding vehicle known to man, while Zmed and Locklear posed as exotic dancers on regular basis. Loses points for losing Zmed to Dance Fever.

*Wow, what kind of egomaniac quotes himself?

...aaand we're back.

OK, we're back. At my place of work, we have to use up all our vacation time before the end of the fiscal year in October. As a result, half the corporate headquarters packs up and leaves in September to burn off those extra vacation hours, and I am no exception. What have I been doing? Nothin'.

However, at the end of the month my pal Bob and I have yet another Epic Quest planned that should meet or surpass the level of radness of all previous Epic Quests. And that's saying something, since last time we were almost killed by a bear. All I can say right now is that it involves ghost towns, slat flats, and the film Megaforce.

Attached is a clip from the 70's martial arts epic Crippled Masters. Thanks to pal Kevin for the link.

Did everyone see that Iron Man trailer? Did everyone FREAK OUT at its awesomeness? I know I did.

More soon.

Less Than Compelling Covers

(Sorry I've been AWOL recently. I'm working on a big time-consuming project and frankly, even I get burnt-out writing about comics every now and then.)

Comic book covers are designed with one primary purpose in mind: to sell comic books. A cover can be a beautifully drawn masterpiece with holographic effects and 5 naked ladies - if it doesn't get somebody to stop, pick it up, and open the damn thing, the cover has not done its job.

Sometimes we forget this. After all, if you religously buy every issue of Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose **cough Chris Sims cough** then you're going to pick it up regardless of whether the cover blows or not. And when we get Tarot home and have mastur-- um, read it, we're just interested in whether the cover is pretty or not because we bought the damn thing already. But back in The Day, when comics were on spinner racks at 7-11, every cover was designed with commercial, not artistic demands in mind. It's why so many of those old Spider-Man comics from the 70s and 80s show Spider-Man getting his ass kicked or in some jeopardy. The kid browsing the racks would be all, "Holy shit! How's Spidey going to get out of this one? MUST BUY THIS!"

Which brings me to the point of this post. As I often do, I was digging through my back issues and I came across a couple of books with less than compelling covers. It was the cover to Aquaman #53 that did it for me. What about the cover to that comic would compel a casual browser to stop and pick it up? I still don't have an answer.

Take a look:

Pretty much the only thing commercially interesting about this cover is that it promises a guest appearance by Superman. Other than that... The cover asks the burning question: "Who's busier? Aquaman or Superman?" The answer: "Who gives a shit?"

Seriously, aside from the special guest star, why would anyone aside from an Aquaman completist pick this up? "Who is busier?" is not exactly what I would consider a raw, primal conflict. Let's see, Superman wakes up at 5:20, showers and shaves, grabs a bagel and catches the 6:15 train for downtown, arrives at work at 6:40, gets an Americano from the Starbucks in the Daily Planet lobby, has to wait for the damn elevator, gets to his desk at 6:50, checks his email for ten minutes before a 7:00 AM staff meeting, which he's 5 minutes late to because he has to save a drifting oil tanker off the Virginia coast... Let's see, Aquaman's tide clock wakes him at 6:30 SDT (surface dweller time), he hits snooze, wakes up at 7:00, has a breakfast of mussels and caviar while he checks the sports scores in the Tritonis Times, considers going back to bed or shaving... Yeah, Superman's busier. There, now you don't have to get that comic.

Here's a Gen13 cover that absolutely screams: "BUY THIS COMIC (and find out who wins the illegal iguana race)!" While the cover may accurately reflect the story inside, I ask you: is this a comic that demands your attention?

Again, iguana racing is not what I consider high drama. Let's ignore the fact that I actually purchased the comic, shall we?

Here's a Marvel UK comic, Death's Head II, that coasts on the old trick of just adding Wolverine or Spider-Man to a cover. Like most Marvel UK comics, Death's Head II sucked ass, so perhaps this lame cover is truth in advertising. But couldn't they have had Wolvie and 'Head actually doing something? Anything? Drinking tea? Bowling? Flying a kite together? Throw us a frickin' bone, Marvel UK - give us a reason to actually want to buy the book.


Finally, here's a continuity cocktail courtesy of crazy Roy Thomas - What If? vol 2 #36 - which poses the question that has been on fans' lips for decades: What if the Cosmic Avenger battled the Guardians of the Galaxy? Look, it's part 2 of 5. The question was so vast that it could not be contained in one, or two, or even four comics!


I gotta call bullshit on this one. The purpose of the What If? books was to explore paths not taken in familiar storylines. Some of the issues were kind of lame, sure, but at least they stuck to the central concept of the series. Asking what if the Cosmic Avenger battled the Guardians of the Galaxy is just cheating. Nobody aside from writer Roy Thomas knows or even cares who the Cosmic Avengers are. I can't imagine this thing was flying off the shelves.

You know, this was kinda fun. I'm going to have to look for more comics with less than compelling covers - books that lay untouched in comic stores because the covers send the clear message: DON'T BUY ME.

LOOK OUT!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - let me make it up to you:

You gotta watch out, man! You could get kicked in the balls at any time! Just keeping you frosty.

Off Topic: Time Wasting

DLB reader Philip turned me on to this old school Atari 2600 game label generator (which to be fair, he found over at Mike's) and now I've wasted a whole bunch of time screwing around. So, in lieu of actual content, you get this:

7 Easy Steps to Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine - FOR KIDS!

Congratulations, young apprentice! By spending a mere $50 (plus S&H) you have taken your first step on the path to Ultimate Martial Arts MASTERY!!!

If you are 12 or older and strictly adhere to my 7 Easy Steps to Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine, you will qualify to be a member of the Brown Dragon Society and will gain:

• Self-confidence bordering on arrogance!


• Total physical domination over any opponent – even your dad!


• Mastery of your yang, the Brown Dragon Force within us all!


• Special Brown Dragon Wig!


• Privilege of wearing exclusive Brown Dragon Fightwear and Brown Dragon Accoutrements!

Come then my young one and climb the 7 Steps to Ultimate Martial Arts Supremacy.

Step 1. - Make Your Body Into a Thing Like Steel

The first step to Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts Mastery is forging your soft flesh into an invincible suit of living armor, impervious to pain.

In ancient times, Brown Dragon apprentices would stand naked for days at a time atop a hot anvil while old women cursed them and beat their flesh with bamboo canes and spit mouthfuls of goat piss on to their welts.. We lost a lot of apprentices that way, but they were weak.

Unless you have access to a spiteful old crone and a goat, I recommend standing on an empty five-gallon paint bucket and flagellating yourself with a bike chain while listening to appropriate music ( such as Martial Arts Mood, the official Brown Dragon soundtrack, item #BD259 in our catalog). Do this every day after school for six weeks and you will become as hard and as rigid as a sword.

Step 2. Conquer the Brown Dragon Within

The cornerstone of Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts is dominating and harnessing your inner Brown Dragon, the yang force within us all. Unless you can seize control and firmly grasp your yang, you will never become a True Master like me, Lord Xavier Hellfist.

Since ancient times, the Wise Men of the Orient have taught us about the Brown Dragon, the embodiment of the yang that lives coiled deep within each of us. The Brown Dragon is maculine, “dark” energy – destructive and stinky. To become unconquerable in battle, you must grapple with your yang, the Brown Dragon inside you.

The process is deceptively simple. Find a quiet, isolated place, like a garage or tool shed. Light some incense (Brown Dragon Scent, catalog item BD #239) or, if your parents won’t allow it, use some air freshener. Calm your mind. Breathe deeply. Imagine a doorway opening inside you. Invite the Brown Dragon in. Be polite. Then -- defeat it in Psychic Combat!

(NOTE: Failure at this stage may result in brain damage, dementia, or an inflammatory bowel disease. YOU MUST NOT FAIL! GRASP YOUR YANG SERPENT! DEFEAT THE BROWN DRAGON! BECOME THE BROWN DRAGON!)

Step 3. Ball Strike!

I, Xavier Hellfist, won the 1973 World Fighting Arts Championship with this simple but devastating groinal assault – the Ball Strike.

Developed in the 16th century by frisky Shaolin monks who were always rough housing and playfully striking one another’s privates, the Ball Strike has developed over time from an adolescent crotch punching game into an entire fighting discipline, barudo.

The Ball Strike is almost as potent as the Death Punch, but only works on non-neutered male opponents. Avoid using this technique when fighting women, eunechs, or very old men.

To practice barudo, you must have a suitable target. I recommend buying bull testes from your local butcher and double wrapping them in a plastic bag. Hang the bag at crotch level and you are ready to begin.

Visualize your clenched fist as a meteor rocketing down from space and into your opponent’s crotch. Summon the Brown Dragon force within… and then punch. Optional: scream “BALL STRIKE!” as you punch. This will have no effect against bull testes, but will startle a living opponent.

Practice this 1,001 times. When you have attained mastery, practice the Ball Strike using your knees, feet, and steak knives. You are now ready.

Step 4. Fight Dogs

It can be difficult for a young apprentice to find a challenging opponent to test your mastery of Brown Dragon Ultimate Martial Arts. In years past, students would be cast into pits with cobras, wild boars, or pandas to challenge their skills. Unless you live in an area with an abundance of bears, venomous snakes, or aggressive pigs, I recommend that you practice by battling dogs.

Find the meanest dog in your neighborhood and challenge it to one-on-one combat. Often the mere act of stepping into a mean dog’s territory is sufficient to initiate the duel, but you may have to slap the dog in the snout or throw a rock at it. The dog will attack, but your body is like steel and you can harness the Brown Dragon power to defeat it. If you find yourself seriously mauled or bitten, wait until the next day and repeat the process until your victory is complete. Then eat the dog’s liver.

Now you have tasted real combat – and dog liver.

Step 5. Weapons Mastery

Becoming an Unstoppable Killing Machine means not only forging your body into an Engine of Death, but also becoming adept at the various Brown Dragon martial arts weapons. We recommend purchasing one of the quality weapons from our catalog, like stick ($10.95 + S&H, item BD439) or numchuk ($59.95 + S&H, item BD4310) or combat tine ($14.95 + S&H, BD310) - each comes with the Xavier Hellfist seal of approval and a 6 page instruction booklet.

Step 6. Become the Night

Brown Dragon Martial Arts Masters use stealth as well as force. You must become the night by transforming yourself into a living shadow.

We recommend wearing black clothing (Brown Dragon Body Stocking, catalog item BD #212) and standing completely still in a dark garage for 4-6 hours. If somebody sees you, start the whole process again. At some point you will either pass out, wet your pants, or you will Become the Night.



Step 7. Death Punch

Based on dim mak, the fabled “death touch” of other lesser fighting arts, the Death Punch is 127% more deadly. Ask yourself: what sounds more hardcore, touching someone to death or punching them to death? Ah, you see now, apprentice.

Put simply, the Death Punch is a close-fisted strike that harnesses the power of the Brown Dragon in order to totally kill somebody. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT THE DEATH PUNCH UNLESS YOU HAVE CONQUERED THE BROWN DRAGON WITHIN. The goal is to seriously kill somebody else, not seriously hurt yourself.

In order to master the Death Punch, you will need to practice on something other than a human being. I recommend watermelons, canteloupe, or bowling balls. Mount your target on a post at about eye level. Summon your inner Brown Dragon – feel the power flow through you and into your fist. Then… STRIKE!!! As your fist launches like a missile towards the target, scream “DEATH PUNCH!” At the top of your lungs. If you have done it properly, you will kill the watermelon.

After you have killed 66 melons or bowling balls, you will be ready to test the Death Punch on a living target. Find an annoying brother or sister…

CONGRATULATIONS young master! You are now ready for induction into the ranks of the Brown Dragon Society. Please send $25 to our P.O. Box and you will receive your very own Certificate of Deadliness from Xavier Hellfist himself, PLUS our new catalog! Allow 2-4 weeks for shipping.

MAIL ORDER NINJA TokyoPop, 2006

Either Mail Order Ninja writer Josh Elder and I share a love of the same things (ninja, cheap gags, harmlessly subversive humor) or TokyoPop shrunk down a team of former Cosmonauts and implanted them in my ear while I was sleeping to set up a tiny telepathic listening post in my frontal lobe so they could transmit my innermost fantasies back to their headquarters... and then they published this book. That is how much Mail Order Ninja speaks to me, that is how much Mail Order Ninja resonates with Inner Dave.

M.O.N. is a two-issue black and white paperback manga tale of a boy and his ninja from the folks at TokyoPop (am I doing their name right, with a capital T and a capital P?) that is the perfect gateway drug for young kids who aren't ready for La Blue Girl or Overfiend. Yet.

Kidding! There's not a randy tentacle in sight in this kid-friendly book, which deftly treads the narrow line between cute and cool. Writer Josh Elder and artist Erich Owens really strike the right tone with this book, which manages to be accessible to young readers without being patronizing. If there's one thing kids hate, it's material that talks down to them.

Young Timmy McAllister is a plucky little kid who has to deal with bullies, an obnoxiously rich social diva at his school, and a treacherous little sister. He loves his mom's chocolate chip pancakes and the manga Ninja Warrior Gunshyo above all things in life.

McAllister - who shares the same name as Lee Van Cleef's ninja character in the short-lived TV show The Master, BTW - enters the Ninja Warrior Gunshyo Giveaway in the fall Jacques Co. toy catalog, hoping to score a real live ninja of his own to play with. Yes, he wins the contest. It wouldn't be much of a comic book if he didn't.


That's the set-up. The first of two book just sort of playfully riffs on the central idea of "a boy and his ninja" and the second book features a battle against the aforementioned ultra-rich social diva and her own evil mail order ninja, who also happens to be the sworn enemy of Timmy's ninja. Elder and Owens cram the small pages with visual gags, sitcomy situations, and wry humor. If you don't like one joke, you just have to wait a panel or two before they serve up another.


My favorite bits in the book are the little biographical sidebars that they throw in for even the most minor characters, which are often hilarious. If Mail Order Ninja were a movie, it would be full of Trainspotting-style freeze frames with text for each character. The silent compliance of Jiro the ninja to Timmy's wishes is also pretty funny - he'll gamely play with Timmy up in his room because Timmy is his master, simple as that.

There's a multi-page ad for Jacques Co in the middle of the first book that still cracks me up. Jacques is a beret-wearing reformed arms dealer who decides to make ze children of ze world happy with ze toyz! His toyz are insanely dangerous - and therefore insanely popular.



Mail Order Ninja works on pretty much all levels for me - it speaks to the 13-year old boy inside me. No, I have not devoured a young boy, I'm speaking figuratively. The writing is fun but not pandering, and the art is expressive and, well, cute as hell. I expect great things from Josh Elder in particular, who is carving a strong career for himself as we speak. Yes, that's what that horrible nails-on-chalkboard sound is in the background, it's the sound of Elder carving.

I often hear people (such as myself) bitch about how tons of comics these days are just being written by aging fanboys for a shrinking market of other aging fanboys, with precious little material geared towards younger readers. Well shame on me if I can't sing the praises of a book that caters to a younger demographic without shutting the door on older readers. After all, those young readers will grow up to be the entitled aging fanboys of tomorrow. And isn't that what it's all about?

A goodbye to Mike Wieringo

Newsarama reported that artist Mike Wieringo has died at the age of 44.

Mike Wieringo's credits include Robin, The Flash, X-Men, Fantastic Four, and his own comic creation Tellos. I loved Wieringo's animated-style art, which was characterized by clean lines, a strong sense of structure and form, and a playful energy and sense of fun. My favorite work of his was his run on The Flash - Wieringo drew neat speed effects and one bad ass Wally West. We need more artists like Mike Wieringo in comics, not fewer.

Thanks and goodbye from a long-time fan.

Haappy Birthday Youngster!

Dave's Long Box gives a tip o' the hat and a jaunty salute to Chris Sims of The Invincible Super Blog, who on most days is my nemesis, the Sabretooth to my Wolverine. Today I'm burying the proverbial hatchet on account of it's the young fella's birthday, which means he can legally fornicate with womenfolk in South Carolina. Happy birthday you scrappy lil' rascal (ruffles Sims's hair playfully).

Dr. Slump will see you now, Sims!

Why you no post, Dave Campbell?

Take your pick:

a) I have been having annoyingly mittent (as opposed to inermittent) outages of my Internet service this week, which, in the words of David Lo-Pan, "pisses me off to no end."

b) I just finished a marathon tour of the LiveJournal slashfic community.

c) I shaved my head and began mixing GIANT BEER BOTTLES and psychoactives (like the guy below) which is not a good idea.

Shameless self-promotion: TEMPLAR

Do me a favor and go check out Templar, a comic book that I wrote and co-created with artist Ken Christiansen, who rules.

Templar is a five-issue comic book series full of automatic weaponry, zombies, fu, silver swords, werewolves, submarines, vampires, a demon, some blimps, and a commando assault on The Vatican. It's got everything you need in a comic, except tits. Sorry, no tits.

We decided to "publish" Templar online in this black and white ashcan format. Why?

Because we are pure of heart.

Take a look, won't you? Let me know what you think - unless you hate it, of course.

SUICIDE SQUAD #10 DC Comics, 1987

"Damn! We in trouble now!"

That's Amanda Waller's honest and entirely accurate reaction in SS #10 when she finds out that the Batman has snuck into Belle Reve Prison, the secret HQ of the Suicide Squad. They couldn't say "Holy fucking shit, it's Batman!" in Code Approved books back then, but that in essence is what Mrs. Waller is saying.

In the aftermath of DC's Millenium crossover, which was as robotic and awkward as it's Manhunter villains, the Suicide Squad catches Batman's attention in a bad way. It seems Batman doesn't approve of the Squad making a mockery of the justice system by using incarcerated supervillains to do its dirty work, and then freeing the bad guys when their community service is done. In Batman's opinion, that's unethical, unconstitutional, and just uncool. So he disguises himself as a prisoner, gets transfered to Belle Reve Federal Prison in the swamps of Louisiana... and it's go time.

Batman fakes out the surveillance camera in his cell, breaks out, finds his costume (which he had mailed as a care package), sneaks into the command center, and downloads the files he needs on to a floppy disc. It was the Eighties, man. Even Batman was rocking the floppies.*

The Wall notices something is amiss and returns to the control room...

Batman is in the house!

Batman is in the house!

Batman is in the house!

Now that Batman has "gone noisy" it's time for him to break out of Belle Reve, and if that means beating up the entire prison population, so be it. He pummels a bunch of guards, incapacitates Duchess with some Batgas (thanks to Alfred's garlic lasagna), kicks a dog,** ducks a bullet and cold-cocks Deadshot, and beats the shit out of Col. Rick Flag for five minutes before somebody calls time out.

Time for the stand-off. On one side we have Batman, who is the best in the world at whatever he does. On the other side we have Duchess, Deadshot, an armed and pissed Amanda Waller, unconscious Rick Flag (off-panel) and the evening maintenance crew. Actually, that may be The Moustache Squad - khaki clad daredevils who battle mid-life crisis with ADVENTURE!*** That's a tough call; The Moustache Squad know how to handle themselves and they might tip the scales the Squad's way. Still, Batman is invincible and The Moustache Squad tire easily.

Waller wants the floppy disc with 100k of Squad secrets that Batman took. Batman declines; he knows Waller won't kill him in order to keep their secrets. Despite being surrounded by armed people in the middle of a locked-down maximum security prison, Batman weirdly seems to have the upper hand.

Then The Wall drops The Bomb. She says that she's got a nice set of fingerprints from the cell he was in as a fake prisoner, and unless he backs off she'll use all the intelligence assets at her disposal to find out his secret identity and blow his cover.

What can Batman do? He's screwed. That's what happens when you start Playin' the Wall, my caped friend. Batman gives Waller his floppy.**** He also gives her his word never to speak about their agreement or what he's learned there tonight. "I'll find another way of bringing you down," Batman says as he walks out, unhappy.

Where Duchess comes from, promises are as rare as daisies. She can't believe Waller's letting him go:

Boy, I bet Batman was really upset. That must have been kind of awkward for him just walking out of the prison like that after getting schooled by The Wall. There was a long walk of shame to the Batmobile on that day, brother.

Thus ends Suicide Squad Week! Thanks for coming everybody. Drive safe.

*I swear never to write or utter that sentence ever again.

** Kidding. Batman would never kick a dog.

*** Amusingly, two members of the Moustache Squad have no moustaches and one has a beard.

****I swear never to write or utter that sentence ever again.

Friday Night Fights: Total Makeover, Duchess-Style

Bahlactus commands, and I obey: it's time for another Suicide Squad Week version of Friday Night Fights, the blog meme that asks: when is violence acceptable? Answer: Friday Night!

In Suicide Squad #18, Duchess, the butch beauty from Apokolips, goes up against The Jihad's Manticore II, who has a tail. Duchess likes the tail. She wants the tail. Duchess rips the tail off of Manticore's butt. She beats him with his own tail and spine. The end.

SUICIDE SQUAD #58 DC Comics, 1991

"Welcome to the Suicide Squad, Grant Morrison! Hope you survive the experience!"

Yes, comic book rock star Grant Morrison himself appears in the pages of Suicide Squad #58. Writer John Ostrander and Kim Yale slipped Morrison into the Squad line-up - and promptly kill him off - in what is either sly mockery or affectionate piss-taking, or both.

In this comic, an obligatory tie-in to DC's 1991 War of the Gods crossover event, the sinister anti-hero Black Adam enlists the help of the Suicide Squad for an attack on a witch's island chock full of Uzi-toting Amazons and werewolves. I mean, even Black Adam needs help with shit like that.

Squad leader Amanda Waller assembles a small army of Squaddies and second stringers for the assualt, including "The Writer," a pale emo dude who can alter reality just by writing in his laptop. I don't know what version of FinalDraft he has, but I want it.

"The Writer" first appeared in the now famous Animal Man #26 (DC Comics, 1990) , written by Grant Morrison. At the end of his brilliant head-trip of a run on Animal Man, Morrison broke the fourth wall big time by introducing himself in the comic itself to Animal Man as his writer, his creator and ultimate adversary. It was a very well done issue with a surprising emotional resonance that transcended what could have just been a cheap Twilight Zoney storytelling gimmick.

Ostrander and Yale figured, hell, if Morrison appeared in an issue of Animal Man, then he's part of mainstream DC continuity, right? Fair game, right? In Animal Man #26, artist Chas Truog depicted Morrison / The Writer as a ghostly pale British mod, and Squad artist Geoff Isherwood follows form, although here The Writer is dressed in more practical field attire.

The Writer explains his situation to Firehawk and Silver Swan:

Once their ad hoc superhuman army is assembled, the Squad attacks Amazon Werewolf Island, no doubt to weave some plot point into the narrative tapestry that was War of the Gods, which they should have named Yaaawn! instead.

Our man Grant Morrison is doing pretty good, typing away on his metareality laptop and blowing people away just with the power of Story! Robert McKee would be stoked.

You may have seen this coming, but The Writer gets Writer's Block and then he gets Writer's Killed by a werewolf who has probably never even read The Invisibles and wouldn't appreciate good writing if he ate it. What kind of fucked up world do we live in, where a great writer like that can just get killed by an ignorant werewolf? It's depressing.

Maybe it's not a good-natured diss at G.M., maybe Ostrander & Yale are reminding us that the sensitive, the creative, the odd are always at the mercy of the brutal and the stupid.

I think we've all got some thinking to do, don't we? About how you picked on that one Debate Team guy in Jr High just because he was different and maybe he crapped his pants? Or perhaps you were like Grant Morrison getting attacked by werewolves? How does that feel? Talk about it, let it out.

Thank you, Suicide Squad. Thank you for taking us places in our heads we didn't even know we needed to go.

Top Ten Suicide Squad Lines, part 2

Continuing the festivities of Suicide Squad Fortnight, let’s take a look at some of the best lines of dialogue ever printed in the pages of Suicide Squad, a comic that has yet to be surpassed in terms of awesomeness.

Fellow Squad enthusiast Brian Cronin over at Comics Should Be Good was kind enough to host Part One of the Top Ten Suicide Squad Lines, and now we finish our bloody work here with Part Two.

5. Deadshot doesn’t read minds

Deadshot, the Suicide Squad’s smugly deranged marksman, is literal to a fault. He’s like an evil genie that will twist the wording of your three wishes into curses if you’re not careful - an evil genie with guns.

Here's the set-up: In Suicide Squad #22, batshit crazy Rick Flag intends to kill a crooked US senator in order to keep the Squad secret. Waller orders the Squad to keep Flag from killing the senator using any means possible. When Deadshot catches up with Flag and his soon-to-be victim at the Lincoln Monument in D.C., he executes his orders to the letter – by killing the senator before Flag can! D’oh! Then Deadshot nearly lives up to his name by getting shot like, twelve times by police – APE POLICE!!!

No, that would be stupid.

Later in a hospital, Waller asks the miraculously not-dead Deadshot what the hell he was thinking.

Deadshot: Said to keep Flag from killing Cray… any means possible. Exact words.

Waller: I didn’t mean by killing him yourself!

Deadshot: Shoulda said so. I don’t read minds.

4. Friend or foe?

I like this simple Count Vertigo line from Suicide Squad #28, a chapter in The Janus Directive crossover. It’s just something the arrogant European noble would say, and it reminds me of Adam Ant. I love Adam Ant.

Anyway, during a big-ass battle, the Squad’s Count Vertigo flies up to lay a whammy on Peacemaker, who despite appearances to the contrary, is not wearing a bedpan on his head.

Peacemaker: Friend or foe?

Count Vertigo: Oh, foe. Definitely foe.



3. How zen

Aww, Bronze Tiger and Vixen used to be such a cute couple. It's too bad their lethal, paranoid work enviroment and his psychosis from years of assassin conditioning drove them apart. Nowadays there are treatment programs for ex-assassins, but back in the Eighties there wasn't a lot of professional help for guys like Bronze Tiger.

Anyway, before they broke up they were a handsome pair who would engage in playful banter whilst on deadly missions.

2. Deadshot totally believes you

In Suicide Squad #18, Task Force X battles a reformed Jihad in Manhattan, with bloody results. As in their previous encounter, the Squad wipes out the Jihad big time - meaning they totally murder them dead.

Deadshot goes up against Jaculi 2.o, an upgraded mini-skirted version of the original Jaculi. Deadshot shoots her in the knee, which slows her down considerably.

"Kill me American," she says. "Or I will come back for you."

Deadshot considers this for a moment. Then - and this is mean - he shoots her.

"I believe you," he says.


That is ice cold.

1. "Is there a plan or do we just shoot things at random?"

Be careful how you answer Deadshot's question because he will start shooting things at random if instructed to do so. That's just how he rolls.

Friday Night Fights: Granny vs The Wall

It's a special Suicide Squad Week version of Friday Night Fights here at Dave's Long Box. Bahlactus has spoken and the word is: fight!

From Suicide Squad #35, I present a royal rumble on Apokalips between two she-beasts - Amanda "The Wall" Waller, extra-wide leader of Task Force X versus that girthsome gargoyle Granny Goodness, leader of the Female Furies!

Get it on!!!