SPIDER-MAN #2 Marvel Comics, 2004

You know what I hate? When you type up a long post full of hilarious jokes and keen insights and then – poof – it vanishes into the ether before you can publish it. So here we go, I’ll try this again, only this time without the jokes and insights.

In this second issue of the Marvel Knights Spider-Man series, Spidey’s Aunt May has been kidnapped. Again. To be fair, this is the first time Aunt May has been kidnapped in a Marvel Knights book, and Spider-Man acts like it’s never happened before. His search for his missing aunt leads him to Avengers Mansion, and the reason why this book is included in Earth’s Mightiest Guest Stars Week here at Dave’s Long Box.

Writer Mark Millar and artists Terry and Rachel Dodson have their own spin on The Avengers, starting with the cover (above). Captain America is wearing a web belt loaded with pouches for his Caparangs or something, and Hawkeye has adopted a high-tech look with an armored sleeve and a futuristic looking quiver. Really, how high-tech can you get with a quiver? Isn’t a quiver just a container for arrows? Hawkeye’s quiver looks like it was designed by NASA, and apparently it screws on to his back. I mean, it looks cool and all, but isn’t it a little over-designed? Seems like it would be heavy, too.

-----

"...the plot is a beast that must be fed..."

-----

The cover is just the first hint that this is a little bit of a different take on The Avengers. Spidey shows up at Avengers Mansion hoping to speak to Captain America. Hopefully Cap can help him contact Nick Fury (doesn’t S.H.I.E.L.D. have a toll-free number?), who Spidey hopes will help him track down his missing Aunt May.

Of course, things don’t go smoothly. Much like an episode of Three’s Company, the plot demands that Spider-Man’s efforts are foiled by misunderstanding, miscommunication, and irrational behavior. It all starts with Jarvis, Earth’s Mightiest Butler, who thinks that Spidey is another damn punk playing a prank when he shows up at their front door:

I call bullshit on that!

Jarvis isn’t a dick, and he’d be accustomed to superheroes stopping by the mansion. At the very least, you’d think The Avengers would have some protocol in the event that a hero showed up asking for help. But no, the plot is a beast that must be fed, so Jarvis acts like a dick and calls security on Spider-Man.

I know what you’re thinking: The Avengers have security guards? Just roll with it.

While Spidey punches out a bunch of S.H.I.EL.D. guards and vaults past the mansion’s auto-defense systems, Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, is downstairs getting ready for a photo shoot with famous photographer Annie Liebowitz:

Never mind how weird Stark looks; we’ll get to that in a minute.

There’s a telling line of dialogue in the panel above: “…like the ones you took of Dick and George when they were plotting the war in Iraq…” You could read a lot into that phrase, like how Millar mentions Dick Cheney before George Bush and his use of the word “plotting” instead of “planning.” I’m not going to go into that, but I do think that Stark’s use of Cheney and Bush’s first names implies a degree of familiarity, if not friendship. I should point out that at the time this book was published, Tony Stark was the U.S. Secretary of Defense. What I’m getting at is that I think Millar’s implying that Tony Stark is a Republican.

I don’t have a problem with that per se. Stark is practically the human embodiment of the military-industrial complex -- if any hero is going to be a Republican, it would be Tony Stark. And Moon Knight. That dude is a full-on Republican. No, I don’t have a problem with that, but what sticks in my craw a little is the mention of the war in Iraq.

Bear with me, I’m not going to get all political on your ass. I recognize that Marvel strives for a greater level of realism than DC, with their fake cities and all that. Hell, Iron Man’s origin is in the Vietnam War. But is there really a war in Iraq going on in the Marvel Universe? I only ask because if Tony Stark is your Secretary of Defense instead of Donald Rumsfield, it kind of changes the dynamic of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, doesn’t it?

If Tony Stark is running the Defense Department, we get some crazy sci-fi overlap into a very real conflict. Helicarriers, jet packs, repulsor rays, mandroids, powered armor… Just by plugging Iron Man into the equation you suddenly have this whole weird logic problem. How would Stark's leadership change the nature of the war? I mean, a car bomb or I.E.D. wouldn’t even dent the most basic Iron Man armor. You see what I mean? Maybe I’m overthinking the whole thing, but that one seemingly trite line of dialogue opens a big can of worms.

Okay, enough. Let’s move on. Doesn’t Tony Stark look kind of funny in the panel above? A lot of the characters in this issue are drawn like weird Doll People.

Spider-Man is kicking ass on the S.H.I.E.L.D. guys upstairs. Stark’s guards think that Spidey is a monster or a supervillain or something (no video cameras in the mansion?), so they’re starting to freak out. They just need to look at the bottom of the panel – see the cute lil’ Spidey head?

Did Tony Stark just diss Ant Man? The guard says, “Ant Man’s the only active Avenger between you, me, and whatever the hell that thing is…” and Stark’s reaction is, “We are so dead.” That’s funny, and mean.

Normally I am 100% on board with the Dodsons’ artwork, but in this comic there is a strange lack of noses. Check out the panel below. Spidey gets tackled by Quicksilver and finally comes face-to-face with The Avengers, who inexplicably have no noses, except for Quicksilver. How do they breathe? The Wasp looks pretty hot, nose or not. I like the arrow motif on her costume: “This way to fun!”

Millar portrays The Avengers as condescending narcissistic celebrity assholes, for the most part. Cap tells Spidey that Nick Fury is in a parallel dimension and can’t help him while the other Avengers make snide comments and say “God” a lot and stress about the damage done to the mansion. Spider-Man refuses Cap’s entirely reasonable offer of help because, again, the plot demands it. Stark shows up and acts like a dick again:

Dude, what is up with Hawkeye’s eyes in the panel above? He looks like a fifteen year old Japanese kid with a dye job, or like he had one too many face lift. Lay off the plastic surgery, Hawkeye. We all age; accept it.

Spider-Man swings off, leaving The Avengers to half-heartedly protest. “No, wait, Spider-Man… oh, well. Let’s clean up this mess.” I don’t know about you, but I think Captain America would suit up and try to help Spidey regardless. That’s just Cap.

Spidey swings off, moping about how he doesn’t fit in with the “super jocks.” Bitch, bitch, bitch.

You might think that based on my rather picky commentary that I did not enjoy Spider-Man #2 or that I’m offended by the off-note interpretation of The Avengers in the book. Not so! I actually kind of liked it – the dialogue is punchy and sly and the visual storytelling is fantastic, even if everybody does look like Doll People. I’m not so dogmatic that I can’t accept a different take on some of my favorite characters, even if I think it’s kind of goofy.

And that’s what Earth’s Mightiest Guest Stars Week is all about.