Mere words cannot adequately convey the deep, profound lameness that is Turner D. Century, but I’ll give it a shot.
First appearing in 1980 in Spider-Woman #33, Turner D. Century was an extreme social conservative who longed for the halcyon days of yore when our society wasn’t corrupted by smut and everyone knew their place, particularly women and minorities. There are plenty of assholes like that in America who either run for office or get their own talk radio shows, but Turner wants to advance his social agenda by fighting Spider-Woman. Go figure.
I should qualify my mockery by saying that Turner D. Century was created by writer J.M. DeMatteis, who I think was going for a creepy/surreal/absurd/insane villain with maybe a pinch of social commentary. The end result, however, is a stupid fucking villain who has a flamethrower umbrella and a flying bicycle.
How scary would it be to fight Turner D. Century? I mean, the guy’s about as threatening as Col. Sanders or the “Pepperidge Farms remembers!” guy.
This is one of those one-punch villains that even the wimpiest superhero should be able to take out in a panel or two, but it takes Spider-Woman the whole damn issue to defeat him. I mean, the writer has to contrive implausible reasons for Turner D. Century not to get his ass kicked right off the bat. I don’t know, maybe Turner D. Century is a step up from some of the clowns Spider-Woman normally fought, like Gypsy Moth (she dissolves clothing!) or The Hangman (he has a rope!) or Daddy Long Legs (he’s got long legs!). I have a feeling if her series wasn’t cancelled, she would have fought villains like Squirt Gun and Potato Bug.
Amazingly, Turner D. Century appears in two more comic books after his initial appearance. Yes, somebody at Marvel thought to themselves, “You know, kids really like Turner D. Century – let’s bring him back! He could be the next Sabretooth!” So he appeared in Marvel Team-Up #120, where he tried to use his “time horn” to kill everyone in New York City under the age of 65. I’m not making that up.
Mr. Century’s final appearance was in Captain America #319, where he met his fate at the hands of Scourge in the Bar with No Name. That’s right, he died on that bar room floor right next to other super-villain greats like Cheetah and Steeplejack. I’m sure children everywhere were devastated.
Don’t worry kids, in five or ten years I predict Ultimate Turner D. Century. You heard it here first.
[EDIT: Thanks to reader Martin for pointing out seanbaby's brilliant Turner D. Century page. Lots of quality scans of Turner D. Century in action as well as seanbaby's usual hilarious commentary. And if you haven't read his SuperFriends stuff, you're missing out.]
18 comments:
Was his real name Turner D. Century? How can the guy not be obsessed with the 1890's with a name like that? Granted, maybe the super-villain game wasn't the greatest career choice, but I bet he could of made a killing manufacturing those bikes with the ginormous front wheels.
Apparently his real name was Clifford Michaels, and he was raised by a reclusive conservative billionaire in a weird Bay Area mansion that featured a life-size version of a turn-of-the century American town populated by wax dummies...
Quiet, you! Why I've half a mind to give you a sound thrashing about the neck and shoulders like the rapscallion you are!
"Was his real name Turner D. Century?"
Finn D. Cycle.
Squirt Gun ...
Potato Bugs are scary!!!
He should team up with Dr. T.O. Morrow.
This why parents need to think hard about naming their kids, else their offspring meddles in the supervilliany arts.
"Of course he's a SUPERVILLIAN, his name is a THING!"
There's a really good article somewhere on seanbaby about Turner D. Century. I'm not going to post a link - you young people know how to use this internet.
Did anyone think that President Bush's coal research initiative may be a result of residual Turner D. Century influence in the real world? Ooo-wa!
I used to do something like this called Not Quite Near-Mint Heroes except mine weren't as good as yours here. Keep up the good work. It's always funny to make fun of stupid comic characters.
Ten-Eyed Man
Starfinger
I did two others but I can't find them right now.
I love the Ten Eyed Man, that's bad ass. I always thought Starfinger sounded dirty - I bet he had a brother named Brownfinger. Ba-dum-dum.
I made a t-shirt from a cartoon of Starfinger's helmet I drew in Illustrator. FEAR THE FINGER!
That's awesome. I do fear the finger, now.
Turner's nowhere NEAR as threatening as Col. Sanders or the “Pepperidge Farms remembers!” guy. Those dudes are creepy.
In fact, Turner should have used that as his catch phrase right before he turned that wicked umbrella on someone:
"Pepperidge Farm remembers!!!" FWOOOOSH!
When all those lame-ass villains met up that last time at the "Bar With No Name", one of the others looks Turner up and down and says, "Who are you? Gay Nineties Man?" Priceless.
If that "Time-Horn" plot had succeeded, though, every car in New York would have been driving around with its blinker on.
And Gypsy Moth destroys clothes? Is it too late to put her on retainer and send her out against superheroines while my cameras roll? I'm having a Glenn Quagmire moment here.
he also had a father who looked like Roger Bachs on a small train who raised him to suck man-ass.
He talks to dolls dressed in old clothes & probably would suck.
In Ultimate, he would have an exo-skeleton & he could lift like 100 tons. He would then somehow get that removed & be defeated. Or hed have like a youth potion & superstrength & then after getting his ass kicked he would disintegrate.
oh and Starfinger sucks ass. See him in LOSH the kids show & you shall his magnitude of suckery
hat are you guys talking about this turn d. century guy is the awesomeness. he's my captain kraken.
Interesting post. Thanks for the share. Keep posting like that.
Post a Comment