THE WARLORD #113 DC Comics, 1986

DC's comic book The Warlord would make an excellent Las Vegas topless dance spectacular. Skartaris! A Sexotic Fantasmagoria!!! Now at the Sands!

The long-running fantasy adventure series was either an homage or rip-off of Burroughs' John Carter of Mars books, depending on one's point of view. Both series chronicled the adventures of a bad-ass white guy from Earth who has been marooned on a savage world full of terrible monsters, exotic locations, and people who wear very very little clothing. As you might imagine, Young Dave loved both John Carter and Travis Morgan, aka The Shiznit, aka The Warlord.

It must be pretty warm in the bizarre medieval land of Skartaris deep inside the center of the hollow Earth, because seriously, nobody wears any clothes to speak of. Travis Morgan himself wears a white leopard loincloth and a seagull helmet and... yeah, that's about it. Loincloth and helmet. Well, he does have some cool chain accesories and a Gwar shoulder pad. Aside from that, Travis Morgan wears no armor - that's just not how they roll in Skartaris.

One side note: In many Warlord comics Morgan rides a horse wearing his customary loincloth. After a while that saddle would get pretty nasty, don't you think? Would you want to sit on loin cloth guy's saddle? Jesus, let me hit that thing with some anti-bacterial spray or something first.

The Warlord's nubile female travelling companions wear outfits that would make a Brazilian blush. The hot red head Mariah wears a black stripper outfit and make-up from Boris Vallejo Cosmetics, while the cat-woman Shakira (yes, Mariah and Shakira) wears a black fur bikini and a collar. At least I hope that's a bikini - if not Shakira has some nasty-ass body hair.

This comic is like, part seventeen of The Warlord's quest to save his equally scantily clad daughter Jennifer, who has been on death's door for several years. The Warlord can't be rushed, man. In this issue Morgan's been hypnotized by Mariah into loving her - he just didn't feel the same about her after Glitter - and now he's sort of her love slave. This annoys Shakira (whose hips don't lie) to no end because all the tongue kissing between the two is really slowing up the already glacial pace of their quest.

The immodestly attired trio get attacked by half-naked cylopses (cyclopsi?), and Shakira is grudgingly forced to come to Mariah's aide by turning into her lethal kitty cat form!

CYCLOPS vs HOUSE CAT - who ya got?

After scratching and stabbing all the half-naked cyclopsi, the trio are assaulted by a flight of totally naked gargoyle men who shoot lasers from their eyes. No shit. The totally naked gargoyles are doubly dangerous, for they possess beaks and teeth, which is rare.

Bah!

Beaks or teeth or both, it matters not! Travis Morgan will stab you! No blood, of course, but still. Stabbed is stabbed.

Man, I have had this comic for twenty-one years. It's outlasted all of my pets.

Reading The Warlord #113 brings back fond memories and a wistful nostalgia for a time in my life when the totally adolescent and totally fabulous underground world of Skartaris was 100% cool, when I could look at something like The Warlord without layer after layer of cynicism and postmodern wankery.

Ah, youth.

You know what else I noticed, aside from the near-nudity?

Travis Morgan cannot get a fucking word in! My man is always getting interrupted - he cannot finish a sentence to save his life.