Tuesday, August 01, 2006

WHAT IF...? #59 Marvel Comics, 1994


Today I’m going to cheat and do a quick post about a comic that does not exactly fit the criteria for Alternate Reality Where Everybody Dies Week. You see, not everyone dies in this comic, just Wolverine’s X-Men pals. But since Alternative Reality Where Several People Die isn’t the most gripping theme, I’m going to talk about What If? #59 here.

This comic answers the question that dozens of people around the world have always wanted to know: What if Wolverine led Alpha Flight?

I know; you have lost sleep pondering this unknowable question. Thanks to writer Simon “Transformers” Furman and penciller Bryan “The Ultimates” Hitch, we can finally find out.

The X-Men would die, of course. It’s not an Alternate Reality story unless people die.

This comic posits another possible outcome to 1979’s Uncanny X-Men #120-121, a classic storyline from the Claremont/Byrne era that introduced Canada’s very own superteam, Alpha Flight, who eventually got their own frequently cancelled and relaunched series. In that storyline, Alpha Flight leader James “Vindicator” Hudson tries to repo the mutant Wolverine, whom the Canadian government has invested a lot of money and training in, and bring him back into the fold as a Canadian agent. The X-Men and Alpha Flight throw down in a raging blizzard in Calgary, until Wolverine ends the fun by agreeing to surrender. Sulking, The X-Men get in their plane to fly back to The States – and find Wolvie chillaxin’ in the cockpit after escaping from the Canadians. That spunky little rascal!

In this tale of a possible future, Wolverine doesn’t break out from Canadian custody and the X-Men hop into their plane without him. After they cross over into American airspace, the mutants turn their jet around and try to sneak back into Canada to rescue their teammate.

Bad call.

Here’s what happens when you screw with The Canadian Air Force:

In your face, mutants! Trying to sneak over the incredibly militarized, tightly guarded, non-porous Canadian/American border, eh? Nice try. NOBODY gets across that border without Canada or America knowing about it! That shit’s locked up tighter than the Berlin Wall!

What happens after Wolverine learns that The X-Men died at the hands of the bloodthirsty Canadian military? He gets pissed, then settles down and decides to lead Alpha Flight. What the hell else is he going to do?

The rest of the book shows how Alpha Flight and Wolverine would have fared with the feral mutant at the helm. Wolverine leads the original Alpha line-up against foes like Annihilus and The Hellfire Club. He finds that leadership helps him chill and not freak out and kill people quite as much, which is a plus. The Alpha heroes are transformed into an effective team under Wolverine’s wise guidance.

Plus, the heroes that can’t fly get jetpacks, which makes a hell of a lot of sense. Alpha Flight also picks up a new motto, seen below:

“Let’s do it?”

That’s Wolverine’s battle cry? What about something more motivational, like: “Let’s actualize our inner potential!” or something more in character, like: “I am going to fucking stab you!” or something more Canadian, like: “Beer, please!”

I want to go on record as saying that I liked this comic book. I am one of the twelve people on Earth who would have loved to see Wolverine lead Alpha Flight back in the day, and I am a blindly uncritical fan of the original Alpha Flight roster. Furman’s script matches the tone and tenor of the original storyline well and serves up some geeky retro Marvel goodness, and although Bryan Hitch’s pencils seem distorted by the ink job, I still like the art.

Thank you, What If? #59, for daring to show us a possible reality where Canadian superheroes kick ass and save the world – until they get cancelled, that is.

56 comments:

Lawrence said...

The Canadian air force would have a hard time shooting anything down in this universe......no real money has been spent on the military in 40 years.

Anonymous said...

chillaxin’? Righteous.

"I am going to fucking stab you!" I'm going to have that tattooed across my neck. Let's see that kid cut in front of me to get on the bus again.

McGone said...

I'd like to see Standard Reality Where Everybody Who Has Died Stays Dead Week.

Anonymous said...

McGone said...
I'd like to see Standard Reality Where Everybody Who Has Died Stays Dead Week.

That would be the shortest week of all time.

Magneto, the Brood, the Shi'ar and countless others can't take out the X-men yet some Celine Dion listening ice skaters can? Lovely. And isn't Sasquatch covered in fur? I'd imagine strapping a rocket to his back saves on haircuts.

Steven said...

And had Cole Porter led Alpha Flight:

"Let's Do It! Let's Fall in Love!"

Anonymous said...

Yeah...like Nightcrawler STAYED on the freakin plane.

That sound-effect (as badass as "BADAMM!" is) should have read; "BAMF!"

Also, I think this entire "what if" story was REALLY a dream that Cyclops had. Then, right after he woke up he said to Prof-X... "Uh...maybe we should get a STEALTH PLANE! Y'know...something that the CANADIAN military can't fire upon."

Good call Cyke.
Good call.

~P~
P-TOR

Anonymous said...

Elliott, we don't actually listen to Celine Dion. That's why she's in hiding in Las Vegas.

1) Cuz y'all apparently do.

and 2) Cuz she'd be shot on sight here in the Provinces.

Anonymous said...

I, too, blindly adore the original roster of Alpha Flight. So much, in fact, that I am blind. My seeing-eye dog, Sasquatch, is typing this for me.

And how is it exactly that Sasquatch (Walter Langkowski, not my dog) can wear a jetpack and not burn all the fur on his ass and legs off?

Anonymous said...

I don't really believe Canadians like Celine or ice-skating. I just think I'm funnier than I actually am.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

The Canadians shot down the X-Men? that's it, it’s war with Thanagar!

Mike Podgor said...

I was waiting for a What If? and gave up hope. Then it happened. Praise someone!

FashionWhore said...

Um. What is the alpha fight? Anyone?

Anonymous said...

Th-Thanagar???

SHAYERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Ooops, sorry about that.

Simon Furman's What If? issues were always pretty boss. "What If Spider-Man Became a Murderer?" I've mentioned before, but there was also "What If Death's Head I Had Lived?" where Captain America throws his shield at Minion... and then it promptly bounces off him and decapitates Namor. "What if Rogue Posessed the Power of Thor?" may be a lunatic premise, but it's a dandy Rogue story. "What If Iron Man Sold Out?" is 48 pages of Geoff Senior and explosions. I love it. Surprisingly, I've enjoyed Furman's recent Marvel work more than I have the recent TF work. Ronan ROCKS.

Anonymous said...

Mike P: Fonzie Be Praised, obviously.

Anonymous said...

I'm Canadian. I love me some Canadian superheroes. And I firmly and nationalistically believe that, yes, Canadians can kick ass when they want to.

But, that said - this post is probably the first appearance of the phrase "after escaping from the Canadians" ever.

Anonymous said...

That has to be the wackest What If? eva.....

During that X-men era every single vehicle they climbed into blew the fukk up. Car. Plane. Shuttle. Shuttle bus. Golf cart. It didn't matter what it was, it was blowing up. The second Wolverine put his feet up on the dash and started dissing Cyclops 'leadership', you knew you were in for a full page metal shredding explosion.

And you know what? The X-men always friggin' survived. There is simply no way the Canadian airforce (Ha! Sounds funny to even type it!) could take down the X-men with some puny Canadian strength missiles.

Also. Wolverine would have never cooled off and joined a punk outfit like Alpha Flight. That would be like Axl Rose joining the New Kids. Not happening in this or any other Elseworld.

Anonymous said...

"Let's do it" actually works if you say it like Tone Loc would...

Mark W. Hale said...

I believe you mean Bryan "She-Hulk" Hitch, David.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you could squeeze Infinity Gauntlet into ARWED Week.

Alternate Reality Where Half Of Everybody Dies?

Anonymous said...

"What If Iron Man Sold Out?"

It's called 'Civil War'

Anonymous said...

I loves me the land that gave us Lorne Green, William Shatner, and Pamela Anderson.

Do they have their 'own' comics, like they have their 'own' *snicker* currency and *hmmph* football league?

Chris Sims said...

Money Miss said...
Um. What is the alpha fight? Anyone?


Alpha Flight is Canada's premier (read: only) super-team, sponsored by their government and loaded with poutine-loving francophones like Vindicator, Northstar, his sister Aurora, and surly bouncing midget kickboxer Puck.

That's the short version, anyway.

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Edward Ott said...

Lol, i like the battle cry "and now we disembowel you"

Anonymous said...

I hope this is introduced into regular continuity after Civil War. Wolverine should leave the Avengers and the original Alpha Flight should be put back together without any explanation. I bet it'd last at least 12 issues this time.

LaRue said...

This one's not even close to the most ridiculous Wolverine "What If?". That honor has to go to "What If...Wolverine became King of the Vampires?" Even Uatu knew this was going to be a tough sell, as he was moved to add "...he very nearly did, you know." after telling us the title.

After reading this review, I want to go out and pick up this issue, though.

Health Incognito said...

I'm just trying to figure out who the heck that is flying the jumbojet the X-Men apparently flew into Canadian airspace.

Also, in that first panel, I am mesmerized by Storm's vogueing.

Anonymous said...

As a DC boy I've only ever read a few random issues of What If? but I swear every one I did read seemed to end with the complete annihilation of the Marvel universe. But I admit this may simply be a case of the Comic Book Gods being extremely kind to me.

Ben Myers said...

The problem is that the X-Men don't speak French. They should have infiltrated Montreal by drinking heavily and singing "Les Chansons!"

http://honeyedmouth.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I've read a lot of comics, and I'm pretty used to the standard ripoff cover concept, where the incredibly arresting cover image bears little or no resemblance to the actual story. This one bears mentioning though: As I understand it the X-Men get taken down by trigger-happy glider pilot with a grudge, but the cover shows Wolvie standing over their bodies grinning like Burt Lancaster on meatloaf night. Did no-one else feel thoroughly gypped by that image?

joncormier said...

Isn't "Let's do it!" the catch phrase from that Ultimate Fighter referee or bouncer or whatever that guy is?

Personally I think that Wolvie is complying to the government initiatives to be a decent role model and promote physical activity for the participACTION campaign. It was the eighties when they ran their "Don't just think about it - Do It" commercials as per this: http://www.usask.ca/archives/participaction/english/motivate/doit.html

Anonymous said...

Had Marvin Gaye led Alpha Flight...

"Let's Get It On!!!"

UB said...

good job!

Anonymous said...

"What If some random AIM goon actually shot Captain America in the legs while he was using his shield to protect his torso?"

Oh that is funny.

McGone said...

International Spam! Dave's Long Box truly has something for everyone!

Anonymous said...

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Any plans to do the Korvac Saga (which culminated in Avengers #177) as part of ARWEDW? Technically, I guess it wasn't an alternative reality storyline, but it fit the bill in spirit.

A cosmic-powered guy named Michael Korvac single-handedly kills just about every Avenger, reserve Avenger, Avenger-in-training and wanna-be Avenger. In one issue!! Then, just before he dies, he has a change of heart and restores everyone to life.

I remember reading this as a kid and thinking about halfway through the book, "Half the Marvel Universe just died!" I wasn't yet savvy to the ways of comics deaths at that point.

FashionWhore said...

You know, I'm still don't have a clue what the alpha fight is. I'll just leave now...

Anonymous said...

Actually it's 'who wants to be a super-ero'. I thought it was funny. I'll keep watching, for now. Stan Lee lecturing these guys on superheroics it almost worth it alone.

Anonymous said...

Actually what we say is: "Beer, please, eh?"

Anonymous said...

There's a store in my hometown called "The Doll's Place" or something like that. It sells the type of dolls that old ladies like to collect.

I once heard an employee say that ever so often, a group of biker-guys will come in thinking that, because of the name, the store is, er, an adult entertainment establishment. They'll look around, grin sheepishly, and ease back toward the exit.

Something tells me that's how Money Miss must feel right now.

Anonymous said...

OK, not to be mean to money miss, but Dave does define what Alpha Flight in the post itself:

"Canada’s very own superteam, Alpha Flight"

So there you go, Alpha Flight is Canada's very own superteam.

Edward Liu said...

No, no, no...Money Miss was very clearly asking about "the Alpha FIGHT," not "Alpha Flight." The Alpha Fight was a character created at Valiant who was the last cosmic gladiator dinosaur robot standing from a massive trial-by-combat held on the planet Fpfjppom (which is, in a moment of galactic synchronicity, my word verification). His prize for winning this trial was a one-way ticket to Earth, where he stood up for truth, justice, and lots and lots of meaningless, senseless fighting.

Scott McCloud totally ripped him off when he did DESTROY!!, only his version wasn't even a dinosaur robot.

Anonymous said...

"That shit’s locked up tighter than the Berlin Wall!"

I prefer the phrase "Locked up tighter than a fat man on an all-cheese diet"

But that's just me.

FashionWhore said...

OK, thanks everyone.
Bruce: Got in one. ;)
Edward Liu: Um. OK. Still feeling sheepish.

Now I'm even more confused, wondering if I mean Alpha Flight or or Fight. Now feelin even more like a biker in a dolls place...

FashionWhore said...

OK I THINK I understand now. So, correct me if I'm wrong:
Alpha Flight is a bunch of Canadian superheroes?
Alpha Fight is a robotic dinasour?

OK, that's it, I'm heading to the comic book store. And asking what the heck the Alpha Flight/Fight is. Note to self: Wear all black and look moody, to fit in amongst teenage moody boys who hand out there. OK, who thinks I should brave it?

Anonymous said...

Dave,
if you take requests, how about a week on why Rob Liefield is the anti-christ. Or why the '90's didn't completely suck.

Anonymous said...

All in good fun, Money Miss, all in good fun.

And good luck if you decide to brave your local comic shop. Be prepared for plenty of attention, though: women in comic shops are a rare breed.

Not to perpetuate the stereotype of "Comics fans as nerdy losers" though. Certainly we fans of Dave's Long Box don't fit that description...um, right? Right?

Anonymous said...

Dave's blog has word verification. Have spammers figured out how to get around this safety feature? How did that happen?

Anonymous said...

Between "Alternate Reality Where Everybody Dies Week" and the Legion of Super-Spammers who have descended upon Dave's Long Box recently, I think this is all leading up to one thing...

"What if the Punisher/Wolverine/Alpha Flight/Unus the Untouchable/etc. Killed All the Spammers In the Universe?" As written and drawn by Dave Campbell.

It'd be Diamond's #1 comic of the year. Groups of adolescents would flop around the aisles of the local bookstore reading it. Dave & Family would have 1st Class seats down to next year's SDCC, where they'd party with Sam Raimi and Kristen Dunst. Movie rights. The Daily Show. A variant cover by Mark Turner. (OK maybe that last one you could do without).

Anyhow, Death to Spammers. Stay strong, Dave.

Anonymous said...

Ancient History:

The X-Men were currently taking a very long way home from Antarctica where they were presumed K.I.A. by the detonation of Magneto's base.

At this stage, they were hitching a ride in the private jet of tycoon lawyer Jeryn Hogarth (not present on the plane) from Japan. Mr. Hogarth liked to employ talented and beautiful women wherever possible and one such woman is piloting the civilian plane.

This also addresses some of the outrage that normal military aircraft could shoot down the X-Men. Not the Blackbird or nothin'. A civilian plane.

Does this particular What If? story address that in the very near future after leaving Canada, these dead X-Men should have 1) stopped the evil mutant Proteus (most recently in the last year of "Exiles") and, more significantly, 2) played a key role in reining in Dark Phoenix?

Probably not. There were about four What If? issues that made sense or were worth reading.

Jason Langlois said...

Are you going to cover the Uncanny X-Men #141-142 ("Days of Future Past")? That's a classic 'Everyone dies' pair... probably the last time you'd see Wolverine die, what with his new ability to regenerate from a single cell...

S Bates said...

Legion of Super-Spammers

Coming to DC soon!

Starring Sexychic Girl and ReadMyBlog Boy. Awesome!

Actually I don't think it was the addition of Wolverine that made Alpha Flighta success in this What If?. It was the fact that they'd got rid of that loser Puck and his cartwheels. :)

Anonymous said...

Elliot said... "What If Iron Man Sold Out?"

It's called 'Civil War'


Excellent! Nuff said.

Anonymous said...

That image of Dead Cyclops actually looks a lot like something Byrne would have drawn.

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