Wednesday, August 23, 2006

MANDROIDS: LOVABLE LOSERS

Talking about Rocket Reds and Guardsmen has gotten me all nostalgic for all the other armored chumps in the superhero megagenre.* I feel a theme week organically developing. Such is the magic of the Internet: entertainment that develops in real time!

Today I would like to talk about my personal favorite group of disposable goons in high-tech armor:


Mandroid units are advanced suits of personal battle armor that are piloted by specially trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. They give an extra bit of tactical punch to S.H.I.E.L.D. combat missions and are often deployed against superhuman opponents.

Which brings us to the real purpose of Mandroids: getting the shit kicked out of them by superheroes.

Mandroids are built to take a beating, which is a good thing because everyone from Thor to Kitty Pryde has smacked one around. Designed by Stark Industries, Mandroids were at first used exclusively used by S.H.I.E.L.D., but eventually were used by villains like Moses Magnum (Let me just add parenthetically that I love Moses Magnum). They have titanium armor, force fields, complex sensors, and crazy-ass weapons ranging from neuro-stunners to laser torches.

And they are bright. Fucking. Yellow.

Seriously, couldn’t they have painted the Mandroids a color more appropriate to the battlefield than ultra-yellow? Why not rig them with flashing bicycle lights and big neon “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX” tees? That might be a little more subtle.

The Mandroids have a lamentable track record against any and all opponents. My favorite Mandroid beat-down takes place in the classic Iron Man storyline “The Armor Wars,” wherein Iron Man decides that there are waaay too many people with powered armor running around and decides to whittle the population down. Here he is absolutely humiliating some Mandroids:

As with all things armor in the Marvel Universe, Tony “Iron Man” Stark designed the Mandroids, so he takes them down to Chinatown in a pretty decisive and one-sided battle. You can almost hear the Mandroid pilot’s shrill, panicked screaming in these panels:

Another classic Mandroid defeat is in John Byrne’s album-sized She-Hulk graphic novel. She Hulk is accosted by some Mandroids in Times Square.

Bad call.

I would love to read the after-action report those guys had to file for their S.H.I.E.L.D. superiors:

“…target then grabbed this agent and Unit L3 by our shoulder vents and spun us in the air, cracking our helmets together. Primary life support systems went offline. Hull zones 3 through 7 were compromised. This agent began crying for his mother…”

Getting beat on by a laughing seven-foot tall green woman in an outfit like that could lead to some strange post-traumatic stress symptoms. What is She Hulk wearing anyway? A little silver disco tuxedo thing, complete with bowtie. I don't get it.
Another thing I don't get is why they are called "Mandroids." Are they just like androids, only with an extra consonant? I understand the Mandroid name and brand was likely generated in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Marketing Divison and went through lots of focus groups, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. It sounds cool, and that counts for a lot. Plus, "Mandroid" was probably the best name they could come up with. These are the same marketing wizards that came up with the name "life model decoys" to describe their real androids.
Mandroids: big, yellow, and lovable. Just like Big Bird.
*That’s right, I said “megagenre.” Go ahead and make fun of me, I’m not taking it back.

42 comments:

Daniel Kaszor said...

My favorite Mandroid moment: in the when the Hulk was fighting in a small fictional evil middle eastern country which has been supplied by SHEILD with mandroids. The Hulk's pal Ulysses, who is just a fairly normal dude with a cool sword, stabs the mandroid killing the dude inside. And the Hulk is all freaked because he was all like "I was just going to punch them till the ran away."

I think this was in the high 390s of the series and was a cross over with X-Factor.

Martin Wisse said...

Mandroids = Manned Androids, see?

Anonymous said...

'Mandroid' is the stage name I use when I dance with the Chippendales. I could have gone with 'The Meat', but it was too obvious and derivative.

Sleestak said...

Mandroids and Sentinels. When will they be made out of steel and not cardboard?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

There was a Mandroid in the movie Eliminators. This movie was super cheesey, but it did feature Denise Crosby's nipples poking through a wet T-shirt.

Anonymous said...

They're painted yellow so when they piss themselves in combat, it doesn't show. (See also: the Whizzer).

I can't totally blame the guys fighting She-Hulk, though--that much green boobage in your face would get pretty distracting. I'd use my laser torch to burn off that fucking Byrne spit-curl, though. Damn, that thing was annoying.

Anonymous said...

Man, Armour Wars had to be the dumbest thing going. Did Stark ever stop during his little hissy fit over all these other armour-clad folks to comtemplate the irony that he freakin' designed most of these suits? C'mon- the Guardsmen, the Mandroids, all Stark designed and built.

Oh wait, he can't stop to think; he has to stop to drink.

Iron Man: what a knob.

Edward Liu said...

"A little silver disco tuxedo thing, complete with bowtie."

And heels. Don't forget the heels.

I think they were painted yellow to save time when retired Mandroids get sold to the NY Taxi Commission to serve as Mandraxis ("Taxoids" turned out not to test so well). It is also worth pointing out that one or two Mandroids could kick some serious amounts of shit out of Hal Jordan.

Anonymous said...

Maybe they're supposed to be gold, rather than yellow. Bling bling.

Norman said...

Remember, always buy Stark! Anyone can get into one of these babies and get to work. Hell, if you can't afford a coffin, the armour doubles as one!

Ead said...

Perhaps you could look at all the stupid people running around in powered armour. I mean stiltman ..Jeez there should be laws against it!

Steven said...

It's like someone designed them to fight Green Lantern and shipped them to the wrong universe.

Now I'm just hoping for a Mandroid/Manthrax crossover.

Anonymous said...

Well, Green Lantern had his own golden douche: Goldface. And I don't know how that guy kept his minions from stealing his armor while he was asleep. But if you can afford to wear gold-plated armor and to spray liquid gold on Hal Jordan (that sounds sooo wrong), why be out trying to steal shit and getting your ass kicked by superheroes? Find some nice mutual funds to invest in and live off the proceeds.

(And yes, I know his power came from that golden elixir, but he had the gold armor and stuff too.)

Anonymous said...

ummm. communism is bad? so ther.

Anonymous said...

Man, when will people in the Marvel universe learn that Stark always, ALWAYS, keeps the best stuff for himself? Everything he's ever sold he's made sure that he and his pals can take it out if the need arose. Why cant folks see that the Iron Man armor is like an SR-71 in terms of tech and everything else Stark shills off the SI assembly line is like a '73 Ford Pinto?

Anonymous said...

I think the whole point was that Iron Man was out to destroy all the armors copied from his own designs, whether they were stolen by Spymaster and sold to supervillains, or ones he himself sold. He realized he couldn't take the chance that the armor that the good guys had would fall into the wrong hands and then be used to harm innocent people. Knowing that SHIELD and the US government would never hand the armor over, he chose to make Iron Man an outlaw and destroy the Mandroid and Guardsmen armor.

Armor Wars. One of my favorite stories of all time.

Big AL said...

I refuse to sit idly by and let some one besmirch the good name of Stiltman. He could kick over a full trash truck. Full, people.

Anonymous said...

*Raises had Arnold Horseshack style*

Ooo! Do a post on the Black Razors next! The bad@$$, super elite, armored squad division of International Operations that get their butts handed to them by the Wildcats, Backlash, and any other 90s Wildstorm hero.

Oh! And Armor Wars totally rocked! One of the few Iron Man stories I like.

EM

Anonymous said...

It's a fitting time to do a theme week on tech-armored goon squads, given that Marvel is currently living in a new Renaissance of said henchmen, viz:

[1] The new-fangled, human-driven Sentinels, putting up a fight, but usually losing in the end to various X-persons.

[2] AIM-designed M.O.D.O.C. (Military Organism Designed Only for Combat) Squads, getting their asses handed to them by Captain America.

[3] The armored-up Cape Killer groups in Civil War, also getting worn like slippers by Messr. America and company.

At a time like this, it's nice to remember the history of the feckless, transistor-enhanced, cannon-fodder trail-blazers that made it all possible...

Phil Looney said...

>>(Let me just add parenthetically that I love Moses Magnum)

I too love me some Moses Magnum - probably because he was in that issue of Classic X-Men that was the first X-Men book I ever read.

Anonymous said...

Mandroids = Droids with special Man-like equipment. For the ladies. And the bois.

Or maybe the name of a gay droid bar? Can droids be gay?

Whatever happened to Moses Magnum, anyway? He ever appear in any other comics besides that X-men with Sunbird in Japan?

K.Fox, Jr. said...

Martin wisse, did you look that up? Thank's for saving me the trouble. lol. Atleast it makes sense, as opposed to Mom's Androids; which would've been a joke.

Sw, that's too funny. I wonder what it's like to be a male stripper. Wonder what it's like to be a female stripper(like the chippendales).

Hmmm... Please ignore the sentence immediately beforehand.

Sleestak, I don't know. For some odd reason, in the latter half of X-Men Legends and the most of X-Men Legends 2 and in half of the comics, the Sentinels are easy to defeat as pie is to eat. But, in half the comics and most o' the books, they're stone-hard.

thekelvingreen said...

Moses Magnum turned up in one of Busiek's early Avengers stories, running a cruise liner (really), and implying that he had some man love going for Apocalypse (yes, really). The Avengers tried to arrest him, but he fell down a hole (yes, really).

Anonymous said...

"It is also worth pointing out that one or two Mandroids could kick some serious amounts of shit out of Hal Jordan."

Oh dear, are people still convinced that you could throw anyting yellow at Hal Jordan or any other GL for that matter and they would fold? Hal Jordan would mop the floor with 100 Mandroids. We forget that he doesn't have to use the power ring directly on the Mandroids or any other character who is or wears the color yellow. Two characters who you would think would beat the crap out of GL are Mongol (defeated) and Sinistro (defeated). Both are way more powerful than any Mandroid. One has yellow skin and the other a yellow power ring. Guess what, if these guys can't pull it off, some guy in Mandroid armor could never hope to.

Anonymous said...

Maybe a more mature color scheme....like green! and purple! combined!! BRILLIANT!

Anonymous said...

Here's a pretty comprehensive background on Moses Magnum, for any Magnum fans.

In a nutshell, his early appearances were against Spider-Man and Power Man, starting in 1974. After losing that fight against the X-Men and Sunfire, he dropped out of sight for a long time, finally showing up for several issues of Deathlok in the early 90s. Then came Busiek's Avengers and, according to kelvingreen, man-love.

appojax said...

forget transformers..let's get a movie of them Silverhawks up on the screen!

"partly metal, partly real...

Anonymous said...

I also seem to recall that Stark's big armoured freakout was precisely because he had designed all these armours, and he felt responsible for them.

And he didn't want Mandroid contras showing up, so he couldn't trust the government with them anymore then he could trust Stilt-Man or the Beetle ( Actually, I'm pretty sure neither of those guys stole much from him, so maybe he just figured he should take them out, as long as he was busting up armour anyway).

That was his stated reason in the issue where he goes after Darkhawk, but then again, that was proabably Armour wars II.

I hate the version of Iron Man shown here, by the way; it looks like the colourist ran out of yellow before he got around to doing stark.

S Bates said...

My first memory of the Mandroids (not to be confused with Manbot) was in Uncanny X-Men #129 - the start of the Dark Phoenix storyline. If I remember correctly each Mandroid had a different weapon designed to take out an X-Man.

Surprisingly, the Mandroids actually won and captured (most of) the X-Men!

So if they can defeat the X-Men then they not completely useless. Honest.

And, as to why they're coloured yellow, that's so they can hide in large bowls of custard.

(But, you argue, I've never seen a Mandroid in any custard. Well, I respond, that shows that their disguise works! :-) )

Anonymous said...

Those suits weren't Mandroids, though; they just shared a similar design aesthetic. They were being used by Hellfire Club Goons and were defeated by not being properly set up to lay the technosmack down on Dazzler. Shameful, when you think about it, especially when you remember that Claremont was in full buildup to Phoenix, so she was basically nine thousand times as powerful as the rest of the MU put together and she gets taken out by, IIRC, white noise. I grant that white noise is exactly the wrong method to shut Dazzler off, but one of the other methods they had at their disposal, such as perhaps punching her, would've worked. They at least should've tried it, especially after that "Dy-no-mite" crack.

Phillip said...

In the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Mandroids are shown as being purple. I have never seen them purple in an actual story. Did it ever happen, or was a colorist asleep on the job?

Anonymous said...

but one of the other methods they had at their disposal, such as perhaps punching her, would've worked

Anonymous said...

but one of the other methods they had at their disposal, such as perhaps punching her, would've worked

that is fricken hilarious

S Bates said...

Those suits weren't Mandroids, though; they just shared a similar design aesthetic.

You're right - having now reread the issue in question. And not only were they not Mandroids, they didn't even defeat the X-Men. Emma Frost beat some of them. Stupid memory.

she gets taken out by, IIRC, white noise.

Actually Phoenix got taken out by a synaptic scrambler (or something similar) which had been keyed to her brainwaves. So it does sort of make sense.

Anonymous said...

Actually Phoenix got taken out by a synaptic scrambler (or something similar) which had been keyed to her brainwaves. So it does sort of make sense.

Ah yes. Oh, for the halcyon days where a Claremont-written female could be defeated.

Dar-EL said...

I bet Mandroid # L7 got picked on a lot.

Anonymous said...

Anyone remember the Raiders? No, not the football team. The blue-armored guys who fought Iron Man. They were a trio and they each had a special weapon. They went around hijacking planes and stuff. Iron Man jacked them up during the Armor Wars. What happened to those guys?

Anonymous said...

If the Raiders ever reappeared after getting taken out by Iron Man in Armor Wars, I never saw it. But then I haven't been keeping up with Marvel, and comics in general, near like I used to. I just checked a few comics-related websites out of curiosity, and I didn't find any further appearances listed for them.

The Raider suits weren't that bad, they just weren't in Iron Man's league. Unfortunately, that's who they had to fight. They could have kicked some ass if they'd just fought in their weight class. That's something the Raiders have in common with guys like the Mauler. By comparison they're more like scout suits, and weren't built to take on the big boys one on one. (Or, in the case of the Raiders, three on one.) So when they had to do just that, they ended up looking like chumps. Hell, the Mauler blew Iron Man away in terms of flight speed, but then running away was the smartest option under the circumstances.

Justin Mohareb said...

In the spirit of fair play, I put it to a vote.

Rocket Reds #1, Guardsmen a distant second, and the Mandroids got a single sympathy vote.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone have an accurate count on how many times Iron Man and Black Panther have argued or fought?

Wizard #178 had a small article about their feuds.

HardtravelingHero said...

Excellent write-up on Mandroids. Maybe Warren Ellis can do a series about them and actually make them respectable.

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