Case in point: I recently was sent some early promotional material from the sequel to the soon-to-be-released thriller Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L Jackson. Apparently the studio is so confident the film will be a success that they are already filming a follow-up.
(That’s a set-up for comedy hilarity, isn’t it? Watch in awe as I show that no joke is too obvious, no content is too tired here at Dave’s Long Box.)
Bears on a Sub continues the nail-biting, bladder-voiding suspense of Snakes on a Plane, only this time, a pack of rampaging polar bears tears shit up on the USS Honolulu nuclear submarine!
Samuel L Jackson returns as FBI Agent Nelville Flynn, who is transporting a diabolical eco-terrorist prisoner aboard a nuclear sub to Greenland for a completely legal secret trial.
Unfortunately the madman has coated the hull of the sub with polar bear pheromones, and when the sub comes up for air, three rutting polar bears attack!Now, these super-predators are loose onboard the Honolulu, stalking the crew and eating their faces and groins. Masters of camouflage, the bears pick off their prey one by one and it is very scary because think about it, man - what would be worse than getting trapped inside a submarine with polar bears?
Mandrills?
Okay, yeah, mandrills would be pretty bad, I'll admit it.
Anyway, only one man stands between the polar bears and the submarine’s nuclear arsenal:
Samuel L Jackson.
If he can keep his groin from getting eaten, he’s going to show these motherfuckin’ bears who is at the top of the food chain!
Bears on a Sub – a new depth in cinema!
76 comments:
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
I only wonder in the picture where they indicate where the bears are on the sub, where is Mr. Jackson?
Can't he use his jedi mind-powers to convince the bears that 'this is not the sub you are looking for' or is that only an Obi-Wan trick?
Mike Nielsen
Narwhals next to a Zeppelin will kill the franchise.
I see enormous product tie-in possibility with Subway.
Is this a Jon Peters film? If the climax takes place in the Arctic with James Marsters and a giant spider, I'm so there.
Sam Jackson was recently here in Spokane to film Home of the Brave. Then filming briefly moved to Canada. Yeah, I don't know either.
My wife quite cheerfully informed me that she would "totally" abandon me and the kids for Mr. Jackson, although she admits that she "would never be able to sit down again" if she did. I've repeatedly told her she needs to end everything she says to me one sentence earlier.
I had absolutely no rebuttal for that one, as even I have to admit it would improve the kids street credibility by about a million percent. I'd have to fight a bear, with a snake, just to work up to Weekend Dad.
Narwhals next to a Zeppelin will kill the franchise.
Jake, I think you must be thinking of Bison on a Blimp...
I think the franchise ender would be...
Moose on a Motorcycle
That sub drawing....Elliot R Brown?
Aw, arizonateach beat me to it!
This was f@#$ing hilarious. Particularly the schematic pointing out "Bear" locations.
Can't. Stop. Laughing.
Then I saw my word verf: myppla
Laughing more.
Michael Caine, Gene Hackman, and now Samuel L. Jackson. Men for whom no screenplay is off limits. A man gots to get paid, I guess.
Looking forward to "Badgers on the Bus." (I smell a meme.)
Finally, someone has had the courage to tell the truth about the grave threat polar bears pose to out nuclear submarines.
I salute you, David Campbell, for this landmark film.
I'm in the middle of my screenplay for "Otters in a Helicopter"
And here I thought that nothing was gonna beat Snakes on a Plane. I stand corrected, good sir.
Dachshunds.
Dachshunds on a Subway.
First of all, Dave, if I EVER see a real-world trailer for BEARS on a SUB, I am going to hike my ass to Seattle and chew your friggin groin off MYSELF!
WHY implant a concept like that in those Hollywood sponge-head noggins?
Anyway, the final sequel that will end it all BADLY will be the "hilarious" send-up;
PLATYPI ON AN ESCALATOR
(starring Rob Schneider & Jon Lovitz*)
*Actually, Lovits TOTALLY would rock that flick!
Good NIGHT!
~P~
P-TOR
vord verification
akscza
The drug needed to combat Groin infection after a bear attack.
May cause drowsiness, horizontal vomiting, explosive diarrhea, shrunken eyeballs, elephantitus of the rectum and night-terrors.
Use as directed.
Not to be combined with amyl-nitrate, ginko-paloba or black-mamba heroin.
My bladder was voided all right, with goofy laughter. Shit, Dave, that was hilarious. Will Snakes on A Plane be this year's Brokeback Mountain?
I just like the fact Sam Jackson threatened to quit the project if they changed the name of the movie.
verification-
hrrnemh (onomatopoeia): The vomiting sound one makes when you watch "Snakes on a Plane."
I'd thought the "Snakes on a Plane" well was tapped dry by now. I was clearly wrong. Beautiful.
On second thought, I'd like to change my adjective. That wasn't beautiful -- that was fucking Airwolf!
Plus, I hear they're going to make it a trilogy, and film number 3....
"Mice on a Bike."
They're killer mice. They have, like, the black plague, or something, and they ride around biting people.
Finally, a summer blockbuster I can look forward to!
The meme will truly TRULY be dead when we get Armadillos on an Urban Combat Skateboard.
OK, I just posted this because I wanted to say "Urban Combat Skateboard." I think I'm declaring today the Official Urban Combat Skateboard day. I can hardly wait for Arnie to realize the Urban Combat Skateboard's inherent awesomeness and push the manufacturer to make a civilian version.
I don't know. I think the meme could go for a while yet. Especially conmidering no one has yet suggested "Gerbils on a Moon Rover". You know that'll be a must-see!
Great Whites on a space shuttle?
But nothing - nothing! - will beat...
COUGARS ON AIRWOLF
Word Verification: krvpuitb
The sound of fanboy's bowels evacuating when they find out principle photography has started on COUGARS ON AIRWOLF, starring Sam Jackson and Jan-Michael Vincent. Co-starring Elisha Cuthbert, who has experience fighting cougars on "24."
gee what can beat all of this hey you haven't plumbed the depths of horror that is kangaroos in a campervan. Or even koalas in a quandry. What about bears in a brothel.
(This just gets out of hand don't it)
Penguins and patrol boats.
Echindnas and elephant guns.
Spiders in Spokane
but watch out dave Foxes in Long-Boxes could be comming for you.
Foxes in lon-boxes. What was I thnking of. Sorry
"Polecats on a bathyscaph". That would be nightmarish.
I work in a Navy office in DC and showed a Lieutenant this blog entry. He started to chuckle and told me he had been aboard the Honolulu when that photo was taken. According to him, a crewmember was standing watch (just to the left of where the polar bear and her cubs are in Dave's pic) when he received word to "GET ABOARD THE SHIP!! NOW!!!"* Crew members watched from the safety of the sail as the bears roamed the length of the sub, for some reason drawn to the taste of something on the rudder, which they tried to chew off.
See? You guys thought Dave just made this shit up!
*(No idea if the term "MOTHERFUCKER" was used.)
The sad truth is that this film is already in production. Thanks to some ties in the industry, I've been able to see some of the early photography. It doesn't look all that bad--Mr. Jackson's sporting a hightop fade/fu manchu combo of hair growth that will blow your frickin' socks off. However, they'll need to fix a lot of the bear footage in post. At least two of the bears don't look at all believable piloting a Los Angeles class fast-attack sub. In one scene, "Ivan" is supposed to be making a fine adjustment on the trim tank valves, but his big white paw can clearly be seen manipulating the starboard ballast gauges. "Trained" animals, my ass.
That's awesome, thanks John! That makes me happy.
They're decomissioning the Honolulu and sending it to the ship graveyard in Bremerton, WA, which is near where I live on Bainbridge Island. To get to Bremerton, Navy ships have to pass through a narrow and picturesque channel called Rich Passage on the south end of the island. I am hoping to see the Honolulu come through the channel at the end of its last voyage - it would be awesome.
Because I am a geek.
Dear God am I late on this but aren't they making Sasquatches on a Segue?
"yeeqts" the sound my bladder makes when it voids.
Coming soon
"Platypusses Somewhere Near A Seg-Way"
starring Chuck Norris, & Don Knots
verif:
cqilm-
the name for my cure for cancer...and AIDS
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