Bears on a Sub

Big shot people send me shit all the time because I’m so cool.

Case in point: I recently was sent some early promotional material from the sequel to the soon-to-be-released thriller Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L Jackson. Apparently the studio is so confident the film will be a success that they are already filming a follow-up.

(That’s a set-up for comedy hilarity, isn’t it? Watch in awe as I show that no joke is too obvious, no content is too tired here at Dave’s Long Box.)

Bears on a Sub continues the nail-biting, bladder-voiding suspense of Snakes on a Plane, only this time, a pack of rampaging polar bears tears shit up on the USS Honolulu nuclear submarine!

Samuel L Jackson returns as FBI Agent Nelville Flynn, who is transporting a diabolical eco-terrorist prisoner aboard a nuclear sub to Greenland for a completely legal secret trial.

Unfortunately the madman has coated the hull of the sub with polar bear pheromones, and when the sub comes up for air, three rutting polar bears attack!

Now, these super-predators are loose onboard the Honolulu, stalking the crew and eating their faces and groins. Masters of camouflage, the bears pick off their prey one by one and it is very scary because think about it, man - what would be worse than getting trapped inside a submarine with polar bears?

Mandrills?

Okay, yeah, mandrills would be pretty bad, I'll admit it.

Anyway, only one man stands between the polar bears and the submarine’s nuclear arsenal:

Samuel L Jackson.

If he can keep his groin from getting eaten, he’s going to show these motherfuckin’ bears who is at the top of the food chain!

Bears on a Sub – a new depth in cinema!