THE OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, DELUXE EDITION #1 Marvel Comics, 1985

Now we’re getting into some serious shit. The Official Handbook of the Frickin’ Marvel Universe – DELUXE EDITION. You heard me – deluxe, baby.

But before we start with the Deluxe Edition, can I talk to you about the Yard-o-Beef?

Some kind souls at work gave me two swell presents for Christmas: a kid’s gun safety video hosted by Jason Priestly (who I’m guessing was doing the gig as community service instead of jail time, n'est-ce pas?), and a Yard-o-Beef. A massive Hillshire Farm summer sausage, the Yard-o-Beef is the size of a child’s leg. It is so stout it could be used as a bludgeoning weapon. You laugh, but tell me that it wouldn’t hurt to get brained by a three pound club made of hardwood smoked sausage.

Anyway, really excited about the Yard-o-Beef. When I got it I was so excited I had to play with it. I swung it over my head, roaring like a Viking. I smacked my hand menacingly with the sausage as I stalked through Cubicle Land. It’s empowering, holding that much beef.

In my enthusiasm I may have torn the plastic packaging that keeps the Yard-o-Beef in a timeless sleep. A small tear, true – tiny beyond notice, but deadly nonetheless.

I left the Yard-o-Beef on a shelf in my cubicle and went home for the long holiday weekend. I thought nothing of it.

When I returned to my cubicle today I found mold growing in white circular patterns the size of a quarter on the Yard-o-Beef. The end of the beef shaft was pretty bad, covered with festering discs of mold. The wrinkly, puckered membrane at the end of the sausage was coated with a putrid, fuzzy growth. It was disgusting.

I have nobody to blame but myself for the diseased Yard-o-Beef. The Hillshire Farms folks make a fine product and their packaging is robust. I handled it roughly, like it was a toy, and I paid the price. The warnings signs were there: REFRIGERATE AFTER OPENING. I was just too self-absorbed to read them. It’s all about me, isn’t it? Never the Yard-o-Beef. And now look: my self-absorption has killed it. I’ve killed the Yard-o-Beef.

So naturally I’m going to keep it at my desk and watch the mold kill it, unless the smell gets too bad or the spores go airborne or sentient.

I’ll take pictures.

Right: The Deluxe Edition of the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe was a series of thick 64-page compendiums with even more space devoted to the minutiae of second-string comic book characters. The Book of Weapons and Crazy Shit, which was published separately in the original OHMU, has been folded into the regular series, so you would get an entry on Captain America and a diagram of his shield. Much as I liked the Book of Weapons, it makes more sense to put all the maps and diagrams and cross-sections in the main volume.

The first issue of OHMU(DE) covered the letter “A,” as you might imagine – from The Abomination to Batroc’s Brigade.

My one gripe is that Batroc, the French savate master with the pointy moustache who is figured so prominently on the cover, does not get his own entry, he has to share it with his Brigade. That hippy Angar the Screamer gets a full- page entry, while Batroc is crammed in there with Zaran and Machete. That ain’t right.

In the Marvel Universe, “A” stands for Avengers, and this issue of OMHU(DE) is packed full of Avengers goodness. There’s a complete roster of all The Avengers current and past (circa 1985), schematics for the Avengers Mansion, The West Coast Avengers Compound, and a full-page breakdown of that archetypal Avengers ride, The Quinjet, courtesy of Eliot R Brown:

This is a particularly strong issue of OHMU(DE), with a map of Asgard, a diagram of the psychedelic Norse universe, a big entry on Atlantis, a kick-ass Ant-Man entry with cross-sections of his cyber helmet and shit. All that and a full-page devoted to The Aquarian? What more could you ask for?

I bring you grace! I bring you skill! I bring you Aguila!

The Aguila page is pretty typical for OHMU (DE): A description of the characters history, powers, and skills on one side and on the other side, a static reference shot of the character with one or two panels illustrating the character’s powers or history. Behold the Aguila entry:

Now I ask you. El Aguila gets a whole frickin’ page, but Batroc doesn’t? What kind of crazy world do we live in???

Nothing against Aguila. I think he bears a striking resemblance to George Hamilton in Zorro, the Gay Blade:

Now I know who I’m casting in my soon-to-be-released Aguila: The Movie. George Hamilton has a magic that only a few men have.

Some of the images used in OHMU (DE) #1 are a little baffling. Here’s a panel from the entry for the supervillain known as The Armadillo. I believe these images are used to depict the characters’ powers and abilities, but what in the hell is going on in this picture? Is this telling us that Armadillo is strong enough to carry one of the rare South American machine gun trees?

Man, I hope that is his tail.