Fandamentalism

The other day I made the mistake of describing Transformers as a “dumb cartoon.” Here’s the quote:

“While writing a lengthy post about his intention to boycott Michael Bay's Transformers movie because it doesn't slavishly replicate the dumb cartoon he watched as a kid, lightning strikes and merges a pizza-eating fanboy into his computer. Gifted with techno powers and an enormous sense of entitlement, Deathblog travels the Internet flaming all those who disagree with his petty, hypersensitive ranting.”

Some folks out there took offense and I received some feedback from Dave’s Long Box readers. Skip Jordan offered the most lucid response:

“I was with you until you called the Transformers "dumb". He-Man was a dumb cartoon. Thundercats was a dumb cartoon. Transformers was not dumb. In fact as far as kid's cartoons went it was one of the smarter ones. And speaking as one of those fanboys, I can say we're not upset about Michael Bay and Don Murphy for not "slavishly replicateing" the old cartoon (nobody was doubt (everybody was expecting some changes), but for that hack Michael Bay turning it into a generic crappy sci-fi movie bearing little resemblence to the original movie, all while altering the characters beyond the point of recognition.”

I can dig that. Hey, I bitched up a storm after suffering through Batman & Robin.

Skip seems like a passionate but rational person. But of course, for every Skip there is a j*******@ gmail.com, a person with a rapier wit and some issues with homosexuality who thinks that I am “gay” for “hating on the Tarnsformers [sic].” j*******@ gmail.com also suggested that – and this hurt – nobody cared about “my gay Red Rockets” and that haters like myself should fuck ourselves.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I am not a big fan of Transformers, GI Joe, He-Man, Thundercats, or any of those cartoons that existed solely to market toys. (I don’t object to the commercialism, I just don’t dig the content) I was more of a Legend of the Overfiend kid.* Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

I will say that Transformers was by far the least dumb of all of them, and the Transformers animated movie was actually pretty kick ass. I can't diss anybody for liking Transformers - look at all the goofy crap I like. I review bad comics from my collection because I have paid money for many, many bad comics.

I certainly don't mean to imply that anyone who has some trepidation about Bay's movie is a hysterical fanboy; far from it. But I can't get behind "fandumentalists" who feel personally insulted or attacked when their favorite comics, cartoons, or whatever are changed or translated into another medium. They lack perspective and decorum and exhibit a sense of entitlement that borders on pathology. Many of them are dicks.

As with any social movement or sub-culture, there is an extreme fringe whose views are not shared by the majority, or at the very least not shared with fanatic intensity. Fans are no different. A common and recurring theme in fandom is a rigid devotion to a “classic” model of their obsession. Any deviation from that model, any disruption of the status quo, is a personal attack against the fandumentalist.

You know the guy: “I’m boycotting the Super Mario Brothers movie because John Leguiazamo doesn’t have a moustache. As far as I am concerned, if they don’t have moustaches, they’re not the Super Mario Brothers, they’re the Super Gay Brothers! It’s just a slap in the face to the fans!”

A good example is the reaction that some fans of the show Firefly had to the character Wash’s death in the movie Serenity. SPOILER! Man, I’ve got to get better with my spoiler timing. I read some super-pissed LiveJournal posts about that. People were genuinely hurt and pissed off at Firefly creator Joss Whedon for killing off “their” character. To paraphrase, Wash’s death was “a big fuck-you to the fans” and soured some people on the whole Joss Whedon Experience.

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"They lack perspective and decorum and exhibit a sense of entitlement that borders on pathology. Many of them are dicks."

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Then there are the Transformers fans, some of whom are very upset about the upcoming movie from the eternally shaking camera of Michael Bay. Some pictures of the Transformer robots have been leaked on the Internet, provoking some negative reactions. I gather that some folks feel that the robot designs suck. I’ll grant you, the movie version of Megatron looks like The Guyver, but Bumblebee (is that his name? The yellow one?) looks pretty cool.

It goes on. The murder of Blue Beetle in Countdown to Infinite Crisis. Greedo shooting first in the revamped Star Wars. Hulk Hogan becoming Hollywood Hogan. Star Trek: Enterprise. The rape and murder of Sue Dibny in Infinite Crisis. Iron Man blowing his secret identity by saving a cat. Batman ice skating. There are lots of different ways to piss off loyal fans.

And you know, all the stuff I just mentioned kind of pisses me off to some degree as well, except for the Hulk Hogan thing. I think my biggest fanboy wig-out must have been when I watched Tim Burton’s Batman movie. I didn’t mind that Batman couldn’t move his head or that Alfred let Vicki Vale into The Batcave or that Commissioner Gordon was like a keystone cop. What I hated most was the killing, specifically the scene in which Batman drives the Batmobile into The Joker’s Smilex plant via remote control and drops a hubcap bomb, killing all his henchmen. Batman doesn’t fucking kill people, Tim Burton!!! That’s just missing the whole damn point of the character! Man, that pissed me off to no end. I was ranting in the movie theater parking lot afterwards.

But that was it. I’m not going to boycott a company or start a petition or an Anti-Ice Skating Batman Club or personally insult those involved or flame anybody that disagrees with me. Why?

Because it’s not my character. Sadly, I don’t own Batman.

Sure, I have a metric assload of Batman comics and more than a few toys and I’ve seen all the movies and own the Animated Series and I would consider myself a fan. I happen to think Batman is cool and I feel a certain connection to the character. In my mind, the classic model of Batman would be the Marshall Rodgers version mixed with the Neal Adams version. That’s what I read when I grew up, and for me Batman will always have a blue cape and cowl and that bright yellow emblem on his chest. That is Batman.

But guess, what? Warner Brothers owns Batman, and they can give him nipples or ice skates or replace him with Azrael or give him a car that drives up walls or make him into a condescending ass or make Ballroom Dancing Batman figures or do whatever the hell they want. And me, the fan? I just have to sit there and take it.

It’s cool, though, because there’s a ton of Batman shit. The movie Batman and Robin doesn’t make Year One or Batman and The Monster Men any less cool. They can make Polar Disco Batman figures for all I care, I’ll always have the Neal Adams issues. So now I pick and choose what Batman stuff I want to get and ignore everything else. I understand and accept that Warner Brothers has to make money off of Batman in order for me to keep enjoying select Batman products.

What it comes down to is I think fandumentalists labor under a lack of recognition of economic reality, an inappropriate sense of ownership, and a weird sense of entitlement.

Let’s just take Transformers again. The studio and Michael Bay want – need – that movie to appeal to as wide an audience as possible, not just the hard-core fans. You can just see the meeting:

“OK, we need a human in there as the audience’s eyes into the world of these giant fucking robots.”

“Like in Thunderbirds.”

“Right. We can’t have these giant goddamn robots on the screen the whole time, we have to have a person. Preferably an annoying child. We’ll spend most of the movie on the annoying child to keep the budget down. And we’ll create a bunch of new Transformers for merchandising, make ‘em look like those Chinese giant robots.”

“Japanese, sir.”

“Those, too. What about a girl Transformer? Get a little robot ass up there.”

“I’ll talk to Hasbro, sir.”


I’m just saying, in a roundabout and ha-ha-aren’t-I-funny way, that the giant inhuman conglomerate that owns the Transformers is not interested in them for sentimental reasons, they want to pull in some cash. They can’t alter the property too much or there’s no brand recognition and thus no brand loyalty, but they must alter it to meet their needs, and they will. This frequently pisses off purists, but it’s unavoidable.

The late, lamented Fanboy Rampage sifted through the message boards and blogs to find nuggets of hostile, histrionic hissy fits from overzealous fans. As a fan of Fanboy Rampage, I was frequently appalled but never shocked by the spectacular heights of indignity and spite that a fan can achieve.

Lest anyone think I am picking solely on militant Trekkies (sorry: Trekkers) or rabid Nightwing groupies or any obsessive fan of genre media, I should put in a disclaimer and a defense of fandumentalists.

Fanboys don’t riot and kill people when their favorite comic book or TV series gets cancelled. They react not with violence, but with communication. Sometimes they communicate like assholes, but it is communication regardless. Sure, the fandumentalists among us may overreact to developments in their favorite fictional world, but let’s put it in perspective. I’ve never seen people burning cop cars out in front of ComiCon. “What!? They cancelled Birds of Prey? BURN, SAN DIEGO!!!”

If you want to find true pathological behavior you’ll have to look among the millions of sports fans for those fanatical few who lack a sense of perspective (i.e., “It’s only a game.”) and like to go totally batshit loco when their team wins/loses. Because really, nothing celebrates a World Series win like an old-fashioned riot. Go Sox!

As I draw this post to a patronizing finish, I would encourage everyone to maintain a degree of perspective and civility. The anonymity of the Internet makes the need for civil discourse even greater. Do you really need to get in a flame war with some 13-year old who thinks Mike Mignola sucks? Because that kid’s an idiot, fuck that kid.

And even if you violently disagree with some chump about the best Stargate: SG1 episode or something, what the hell, at least you are communicating with another human being instead of beating on his dumb ass.

And that’s something at least.



*I’m kidding, Mom! I was more of a StarBlazers and Speed Racer kid.