Thor: Smack Talker

Even when I'm braggin' I'm bein' sincere
- “I’m Bad,” LL Cool J

Thor is the consummate smack-talker of the Marvel Universe.*

Nobody talks a line of shit like Thor. He rarely fails to tell an opponent how powerful he is, or what a big mistake said opponent has made crossing his path, or how bad of a beat-down he’s about to deliver, or brag about the various features of his enchanted mallet Mjolnir. Plus, he's got a natural flair for drama. I'll bet he had to attend Oration class as a young golding at Asgard Prep.

Thor uses the laws of nature unique to comic books to full effect. He goes on at great length about how cool he is between punches. Seriously, the guy could work a Shakespearean sonnet into the time it takes for lightning to strike. This is something all heroes can do, of course, but Thor takes it to another level.

But you know, braggadaccio works for Thor – he comes from an ancient culture where it was acceptable to engage in a little self-promotion.

For some reason, the fact that he’s one of the most powerful beings ever to walk the Earth yet still talks shit does not make Thor a dick. He just gets away with it, pure and simple. Nobody wants to hear Superman brag about how cool he is – he would just come across as a bully – but for Thor, it works.

Why?

Thor really uses cultural relativism to his advantage. Yes, he might go on and on about how great he is, but give him a break, he’s a Viking – that’s the way of his people. Don’t judge, man. What do you have against Vikings anyway? Way to be insensitive to other cultures, dick.

You know another area where Thor gets a free pass just because he comes from a traditional culture? That hammer of his, mjolnir. He’s up there with The Frickin’ Hulk in terms of strength, and yet he still carries a huge stone hammer around.

Again, if this were Superman we were talking about, packing a weapon would seem unsporting and cruel. It would be like, “Why does Superman carry that machete around? It’s not enough that he can shoot heat-beams from his eyes, he has to fly around beheading people with a fucking machete, too? Not cool!”

But hey, Thor’s a Norseman, it wouldn’t be PC to call him on his hammer. I think mjolnir is the Norse word for “overkill.”

Anyway, getting off-topic. Back to Thor and his shit-talking.

Thor’s got that Olde English style of speech that makes practically anything he says sound cool. But when you break it down, Thor just sounds like professional wrestler Hulk Hogan as written by William Sakespeare. Let's indulge in some cheap humor and compare the two:

Hulk Hogan says: "You're going down, brother!"

Thor says: "I bid thee fall!"

Hulk Hogan says: "Hercules Hernandez, you may have the power of the cosmos. But what are you going to do, brother, when I wrap these 23-inch pythons around you? What are you going to do?!"

Thor says: "Thanos! Thy time draws nigh! Though you possess the Power Cosmic, Thor, as ever, shall reign supreme! Face me, villain!"

Hulk Hogan says: "I've been training, I've been eating my vitamins, I've been saying my prayers. Let me tell you something, Mean Gene - I wanna hurt somebody in Jacksonville this Saturday night real bad!"

Thor says: "The power of Asgard itself is the power of Thor! Behold, Recorder, as the Thunderer invades yon Land of the Dead - and woe betide those who seek to stop me!"

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

One of the little perks that comes with being an Asgardian god is that you get to swear by your own name, or by that of your immediate family. Thor is always saying, "Odin's beard!" or something to that effect.

I think it would be cool to take your own name in vain, or to swear by your various body parts or character traits. When the printer at work jams I could bust out with, "By the balding pate of Dave!" or "Dave's blood! This accursed printer shalt vex me no longer - so sayeth David Campbell, son of Gary!!!"

I am totally going to do that.

Perhaps my favorite example of Asgardian trash-talking is in Thor vol 2. #25, a jumbo-size smackdown with Thanos and Mangog by writer Dan Jurgens and John Romita, Jr. Those guys understood Thor, and Jurgens penned some fantastically florid dialogue.

At the climax of this storyline, Thor repeatedly gets his ass handed to him by the supercharged cosmic villain Thanos, the Marvel answer to DC's Darkseid. (Or is it the other way around?) Fortunately, Thor powers up with a magic shield, belt, and gauntlet that enable him to take on the invincible Thanos.

Here are the final atomic-strength blows and the climactic bit of smack-talking:

The best part is that after Thor drops Thanos, he stands over his fallen foe and delivers this kick-ass line (clicketh to enlarge):

F*#% YEAH!!!**

That is quality.

In closing, if you're looking to read about a hero who talks shit and can back it up, look no farther than The Mighty Thor. Verily, he doth reign supreme.

I'm the pinnacle that means I reign supreme
And I'm notorious I'll crush you like a jelly bean

- “I’m Bad,” LL Cool J

*Hercules is a close second, but as a B-list character he doesn’t have as extensive a history of shit-talking as Thor does. His body of work just can’t compare to the God of Thunder’s.

**I have decided to change the spelling of "F*#% Yeah!" That damn ampersand was screwing my formating up; Blogger kept thinking I was typing an email address.