NEVER COOL: Skating Superheroes

You know what is really not cool? Leg warmers. They’re not even cool in an ironic way.

You know what else? Superheroes on skateboards or roller skates. Has that ever been cool? Ever? In 1980, was it cool? No. 1990? I say thee nay. For a brief moment in May of 1991, there was a window of opportunity during which a comic featuring a young Asian girl with rocket-powered inline skates would have been cool, but nobody capitalized on it. June of 1991 came, and then a comic about drift-racing would have been cool. O fickle winds of coolness, where will you blow next?

I submit to you this fundamental, Primal Truth: it is impossible to have a cool skating superhero.*

Rocket Racer, from Spider-Man?

Not cool.

Okay, Night Thrasher from The New Warriors? I was too lazy to find a picture of him skating, but that was the big deal with him, initially, he was the skating guy. So just imagine him doing Tae Bo or whatever he’s doing here – but with a skateboard.

Witness uncoolness:

And what's with the bandana around his leg? What is he, frickin' Chachi or something?
Dazzler originally started off as the roller disco superheroine in the pages of Spider-Man, but eventually evolved past the skates and into aerobics gear. To Dazzler I say don’t forget your roots, girl. Back in the day you were rocking those skates with the fat disco glitter wheels and shit – you had it going on. Embrace your disco past, girl!




Here is the zenith, the apex of skating uncoolness: Neal Adams’ Skate Man.

I’m sure I’m missing some skating heroes, but I am bloated and drowsy, and cannot be assed to do any research on the subject. That’s why God made Dan Coyle. Dan, who am I missing? Blue Streak, but I already did a post about him here.

Does DC have any skating heroes or villains? Marvel seems to have cornered the market on skating characters, trendy folks that they are. They also have The Silver Surfer who, you know, surfs and stuff. I’m hoping for Segway Man or Rascal 2K soon from the House of Ideas.

To counteract Marvel’s seeming monopoly on heroes who skate or surf or otherwise use recreational transportation, DC created The Black Racer, who, is Death in the form of a black skier who um, skis through the cosmos. That’s the only character I can think of. Help me out, here.

The motion picture industry is always keen to exploit any comic fad, so skating/skiing/surfing heroes have received the Hollywood treatment as well. Unfortunately, the public wasn’t ready for a gun-toting child with Dolph Lundgren’s giant head and a thirst for vengeance. He’s got a sled and he knows how to use it: Death Sled. This one was only released in Germany, where it did pretty well on DVD.

Okay, the jokes are getting lamer; time to quit while I’m a-sled. Ha HA! I fucking kill me!

* There is an exception to this rule which I call the Street Angel Corollary.